Until I Love Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Susanna stared at Emma. “You care for Ernest?”

  Emma reddened. “He doesn’t notice me, Susanna. So that’s not the point.”

  “But you do!” Susanna clutched Emma’s arm again.

  “Okay, yah, I admit it. Even though I know I don’t have a chance,” Emma said. “There are plenty of widows in the community who have set their kapp for Ernest. You know that.”

  “But you do care,” Susanna insisted.

  Emma looked away. “Yah. I’d have taken Ernest ever since his Naomi passed, but he won’t give me a sideways glance. I don’t blame the man for that, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care for his happiness. Think well before you turn down Joey’s offer. Maybe if you speak with him, it will settle things in your heart. After that, if you want to cut off the relationship and be truly happy in the community, I will say no more. I can stand having my silly heart broken. I’m not the first girl to have a crush on a man, so I’ll accept the Lord’s will. But you need to find where your heart is and follow it, Susanna. Nothing else matters…” Emma’s voice trailed off.

  Susanna reached over to lay her hand on Emma’s arm. “Yah, I will speak with Joey. You can pick me up Wednesday.”

  Emma’s smile grew. “You will go?”

  “Yah,” Susanna said and then opened her arms. Emma rushed into them, and the two clung to each other.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  When Wednesday morning rolled around, Susanna came slowly down the stairs with both of her hands clutching the handrail. Emma had driven in the driveway moments before, and if Susanna appeared nervous as she passed Mamm in the kitchen, Mamm would know something was up.

  “Wednesday’s my day off from the roadside stand,” Emma had chirped on Sunday afternoon to Susanna’s mamm. “I could come by and pick Susanna up. I think she would benefit from a morning’s drive. I know I like them. We could both enjoy and soak in the beauty that the Lord has written into nature.”

  Both Mamm and Daett had regarded Emma with skeptical looks, but Mamm had finally nodded. “You have cheered Susanna greatly with your visit today, so maybe getting out of the house later in the week would also be good for her.”

  Emma had smiled, and that had been the end of the matter. Only it wasn’t. The shame of their deception made Susanna’s knees weak. Who would have thought that Emma could be up to such a thing? Emma had always been the decent one. Emma was such a credit to the baptismal class, and she would make an upstanding member of the community once she joined.

  Susanna clenched her hands and forced herself to move forward. Would she make a decision today that would set the course of her entire life? If she decided to marry Ernest after the visit with Joey today, she would soon become a married woman with two kinner in her care. And today might be the last time she’d speak to Joey, even as just a friend. Susanna’s heartbeat quickened at the sobering thought, and her face flushed.

  Mamm looked up when Susanna walked into the kitchen. “You’re ready, I see.”

  Susanna kept her head about her. “I hope this isn’t inconveniencing you too much. I know there is a pile of mending on the sewing room floor, and…”

  Mamm silenced Susanna with a quick shake of her head. “I’ll manage. It’s not as though you’ll be home much longer anyway, what with the wedding this fall.” Mamm broke into a smile at the thought. “I’m so thankful the Lord is supplying help in your hour of need, Susanna. Emma has always been your friend, but now she’s becoming a very special friend.”

  Susanna forced herself to look at Mamm. “Well, I’d best be going. Emma’s waiting.”

  “Enjoy yourself.” Mamm reached up to push a few loose hairs back under Susanna’s kapp. “If this drive does you goot, I’ll have to tell Ernest he should take you out next week.”

  Susanna forced herself to smile. “That’s not necessary, Mamm. Ernest’s a busy man with his farm and his two kinner, and I…”

  “Just run along now.” Mamm squeezed Susanna’s hand. “We’ll talk about Ernest later.”

  Susanna dashed out the washroom door, still trying to quiet the pangs of her conscience as she hurried across the lawn. She had not lied, and neither had Emma. They simply had not told the whole truth, which wasn’t far from lying. But why worry about the matter now? She would soon be with Joey.

  Emma leaned out of the buggy to greet her. “Goot morning. Are we still on?”

  “Yah, of course,” Susanna said as she climbed into the buggy.

  Emma seemed to relax a little. “You took forever to come out.”

  “So why didn’t you come inside?” Susanna asked.

  Emma jiggled the reins and guided her horse back onto Maple Ridge Road before she answered. “For the same reason you’re red-faced, I suppose. My conscience is giving me deep stabs of panic. I’ve never told so many half-truths in my life.”

  “But if this outing settles the matter, then it will be worth it, don’t you think?”

  “Yah,” Emma said. “Especially if it will settle the matter between Ernest and me. If you marry him, I can move on.”

  “Would you really marry Ernest?” Susanna said. “If he asked you?”

  Emma shrugged. “I want Ernest’s happiness first and foremost, and he can’t keep his eyes off of you at the Sunday services. How could I compete with that? Ernest barely knows I’m alive.”

  “But, Emma!” Susanna exclaimed. “You would make a much worthier frau for Ernest than I ever would. Please believe that.”

  “He doesn’t seem to think so,” Emma intoned. “Or he would have noticed me by now.”

  “Then he’s just plain wrong…and maybe blind too,” Susanna said.

  Emma stole a sideways glance at Susanna. “I wish I had what you have—whatever that is.”

  Susanna sighed. “And I wish I had what you have, but I don’t. The Lord knows I’ve tried, but I can’t turn myself into the decent ordnung-abiding woman I should be.”

  Emma jiggled the reins. “Then we must hope you find an answer today, because I don’t want to do this again. My conscience will never allow it. It’s already going to bother me for an awful long time.”

  Susanna nodded. “At least something will come out of the morning. You’ve given Mamm an idea. She’ll have Ernest’s ear at the next Sunday meeting, and he’ll be over every week to give me buggy rides.”

  Emma forced a laugh. “Unintended consequences, it seems. Those always pop up.”

  Silence hung in the air, and moments passed before Susanna dared speak the words. “And what if Joey convinces me to jump the fence? What happens then?”

  Emma shivered. “Please don’t say that. I only pray the Lord has mercy on my weakness, and I hope I have judged correctly. I have only Ernest’s best interest in mind—and yours, of course.”

  Susanna drew a long breath as she saw Joey’s car in front of them, parked along the road. Emma pulled back on the reins. Whatever lay ahead of them this day, the moment had come. Susanna stilled her conscience with a loud whisper. “There he is.”

  “Yah, the Englisha man you love,” Emma said, as if the fact couldn’t be disputed.

  Protests rose to Susanna’s lips, but instead she asked, “How long can we stay?”

  Emma bit her lower lip. “That’s up to you, but you only have this one chance. Remember that. I’m not doing this again.”

  Susanna focused on Joey’s face. He had stepped away from the car and was now moving toward them. Feelings of delight stirred inside of her. How many hours had she spent at his home? Hours in which happiness had filled her heart, and joy had risen in her soul. How could that all have been wrong?

  “You should tell him everything,” Emma whispered as she brought the buggy to a stop. “He wants to know.” Emma leaned out of the buggy to greet Joey. “Goot morning. I see you’re here.”

  “That I am,” Joey said with a smile.

  Susanna forced herself to speak. “Hi, Joey.”

  Joey came over to Susanna’s side of the buggy before he answered. “Good
morning. I’m so glad that you came.”

  “And I’m so glad to see you. You just don’t know…” Susanna pressed back the tears. This was not a goot start, but she couldn’t help it.

  “What on earth are they doing to you?” Joey reached inside the buggy to touch her hand. “You have to tell me, Susanna. We don’t have much time this morning.” He glanced up at Emma. “Do we?”

  “We have all the time it takes,” Emma said. “I told Susanna I can’t bring her here again.”

  Joey gave Emma another quick glance. “Thanks for bringing Susanna to me. I know there was risk involved.”

  Emma waved her hand toward Joey’s car. “Why don’t you two sit in the car, and I’ll drive down the road a bit and park—out of sight, of course. You can find me in the first lane into the woods when you’re finished.”

  Joey glanced between the two of them before he asked, “Is that okay, Susanna?”

  “Yah.” Susanna didn’t hesitate, but climbed down the buggy step with Joey’s hand still in hers. The touch made her heart throb, but it soothed her at the same time. She wanted to cry and laugh all at once.

  “Take your time,” Emma hollered to them before she clucked to her horse and drove off.

  Joey stared at the buggy for a moment. “That’s a nice friend you have there.”

  “Yah, she is,” Susanna agreed.

  “So tell me. Are you okay?” Joey’s hand was still in hers.

  “I’m trying to be,” Susanna managed.

  “Let’s go sit,” Joey said, leading her toward the car.

  Susanna followed him and he opened the car door for her. She slid inside, careful not to look up at his face. She couldn’t without breaking into tears. Whether they would be tears of happiness or sadness, she couldn’t tell.

  “How have you been?” he asked.

  “I’m making it so far, but barely.” Susanna pasted a smile on her face.

  Joey nodded. “I’m really worried about you. I haven’t heard a thing since you called that night. I mean, is the cell phone still working?”

  “The battery is fine.” Susanna made a wry face. “I can’t charge it, but I haven’t used the phone either.”

  “That’s just the point,” Joey said. “Why don’t you call? Don’t you want to speak with me?”

  Susanna looked away. The answer was obvious. The problem was how to tell him about Ernest and his marriage proposal, and the baptismal class, and Ernest’s cute kinner, and the community life she wasn’t even sure she wanted to live.

  “You need to tell me what’s troubling you, whatever it is,” Joey said. “That is…unless you want me out of your life for good. If that’s what you need to tell me today, I can leave and never bother you again.”

  This was her moment, Susanna told herself. She could mumble the words and Joey would stay true to his word. There would be no pressure and no assumptions and no…

  Susanna caught her breath. “Joey, I can’t talk here. For some reason, I want to be at your house. Can we go pick up Emma and drive to your house?”

  Joey smiled. “That would be perfect.” He reached for the keys and started the car.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Twenty minutes later, Susanna held her breath as Joey turned into the Macalisters’ driveway. The familiar sight of the house swept over her. Here she had spent so many happy hours on the weekends. Those delightful times now seemed as if they were lost in the shadows of yesterday.

  “Here we are,” Joey said.

  “Yah.” Susanna didn’t look at him, but reached for the door handle. She had made her mind up when they were parked along Maple Ridge Road and hadn’t wavered since. She would come here and tell Joey everything.

  “So this is where you live, Joey?” Emma asked from the backseat.

  Susanna turned to answer. “Yah, isn’t it nice? Are you coming in?”

  “I guess so,” Emma said, following Susanna out of the car.

  Emma glanced around as if the place held a grave danger for her.

  “Let’s go inside.” Susanna took Emma’s arm. Joey caught up with them and ran ahead to unlock the front door.

  “Home sweet home,” Joey proclaimed after opening the door. “Welcome to our humble abode.”

  Emma’s arm trembled under Susanna’s touch. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.” Her gaze shifted quickly around the room. “Is this where you used to come?”

  “Yah.”

  Emma didn’t say anything as her eyes widened.

  “You’re not comfortable here,” Susanna said. “We’ll make this fast and drive you back to the buggy.”

  “No! Take your time,” Emma ordered. “We must get this matter settled once and for all. I certainly am never coming back here again.”

  “Hey, you two,” Joey said. “What are you whispering about? This isn’t Dracula’s den.”

  Susanna managed to laugh, but Emma appeared puzzled. Clearly they were worlds apart in their understanding of the Englisha life. But Susanna didn’t need a reminder of that right now.

  “Where can I go while you talk?” Emma asked. “Is there a backyard?”

  “No, you’re staying,” Susanna said. “I want you here. Is that all right, Joey?”

  “Whatever you want will work for me.”

  “I don’t think it’s right,” Emma protested.

  But Susanna insisted. “You’re going to hear this.”

  Emma needed to know what had happened between Susanna and Ernest. Stepping inside the Macalisters’ house had emboldened her. It was almost as if she had come home, only that wasn’t possible. This was not her home.

  At Joey’s direction, the two girls took seats on the couch, and Joey seated himself on the sprawling rug by the fireplace.

  “Okay, if everyone’s comfortable, tell me all, Susanna. I want to know,” Joey said.

  Susanna fixed her gaze on the familiar outline of the Macalisters’ stone fireplace. Above the mantel were two stones that intersected to form an angel’s face. She needed to see angels right now.

  “My parents,” she began, “or the people I thought were my parents, are not really my parents.” She didn’t dare look at Joey. “Well, sort of. My father is my father, but the woman I thought was my mother isn’t. I was born to a Mindy Whithus, and she came from what the community calls the Englisha world. That would be your world, Joey. I was conceived before my daett’s Amish marriage, and I was taken into my daett’s home after Mindy died. She died soon after I was born, and I was raised without this knowledge even though the older people of the community knew. Daett had requested their silence. I guess they thought Daett would tell me when the time came. If I had turned out like the rest of the Amish young folks, the matter would have faded from sight. But I didn’t turn out the way they had hoped. My daett was slow to face the facts, but the rest of the community wasn’t. I clearly displayed the tendencies of my Englisha mother, and the truth is, they don’t know half of what I did over here on the weekends.” The angel on the fireplace faded in and out of her focus, and Susanna’s voice choked.

  “Please continue,” Joey said, his voice soft. “I haven’t heard anything incriminating so far.”

  Susanna wiped her eyes. Why did Joey have to say such a nice thing at the wrong time? She tried to smile at him but couldn’t.

  “I am to be married off,” Susanna finally whispered, “to the only Amish man who will take me. He is a widower, and all I have to do is attend the baptismal classes and be baptized soon afterward. After the wedding my past indiscretions will fade away, washed off by the sacred vows of marriage, I suppose.”

  Joey sat up straighter on the fireplace rug. “Do you love this man?”

  Susanna kept her gaze on the stone angel. “Do I have to answer that?”

  Emma spoke up. “No, she doesn’t love him! That’s why we’re here.”

  Joey glanced between the two of them. “If you don’t love him, why would you do this, Susanna? I think I know you pretty well that this is not who you are. T
his would be nothing more than an arranged marriage.” Joey allowed the horror to tinge his voice. “What about the life you love out here, Susanna? And your music? I can’t imagine a woman who can play the way you do taking a man she doesn’t love as her husband.”

  “Music?” Emma gasped. “Susanna plays music?”

  Susanna ignored Emma. “I want to do what is right, Joey. I know that makes no sense to you, but this is what the people I trust say is right.”

  “But what about you?” Joey insisted. “What do you think is right?”

  “Yah,” Emma interjected. “What you feel toward the man you marry is very important. It would be wrong for you and wrong for him if you were to marry Ernest when you don’t love him.”

  Susanna turned to face Emma. “But you’re only saying that because of your feelings for Ernest. You know our community doesn’t think that way.”

  “But if you left Ernest heartbroken after the wedding, how would you live with yourself?” Emma countered. “And think of the pain you’ll leave me in too.”

  Joey’s head swiveled back and forth between the two of them.

  “Sorry, Joey,” Susanna muttered. “We talk a different language, so bear with us.”

  “Yeah, some translation would be nice,” Joey said.

  Susanna gave Emma a quick glance. She shouldn’t betray Emma’s trust, even to explain things to Joey. “Maybe we’d best leave that topic alone,” Susanna said.

  Joey shrugged. “As you wish, but you have done nothing to be ashamed of, Susanna. I can understand, I guess, why you might give in to the pressure the community has brought to bear on you. But you really shouldn’t. You’re a wonderful woman, Susanna. You’re bigger than this. You’re loyal, and decent, and beautiful on top of all that.”