Gruesome Playground Injuries; Animals Out of Paper; Bengal Tiger at the Baghdad Zoo

by Rajiv Joseph

  KAYLEEN: So congratulations on almost being married.

  I mean, I heard about it.

  I heard about her.

  Elaine.

  Elaine.

  She sounds lovely. Poor girl.

  You probably made the right decision, though. I don’t think you’re gonna be ready to settle down till you stop climbing up on the roof, you know? I mean, I’m no model citizen, but I do know basic fucking things about personal safety you dumb piece of shit.

  Kayleen puts her lotion back in her bag. She gets up and walks over to Doug again.

  KAYLEEN: I mean, you’re not the first groom to get cold feet.

  Kayleen shakes her head and wanders around the room.

  KAYLEEN: I feel like an idiot here.

  I was pretty sure, I’d get here, say two words to you and you’d snap out of this shit. Because it’s me! It’s Kayleen, Dougie! I’m back!

  Last time I saw you you’d just blown out your stupid eye.

  It was this same hospital.

  She goes back to her chair.

  KAYLEEN: Twice in ten years. Not stellar for a couple of kids supposed to be best friends. Twice!

  Well, I guess this is three times.

  Does this count? Does it count if one of us might be brain-dead?

  Of course you’ve always been brain-dead, haven’t you, Dougie? Ha, ha, ha.

  Kayleen rubs her face.

  KAYLEEN: What else what else what else what else ... ?

  Kayleen gets up and looks at Doug. She slowly walks to him and touches his hand. She takes his hand in hers. This is the first time in this scene she’s really let herself look at him.

  She gingerly holds out her hands over him, as if she had the power to raise the dead but knows she looks ridiculous. She touches his chest and then lifts her hands up as if she might have just woken him. Nothing.

  KAYLEEN: I am retarded.

  She walks in a circle, and then comes back to him. She stares at him for a long moment.

  She holds his hand, rubs it. She goes to her bag, gets out the lotion, comes back to him.

  KAYLEEN: Your hand is all dry.

  She moisturizes his hand.

  KAYLEEN: You can’t marry that girl, Doug. You can’t. Because what about me? What about me, huh?

  When my dad died, when you ... when you came to the funeral home that night ...

  That stuff you said to me ...

  You’re always doing that, you know? The top ten best things anyone’s ever done for me have all been done by you.

  That’s pretty good, right?

  And I know. I know I know I know ...

  I’m so stupid. I’m always ...

  I’m just fucked up, you know that.

  And so I need you to stick it out, Dougie.

  I’m gonna need you to come looking for me again.

  I’m sorry. But you have to wake up now. You have to wake up for me. Because I’m not great, you know?

  I’m not great.

  And I really need you right now. I really need you to come over and show me some stupid shit again, tell me some stupid joke like you always do.

  I’m sorry I’ve been gone. I’m back now. You know? I’m back now. So wake up.

  Wake up now, buddy.

  Just, you know ... rise and shine.

  It’s Tuesday.

  That was always your favorite day.

  Lights shift. Music fills and Kayleen and Doug prepare for scene five.

  Scene 5. Eighteen: Pinkeye

  Ten years earlier. The kids are eighteen.

  Kayleen’s bedroom. Kayleen sits on her bed, knees to her chest. Doug enters. He’s beaten up pretty badly. He carries an enormous hockey duffel bag. He’s in pain. He drops the bag, collapses against her bed, and yells in pain.

  KAYLEEN: What are you doing?

  DOUG: Had to stop by.

  KAYLEEN: What happened?

  DOUG: Tom Zauler happened.

  KAYLEEN: What do you mean?

  DOUG: I got in a fight with him.

  KAYLEEN: (very concerned) You got in a fight with Tom Zauler?

  DOUG: Yeah. And then that stupid Girl Scout gave me pinkeye.

  He takes Girl Scout cookies out of his bag and throws them at Kayleen.

  DOUG: Here. I bought her stupid cookies.

  Girl Scouts. What a bunch of little bitches.

  KAYLEEN: These are Samoas.

  DOUG: Damn right.

  KAYLEEN: Where are the Thin Mints?

  DOUG: Fuck that.

  KAYLEEN: Fuck you.

  DOUG: What’s your problem?

  KAYLEEN: Go home. I’m sick. And you’re annoying. I wanted Thin Mints.

  DOUG: Shut up or I’ll give you pinkeye.

  KAYLEEN: Go away.

  Doug gets up, starts rubbing his eyes. And then walks to her like Frankenstein.

  DOUG: Give ... pinkeye ... mmmmmh ...

  KAYLEEN: Ew! Stop! Get away!

  Doug crawls all over her on the bed. Kayleen fights him off.

  KAYLEEN: Get off me, you pervert!

  DOUG: Pinkeye!

  KAYLEEN: (very serious) Get off!

  God!

  DOUG: What? What’s wrong with you?

  KAYLEEN: You’re a fucking pervert! Every guy in the world! You all act like you’re playing around, except you have to crawl all over me! You think I don’t know you have a total hard-on right now, you perv!

  DOUG: I do not!

  KAYLEEN: You do too!

  DOUG: I’m wearing a cup!

  Doug knocks on his crotch. It’s plastic.

  DOUG: It’s a protective cup, you paranoid little horn dog.

  KAYLEEN: Just leave me alone.

  DOUG: Fine.

  Doug sits down and opens cookies. He eats.

  DOUG: Ho bag.

  KAYLEEN: Shut up.

  DOUG: Enjoy the pinkeye. It’s like the most contagious thing in the entire world.

  KAYLEEN: I don’t care.

  DOUG: What’s wrong with you anyway.

  KAYLEEN: Nothing. I just am tired.

  What happened with Zauler.

  DOUG: First, I punched him in the face.

  KAYLEEN: Why?

  Doug shrugs.

  KAYLEEN: It’s Tom Zauler, Dougie. You don’t go punching Tom Zauler in the face. What do you have, a death wish?

  DOUG: He threw me down and kicked me and whaled all over me. But I didn’t care. I can take it. Fuckin pussy.

  KAYLEEN: Why did you pick a fight with him anyhow?

  DOUG: How come you weren’t at school? Are you sick again?

  KAYLEEN: I’m always sick.

  DOUG: You don’t look sick.

  KAYLEEN: I’m not. Not right this minute, anyhow.

  DOUG: But you sure look weird. And you’re all rude and everything.

  KAYLEEN: Probably cause I totally had sex today.

  Doug chokes on his cookie.

  DOUG: What?

  KAYLEEN: With Tim.

  DOUG: You had ...

  Today!? When? How? What are you talking about?

  KAYLEEN: He’s my boyfriend.

  DOUG: So? I know!

  KAYLEEN: So we have sex!

  DOUG: You mean . . . you’ve been having sex? How long?!

  KAYLEEN: Like two weeks. We did it two weeks ago.

  DOUG: How come you didn’t tell me?

  KAYLEEN: I’m telling you now!

  DOUG: Well what the fuck!?

  KAYLEEN: What?

  DOUG: I don’t want you having sex with Tim!

  KAYLEEN: He’s my boyfriend!

  DOUG: You’re too young!

  KAYLEEN: Just because you’ve never had sex.

  DOUG: I told you I did have sex.

  KAYLEEN: With your cousin.

  DOUG: We’re not cousins, we’re family friends!

  Shut up!

  I can’t believe you had sex with Tim. That guy is nasty.

  KAYLEEN: It’s not like we’ve been doing it nonstop anyway. We only had
sex twice.

  DOUG: Twice?

  KAYLEEN: Once two weeks ago. And then today.

  DOUG: Today? Here?! In this bed? Eww! I was just in this bed that you were screwing Tim Reilly in? That guy is skeeze central.

  KAYLEEN: Just forget about it then.

  DOUG: I can’t just forget about it!

  KAYLEEN: It wasn’t . . .

  DOUG: . . . What?

  KAYLEEN: Nothing.

  DOUG: What?

  KAYLEEN: Nothing. I just.

  It’s over anyway. I mean.

  I did it. Twice. I got that over with.

  DOUG: Sounds like it was really fun.

  KAYLEEN: It wasn’t, okay?

  It wasn’t fun.

  It was . . .

  It was just like, you know. Like you have to pretend you’re not even doing anything, like you’re just playing around, like you were with me, just now. Tim’s over here, and we have to pretend like we’re just being normal, you know, playing around, wrestling around and everything and then suddenly we’re not, suddenly he’s like . . . you know . . .

  DOUG: He’s like what?

  KAYLEEN: Nothing.

  DOUG: You didn’t want to?

  KAYLEEN: I mean . . . not at that exact moment . . .

  Doug stands up, stares at her.

  DOUG: Kayleen . . .

  KAYLEEN: Don’t get all crazy. You’re always so dramatic.

  DOUG: I’m going to fucking kill him.

  KAYLEEN: No you’re not.

  DOUG: I’m gonna kick him in his ugly skull, that dirty piece of shit.

  KAYLEEN: You’re not going to do that.

  DOUG: Why not?

  KAYLEEN: Because you can’t beat Tim up.

  Tim will beat you up.

  DOUG: (starting to lose it) I’m talking about you, Kayleen! I’m talking about you, and nobody can just come around and . . .

  I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna kill him.

  I’m gonna fucking kill him . . . I’m gonna kill him . . .

  KAYLEEN: Will you shut up please? Will you just sit here?

  DOUG: No I’m not going to sit down!

  KAYLEEN: He’s my boyfriend!

  DOUG: No he’s not! Not anymore! I hate him I hate him I hate him so much . . .

  Doug puts his face in his hands.

  KAYLEEN: Doug . . .

  Doug, come on.

  Are you crying?

  DOUG: (not removing his hands; crying) No.

  Kayleen grabs his shirt and pulls him to the bed where he sits, face still in hands.

  Kayleen hugs him.

  Doug wipes his eyes.

  DOUG: (quietly) I’m gonna kill him.

  KAYLEEN: No you’re not.

  DOUG: Why’s everyone got to be so mean? Zauler . . . Tim . . . they don’t . . . They’re all . . .

  Such . . .

  Why’s everyone got to be so mean?

  KAYLEEN: What.

  DOUG: Zauler called you a skank.

  (beat) You’re not a skank.

  You’re not.

  They sit for a moment. He looks at her and then at her hands. He strokes her leg in a tender way.

  DOUG: You got blood on your jeans.

  KAYLEEN: It’s not blood.

  DOUG: Yeah it is.

  Yeah it is.

  He looks at her.

  DOUG: When you start that again?

  KAYLEEN: I didn’t start anything.

  Doug looks at her. She looks away.

  KAYLEEN: I thought having sex would, you know. A “release.” Release from what?

  No release.

  I thought it might make me stop.

  DOUG: Does it hurt?

  KAYLEEN: A little.

  DOUG: What could make you stop?

  KAYLEEN: I don’t know. Nothing.

  Doug gets up and walks away from her. Kayleen watches him. She unbuttons her jeans and pulls them down. Her thighs have small cuts on them.

  KAYLEEN: Look.

  Doug looks at her legs. He goes to her. He kneels in front of her and lightly touches them.

  DOUG: You think I could give your legs pinkeye?

  KAYLEEN: Maybe.

  DOUG: Yeah. Maybe.

  Doug studies her legs.

  DOUG: What do you use?

  Kayleen takes a box cutter from underneath her pillow.

  DOUG: If it hurts, why do you do it?

  KAYLEEN: I don’t know.

  Doug touches her legs gently.

  They look at each other.

  KAYLEEN: Don’t tell me to stop.

  Doug stands up and unbuttons his pants. He pulls them down. He holds his thigh out to her.

  KAYLEEN: I’m not going to cut you.

  DOUG: I won’t tell you to stop if you do.

  KAYLEEN: Why.

  DOUG: Just do it. Just like how you do it.

  Kayleen puts the box cutter to his thigh, but doesn’t cut him.

  KAYLEEN: I can’t.

  DOUG: Do it.

  KAYLEEN: Dougie, why?

  DOUG: Just do it. I want to see what it’s like, okay?

  KAYLEEN: It’s different. I can’t do it to someone else.

  DOUG: I’m not someone else. I’m you.

  She looks at him. She puts the box cutter to his thigh. She cuts him. He breathes sharply, once.

  KAYLEEN: I’m sorry . . .

  He touches his cut.

  He kneels back down in front of her. He puts his hands on her thighs. She puts her hands on top of his hands.

  They look at each other.

  DOUG: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.

  KAYLEEN: I know.

  Lights shift. Music fills and Kayleen and Doug prepare for scene six.

  Scene 6. Thirty-three: A Blue Raspberry Dip

  Fifteen years later. The kids are thirty-three.

  A sterile lounge in a health facility.

  Kayleen sits in a chair, staring into space.

  Doug enters. He walks with a cane and a pronounced limp. He wears an eye patch.

  He sees her before she sees him.

  DOUG: Leenie.

  She doesn’t notice.

  DOUG: (louder) Kayleen.

  She turns to see him.

  KAYLEEN: I thought you were dead.

  DOUG: I wasn’t.

  KAYLEEN: You woke up.

  DOUG: Yeah.

  KAYLEEN: When?

  DOUG: Five years ago.

  KAYLEEN: Five years?

  DOUG: Yeah.

  KAYLEEN: You really woke up five years ago? Where have you been?

  DOUG: I don’t know.

  Beat.

  KAYLEEN: What’s with the cane?

  DOUG: Nothing.

  KAYLEEN: Come on, what happened?

  Doug shrugs.

  KAYLEEN: Did you ever marry that girl?

  DOUG: Elaine?

  KAYLEEN: Elaine.

  DOUG: You heard about that?

  KAYLEEN: Yeah.

  DOUG: No.

  KAYLEEN: I thought you were dead.

  DOUG: Did you visit me?

  KAYLEEN: They’ve got me on about twenty-five medications or something. Like a swirl of ice cream in me. You know how they dip the ice cream and it gets a hardened shell?

  DOUG: Like at the Frostee Freeze.

  KAYLEEN: I’m a blue raspberry dip.

  DOUG: Delicious.

  KAYLEEN: Yeah.

  (beat) This place isn’t too bad. Except for the food and you can’t smoke.

  (beat) I had a bad patch, Dougie.

  DOUG: What did you do?

  KAYLEEN: I hurt myself.

  DOUG: How.

  KAYLEEN: I don’t remember doing it.

  DOUG: Doing what?

  KAYLEEN: My stomach. You know, it always hurt. And my mom, and all that.

  And it got worse, and I just tried to take it out.

  DOUG: What do you mean.

  KAYLEEN: I was out of my head. I tried to cut my stomach out.

  Beat. Doug flinc
hes.

  DOUG: That sort of thing. It’s not healthy.

  KAYLEEN: It was okay. I’m not very good with a knife.

  DOUG: Kayleen . . .

  You visited me didn’t you? In the hospital?

  Because I swear to God I heard your voice out there.

  Or your presence or, what, your echo . . . I don’t know how, but I remember you, something about you . . . coming to me, and sinking into me, and giving me breath again.

  You came and healed me.

  KAYLEEN: What does it matter?

  DOUG: What do you mean what does it matter? You raised me from the dead!

  KAYLEEN: No, I did not!

  I’m not your guardian fucking angel, Doug, for God’s sake look at me, okay? I didn’t come and see you.

  DOUG: No. No no no, you can’t lie to me. I can see it all over your face, you were there. You were there.

  KAYLEEN: (with rage) I wasn’t fucking there!

  DOUG: (angry; slams cane) Well why not?

  KAYLEEN: Because why would I, Doug? What about when I needed somebody?! Where were you the last five years?

  DOUG: My life got away from me.

  KAYLEEN: Poor you.

  DOUG: Every angle of it.

  I probably have ten thousand excuses, but I . . .

  Kayleen, I’m sorry.

  Something happened to me and I had to find you.

  Look...

  Doug goes into his bag and takes out a small stone statue of an owl.

  DOUG: I brought you this.

  KAYLEEN: What is it?

  DOUG: You don’t remember?

  KAYLEEN: No.

  DOUG: You don’t remember this owl.

  KAYLEEN: No.

  DOUG: Yes you do.

  KAYLEEN: Am I supposed to?

  DOUG: Stop lying!

  KAYLEEN: I’m not!

  DOUG: You know this owl! We used to think it was an angel, back at school! It was a small statue on the roof of St. Margaret Mary’s.

  KAYLEEN: I don’t remember.

  DOUG: You’re full of shit!

  KAYLEEN: I don’t remember anything okay? I’m sorry! How’d you get it?

  DOUG: St. Margaret Mary’s blew up.

  KAYLEEN: What?

  DOUG: It exploded.

  KAYLEEN: Were there kids in it?