Chinglish

by David Hwang

  (Xi produces a magazine.)

  XI: Kàn zhè ge—yī bén yŏu quán wēi xìng de xué shù qī kān:

  Look at this—a respected Western academic journal:

  mă kè sī pŭ lăng kè yán jiū suŏ.

  The Max Planck Institute.

  QIAN (Struggling to keep up): Um, the Vice Minister is making a comparison—

  PETER (Amused despite himself): Tiān na—

  Oh heavens—

  XI: Tā men jué dìng zài qī kān fēng miàn yìn shàng jīng diăn de zhōng guó shī jù.

  They decide to put “classic Chinese poetry” on their cover.

  QIAN: Between the journal and the clothing—

  DANIEL (To Peter): What is she // saying?

  XI: Zuì hòu tā men xuăn shàng:

  Here’s what they come up with:

  PETER (To Daniel): One moment. (Looking at the magazine cover)

  Dài nĭ fā jué ré huŏ shào fù.

  “We will lead to you to young housewives with figures that will turn you on.”

  Bù kě sī yì!

  Unbelievable!

  DANIEL (To Qian): What’s that?

  PETER: Yín dàng dì jiào fēng qíng wàn zhŏng

  “These enchanting and coquettish spring chickens will be available in our darkened basement.”

  Tài kě xiào le!

  So funny!

  Gāo xīn nán rén huān yíng tàn făng.

  “Visit us now, all men of high incomes.”

  Zhuàng yáng chūn yào yuán yuán sòng shàng.

  “We can also supply to you the elixir of Viagra.”

  XI: Tā men kān dēng le shàng hăi yè zŏng huì de guăng gào cí!

  They pulled some ad off a girlie bar in Shanghai!

  QIAN (To Daniel):

  A magazine.

  DANIEL (To Qian): I know

  it’s—! // Why—?

  QIAN: I am attempting to explain!

  The Vice Minister is—oh, this is quite subtle—drawing a comparison between attempts to make translation both in Western and in China, also pointing out the absurdity of both cultures’ attempts to—

  DANIEL: Never mind—what are they talking about now?

  QIAN: Shanghai sex clubs!

  (Pause. All look to Qian.)

  To Xi and Cai:)

  Duì bu qĭ, wó zhĭ shì xiăng—

  Forgive me, I was just trying to—

  XI (To Qian): Bié fèi jìng le.

  Don’t even bother.

  (To Peter and Daniel:)

  Wŏ rèn wéi, wŏ men bù xū yào jí yú qĭng wài guó rén

  My point is, we must not be so quick to turn to foreigners

  lái jiě jué wŏ men guó jiā de wèn tí.

  to solve our nation’s problems.

  QIAN: Foreigners are not the answer to China’s problems.

  DANIEL: I think we’ve gotten off track here. If I in any way offended // the Minister and—

  PETER: Qĭng ràng wŏ men jiě shì yí xià gāng cái de wù huì.

  We want to correct any wrong impressions we have made.

  CAI: Hăo le,

  Please,

  zhè shì rang wŏ lái chú lĭ.

  allow me to settle this matter.

  QIAN: The Minister will now share his view.

  CAI: Wŏ de kàn fă shì—

  In my opinion—

  (His cell phone rings. He answers.)

  Wèi?

  Hello?

  Bù, lái wŏ men guì yáng ba, băo zhèng nĭ men huì gèng gāo xìng!

  No, your group will be much happier here in Guiyang!

  Wŏ men zhè ge chéng shì bú dà, zhí yŏu sì băi wàn rén kŏu!

  We are a small city, only four million!

  Ér wŏ men nà xiē shăo shù mín zú—dòng zú, miáo zú yā tā men—

  And our minorities—the Dong and the Miao—

  huì wéi nĭ men gāo xìng dì chàng gē, dào jiŭ.

  sing happy songs and pour wine down your throat.

  Hěn xī yĭn shì ba? Wŏ men zài tán ba.

  Sounds good, huh? We’ll talk.

  (He hangs up. To Daniel:)

  Jì xù ba.

  Go on.

  (He shoots a look at Qian.)

  QIAN: Continue.

  DANIEL: Me? Um, the Minister was about to tell us . . .

  CAI (Remembering where they were): Duì yú nĭ gāng cái de yán lùn, wŏ bìng méi yŏu shēng qì.

  I take no offense at your presentation.

  QIAN: He is not offended by your talk.

  CAI: Fù jú zhăng yŏu shí hòu huì yŏu yī dián găn qíng yòng shì.

  The Vice Minister can be very passionate.

  QIAN: Madame Xi is a woman—she is emotional.

  CAI: Zhè zhóng tăn shuài de měi guó fēng gé, wŏ xīn shăng.

  I appreciate the frank American style.

  QIAN: He enjoys your rudeness.

  DANIEL: Um, thank you, Minister. We only want to help.

  XI: Foreigner always saying to help.

  QIAN: That is what foreigners . . . always . . .

  (Qian doesn’t know whether or not to translate.)

  CAI: Xiàn zài, wŏ gēn fù jú zhăng yào cān jiā lìng yí gè huì yì.

  Now, the Vice Minister and I have another meeting to attend.

  QIAN: Now, they must continue to their next meeting.

  CAI: Wŏ huì zài gēn nĭ shāng liáng jì huà shū de xì jié.

  I want to discuss the details of your proposal.

  QIAN: They will discuss your proposal further.

  PETER: Kă fán nuò xiān sheng hái huì zài guì yáng duō liú jĭ ge xīng qī.

  Mr. Cavanaugh will remain in Guiyang for several more weeks.

  CAI: Yào bu wăn fàn zài tán?

  Perhaps over dinner?

  PETER (To Daniel): Dinner?

  DANIEL: Thank you. I would like that. A lot.

  QIAN (To Cai): Tā dā ying.

  He accepts.

  CAI (To Daniel): Xiè xie.

  Thank you.

  QIAN: Thank you.

  DANIEL (To Cai): No, thank you.

  QIAN: Xiè xie.

  Thank you.

  PETER (To Cai): Wŏ men gōng sī huì dă diàn huà gēn nín zài yuē shí jiān.

  My office will call you to arrange a time.

  CAI (To Peter): Nĭ gōng sī?

  Your office?

  PETER: Wŏ huì qīn zì gěi nín dă diàn huà.

  I’ll call you.

  (Daniel shakes Xi’s hand.)

  DANIEL (To Xi): I hope you’ll come to dinner, too, Vice Minister. Really.

  (Xi nods.)

  QIAN (To Daniel and Peter): I will show you to the way out.

  (Qian, Daniel and Peter exit.)

  CAI (To Xi): Wŏ jué dé tĭng shùn lì de, nĭ rèn wéi ne?

  I think that went well, don’t you?

  XI: Wŏ rèn wéi wŏ men gāi zhăo yí gè xīn de kŏu yì yuán.

  I think we should get a new translator.

  Scene 4

  A restaurant frequented by locals. Xi sits at a table, with Daniel and Peter standing.

  XI: talk.

  PETER: Dāng rán. Kă fán nuò xiān sheng hěn gāo xìng yŏu jī huì ké yĭ xiāo chú xiān qián de wù huì—

  Certainly. Mr. Cavanaugh welcomes the opportunity to clear up any misunder—

  XI: No. Um. Only you and I.

  PETER: Oh.

  DANIEL: Alone?

  XI: Hah? Yes. Alone. Only

  PETER: Nà wèi qián xiáo jiě ne?

  And Miss Qian?

  XI: Ō, qián xiáo jiě. Nĭ shì shuō—

  Oh, Miss Qian. You mean the—

  PETER: Nà wèi kŏu yì yuán.

  The translator.

  XI: Wŏ men bă tā sòng qù zài jiào yù le.

  We sent her away to reeducation camp.

  (Pause.)

  Kāi w
án xiào! Zhè shì gè wán xiào!

  Joke! It’s a joke!

  PETER: Wŏ míng bai. Fēi cháng yŏu qù.

  I knew that. Very funny.

  XI: So. Better, not? Have the translator the human?

  PETER: Yes, but let me understand this.

  Cài jú zhăng tā—

  Minister Cai—

  XI: Tā bù lái le.

  He’s not coming.

  PETER: Zhè yàng a.

  I see.

  (To Daniel:)

  The Minister is not coming tonight.

  XI: Apologize. But—

  (Pause.)

  Tā tū rán yŏu gōng wù yào chú lĭ.

  He is unexpectedly delayed.

  PETER: I see . . .

  XI: So. Well. There.

  (To Peter:)

  Nĭ xiàn zài ké yí zŏu le.

  Now, you are free to go.

  DANIEL (To Peter): It’s OK.

  PETER: It’s just that // —you see, we never—

  DANIEL: I think it’s a great idea. For the Vice Minister and I to talk on our own.

  (To Xi:)

  Just us two. Straighten this all out.

  PETER: Well, all right, then. I’ll // just leave . . .

  DANIEL: Go on, we’ll be fine!

  PETER: I’ll be next door. In the karaoke bar. On my mobile. If anything changes, if you need anything, anything at all, // you just—

  DANIEL: Go!

  PETER: Mobile.

  DANIEL: Cluck, cluck, cluck.

  XI (To Peter):

  DANIEL (To Xi): Mother hen. Cluck, cluck, cluck.

  XI (To Peter):

  PETER (To Xi): Ku, ku, ku.

  XI: Ah!

  (To Peter:)

  Mŭ jī!

  Mother hen!

  (To Daniel:)

  Ku, ku, ku.

  PETER: Cheers!

  (Peter exits. Silence, then:)

  DANIEL: Your English . . .

  XI: So.

  DANIEL: I didn’t realize, until the end of the meeting, that you . . .

  (Silence.)

  Speak. English.

  XI: Ah! I, um, live. Outside. China. For am, six year, ah, no, month. Six month. Outside. Therefore, ah. Study.

  DANIEL: You’ve lived abroad.

  XI: Study the English.

  DANIEL: In the States.

  (Pause.)

  XI: Hah?

  DANIEL: You lived? In the States?

  XI: In—? Ah, no, no.

  DANIEL: Because you seemed to know something about Cleveland.

  So—where . . .? Where did. You live?

  XI: Here. Guiyang.

  DANIEL: No, before. When you lived // abroad.

  XI: Ah! Sri Lanka.

  DANIEL: Sri Lanka.

  XI: Foreign-exchange student.

  DANIEL: Great. Well, I really appreciate this opportunity, Ms. Xi. To sit down, one on one. Clear up any misunderstanding that hangs over our—

  XI: Too fast speed.

  DANIEL: Sorry, // I didn’t—

  XI: Only two. So therefore. Talking not so much necessary.

  DANIEL: I couldn’t agree with you // more.

  XI: Also, very, um, sleepy.

  (Pause.)

  Sleepy? Sleeping? Sleeper?

  DANIEL: You’re sleepy.

  XI: You sleepy.

  DANIEL: I’m sleepy.

  XI: When so fast the words. Sleepy.

  DANIEL: Before talking business, we should order, don’t you think?

  (Picking up menu) Order. Food.

  XI: Dáo xiăng kàn kan.

  I’d like to see that.

  (Daniel peruses the menu. It’s in Chinese. He puts it down.)

  I order the past.

  DANIEL: You—already ordered?

  XI: Yes.

  DANIEL: Good! No need for me to . . . to . . .

  XI: huāng zhāng.

  panic.

  DANIEL (Attempting to imitate her): kuā zhāng.

  splat.

  (Xi looks away.)

  I’m trying!

  XI: Zhēn zāo gāo.

  That’s the sad part.

  DANIEL: Ms. Xi. Vice Minister. The fact that Minister Cai. Sent you. Instead of coming himself. I gotta say, I read something into that. Something. Not so good. But I believe we can get past that.

  (Pause.)

  Right?

  XI: Tīng bù dŏng.

  Didn’t catch a word.

  DANIEL: Wow. OK. Minister Cai—

  XI: Cai.

  DANIEL: Cai? He seems. Friendly. To my proposal.

  XI: “Proposal”?

  DANIEL: My deal. For my company. To make the English signs. For the // Cultural Center.

  XI: Ah yes.

  DANIEL: Deal.

  XI: Yes.

  DANIEL: Cai.

  XI: Yes.

  DANIEL: He likes.

  XI: No.

  DANIEL: Cai—does not like my deal.

  XI: Yes.

  (Pause.)

  Shì zhè yàng de.

  Here’s the thing.

  Nĭ yĭ wéi tā xĭ huān nĭ de jiàn yì,

  You think he likes your offer,

  qí shí nĭ nòng cuò le.

  but you’re wrong.

  Shì tā pài wŏ lái zhè lĭ de,

  Which is why he sent me to meet you here.

  Cái yŏu xiàn zài zhè qí guài de chăng miàn.

  Under these impossible conditions.

  DANIEL: OK, I have a very strong feeling what you said to me is really important. So. Please. Repeat. In English.

  XI: Such sleepy.

  (Pause.)

  You believing. Cai. Your deal has friendly. No. Cai disassemble.

  DANIEL: “Disassemble”?

  XI: Qí mă yīng yŭ tīng dé dŏng ba!

  At least keep up with the English!

  DANIEL: Dissembling. He’s lying?

  XI: Yes! Lie! But. Cannot tell to the Teacher.

  DANIEL: Who’s the Teacher?

  XI: Āi yā, zhēn yào mìng!

  Oh, for crying out loud!

  (Trying ever harder to make him understand:)

  English, the Teacher! Teacher Peter!

  DANIEL: Peter. My consultant?

  XI: Teacher Peter!

  DANIEL: He used to teach, I think. But now he is. A consultant.

  XI: Consultant, consultant. Everyone name. But nothing doing.

  DANIEL: He’s not a consultant?

  XI: Nothing. Now, what explanation, you cannot say.

  DANIEL: OK . . .

  XI: “Use at your own risk.”

  (Xi leans in, whispers to Daniel:)

  English-writing firm. Currently enter. Through the back door. Cai wife sister. Open door. So will not close.

  (Pause.)

  Now, you know.

  (Pause.)

  DANIEL: Could you repeat that?

  XI: “Repeat”?

  Jiù píng gāng cái zhè xiē huà, dōu gòu wŏ qiāng bì de le!

  For what I just told you, I could be shot!

  Nĭ hái yào wŏ zài shuō yī biàn?

  You want me to say that again?

  Jiù pà wàn yī yŏu rén méi tīng qīng shì ba?

  In case anyone else in the room missed it?

  DANIEL: I understand. That what you’re telling me is a huge—use at your own risk.

  XI: Yes! Use at your own risk!

  DANIEL: But I—

  XI: OK, OK . . . (Leans in again) English-writing firm . . .

  DANIEL: The company making the English signs . . .

  XI: In present . . .

  DANIEL: Um, presently?

  XI: Enter through the back door. Of Minister wife sister.

  (Silence.)

  Wŏ kuài bèi nĭ qì fēng le.

  I’m going to shoot myself.

  DANIEL: Give me a chance here. “Minister wife sister.” Cai�
��s sister-in-law?

  XI: Yes . . .

  DANIEL: Is presently hired—to make the signs?

  XI: Yes! Through the back door!

  DANIEL: That’s the part that keeps tripping me up. But—OK, then, why does Minister Cai—Why Cai pretend. Pretend? Why Cai pretend—He like my deal?

  XI: Ah. Good. Because. English Teacher.

  DANIEL: Peter . . .

  XI: Also open back door.

  DANIEL: We’re back to that.

  XI: For university Bath. Cai son.

  (Pause.)

  Zhè yĭ jīng hěn míng xiăn le!

  This is so obvious!

  DANIEL: What is “caisson”?

  XI: Son! Son! Like, ah, daughter, but // son!

  DANIEL: Oh! Cai’s son. Cai has a son!

  XI: Yes! In Bath!

  DANIEL: And English Teacher Peter . . . got Cai’s son . . . to some university for a bath?

  XI: Bath! Is City! In England!

  DANIEL: Oh, “Bath” is a city!

  XI: With university!

  DANIEL: Peter got Cai’s son into a university in England?

  XI: Yes! Through back door!

  DANIEL: Cai owes Peter a favor. But Cai cannot—give the contract to

  Peter’s client. He can’t open the—back door for Peter.

  XI: Yes.

  DANIEL: Because he has already . . . opened it.

  XI: For // his wife sister—

  DANIEL: His sister-in-law! I got it, I got it!

  XI: High-five!

  (They high-five.)

  DANIEL: That was exhausting.

  XI: I am sleeping with you.

  (Pause.)

  Sleepy? Sleeper?

  (Pause.)

  In talking? Such the manner?

  DANIEL: You mean, it’s tiring. To talk like this. // Tiring.

  XI: Yes. We sleep together.

  DANIEL: That’s not what you mean.

  (Pause.)

  Unless . . .