Gruesome Playground Injuries; Animals Out of Paper; Bengal Tiger at the Baghdad Zoo

by Rajiv Joseph

DOUG: No, you idiot. It closed down like ten years ago.

  It was used by the diocese for storage. There was a leaking gas main. Ka-Boom.

  KAYLEEN: So what, you went to pick through the rubble?

  DOUG: No, I work in insurance now.

  KAYLEEN: What.

  DOUG: I’m a claims adjuster.

  KAYLEEN: You’re such a loser.

  DOUG: I know.

  But I got to go and investigate the wreckage.

  I go over and the place is collapsed. So I hoist myself up there and I’m walking on the roof and then I stepped through a weak board or something and this upright nail went clear through my foot. It was about eight inches long.

  Then the board with the nail in it, that board snapped through another board and I broke my leg in three places.

  It took them five hours to get me out.

  And then I got an infection.

  And that’s why I have this cane now.

  But listen: I’m up there, you know? Stuck up there, waiting for them to come and get me.

  And there were these severed heads of a bunch of saints that had ended up all over the place, and they were just staring at me.

  And this owl was there too.

  And so I lean over and grab the little guy.

  I was in some serious pain, you know? And I just gripped him close to me, because . . .

  Because all of a sudden, I was like, Where the fuck is Kayleen?

  You know? All of a sudden, everything was clear . . . trapped up on that roof, impaled, surrounded by all the angels and saints . . .

  That’s my life, up there, Leenie. That’s my life without you.

  Beat.

  KAYLEEN: Does it hurt?

  DOUG: It’s stigmata!

  KAYLEEN: It’s not stigmata, it’s one foot. Stigmata is both feet and both hands. Let’s keep perspective.

  DOUG: It hurts a little.

  Long beat. Kayleen holds the owl and looks at him.

  KAYLEEN: Look at this poor guy. He’s all beat-up.

  DOUG: Spent his whole life up there on that roof. Looking down.

  Beat.

  KAYLEEN: Do you want to touch my scar?

  Doug doesn’t answer. They stare at each other for a moment. She gets up and goes to him.

  She pulls her shirt out so Doug can put his hand up her shirt. He does, and touches her stomach.

  DOUG: God, Leenie.

  KAYLEEN: That’s my scar, Dougie. It’s like a roller coaster across my stomach. You’re not the only retardo on the planet.

  She tenderly touches his head. He takes her face in his hands. His hand remains up her shirt.

  KAYLEEN: You didn’t even like him. You said he was a stupid-looking angel.

  DOUG: You do remember.

  KAYLEEN: Yes, goddamnit, I remember my goddamn angel.

  They sway together for a moment.

  DOUG: I wish I could do to you what you do to me.

  (beat) I wish you’d let me.

  (beat) Hey. Look at me.

  I’d been up on that roof before.

  KAYLEEN: I know.

  DOUG: The day we met.

  You cleaned the grit out of my hands.

  KAYLEEN: I know.

  DOUG: You think we could get out of here?

  You think we could just pry ourselves out of everything?

  Go somewhere else?

  KAYLEEN: Somewhere else.

  DOUG: Yeah. Anywhere.

  KAYLEEN: I can’t.

  DOUG: Not even right this minute. Sometime soon, I could come and get you and . . .

  KAYLEEN: I can’t.

  I can’t.

  Kayleen steps away from him. She stops looking at him. She sits back down, holding the owl.

  DOUG: Will you look me?

  Kayleen, look at me for one second.

  She doesn’t. He stares at her. She holds the owl, staring at it. A long beat. He realizes she won’t look at him.

  DOUG: Are you going to let me drift away here? Because I don’t want to, Leens. I’m worn out. I don’t have so much left in me anymore you know?

  I’m saying, don’t let me. Don’t let me drift away again.

  I might not make it back.

  Lights shift. Music fills and Kayleen and Doug prepare for scene seven.

  Scene 7. Twenty-three: Tooth and Nail

  Ten years earlier. The kids are twenty-three.

  Night, outside of a funeral home. Kayleen sits on the steps of the funeral home, smoking. She wears the same black dress from scene two, but she looks clean and sober.

  Doug enters. He’s wearing the black suit from scene two, but no blood, and he still has his left eye. He’s missing one of his front teeth.

  They look at each other.

  DOUG: (smiles) Hey again.

  KAYLEEN: What happened to your tooth?

  DOUG: Knocked it out. This morning. I was hammering in the shed.

  Hi Kayleen.

  KAYLEEN: Hey again.

  DOUG: I’m sorry.

  KAYLEEN: For what.

  DOUG: For your dad.

  KAYLEEN: You’re sorry for him.

  DOUG: About him.

  KAYLEEN: You missed the wake. Everyone went home. No one in there but a dead guy in a box.

  DOUG: I thought it went till nine.

  KAYLEEN: Eight-thirty.

  DOUG: It’s good to see you.

  KAYLEEN: Fuck off. Toothless piece of shit.

  They smile at each other. Doug goes to her for a hug.

  DOUG: It’s so good to see you.

  KAYLEEN: No, don’t hug me. I’m all hugged out. I’ve been hugging people all day. Everyone in here: I’m sorry for your loss. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  What loss?

  If I hug one more person I’m going to choke on my own spit.

  DOUG: It’s been forever, Leenie.

  KAYLEEN: I’ve been here. Where the fuck have you been?

  DOUG: College.

  KAYLEEN: College.

  DOUG: I came back in the summers and Christmas. I tried to find you. I tried to look you up, but I couldn’t find you.

  KAYLEEN: I was here.

  DOUG: Where? Not listed. Not at home.

  KAYLEEN: I work. I work and I sleep. What do you do?

  DOUG: Nothing. Not right now. Looking. I don’t know. Seems whenever I’m home I’m looking for you.

  KAYLEEN: You didn’t look hard enough.

  Doug shakes himself out, as if waking from a dream or a trance.

  DOUG: Jeez, Leenie, you’re here now! I found you!

  He sits next to her and hugs her. She’s annoyed.

  KAYLEEN: Would you stop? You’re a freak.

  DOUG: I missed you. I missed you, Leenie.

  KAYLEEN: Don’t call me that. Nobody calls me that.

  DOUG: I call you that.

  What are you smoking?

  KAYLEEN: Cigarettes.

  DOUG: Give me one.

  KAYLEEN: Since when do you smoke.

  DOUG: I don’t.

  She gives him one and they both light a cigarette and smoke.

  DOUG: So what’s been going on with you for the last four years?

  She moves away from him.

  KAYLEEN: No, let’s not do that. I don’t feel like recapping the last four years of my life.

  DOUG: Fine.

  Beat.

  KAYLEEN: I’m waiting tables.

  DOUG: Your dad told me you were waitressing.

  She looks at him, not expecting this.

  DOUG: I told you, I came looking for you.

  KAYLEEN: You talked to my dad?

  DOUG: I came by your place.

  KAYLEEN: When?

  DOUG: This was like a year ago. I stopped to see if you were there. I talked to your dad. He told me you were waitressing but he didn’t know where.

  KAYLEEN: You talked to my dad?

  DOUG: You think I enjoyed that? I hated being in the same room with that guy.

  May he rest in peace.


  Beat.

  KAYLEEN: He never told me you stopped by.

  DOUG: Big surprise there.

  KAYLEEN: He’s such an asshole.

  (beat) I’m alone now, Dougie.

  DOUG: You’re not alone.

  KAYLEEN: Yeah, I am. My mom died last year.

  DOUG: What? She died? When? How?

  KAYLEEN: I don’t know. Her stomach.

  DOUG: Jesus, Leenie, I’m sorry.

  KAYLEEN: Yeah, I know, you’re sorry for my loss . . . I hadn’t seen her in eleven years. Her ex-boyfriend called me to give me the news. You know what my dad said when I told him?

  DOUG: What?

  KAYLEEN: He started crying and told me she was a better woman than I’d ever be.

  This bitch who walked out on us.

  Beat.

  DOUG: You’re not alone, Leenie.

  KAYLEEN: Don’t call me that.

  DOUG: Leenie.

  KAYLEEN: Shut up.

  DOUG: Leenie Deenie.

  KAYLEEN: I’m going to burn you with my cigarette.

  He grins at her.

  KAYLEEN: You need to get a fake tooth, like, stat. You look inbred.

  (beat) Did it hurt?

  DOUG: It hurt like crazy.

  Beat.

  KAYLEEN: It’s good to see you, too.

  DOUG: I think I’m home now.

  KAYLEEN: What’s that mean?

  DOUG: It means I’m home. I’m back.

  KAYLEEN: Well, that’s good, I guess.

  DOUG: You know, whenever anything crazy happened in college, or I saw something amazing or beautiful or fucked up, I’d think, man, Leenie’d love this shit.

  Sometimes I’d just imagine you were there, you know, I’d imagine you were there and I’d start having a conversation with you. Just start talking to you.

  KAYLEEN: Yeah, there’s a word for that and it’s schizophrenia.

  DOUG: I just want to be friends again.

  KAYLEEN: You’re the one who left.

  DOUG: Are you okay?

  KAYLEEN: I’m fine.

  DOUG: Are you okay?

  KAYLEEN: I told you, I’m fine.

  DOUG: Come here.

  KAYLEEN: No.

  DOUG: Kayleen, come here.

  KAYLEEN: Fuck off.

  Doug walks to her. He takes her face in his hands. She tries to resist, but relents.

  DOUG: Look at me.

  KAYLEEN: What, Doug.

  They stare at each other. He kisses her. She lets him, but doesn’t kiss him back.

  DOUG: I love you.

  She pulls away from him.

  KAYLEEN: Your parents were here tonight.

  DOUG: I know.

  KAYLEEN: They sent flowers.

  Your mother said she was going to bring by a casserole.

  That’s what your mom is like.

  She’s the kind of woman who brings over a casserole.

  DOUG: They love you, too.

  KAYLEEN: This is so fucked up what you’re doing right now.

  DOUG: What are you talking about ... ?

  KAYLEEN: Kissing me. Coming back like this. Telling me you love me, your parents love me.

  Just leave me alone.

  DOUG: Leenie ...

  KAYLEEN: You’re so stupid. You always think everything is one way, but you don’t know anything.

  DOUG: What!? What don’t I know?

  KAYLEEN: You don’t know me, okay? You think I’m someone, some girl you dreamt up a million years ago.

  DOUG: Well, then, who are you?

  KAYLEEN: Nothing. Just shut up.

  DOUG: No, who are you? Since I don’t know anything, who are you?

  KAYLEEN: Shut up.

  Doug goes to her and tries to kiss her, but she steps away and doesn’t let him.

  KAYLEEN: Don’t.

  DOUG: Why not.

  She doesn’t answer. She lights a cigarette.

  DOUG: I’ve got some fireworks in my car.

  KAYLEEN: You’re retarded.

  DOUG: I do. I’ve got a mess of them in my trunk.

  Killer, too.

  The Japanese shit.

  KAYLEEN: We’re not going to light off fireworks.

  DOUG: Why not?

  KAYLEEN: I don’t know, Dougie. Maybe because we’re not fifteen anymore? Or because you’re retarded? Or because I have to wake up tomorrow for my father’s funeral?

  DOUG: We’ll go to the bridge down on Roanoke. Just like old times.

  KAYLEEN: I’m living with someone.

  DOUG: You’re living with someone ... what, like you have a roommate?

  KAYLEEN: I’m living with a guy. We’ve been together for a year.

  DOUG: Where is he? He’s not with you?

  KAYLEEN: He doesn’t like funerals.

  DOUG: He doesn’t like funerals? This isn’t a funeral. This is a wake.

  KAYLEEN: He said seeing a dead body would wig him out.

  (beat) Just shut up.

  DOUG: And you’re with this guy.

  KAYLEEN: Don’t judge him.

  He’s sensitive.

  DOUG: Fuck him.

  Fuck him fuck him fuck him.

  KAYLEEN: That’s nice.

  Doug paces. He starts to leave. He comes back.

  DOUG: You know what, Kayleen? Jesus Christ, you know, I came to your house last year and your dad was there, and I know he hates my guts, he always has, and he’s like She is where she is. I don’t know where the girl is.

  He said he didn’t care and didn’t care to know.

  And I was about to just leave, but I didn’t. I didn’t and I said to that son of a bitch ...

  (he turns to the funeral home and shouts at it)

  You remember, asshole? You dead piece of shit!? You remember what I said to you!?

  I said to him, you are fucking worthless.

  You have a daughter and she is a gift from God. She is the most perfect being to ever walk this earth and you don’t even know it. And she loves you because you’re her stupid father. But you’ve never loved her back, you’ve just damaged her and fucked her up, and never even bothered to notice she’s this angel.

  So fuck you, cocksucker.

  (beat) And then I told him I hoped he’d die alone.

  Which he did.

  So I feel a little guilty about that now.

  (beat) I can take care of you, Leenie.

  Beat. He approaches her. She hasn’t been looking at him, but she has been moved by his words. He reaches out and touches her face. She flinches, recoils from his touch, and steps away from him.

  KAYLEEN: I don’t need anyone to take care of me.

  Doug turns to leave.

  KAYLEEN: Where are you going.

  DOUG: I’m going to go light up my fireworks.

  He exits.

  KAYLEEN: Bye.

  She takes out a cigarette. Lights it. Looks out after him. Sits down.

  KAYLEEN: (more to herself) Don’t blow your face off.

  Lights shift. Music fills and Kayleen and Doug prepare for scene eight.

  Scene 8. Thirty-eight: Zamboni

  Fifteen years later.

  The kids are thirty-eight.

  An empty indoor ice rink. Kayleen is sitting on a bench looking out at the ice. She looks much different. She’s totally cleaned up. She’s dressed conservatively. She wears a long skirt, a sweater, a shawl around her. She’s cold.

  After a moment, Doug enters. He is in a wheelchair. He wears a coat and a knit cap, and, of course, an eye patch.

  They haven’t seen each other since he visited her in the hospital five years ago.

  They look at each other but don’t say anything. They both look out at the rink.

  DOUG: I did a good job with that ice.

  KAYLEEN: It looks like glass.

  DOUG: They rebuilt the Zam for me. I can drive it with my hands.

  (beat) Last cut of the day.

  It’s late.

  KAYLEEN: I didn’t know. About you. About the accide
nt.

  Doug doesn’t answer.

  KAYLEEN: After I got out ...

  I was too ...

  DOUG: I don’t remember anything.

  I remember things.

  But I don’t remember things.

  KAYLEEN: It’s cold.

  DOUG: Ice rink.

  (beat) I watch the kids play hockey.

  Oh, they fly around.

  They fly around the rink.

  (beat) I like it at night after the last cut.

  Look at the ice, Kayleen.

  KAYLEEN: Your mom told me I could find you here.

  She’s so nice to me.

  As if she doesn’t know anything.

  Or maybe as if she knows everything.

  You and your family, Dougie. Nicest people in the world.

  And you have to get tangled up in the spokes of my train wreck.

  DOUG: Trains don’t have spokes.

  Beat.

  KAYLEEN: Dougie ...

  Why do you do this?

  He doesn’t answer.

  KAYLEEN: Where’d you learn how to climb a telephone pole?

  DOUG: Easy to climb up. Not so easy to climb down. Especially in the pouring rain.

  KAYLEEN: Why did you climb it?

  DOUG: You were unlisted.

  KAYLEEN: You’re stupid.

  DOUG: Maybe.

  KAYLEEN: Not maybe.

  DOUG: Maybe if I could climb to the top of this telephone pole in the rain at night, like the mast of a ship lost at sea, maybe I’ll see the shine of you, bringing me home again.

  (beat) That’s the maybe.

  KAYLEEN: (quiet)

  That’s stupid.

  DOUG: But here you are.

  KAYLEEN: Yeah. Here I am.

  She looks at him; he looks at the ice. A long moment.

  KAYLEEN: I came here to lay my hands on you, Dougie.

  I’ve never believed it, but I have to do it ... because if you believe it, that must be enough.

  Doug doesn’t answer, doesn’t look at her.

  KAYLEEN: I came and saw you when you were in the coma.

  DOUG: You said you didn’t.

  KAYLEEN: I did. I came and saw you. I touched you. I felt like an idiot, but I did. And nothing happened, so I just felt it was stupid.