Inherited Light_A Small-Town, California Romance Filled with Dogs, Deception, and Finding True Love Despite Our Imperfections

by Katie Mettner

  She held it up. "This ointment has topical anesthetic in it. When I put it on the inflamed skin it takes away the burn," she explained as she rubbed it around the reddened area, but not directly on it. She tossed the glove and took out a round, cotton pad. "Cinn showed me these. She told me Foster bought her some the last time she had a problem with her feeding tube."

  "Yeah, she had a bad infection around the port site," I said pointedly. "After the doctor repaired the stoma he suggested she put tape over it so it didn’t get damaged when she directed the band. She hates the tape, so Foster found out about those and bought her some. Does Cinn know you have a catheter?”

  "No, she mentioned these one day when we were talking about cool gadgets they have for disabled people. I did a search online and found them immediately. Since they have the slit and the snap already built in, I bought some and hoped it would work the same for the suprapubic tube as they do for the feeding tube."

  She unsnapped it and slipped it around the tube then snapped it again. "Like a charm," she said.

  I pointed at it. “You said you got the infection at the hospital? Foster said maybe you got it when you changed the tube after your head injury and didn’t keep everything sterile. If you can get an infection so easily, could I give you an infection without knowing it?”

  She was confused and I swallowed, trying to think of the best way to say what I wanted to ask. “I mean, say if our bodies touched could something on my skin cause you to get an infection.”

  “Oh, I see what you mean,” she said, but she still seemed confused. “I would say no unless the skin around it was irritated or something, but I always keep one of these pads around it now. I notice the spot doesn’t get as irritated from my clothes either when I wear them. Foster is wrong though, I haven’t changed the tube since the trip to the ER, but the skin was already irritated. There must have been a small crack and it let whatever bacteria is causing this in. It’s possible I picked up the infection at the gallery, or even on the ramp. All it takes is a piece of dirt or small particle to inflame the tissue and you have the potential for infection.”

  I smiled and ran my hand up and down her back. “Makes sense. Thanks for explaining it to me.”

  She returned the smile. "You’re welcome, now I think I should go back to bed. The more I stretch out the faster it will heal. Being squished will keep it inflamed."

  I pushed her chair out of the room and shut the light off. After I helped her back into bed and settled her against the pillow, I handed her the remote to lower the head. She let it go down some, but stopped far enough up we could still talk. I sat in the chair again and took her hand. “I wish like hell you didn't have to go through this every day. The doctor told me you had transverse myelitis, but I don't know what it is or how you got it."

  She focused her gaze on our hands twined together. "Think of it as a cold your spine catches. Transverse myelitis is always caused by a virus, and no two cases are ever the same. Some people recover quickly and completely, and others never recover at all. There can be varying degrees in between those two extremes. When I got it at sixteen I didn't bounce back the way I should have, but we couldn't afford live-in rehab and they didn’t have the treatments they offer now for diseases like mine. I got as far with my independence as I could, and then found ways around the deficits to live my life."

  "But you don’t know if you would have recovered more even if you had been in rehab, right?” I asked.

  “Exactly. With the doctor’s advice, we decided to do what we could at home rather than go into debt chasing a recovery which might not happen.”

  “I can understand your decision there. It had to feel like a rock and a hard place situation. What else should I know about the effects of this disease? If you can’t empty your bladder…” I paused and she jumped in.

  "Can I empty my bowels?" she asked as though it were a common question. She didn’t give me time to respond before she plowed ahead. "The answer is yes, but not because I have the muscle coordination to do it. I have a bowel prep I use four times a week and it takes care of the situation. I’m fortunate I don't need a colostomy bag, but there's no guarantee at some point down the road I won't."

  I nodded. "Understood."

  “As long as we’re putting it all out there," she said, before she looked away, "I can also have sex, and enjoy it, as long as I’m positioned right and supported."

  I tipped her chin up to make eye contact. "I would never do anything to hurt you. You know that, right?"

  Her eyes locked with mine and hers showed me how much courage it took to tell me her secrets.

  "It's not about you hurting me, Ren. It's about how we can't sustain a relationship once the situation as it is penetrates the infatuation clouding your vision."

  I sighed, silently praying for patience. “Let me tell you what the situation is as I see it, Cat. There’s nothing clouding my vision but love, and even with the cloudiness, I can still see the path just fine. You forget I’ve lived with someone who’s had chronic health issues for years. Cinn even had a colostomy for a few years. Bet she didn’t tell you about that, did she?” I asked and she shook her head once. “Well she did, when she first came home from touring, but it’s not the point. The point is, I don’t have my head in the clouds about loving someone who has extra challenges. I think the real situation is not the infatuation clouding my vision, but the fear and negativity clouding yours.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “I think you do, but let me ask you something. Why did you agree to go out with me the first time if you weren’t interested in a relationship?”

  She shrugged and stared over my shoulder. “I wanted to reconnect with people from my past.”

  I used my finger to direct her chin toward me. “Please don’t look away from me. Your eyes are expressive and I love seeing them. Tell me, why did you agree to let me come to your home and fix your ramp, and then invite me to your gallery showing?”

  She huffed, but it sounded more like a resigned sigh. “Because I liked you. I enjoyed being with you. You made me feel alive. You made me feel like I’m a woman worth spending time with. You made me feel like I’m no different than any other woman.”

  “You’re not different from any other woman, Cat, don’t you see?” I asked, taking her hand down from her chest. “You’re every woman and you’re your own woman. You have challenges, but so what? Those challenges don’t equate your worth and they sure as hell won’t keep you from having a loving, stable relationship; unless you allow it to happen. I think you kept going out with me because you feel the same way I do,” I challenged her. “I think you love me too, and it scares the ever-loving hell out of you.”

  She threw her arms out to the side. “Fine, okay, I love you! Is that what you wanted to hear? Does it make you feel good to make me say it aloud? I’m six years older than you are, paralyzed, and completely wrong for you, but I love you. I love you enough to make sure you don’t get involved in a relationship where you’ll be responsible for more burdens than anyone should have to carry at your age, or ever. So, yeah, I guess it does scare the hell out of me, both that you might leave and that you might stay.”

  She crossed her arms over her chest and dropped her chin, her chest heaving from the exertion of emotion. Tears ran down her face, but they were silent even if they tore at my heart.

  I rubbed her arm. “Those were the most honest words anyone has ever said to me.”

  She shrugged her shoulder. “I’m not the right woman for you, Ren,” she said, swiping at the tears. “You love to play baseball which is something I can never do.”

  I laughed and she raised her head to growl at me. “Hey, I’m sorry, but that’s what you’re going with? I like baseball and you can’t play baseball? I don’t want you to play baseball. I would love it if you could come and watch me coach or play, though. You can sit in your chair by the bleachers and cheer while eating popcorn with the other wives
and girlfriends.”

  “You aren’t getting it, Ren,” she sighed.

  “Oh, I’m totally getting it, Cat. You’re trying to push me away, only you can’t come up with a reason other than you’re in a wheelchair and I’m not. It’s not worth throwing away the love of a lifetime because you can’t walk and I can.”

  “My, you’re rather sure of yourself if you’re now calling it the love of a lifetime,” she said using air quotes.

  I leaned back in my chair and grinned the cheesiest grin I could muster. “You’re forgetting I can feel what you’re feeling. You’re in turmoil, and it isn’t about us having a fling before we go our separate ways. Your turmoil is about knowing we’re meant to be, but letting your brain guide you instead of your heart.”

  She kept her chin held high and her jaw set as she stared me down. There were tears still gathered at the bottom of her lashes, but she didn’t stop searching my face while her mind spun through all the possibilities of what a tomorrow with me would give her. I witnessed her war, but more so I felt it, and it was brutal. I had to say something, but it had to be powerful and it had to be right. I wouldn’t get a second chance at it.

  I scooted onto the bed and picked up her hand. “I know you’ve been alone for a decade, Cat. I know you’ve lived a life pretending you didn’t need family or friends, but I think you’ve realized how unsustainable it is.”

  She nodded, and bit down on her lip to keep her chin from trembling, but the unshed tears fell anyway. “Yeah, I’ve always realized it, but fear is also stronger than trust, Ren.”

  I smiled and rubbed away a tear. “I know, believe me, I know. So many times, I’ve ignored what has to be said, because I’m afraid the person involved will no longer trust me, but truth is stronger than fear. Truth trumps fear because truth is measurable. When I say I’m going to pick you up at seven, and I do, you can trust I’m reliable. When I say I’m going to rebuild your ramp, and I do, you can trust I’m going to protect you and keep you safe, no matter what. When I say I love you, you can trust it’s the truth because I’m still sitting here. Even after helping you shower, watching you take care of your bathroom needs, and carrying you up the stairs every day to keep you safe where no one could hurt you, I’m still here. Life doesn’t have to be black or white. Life is always some shade of gray. It’s always some kind of muddled up mess we can only get through with the love of another person. I love you, and I can’t believe how many times I’m saying it, but I do. All the gray stuff pushing on us and trying to blur our edges, is what makes us who we are. It’s what builds our character, tests our strength, and teaches us no one emotion can control us.”

  She smiled through her tears and wiped one rather large teardrop away before it ran into her ear. “You’re awfully smart for someone your age.”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know about smart as much as I’m in touch with who I am at my core. I don’t have a choice. If I pretend to be someone I’m not then I can’t decipher my own feelings from those around me. I know you’re in turmoil, and you’re afraid of the future, but you don’t have to be. I’ll be here for every infection, every trip to the ER, every surgery, and every time you just need me to hold you, because it’s what two people who are in love do. We can’t predict how life will go, Cat. What if tomorrow I have a construction accident and lose my arm. Would you cut my meat for me and brush my hair?”

  She furrowed one brow down. “Of course I would.”

  I held out one hand. “Then if you’re willing to be my arm, why isn’t it okay for me to be your legs?”

  “Because it’s more than just my legs?” she asked and I smiled, before I leaned down and kissed her.

  It wasn’t a soft, simple kiss either. I let myself go and kissed her the way a man in love kisses a woman he wants to spend his whole life kissing. When I lifted my lips, I kept them close to hers, “Was that a statement or a question?”

  “I can’t remember,” she whispered. “Your kiss knocked everything from my mind but why I need you in my life.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  I had a decision to make, a few, actually. The first one had to be about where I wanted to live. A few nights ago, and exactly six nights after I told her I loved her, she asked me to move in with her. For all intents and purposes, I already had, at least temporarily. Since the investigation was still ongoing into Xavier's murder, I couldn't leave her alone.

  But there is a difference between letting my apartment lease go and moving in with her, and living there for a few weeks while still maintaining a separate household. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. If I decide not to live with her she might see my decision as my unwillingness to commit long term. If I give up my apartment and things don't work out, then I don't have any place to go.

  I tapped my finger on the piece of trim I held against the wall. Who am I kidding? It hasn’t even been three weeks since we reconnected. I know it isn't a normal amount of time to go from dating someone to living together. In my heart, I was ready to live with her, though. I was ready to live with her, and more. I nailed the trim to the wall with the nail gun. While I worked, I attempted to sort out why I was being indecisive about this. It made sense to move in with her. I wouldn't have to pay rent, just my share of utilities and taxes. It would give me a lot of time to work on the new ramp in the evenings, too. We’ve spent the past week doing all the things new couples do. Strolls through the park followed by ice cream cones in the dark. Laughter in the front yard while grilling dinner and then making out when the sun went down and no one was watching. I took her to the movies a few nights ago and we stole a few kisses there as well. I joked with her it was the one time having a wheelchair was an advantage. We could sit in the back hidden from the door by a wall and sneak kisses. She blushed, but immediately her lips found their way back to mine.

  Maybe what I'm feeling has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her. She was the one to mention it, but maybe it's more of a test than even I realize. I laid the nail gun down and picked up a long piece of trim, carrying it to the saw to cut. If I let my lease go, she knows I'm serious about being with her. If I live with her but keep the apartment, she sees it as uncertainty on my part. It was a 'damned if you do damned if you don't' kind of situation. It was a test to see my level of commitment and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. In just a few days this job would be over and while I had a few small jobs lined up for income, I would have to decide on starting the business or finding a crew to join. Not having the apartment would mean considerably less expenses and I could afford to get the trailer and other miscellaneous expenses covered quicker. I had a lead on a buyer for the BMW and they were coming by to look at it this weekend.

  I nailed the trim to the wall, the gun forceful in my hand.

  "Hey, you don't need to nail it into tomorrow, Lorenzo."

  I whipped around and Foster stood in front of me, a white lab coat on and Poopsie in his arms.

  I rolled back to sit on my butt and laid the gun down. “Did you need something?” I asked, wiping at the sweat running down my face.

  “No, not particularly, but I’m finishing up the last of the info for the carnival. I stopped in to see if it’s safe to put the grand opening information in the paper, too.” He looked around while he stroked Poopsie’s head. “I don’t think it will be a problem. You’re almost done.”

  I stood and brushed off my pants, giving Poopsie a scratch under the chin. “I’ll be done tomorrow, Foster. I have to finish a bit of trim work and the final clean up.”

  He moseyed around the space, checking the faucets and tubs along the wall. I didn’t follow him. The salon had plenty of room for multiple people to be using it at the same time, but I figured he didn’t need a tail to do whatever he had to do. I could feel his intentions even as he pretended everything was normal. He was here for a reason, and I suspected my sister put him up to it. I sat down on the chair near the door and leaned back with my hands behind my head to wait. When he reappeared, he sat
down on the toolbox across from me.

  “Have you heard from Noah lately?” he asked.

  I shook my head. “Nope, no word on any suspects, either. It feels like this could go on for months and they may never find the guy. I don’t know how to keep Cat safe and allow her to run her business.”

  Poopsie settled down on his lap and he straightened her collar. “I’m sure it feels like this is taking forever, but it hasn’t been but two weeks. I remember how agitated I got when trying to figure out why the dogs were getting sick. I think as humans we never have the right amount of patience for any situation, do you know what I mean?”

  I didn’t answer right away. Instead, I closed my eyes and read him from where I sat, without saying a word. When I settled my gaze on him again he still wore the same expression.

  “If Cinn wants to know what’s going on with Cat and me, she should come and ask me herself.”

  He hid a grin without taking his eyes from mine. “I told her it wouldn’t work, but you know Cinn.”

  “Yeah, I know Cinn,” I sighed, brushing a lock of hair behind my ear. “It’s usually the other way around. I’m usually the one worried about her.”

  He shrugged. “She’s feeling better since she started her medication again and the doctor is weaning her off the prednisone. While she’s still being careful, she can direct longer as she regulates to the medications. She’s not eating much, but her appetite will return as the medication heals her stomach. In the meantime, she can do half a tube feed without pain, which is a start. The therapist she’s been seeing has been a godsend. We can talk now without Cinn dissolving into tears.”