Dear Heart, I Hate You

by J. Sterling

  My heart thumping I drove to the airport that evening and pulled to a stop at the arrivals curb. To be honest, I sort of hated waiting for him there. It felt impersonal somehow, but it was a hell of a lot quicker than parking, going in, and trying to find him.

  Dream Lips: On my way out.

  Jules: I’m in front of the door marked A-2. Charcoal Audi.

  As I stood beside my car and waited for him to materialize, I tried to convince the excited butterflies in my stomach to settle down. When he finally appeared, still in his work suit, a duffel slung over his shoulder, I had to stop myself from sprinting into his arms and knocking him to the ground. Forget the butterflies—a whole damn zoo erupted inside me at the sight of him.

  Cal scanned the cars before finding mine and I watched with satisfaction as a smile crossed his face and he picked up his pace. There was something about a well-dressed man, and there was definitely something about Cal. My entire body warmed as he neared. I pressed a button on my remote and the trunk popped open.

  He strode straight for me, ignoring the trunk as he grabbed me and pulled me against him. No words were exchanged before his lips, my dream lips, took over. They were as soft and perfect as I remembered. I opened to his kiss, and it was as if no time had passed between us. We fell into a familiar rhythm, our mouths and tongues exploring each other in a perfectly choreographed dance.

  Lost in that moment, it wasn’t until a horn honked that I remembered where the hell we even were. I opened my eyes as we reluctantly ended the kiss, the zoo animals inside me running amok.

  “Hi.” His eyes bright, he gave me a big grin before tossing his bag into the trunk and closing it.

  “Hi,” I said, unable to hide my smile.

  “God, I’ve missed you.”

  He pulled me close and kissed me again, his teeth tugging lightly at my bottom lip. As he did, everything inside me turned soft, especially my heart. It was a strange sensation, that moment when every last icicle in my heart melted and fell like summer rain against my rib cage.

  “I missed you too. I can’t believe you’re really here.” I ran my fingers across his five o’clock shadow, the prickle of his skin a welcome sensation. Then I lowered my hand toward his loosened tie and pulled at it.

  He shrugged. “Didn’t have time to change after work.”

  “You look hot.”

  “You look amazing.”

  When his gaze roamed over my body, I suddenly couldn’t wait to have him naked later. Even though it had been far too long since I’d been with a man, I wasn’t nervous. I wanted him and was more than ready.

  “We should go.” I moved toward the driver’s side of my car as he got into the passenger seat.

  I pulled into the snarled traffic as Cal’s hand found the inside of my thigh and rested there, his thumb moving slowly. Instantly, I was transported to the night we met and our weekend together. Glancing at him, I still couldn’t believe he was actually here. Sure, we’d been talking about it for the last two weeks, but having him in my car was almost too much. It was like a dream.

  “What are you thinking about?” he asked with a grin.

  “That I just can’t believe you’re here. And how exciting it is that I don’t have to hear your voice on the phone anymore. I get to look at you while you talk. I feel like Boston was a hundred years ago.”

  “I was telling Luc that exact same thing the other day.” He shook his head in disbelief. “That I still remember every single detail from our weekend together, but it feels like forever ago.”

  I smiled, knowing exactly what he meant. “Here’s the deal. I wanted to take you to Moonshadows for dinner tonight, but I was thinking that since we have such a crazy night planned for tomorrow, maybe we’d just stay in and I would cook, if that was okay with you.”

  “Babe, if it was up to me, we’d never leave your bed. But whatever you want to do is fine by me.”

  “You don’t mind staying in tonight?” I asked again, thankful that he was okay with my last-minute change in plans.

  His hand squeezed my thigh. “I prefer it, to be honest.”

  Yeah. I preferred it too. Tomorrow night at the club event would be hectic, and I’d have to share Cal with everyone we met and talked to. Tonight, I craved alone time with him.

  “Maybe we can go to Moonshadows tomorrow for lunch. If we wait until then, you’ll be able to appreciate the views. It’s right on the water, but you’ll enjoy it more in the daytime.”

  “Sounds great,” he said, and flashed me another grin. “But honestly, I don’t care what we do, babe. I’m just happy to be here.”

  “That makes things easier.”

  I smiled as I turned off onto the PCH. I wanted to point out the sights to him, but the sun had set a while ago. The highway was mostly dark, and he wouldn’t be able to see anything anyway.

  “So, you’re cooking for me, huh?”

  “Yes,” I said as I kept my eyes on the road.

  “What are we having?”

  “You’ll find out soon enough.” I gave him a grin. “We’re almost there.”

  • • •

  When I pulled into my complex, I glanced at Cal and saw his eyes widen as the gate opened. The grounds of my complex were even prettier at night, filled with lights that twinkled in the trees.

  “Jules, this place is gorgeous.”

  “Yeah. I love it.”

  After shutting off the engine, I popped the trunk and reached for my purse. Cal walked around the car and kissed me before hugging me tight. We stood like that, wrapped in each other’s arms in the parking lot, not caring about anything or anyone else in that moment. Being with Cal made me feel like time had stopped.

  He lightly smacked my ass before he grabbed his bag and reached for my hand, intertwining our fingers as I led the way.

  “I’m on the top floor.”

  When I opened the front door, he stopped dead in his tracks and stared. “Jules.”

  “I know, right?” I knew he was seeing the place the same way I had when I first toured it. My apartment was spectacular. It truly was.

  “It’s unbelievable.” His gaze wandered from the kitchen to the living room and back to the floors.

  “I fell in love with it the second I walked in. Wait until you see the bedrooms and the bathrooms. They’re ridiculous.” I walked toward my bedroom as he followed, running his hand along my kitchen countertop.

  We rounded the corner and walked through the doorway of my bedroom. The space was massive, with a fireplace in one corner and double doors that led to the terrace outside.

  Cal’s eyes widened even more. “You have a fireplace in your bedroom?”

  I nodded. It was fun seeing my place through new eyes again. It reminded me exactly how I had first felt.

  He shook his head. “I don’t know if I can handle seeing anything else, Jules. Your place is ridiculous.”

  “Welcome to Malibu?” I wasn’t sure why I phrased it as a question, but that’s how it came out of my mouth.

  “I guess.”

  “Put your bag anywhere. I’m going to start dinner.”

  “Hey,” he said before taking me in his arms. “Thank you. For making dinner and for letting me come out.”

  “Of course,” I said as if it took no effort or was something I did all the time.

  “Wait, I have something for you.” He opened his bag and carefully pulled out a brown paper box. “Here,” he said, shoving it toward me with a grin a mile wide.

  “What’s this?” I said, the weight of it catching me off-guard. The nondescript box was heavy.

  “Open it, Jules. You’ll like it.”

  I pulled at the tape holding the box closed and it popped open. The mouthwatering smell hit me immediately.

  “Oh my God, is this . . . ?” I opened the top all the way to reveal an entire Boston cream pie from the diner.

  “It is.” He pressed a kiss to my nose. “I thought you might be missing it.”

  “You have no idea,” I sa
id before scooping off a small dollop of the chocolate on top and licking it off my finger.

  “Shit, Jules,” he growled out. “I’ll never look at that dessert the same way again.”

  I laughed before closing the lid. “Sorry. I’ll put it in the fridge. But I’m so excited. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. Would you mind if I showered? I’d love to feel clean again. Or would you like my help in the kitchen?”

  I smiled, loving that he was thoughtful enough to offer, even if he didn’t entirely mean it. “Go shower. I already put a towel out for you in the bathroom. It’s the blue one. ’Cause you’re a boy.”

  “Thanks for noticing,” he said and planted a quick kiss on my lips.

  Before I put the dessert in the fridge, I grabbed a fork with the intention of only taking a small bite. But one bite turned into four, and I had to stop before I ate the entire thing. Annoyed at myself, I opened the fridge and shoved it way in the back as far as it would go, as if I was hiding it from myself.

  The dessert now safe, I headed into the living room to turn on the fireplace and light a few candles. I stood for a moment, admiring the ambiance, and returned to the kitchen to warm up the manicotti I’d made from scratch the night before. It would heat up nicely in the oven along with the homemade garlic bread I’d whipped up.

  Once I’d popped open a chilled bottle of wine for myself, I retrieved the bourbon from the cupboard where I’d hidden it from Tami the other night. Leaving it on the counter, I searched for one of the bourbon glasses I’d also bought. I wanted everything to be perfect.

  “You bought me Blanton’s?”

  Cal’s voice startled me, and I turned around to see that he’d changed into sweatpants and a T-shirt. Even dressed ultra casually, he still looked delicious.

  I shrugged. “You said it was your favorite and I wanted to have some here for you.” My gaze drifted the length of his body as he sauntered into the kitchen.

  “Sorry I got comfortable,” he said, referring to his clothes. “Hope that’s okay.”

  “Of course,” I said, then took a calming breath to settle my erratic heart.

  He walked me back into a corner. “That was really thoughtful of you. The bourbon, I mean. Thank you.”

  He leaned close and pressed his lips to mine. His hands slid behind my neck, holding me still as he deepened the kiss. He hardened instantly, something his sweatpants couldn’t hide, and I had to stop myself from moaning. As if reading my mind, he pulled back.

  “See the top?” He pointed to the bourbon’s stopper, shaped in the figure of a jockey riding a horse. “They spell out Blanton’s, and I have all of them except the L.”

  I let out a small chuckle. “Aw, that’s cute.”

  “Be quiet,” he said before shaking his head. “Feel how heavy this is.” He put the brass figural stopper in my hand, surprising me with the weight of it.

  “I didn’t peg you for a horsie collector,” I teased as I handed it back to him.

  “Horsie?” He scowled at me. “These are cool. Women don’t understand. I might just hate you a little for that,” he said, teasing me back.

  “You don’t.”

  “I might.”

  “You don’t.” I leaned up on tiptoe and pressed my lips against his dreamy ones. God, I’d missed them.

  “I don’t,” he mumbled against my lips, then smiled. “Can I at least show you so you don’t think I’m a complete nerd?” When I nodded, he explained. “Each stopper has a horse and jockey in various racing positions. When you collect them all, you not only spell out Blanton’s, but you have the story of a winning race. See?”

  I couldn’t help but grin at his enthusiasm. “I get it. It’s a good marketing gimmick.”

  “You did not just say that. It’s more than that. Jules, you’re breaking my heart here.” He placed his hand over his chest.

  “Tell me it’s not brilliant marketing? It so is!”

  He groaned in frustration and reached for me again, pulling me against him in a tight grip. “Admit it’s awesome.”

  “It is.” I grinned, enjoying torturing him. “Awesome marketing.”

  “You . . . ,” he growled out.

  “You,” I echoed, pressing my body even more firmly against his.

  As his hard-on pushed against my lower belly, I wanted to move against it, slow and teasing. There was a feminine power that came with knowing you caused that to happen, that having me close turned him on.

  “We could skip dinner and just go straight into that ridiculous bedroom of yours,” he said, nipping at my neck with his lips before moving to my ear.

  I swallowed, trying to ignore the tingles his lips were causing. “Food first,” I managed to get out, but I had no idea how.

  Cal pulled away and smiled. “Food first.”

  He poured himself a glass of the bourbon, and I watched him drink it the way he had taught me to, breathing it in before sipping it.

  “You can go sit down while I deal with this, if you want,” I said, not wanting him to feel obligated to sit in the kitchen with me.

  When he said in a low voice, “I’d rather be where you are,” my heart practically melted into a puddle at my feet, just like the icicles had earlier.

  Taking in his perfect smile and damp hair, fresh from the shower, I said, “I still can’t believe you’re really here.”

  “I know. Me either.” He winked and gave me a lopsided smile.

  Cal talked to me as I went through the motions of warming up our dinner. As he did, I had my back turned to him, and it was almost like having him on speakerphone. But each time I turned around and realized that he was really there, standing with me in my apartment, excitement would rip through me.

  “What are you thinking about?” he asked.

  “Your voice. I got so used to hearing it over the phone, you know? But now it’s here. In person. It’s just . . .” I paused as I pulled the pasta from the oven, feeling stupid as I said the words out loud. “It’s weird. Like I have to remind my brain that I can open my eyes and enjoy the fact that you’re really here, not thousands of miles away.”

  “I know exactly what you mean,” he said, his gaze lingering on my mouth.

  It warmed me from the inside out that he understood. I’d never been in a long-distance relationship before, or whatever it was that we were doing, so all of this was uncharted territory for me.

  I set the pasta on the kitchen table next to the salad and the bread. A pair of white candles set in sand and shells adorned the table, giving it a warm glow. Our conversation all but stopped once we started eating; apparently both of us were hungrier than we cared to admit.

  “Jules, this is delicious,” he said between bites.

  “Thank you. I’ll tell my grandma you approve.”

  He nodded, trying to talk around a mouthful of food. “Did she make it?”

  I laughed. “No, but she gave me the recipe.”

  • • •

  When we finished dinner, I stood up to clear the table but Cal placed a hand on mine, stopping me.

  “I’ll get the dishes.”

  “You don’t have to do that.”

  “I want to. Go shower or get ready for bed, whatever you need to do, and let me take care of this, okay?”

  He could not be this perfect. “Are you sure?” I felt a little guilty, but the offer was more than appealing.

  “Go.” He pushed me away gently before saying, “Wait. Take this.” He handed me my refilled wineglass, and I did as he asked.

  When I emerged from the bathroom in my pajamas, I was only marginally surprised to find Cal lying on my bed with the TV on. His eyes locked onto mine and I looked away, as if I was shy all of a sudden. Glancing down at my tiny shorts and tank, I padded my way across the wood floors toward the bed.

  Cal didn’t look away, his eyes still firmly focused on mine. When I reached the bed, I snuggled as close to him as possible. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled my head onto his chest, the feeling od
dly familiar after being away from each other for so long. He ran his fingers through my hair as I splayed my hand across his rib cage, drawing lazy circles with my thumb.

  “Thank you again for dinner.” He leaned forward and touched his lips to the top of my head.

  I craned my neck to look up at him. “It was my pleasure. Truly.”

  And it was. It had been. I’d never been the type before, but I realized that I enjoyed taking care of Cal, doing nice things for him. Something about it made me feel good.

  We tried to kiss but it was awkward, the angle all wrong. He moved from under me, his body and mine switching places before he hovered above me. I stared at his lips as they moved closer to mine, and closed my eyes. When our mouths touched, so soft at first, the air filled with the intimacy of it all.

  “I missed you so much,” he breathed into me, our lips never breaking contact.

  “Me too. Every single day,” I admitted, not caring if it was too much, too soon. It was how I felt.

  He pulled away slightly, and the corner of his mouth lifted. “So honest.”

  He’d said that more than once to me before and I’d never questioned it, although I was always a little uncertain about what he might mean by it.

  When I reached around his back, trying to pull him down on top of me, he lowered himself, careful not to crush me as he settled his weight on me. My hips lifted slightly, moved in their own rhythm, wanting this, wanting him.

  “Look at me,” Cal said, and I opened my eyes to a sea of hazel. “Are you sure?”

  I nodded, and his lips crushed against mine as if he’d been holding back since he arrived at the airport. He kissed me deep and hard before moving to my neck and nipping at my skin.

  “I want you so bad,” he said, almost breathless. “But I’ll wait if you’re still not ready.”

  “Shut up, Cal. You know damn well I’m ready.” I tried to sound tough, but I wanted him as badly as he wanted me, if not more.

  It was all the permission he needed. He dropped next to me on his side, his arm wrapped around my back as he pulled me against him, his grasp firm. He kissed me everywhere, as if he was afraid I might change my mind if he stopped. And when his lips met mine, I lost all train of thought. I could only think of his mouth, his tongue, and what it did to the zoo that apparently lived inside me.