Dear Heart, I Hate You

by J. Sterling

  Impatient, I stared at my phone, waiting for the pictures to come through. When they did, I wasn’t disappointed. We didn’t look cute together . . .

  We looked fucking perfect.

  Ugh, I Miss Him

  Jules

  Hearing Cal’s voice was part heaven, part hell. Listening to him speak, I could picture him perfectly, those damn lips moving and his gorgeous white teeth. The hellish part had been accepting that maybe I’d never hear that voice or see those lips in person again. The thought alone saddened me. But it was reality.

  Maybe whatever this was between us would fade away eventually. I had no idea where we were headed, if anywhere, but talking to him only made me want him more. With each text he sent, he felt a little less out of reach, closer somehow. And I had to admit that I liked the idea, no matter how unrealistic it might be.

  Genuinely liking someone had seemed so impossible that it rarely, if ever, even crossed my mind before meeting Cal. Now, whenever I wasn’t consumed with a client’s needs or desires, my thoughts were with him. The feeling was as strange as it was exciting.

  And I was excited. Just talking to Cal made me feel good, happier than I’d been in a long time.

  It had never occurred to me that I wasn’t truly happy before I met him. I’d always thought that work was enough for me. It took a chance encounter to show me that life was about so much more than just work. Logically, I knew this already, of course; I just thought it would be impossible for me to find a guy who really understood me. And I’d been okay with that, had accepted that.

  At least, I thought I had. Funny how one person could make you question the things you believed were true.

  As I changed into my workout clothes, my phone rang. I glanced at it, noting Tami’s name before answering it on speaker.

  “Hey, girl,” I said as I laced up my running shoes.

  “Hey. I just wanted to check in, and A, see how the showing went today. And B, ask about hot Cal. Did you guys talk?”

  “I called him on my drive home.”

  “You called him?” she shrieked, sounding outraged. “No, he needs to call you. Why, Jules? Why would you do that?”

  Rolling my eyes at her melodrama, I said tentatively, “Because he asked me to call him after I got off work,” wondering what the hell I’d done wrong in the land of Tam.

  “Oh, thank God. That changes everything. Remember, he pursues you, Jules, and not the other way around.”

  I giggled as she laid down the law to me as if she were some sort of relationship expert. She wasn’t and I damn well knew it, but I decided to play along.

  “What about texting?”

  “What about it?”

  “Am I allowed to text him first?” I tried to stifle another laugh as I waited for her response.

  “You’re laughing, Jules, but this is serious. Texting depends.”

  “On what?”

  “I don’t know! Who texted first today?”

  I bit my lower lip as I remembered waking up this morning to a text from him. “He did. I woke up to a message that read good morning, beautiful.”

  “Ah shit. Text him anytime you want. Have his babies. Do it now,” she said, doing a one-eighty so fast my head was spinning.

  “You’re horrible at this,” I said, no longer holding back my laugh. “I have to go.”

  “Wait! What about the house?”

  My laughter turned into an annoyed groan. “They didn’t like it. It wasn’t grand enough. I have to find them more options.”

  “That sucks. I’m sorry. When you do finally find them something grand enough,” she said in a British accent, “we’ll go out and celebrate.”

  “I can’t wait. Seriously. How’s work for you?” I asked, knowing she’d gloss over her day, as usual.

  As a lawyer, Tami wasn’t allowed to talk about the specifics of her cases until they were settled. I knew today would be no exception, but didn’t want her to think I wasn’t interested in her day.

  “You know—same old, same old. Sell that house so we can go out and party!”

  “I don’t have to sell a house in order for us to go out,” I reminded her.

  “I know, but it’s more fun when we act like we’re only out because we’re celebrating something. The guys love it.”

  “You’re seriously crazy, but I love you anyway. Talk to you later.”

  I pressed End, wondering for the millionth time how I’d gotten so lucky in the best-friend department. Tami was a certain kind of crazy, but she always had my best interest at heart, and I knew I could count on her.

  Teamwork

  Jules

  Waking up to a text message that read good morning, beautiful every day for the past few weeks had become a welcome routine. Although, really, how could something so sweet ever get old? Knowing that Cal had gone out of his way to make sure I had a message from him when I woke up each morning made me feel special and wanted.

  The funny thing was, I sort of did the same thing for him. Every night before I went to bed, I sent him a text telling him good night, wanting him to know that he was the last person I thought of before I went to sleep.

  Those texts quickly became a habit I couldn’t imagine ending anytime soon. To be honest, I couldn’t imagine anything with Cal ending anytime soon. If I had thought that this thing between us might fade away with time, I was sorely mistaken. It had been a few weeks since I left Boston, and my desire for him hadn’t faded. If anything, it had grown with each conversation we shared, each message we exchanged.

  He’d even sent me flowers. I had been shocked to get them, the surprise written all over my face so much that my coworkers had teased me for days and begged for the details. They’d been around when Brandon had dumped me, so they were excited at a new prospect on the horizon for me.

  Cal had grown on me so naturally that I found myself subconsciously counting on him in ways I hadn’t expected. Our connection grew out of us debriefing about our days and sharing our thoughts. Whenever something happened at work, I wanted to call him and tell him all about it. He always had great perspective and was willing to listen without seeming bored or irritated.

  As much as I wanted to be surprised by his willingness to help me, I couldn’t be because I felt the same way when it came to hearing about his day and his career. I wanted him to succeed, and if I could help him in any way, I tried to do it.

  The two of us brainstormed together about how I could reach more clients, and how he could grow his clientele. Cal pushed me in ways I never knew that I needed, helping me think outside the box and solve problems in simple ways that were only complicated because I’d over-thought them. He wanted me to be better, and he was excited about the goals I had for myself. It was such an unfamiliar feeling to be cheered on in this way, but it was also exhilarating.

  “Thanks for your help, Jules.” Cal sounded genuinely appreciative about the advice I’d just given him for ways to bring in new business to his firm.

  “Of course. You do the same thing for me all the time.” I snuggled deeper into my couch and pulled a blanket under my chin.

  “I know. It’s just really nice to have someone in my corner who gets it.”

  “I was thinking the same thing the other night. I’ve never had someone care about my success before,” I admitted.

  It was true. I’d never dated someone who felt like a teammate or partner, and didn’t know I needed one. My ex-boyfriend Brandon definitely wasn’t on board with my workaholic tendencies, and didn’t want to hear about anything work related when we were together. You’re off the clock, Jules, he would say anytime I mentioned the dreaded four-letter word.

  Brandon’s attitude had created so much tension in our relationship. I’d been excited about my growth in the company and wanted to share it with the one person who was supposed to love me the most and want me to succeed. Not only was he not interested, he made me think there was something wrong with me, when the truth was there was something wrong with him.


  Cal made a noise of disbelief. “I don’t understand that. What about your ex?” he said, referring to a brief conversation we’d had about our exes.

  “He hated when I talked about work.”

  “How could any man hate that?”

  “Maybe because he wasn’t as driven as I was. I never stopped, Cal. I was all work, all the time, no matter what day it was or what time it was. My brain never shut off.”

  After being conditioned to believe I was weird for so long, I felt obligated to look at things from Brandon’s point of view, to imagine how he must have felt when he dated me. I definitely didn’t give him the amount of attention I’d devoted to my job, not by a long shot. Maybe a man could only tolerate something like that for so long.

  Cal made a sound, something that was part grunt, part huff. “I think that for people like you and me, Jules, we can’t be with someone who isn’t as driven as we are. It would never work.”

  “Why do you think I don’t date?” I said with a laugh.

  For as open and honest as we were with each other, there were certain topics I was still too nervous to broach with Cal, and his feelings for me was one of them. I was scared it was too soon to talk about feelings, especially since we’d only spent one weekend together.

  “Because the guys in LA are idiots,” he said without missing a beat.

  My cheeks burning at his compliment, I blurted, “Then the girls in Boston must be stupid too.”

  Surely Cal knew he was a catch. Not that I wanted another woman to catch him anytime soon; at least, not until whatever this was between us had run its course. The thought of him dating someone else made my stomach churn.

  When he let out a big laugh that ended in a yawn, I glanced at my mantel clock, noting it was well past midnight his time.

  “I don’t want to let you go,” he said, “but I probably should.”

  “I know. It’s late. Thanks for everything tonight. I feel like we should get matching baseball jerseys or something.”

  “Team Success,” he suggested, and I laughed.

  “I like the way you think.”

  “You should. It’s the same way you think.”

  Touché, Cal Donovan. Touché.

  “All right,” I said as I threw off my blanket and sat up. “Go to bed. You’re so distracting. I haven’t even worked out yet.”

  “Slacker.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  “Talk to you tomorrow.” He yawned again before saying good night and ending the call.

  If I’d thought I was in trouble when Tami picked me up from the airport, I was in so much more trouble now. And the worst part?

  I loved it.

  • • •

  My phone vibrated and the familiar blue smiley face stared back at me as my heart rate doubled and my thumbs couldn’t press the buttons fast enough to respond. I always found myself racing to open Cal’s text just to see what he had to say. No matter how many messages he sent me, my body reacted as if it were the first.

  Dream Lips: Are you home from work yet?

  Jules: Not yet. I have about another hour or so. Text you when I’m done?

  Dream Lips: Yes, please.

  I smiled and put my phone away, then tried to focus again on the paperwork piled on my desk. It was crazy how easily a man could distract me, especially considering I’d never been the type to lose focus so easily before.

  Apparently the right guy could throw you all out of whack and make you want to reprioritize everything in your life to make sure they fit into it. At least, that was the effect Cal seemed to have on me.

  Shit. I really was in trouble. As the logical side of my brain nagged at me to resist this sort of behavior, to not behave how a typical woman might, my heart begged me to make room for him.

  And for once in my life, I was siding with my heart over my brain.

  Long Distance

  Cal

  Ever since Jules had mentioned that we were sort of like a team, I couldn’t get the notion out of my head. When she’d first joked that we should have matching jerseys, my gut reaction had been to shout Team Success into the phone as if it was the most natural thing to do.

  I’d never had a teammate before. Sure, I had Lucas, but it wasn’t the same. Before Jules, I’d never met a woman who seemed invested in my success, in me.

  Scratch that. I’d definitely met women interested in my success, but only because they wanted to reap the rewards of my hard work. They didn’t want to be part of what it took to get there; they simply wanted to share in the outcome.

  Jules couldn’t have been more different. She didn’t care about my money; she had her own. She pushed me to better myself because that was what a good woman did for her man. And that was what a good man did for his woman.

  Whoa. Where the hell did that thought come from?

  I pressed my desk phone’s intercom button. “Lucas?”

  He poked his head in my cubicle a moment later. “You rang? And why am I always coming to you? My desk is right over there, you know. You could come to me.” He rolled his eyes.

  “Yeah, but you sit next to that asshole, and I don’t want him eavesdropping.”

  Lucas agreed with a grimace.

  The guy who sat next to Lucas was related to one of the owners in the company and had a reputation for ratting people out whenever it benefited him. I imagined that he would love the fact that my focus was now split between work and Jules¸ and he wouldn’t hesitate to fill in the managing partners.

  “I had an idea, and I wanted your opinion.”

  Lucas leaned against my desk. “Is this about Jules?”

  I nodded.

  “I’m all ears,” he said and leaned in a little closer.

  My mind spun. It was crazy how quickly I’d grown accustomed to Jules occupying my thoughts. At first, I’d tried to resist it, but I soon realized it was a battle I was never going to win. Thoughts of her moved right on in, unpacked, and made themselves at home.

  When I dropped her off at the airport all those weeks ago, the idea of seeing her again seemed ridiculous. Hell, I honestly never thought we’d be talking every single day the way we were. Now I couldn’t imagine not talking to her. She’d become part of my daily routine, easily the best part.

  But I was going crazy only talking to her and not seeing her. What I had initially thought was a fun weekend fling had somehow turned into more, and I wasn’t exactly sure when that had happened.

  I wanted to see Jules again. No, I needed to see her again. I found myself longing to touch her. Thoughts like that would normally make me feel like a fool, but I didn’t feel foolish when it came to Jules. It was as if my primal desire for her superseded any other emotion I might normally experience. All I thought about was how much I needed her in my arms again.

  I drew in a long breath through my nose before exhaling slowly, watching Lucas for his reaction. “I was thinking about going out there to see her. Do you think it’s a stupid idea?”

  “Why would I tell you that’s a stupid idea?” He gave me a look that clearly said you’re an idiot. “I’ve been waiting for you to say it since she left.”

  “Be serious for once,” I growled out.

  Cocking his head, he studied me. “I am. You’re just being stubborn.”

  “You’re not helping.”

  “Helping? What do you want me to help with? Looks like you’ve got this covered. You want to go see her, so go. She probably wants to see you too.” He dusted his hands off as if brushing away any concern, and said, “My work here is done.”

  “You’re sure it’s not a dumb idea?” I asked again, giving him one more chance to talk me out of it.

  Lucas clapped me on the shoulder and gave it a shake. “It’s not a dumb idea. It’s the best idea you’ve had since she left. Go see your girl. I’ve got work to do. We can talk about this more later.” Hooking his thumbs in his belt loops, he practically swaggered back to his cubicle, apparently pretty damn pleased with himself.

&n
bsp; I leaned back in my chair and smiled, deciding I’d talk to Jules about it tonight. I hoped she would want to see me again as much as I did her, but she hadn’t mentioned it.

  Did that mean she didn’t? I supposed I’d find out later when I talked to her if flying to LA was a good idea or the stupidest one I’d had lately.

  • • •

  The day dragged on, especially after the stock market closed with shitty returns. Clients always freaked out when the market took a nosedive, and I spent the majority of the late afternoon calming them down and reminding them that selling off their stocks now would only lose them more money in the long run. It was much smarter for them to hold on and wait for the market to come back up. It always rebounded, eventually. It might take years, but the majority of my clientele had that kind of time. They simply needed to be reminded of it.

  When I closed out my e-mail and shut down my computer, I stood up and noticed Lucas was still in the office and on the phone. I walked over to his cubicle and waited for him to end the call, thankful that that nosy prick Jeremy had already left for the day.

  Lucas hung up and spun toward me in his chair. “You’re not second-guessing the trip idea, are you?”

  Sometimes it was helpful how well my best friend knew me. Other times, like now, it was simply annoying.

  “Maybe,” I said, sitting on the edge of his desk the way he always did mine. “I’m not sure. What’s the point of going to see her?”

  My brain had been working overtime all afternoon. Was I being foolish for giving my heart what it so clearly wanted when my head knew there was no future in it? Was I setting us up for an inevitable fall?

  Lucas frowned at me. “What do you mean, what’s the point?”

  “She’s there,” I said, throwing out one arm and then the other. “I’m here. Maybe going out there and seeing her again would just complicate things.”

  “It’s already complicated,” he said with a snort. “You’re just pretending it isn’t.”

  Lucas had a point, but I didn’t want to admit it. I thought about denying it, but he’d see through my bullshit anyway. He always had.