Dear Heart, I Hate You

by J. Sterling

  “I’m heading back to the office now, and I have a showing at three thirty. I should be home around five, at the latest.”

  “Okay. I’m just gonna let myself in,” she said through a yawn. Tami not only knew the security code to get into my gated community, she also had the only spare key to my apartment.

  “All right. I’ll see you when I get home.”

  After Tami ended the call, I wondered if I’d find her asleep when I got home. She enjoyed pretending that the guest bedroom that doubled as my home office belonged to her. I always found new spare clothes of hers hanging in the closet after she’d spent the night, and some days it felt as if she’d all but moved into the guest bathroom with the amount of toiletries and makeup she left there.

  I used to pray she’d leave her pink contacts so I could throw them out, but she’d only left the most ridiculous pair of turquoise ones once. That night when we’d gone out, guys had complimented her on her unusual eye color, asking who she took after in her family, her mother’s side or her father’s. Idiots.

  Malibu didn’t have much choice in the way of affordable rental units, and the majority of apartment complexes in the area were old and outdated. When I first toured my apartment complex, I fell in love on the spot. While it unfortunately didn’t have an ocean view, the entire property had been landscaped to look and feel as if you lived in an island resort. The trees were lush, vibrant, and perfectly aligned with the benches, picnic areas, fountains, and hammocks that were scattered across the acreage, all to give the common areas a Zen-like feel.

  My apartment was a two-bedroom unit that was almost as big as the house I’d grown up in. It wasn’t that I needed that much space for just me, but when I first looked here, it was either that or rent an even larger three-bedroom. The frugal side of me wanted to walk out of there and say no, but the practical side reminded me that I could easily afford the rent, and that my options in Malibu were somewhat limited.

  Plus, it would have been hard for any other rental space to compare to the features this one had. Considering the marble entryway, hardwood floors, stainless steel appliances, oversized terrace, and a walk-in closet the size of a normal bedroom, I couldn’t resist. It was hands down the prettiest place I’d ever lived in my life. I loved coming home each day and walking through my door.

  After showing my last property of the day and finishing up some paperwork, I headed home well before five. I glanced at the bottle of bourbon sitting on my passenger seat and smiled. Thirteen days. Driving through the privacy gates, I noticed Tami’s BMW in a visitor’s spot, and was thankful she hadn’t stolen my assigned parking space like she sometimes did.

  I took the stairs up to my third-floor apartment two at a time before bursting through my front door with a wide smile.

  “Honey, I’m home!” I shouted.

  “Hi, dear.” Tami appeared from around the corner with a glass of wine already in hand. “Ooh, did you bring me a present?”

  When she hustled over and grabbed for the bottle of bourbon I was holding, I stashed it behind my back, out of her reach.

  “Hands off. That’s for Cal.”

  “But Cal’s not here,” she pointed out, her natural brown eyes sparkling with mischief.

  “Since when do you drink bourbon?”

  I nudged her with my hip before moving to put the bottle in one of the many empty kitchen cabinets. I honestly had no idea how anyone could possibly fill them all up unless a family of ten lived there.

  She brightened. “Since right now?”

  “Not happening,” I said with a laugh. “It’s a gift.”

  “Party pooper,” she said with a pretend pout.

  When I stuck my tongue out at her in response, she went to the fridge and poured me a glass of wine as a peace offering.

  “Thanks.”

  I took a big sip of my wine as we stepped out onto my covered terrace, furnished with a patio furniture set that was not only gorgeous, but was well worn in since we sat out there whenever we could. I plopped down in one of the oversized chairs, tucking my feet beneath me, and Tami stretched out in the chair next to mine and propped her feet on a footstool.

  “How are you feeling today?” she asked once we were settled in. “Even more excited than you were last night, or are you going to start freaking out?”

  “Why would I freak out?”

  “Because you’ve only known this guy for a month?” she said, her eyes wide. “And he’s coming out here and he’s going to sleep over in your personal space and stick his thingy in your thingy and who the hell knows how long it’s been since that’s happened.”

  Shaking my head, I stared at my best friend like the insane lunatic she was. “I just don’t even know what to say to that.” Rolling my eyes at her, I took a sip of my wine.

  “You’re seriously not freaking out at all?”

  I shrugged, wondering if something was wrong with me. Should I have been freaking out that Cal was coming here? I didn’t feel like that at all.

  “Honestly, I’m just excited. And really freaking happy.”

  That answer made her smile. “I like that. I’m happy for you. And I’m really excited too. Cheers.” She pushed her glass toward me and we clinked them together.

  “Cheers,” I said, and then leaned my head back against the pale blue padding and breathed in the evening air.

  Even though I couldn’t see the water from my place, the ocean was just across the main street. The only issue was that the street was wide and the beach access wasn’t easy, no matter what the apartment complex brochure tried to lead you to believe. Oceanfront, my ass. Still, I could smell the salt in the air. The only thing that could make my terrace more perfect was being able to hear the waves crashing against the shore, but I couldn’t, not even when there was no traffic and I strained to hear.

  “You are going to have sex with him, right?” She pointed at my crotch. “It’s not broken, is it?”

  “How would it be broken?” I said with a laugh. “And yes, I planned on it.”

  I definitely planned on sleeping with Cal when he came out here. I hadn’t done it in Boston because we’d just met, and to me, it had simply been way too soon. But we’d talked every day for almost a month since then, and somehow that made things different. I felt closer to him than I did then, and having sex was something I wanted to do, something I was more prepared for.

  “Thank God.” She winked at me. “Wouldn’t want the poor guy flying all the way out here and going home with blue balls.”

  “Seriously. Where did you come from?”

  “Bob and Lila Cheng. Why do you ask?” she said matter-of-factly as she mentioned her parents’ names.

  “Because sometimes I think you came from Mars. Or Pluto. Or some other planet.”

  “I’ll let my parents know you think so.” She gave me a sassy grin before tossing back the rest of her wine.

  My phone rang and I moved to grab it, not quite sure who it might be. Tami peered over, and when she saw Cal’s name, she whispered, “Does he call you every night?”

  I nodded as I answered. “Hey,” I practically purred into the line.

  “Hey, babe. Guess what?”

  “What?”

  “Thirteen days,” he announced excitedly.

  I squealed. “I was just talking to Tami about that. We’re super excited.”

  “Tami’s excited too?”

  Cal knew exactly who Tami was. I’d filled him in on more than one occasion about her and her antics, the same way he’d shared Lucas’s latest dating disasters with me.

  When I thought about, it amazed me how much we now knew about each other’s day-to-day lives. It was incredible what you could learn about a person when you did nothing but talk to them on the phone, rather than see them. Seeing someone could be distracting, but if you took the physical stuff out of the equation, you were only left with the rest.

  “I can’t believe he actually calls you,” Tami said, seeming flabbergasted by the very idea. />
  “What’s she saying?” Cal asked, his tone amused.

  “She said she can’t believe that you call me,” I told him.

  “As opposed to what?”

  “Texting? I don’t know.”

  He huffed. “I’m a man, Jules. Tell her that real men know how to have conversations on the phone, and we use ours for more than just text messages.”

  When I lowered the phone and started to relay the message, my best friend groaned. “Oh, just give me the phone.”

  She pulled the phone out of my hand.

  “Hi, Cal Not-Klein,” she said, trying to sound composed and not tipsy. “I know. It’s impressive. Guys really don’t call anymore. They text.”

  My eyebrows shot up at how her voice completely changed. He’d already charmed her through the damn phone. I sat there, listening to the one-sided conversation and wondering exactly what Cal was asking her, or saying to her. My heart raced as I listened to my best friend chat up my . . . well, my Cal.

  Tami giggled, said good-bye, and handed me back the phone.

  Cal chuckled when I was back on the line. “She’s a nut.”

  Laughing along with him, I said, “You have no idea.”

  “I’ll let you go since Tami’s there. Call me later if you want, or I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  I didn’t want to get off the phone. I never wanted to, but he was right. Tami was here tonight to hang out with me, so focusing on her was the right thing to do.

  “Okay. Thanks for calling.”

  “Of course. And, Jules?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I miss you.”

  “Miss you too.”

  Raising his voice to catch my attention before I hung up, he called out, “And hey!”

  “Yes?”

  “Send me a picture of you and Tami right now.”

  “Oh my gosh. Done!”

  “’Bye, babe.”

  “’Bye.”

  As I pressed End, Tami raised her eyebrows at me. “Oh man. I can’t wait to meet him in real life.”

  “You’re going to love him. He wants a picture of us, by the way,” I said as I held my phone up high, fitting us both into the frame and making sure we looked good.

  “I’d want a picture of us too,” she said, smiling as she held her wineglass in the air.

  Making sure the picture was hot enough to send, I fired off a text to Cal with the picture included.

  Less than a minute later, he sent one back. When I held the phone toward Tami, she laughed at the picture of him mimicking her pose, holding a beer in the air and wearing a kissy face.

  “Holy lips,” Tami said as she pulled the phone out of my hand.

  Shaking my head, I said, “You have no idea.” I tossed back the rest of my wine and pushed off my chair. “Want more?”

  Tami stood up as well. “We need food.”

  “Agreed,” I said, rubbing my stomach as we headed inside.

  I whipped us up some whole wheat pasta with olive oil, which was way more fattening than one would think, but oh so delicious. My excuse was that it went well with the wine. Tami tried to complain about the calories, but when I reminded her that she never gained weight, she quickly shut up and finished off her plate.

  We picked out a romantic comedy to watch after dinner, and when Tami fell asleep on the couch all bundled up, I left her there and headed into my bedroom for some Cal-filled slumber. Dream Cal was extra hot, and so were his lips.

  God, I couldn’t wait to see him.

  Whole Damn Zoo

  Jules

  Eight days. The next handful of days flew by much quicker than I ever thought possible. Cal and I had a phone conversation every evening, no matter how brief, discussing things from our favorite foods to places we wanted to travel.

  Throughout the day, we texted, those texts growing more frequent as his trip neared. They usually were just quick messages like “I miss you” or “thinking of you,” but that didn’t make them any less sweet. Maybe it made them even more so. Knowing that I was in his thoughts as often as he was in mine was reassuring.

  I was thankful that my job was a constant state of busy. I could schedule appointments as late into the evening as my clients would allow. Working during the weekends was usually a no-brainer since most people preferred looking at as many properties as possible, and their work schedules during the week made their free time limited. On Saturdays and Sundays, I was usually slammed all day long, but I was thankful for it. It helped settle my heart and keep my mind focused and on task.

  Once I got home, however, it was a whole other story. My entire being tuned to Cal Donovan and how many days I had left until he would be here. There were eight, by the way, a number I couldn’t forget since I still woke up each morning to a countdown text. When we reached single digits, I almost cried, not out of anything other than being genuinely filled with happiness. It was ridiculous, but I loved it and refused to fight it.

  The feelings I had for him were both unexpected and unfamiliar, and their intensity took my breath away. Cal had been an exception to everything I’d ever thought I wanted, and I couldn’t pretend that he wasn’t. It wasn’t in my nature to lie—not to others, and especially not to myself.

  So when he called each night, I found it more difficult than usual to keep those thoughts and feelings inside instead of letting them fly out of my mouth. Cal was focused on work, and even though he was the one who had initiated his trip out here to see me, I didn’t want to scare him off with my intensity.

  My emotions and enthusiasm grew with each day that passed. I planned things for us to do while Cal was here, with options depending on how tired he was or what appealed to him more. I planned my outfits, down to which panty-and-bra set I would wear each day and night. I’m such a girl sometimes. And I even checked Cooper’s hockey schedule to see if his team would be in town or not. They wouldn’t be, which made me a little sad.

  Asking Cal about his favorite foods the other night on the phone had been a ploy so I could have them on hand when he was here. He loved Italian and seafood, which fit in perfectly with the ideas I had. I wasn’t the best cook, but I did have a few Italian specialties up my sleeve, thanks to my grandmother, and living in Malibu meant access to some of the best seafood restaurants around. This trip was going to be epic.

  I hoped like hell my heart would survive this without falling for him completely.

  I was doomed.

  • • •

  One day. When I opened my eyes that morning, I noticed the green light glowing on my phone that indicated unread text messages. The familiar dark blue smiley face greeted me as I swiped at my screen.

  Dream Lips: One day!

  I quickly typed out a response.

  Jules: OMG. One day! I can’t wait, Cal!

  Dream Lips: Me either.

  Dream Lips: Oh yeah. Good morning, beautiful.

  Our countdown had been sweet, something to help pass the time, but now the reality was actually starting to sink in. Cal would be here tomorrow!

  I sucked in a long breath as I took stock of my emotions, and to my surprise I still wasn’t nervous or worried. I didn’t question whether we’d get along or how things would be when we finally saw each other again after all this time. Maybe if we hadn’t kept in touch the way we had, I might have felt differently, but all I knew was that I was extremely optimistic and filled with hope, a potentially dangerous combination, but there was nothing I could do to stop it.

  Not that I’d tried.

  Knowing that Cal was working and we normally never spoke during regular business hours, I hesitated for only a second before calling him anyway.

  When he answered with an enthusiastic, “Hey!” I hid my surprise. I was convinced that the call would go straight to voice mail and I would have to leave him a message.

  “Hi! Sorry to call during work, but I’m just so excited to see you tomorrow, and that text got me all giddy!”

  “Me too. I can’t wait to hold you, babe
,” he all but cooed into the phone, and I wanted to melt into a puddle.

  I crooned in a low voice, “I can’t wait to be in your arms and have those lips on me. God, I miss those lips. I want them all over me.” I felt almost breathless with my admission.

  “Jules, you can’t.” He lowered his voice, and I struggled to hear him. “You can’t say those things to me while I’m at work. You’re turning me on.”

  I laughed. “Sorry. I’ll let you go. I just wanted to tell you that I can’t wait to see you. I’m so glad you’re coming out.”

  “Me too. I’ll see you tomorrow, but I’ll talk to you later.”

  “All right. ’Bye.”

  I ended the call and hopped up to get ready for work, still on a complete Cal high.

  That night, I ended up working late to show a couple a new property that had just been vacated and listed. When a house was empty, it was easier to schedule the showings because I didn’t have to ask the owners to leave the property, or work around anyone else. I made myself flexible, willing to show a house at eight p.m. if that was what a potential buyer needed me to do.

  When I finally climbed into my car to go home, it was almost midnight in Boston. I hesitated for a minute, debating whether I should call him or not, but said screw it. Of course, I woke him up. I had to laugh at how groggy his voice sounded, and was convinced that he wouldn’t remember our conversation in the morning.

  • • •

  Today!

  When I woke up to Cal’s text the next morning, I realized I was wrong. Apparently his mind was a steel trap.

  Dream Lips: Good morning, beautiful. TODAY! Sorry about last night. I was out of it. I can’t believe I get to see you later!

  It was a little easier getting through work that day, knowing that he would be in the air and unavailable for my call. I envisioned him on the plane, wondering if he was the type to make friends with the people sitting next to him, or if he kept to himself.

  I laughed as I imagined Cal chatting up some old lady as she knitted a scarf in the seat next to him, who would eventually decide that said scarf would look better on him than on her nephew. Cal would graciously accept it, of course, and wrap it around his neck with a smile. No one ever said I lacked imagination.