Chinglish

by David Hwang

  (Pause.)

  So. You tell me. Cai is. Against me. Because Peter goes. Through Cai’s back door.

  XI: No. Cai go through Peter back door.

  DANIEL: Right, right. So am I just—screwed?

  (Xi laughs.)

  XI: Lăo sè láng.

  Dirty old man.

  DANIEL: Oh, that? That you know? You know “screwed”?

  XI: All person know “screwed”!

  DANIEL: Am I screwed?

  XI: Wŏ bù zhī dào.

  I don’t know.

  Ní xiăng ma?

  Do you want to be?

  DANIEL: No, stop that. When you break into Chinese // I get completely—

  XI: You not screw. Cai send me see you. Telling you no deal. Go away!

  DANIEL: He sent you to tell me no deal.

  XI: But. I thinking. Good, your deal.

  DANIEL: So instead, you’re going to—help me?

  XI: Mmmm.

  DANIEL: Well, thank you. Thank you so // much.

  XI: But exclusive we.

  DANIEL: I understand. This is all secret.

  XI: Now. Mobile.

  DANIEL: Oh, call Peter!

  XI: English Teacher, yes! Telling, I saying you no. No deal.

  (Xi gets up to leave. Daniel begins dialing his cell. Then:)

  DANIEL: But—the food hasn’t arrived yet. Food?

  XI: Oh, I no order.

  DANIEL: But why? Why are you. Helping me? Why?

  (Pause.)

  XI: Use at your own risk.

  (She exits. Daniel watches her go. Then he dials his cell phone. Peter enters.)

  PETER: I saw her leaving. Don’t worry, she didn’t see me.

  DANIEL: I’m not worried. I think it went—fine.

  PETER: So what did she say?

  DANIEL: Well . . . it was a little hard to understand.

  PETER: What did you manage to grasp?

  DANIEL: Well, I think she was trying to tell me . . . Why don’t you tell me?

  PETER: Excuse // me?

  DANIEL: I mean, you’re the consultant.

  PETER: Right.

  DANIEL: You know the lay of the land here. Just // give it a—

  PETER: Well, my guess is, that she tried to convince you—surreptitiously—that the Minister had decided to reject your proposal.

  DANIEL: Wow.

  PETER: Am I . . . somewhere in the ballpark?

  DANIEL: I’m amazed. How did you—?

  PETER: It was quite clear in the room, now wasn’t it? That Cai was totally supportive of the idea. Whereas Ms. Xi—was dead set against it.

  DANIEL: That seemed pretty clear.

  PETER: Ms. Xi cannot openly oppose him, however. So she tells you that your proposal is rejected, and you go home. Suddenly, no one has to deal with the inconvenient American.

  DANIEL: Ms. Xi told me something.

  PETER: Ah.

  DANIEL: About your particular relationship with Cai.

  PETER: That Cai owes me a favor?

  DANIEL: Yeah.

  PETER: It’s true. I arranged for Jin—Cai’s son—to be admitted to the University of Bath. Where I taught for a while.

  DANIEL: You taught.

  PETER: Yes, when I was fresh out of // university . . .

  DANIEL: Before you became . . .

  PETER: A consultant, // yes.

  DANIEL: A China consultant.

  PETER: Did she tell you . . . anything else about me?

  DANIEL: Like what?

  PETER: Anything at all, I’m just // wondering—

  DANIEL: I, I’ve gotta say, I don’t understand, why you couldn’t have told me // about that.

  PETER: Yes, I // —You have every right to feel—

  DANIEL: All I’m saying, is that we gotta be honest with each other.

  PETER: Absolutely.

  DANIEL: As partners, if we’re not open, then // who—

  PETER: Then who can be? It’s—you’re—

  DANIEL: We may be dealing with the Chinese, but we can be Westerners, capiche?

  PETER: Absolutely. Capiche. But, listen, here’s the thing I can’t understand. Why is Ms. Xi risking so much—going behind the back of her superior—to block the awarding of a single contract to a foreign firm?

  DANIEL: That is a good // question.

  PETER: I wonder about her husband.

  DANIEL: Her—she’s married?

  PETER: Yes. Her husband is a Judge.

  DANIEL: Of course // she’s married.

  PETER: Of the Second—or Third—Intermediate Court. These sorts of things, once you get to the bottom, often involve some sort of family connections. For all we know, he could be on the payroll of another firm bidding against us for the contract.

  DANIEL: That’s good.

  PETER: Yes, it’s something like that, I’ll wager.

  DANIEL: Do some research on her husband, // that’s good.

  PETER: The first thing I’ll do is report all this to Minister Cai. This was a truly foolhardy move on her part. How could she have failed to realize that you’d report everything she said back to me?

  DANIEL: Maybe she thought I was gonna get so discouraged, I’d just give up. That I’d decide it was all too hard, since I don’t have a clue what’s really going on here. And that my consultant couldn’t actually do a thing for me, because, despite whoever’s back door he ripped open at his Old Boy’s Club, it hadn’t given him any real power. That he couldn’t get the job done, couldn’t close the deal. Maybe that’s what she figured I’d think.

  PETER: If so, well . . . well she’s wrong.

  (Pause.)

  She’s only Cai’s underling. I promise you, this deal is going to happen.

  DANIEL: Good. Because I don’t mind telling you, this Guanxi is pretty damned confusing.

  Scene 5

  Xi and Cai, in Cai’s office.

  CAI: Bĭ dé lăo shī yī zhí zài géi wó dă diàn huà.

  Teacher Peter keeps calling me.

  XI: Wŏ bù zăo shuō guò huì zhè yàng ma?

  Didn’t I tell you this would happen?

  CAI: Duì měi guó rén jiù shì yào tài dù qiáng yìng.

  You have to be forceful with the American.

  XI: Wó yŏu yā.

  I was.

  CAI: Nà tā zěn me hái zài guì yáng?

  Then why is he still in Guiyang?

  XI: Dà gài shì bĭ dé lăo shī gēn tā shuō—

  Teacher Peter is probably telling him—

  CAI: Bĭ dé lăo shī, bĭ dé lăo shī!

  Teacher Peter, Teacher Peter!

  Tā bù gāi lăo tīng bī dé lăo shī de huà.

  He should know better than to listen to Teacher Peter.

  XI: Tā yĭ wéi bĭ dé lăo shī shì yī gè qĭ yè gù wèn.

  He thinks Teacher Peter is a business consultant.

  CAI: Ná yŏu rén zhè me bèn?

  How can anyone be so stupid?

  XI: Shéi jiào nĭ dā yìng gěi tā bāng máng.

  You’re the one who promised Peter a favor.

  CAI: Wó yĭ wéi tā yŏu hé lĭ de yāo qiú!

  I thought he would ask for something reasonable!

  Xiàng zài xué xiào lí gěi tā jiàn xīn de bàn gōng shì!

  Like a new office for his school!

  XI: Nà nĭ zì jĭ gēn bĭ dé shuō.

  So tell Peter yourself.

  CAI: Nĭ qù ba,

  You do it,

  ní bí wŏ qiáng yìng ma!

  you’re tougher than I am!

  Wó lăo pó tā jiě bú duàn géi wó dă diàn huà.

  My sister-in-law keeps calling.

  Wŏ men shén me shí hòu kāi shĭ wéi wén huà zhōng xīn zuò zhĭ shì pái yā?

  “When can I start making the signs for the Cultural Center?”

  Yào gěi gōng rén fā gōng zī de!

  “I have employees to pay!”

  XI: Wŏ
zhī dào.

  I know.

  CAI: Tā zhěng tiān xiàng wó lăo pó gào zhuàng.

  She spends all day complaining to my wife.

  Găo dào wŏ huí jiā lăo pó jiù yī zhí láo dāo, mán yuàn wŏ bù zhōng yòng.

  So when I get home, she nags me about how I am a bad provider.

  Tā, bá wŏ dà bàn gè yuè de gōng zī ná qù shàng hái măi LV de nǚ rén hái hăo yì si shuō wŏ.

  This, from a woman who spends more than half my monthly salary at Louis Vuitton in Shanghai.

  XI: Jú zhăng, zhè xiē wŏ bù xū yào zhī dào ba?

  Minister, this is more than I need to hear.

  CAI: Bié lăo shì nà me yán sù,

  Don’t be so uptight.

  Nĭ lăo gōng dà gài yě bù róng yì xiāng chŭ.

  Your husband can’t be easy to live with, either.

  Shéi dōu zhī dào zhè dì fāng de gàn bù, jiù shù tā yě xīn zuì dà

  Everyone knows he’s the most ambitious politician in the province.

  XI: Nĭ duì wó lăo gōng yī wú suŏ zhī!

  You know nothing about my husband!

  Tā rén hěn zhèng zhí—duì wŏ, duì ér zi dōu hěn hăo.

  He behaves with such integrity—to me, and our son.

  CAI: Hăo ba. Bú gào sù wŏ jiù suàn le.

  Fine. You don’t have to tell me.

  Bú guò wŏ quàn ní zhăo gè shén me rén shuō shuo.

  But you should talk to someone.

  XI: Nín bì xū qīn zì jù jué bĭ dé!

  You need to say no to Peter yourself!

  CAI: Wó yŏu gèng zhòng yào de shì qíng yào chú lĭ!

  I have bigger problems to deal with!

  Shěng wěi shū ji jīn tiān géi wó dă diàn huà,

  The Party Secretary called today,

  wèn wó dă suàn rú hé xī yĭn gèng duō yóu kè!

  asking how I plan to attract more tourists!

  XI: Nà jiù găo xiē jì huà ràng shū jì gāo xìng gāo xìng.

  So make the Secretary happy.

  Ān pái nà xiē zhōng guó zá jì tuán lái biáo yăn yī xià.

  Schedule a performance by the Chinese Acrobats.

  CAI: Bù! Wŏ zuì tăo yàn zhōng guó zá jì.

  Never! I loathe the Chinese Acrobats.

  Yī gè rén liàn jĭ shí nián zhĭ shì wèi le yào zài bí zi shàng dĭng zhù yī bá yĭ zi.

  A man spends decades learning to balance a chair on his nose.

  Wŏ zhēn xiăng gào sù tā,

  I want to say to him,

  gē mén, nĭ zhè bèi zi bái huó le!

  “Buddy, you just wasted your whole life!”

  XI: Jú zhăng, zuò rén yào yŭ shí bìng jìn.

  Minister, you have to change with the times.

  CAI: Nà yě bù děng yú shén me dōu yào xiàng qián kàn ba?

  Does that mean everything now has to make money?

  Yŏu shí hòu wŏ hái zhēn huái niàn bù duì shí dài de shēng huó.

  Sometimes I miss my old army days.

  XI: Shì ma? Nán dào nĭ huái niàn wén huà dà gé mìng?

  Oh, really? You miss the Cultural Revolution?

  CAI: Zhì shăo nà ge nián dài, bĭ jiào dān chún.

  At least, times were simpler then.

  Nĭ qù jiě jué bĭ dé lăo shī de wèn tí,

  You take care of Teacher Peter.

  Nà shì nĭ de gōng zuò.

  That’s your job.

  XI: Nà hăo ba, lĭng dăo tóng zhì.

  As you wish, Comrade.

  (Xi exits.)

  Scene 6

  The lobby restaurant of Daniel’s hotel. He is sitting at the bar with Xi.

  XI: Important. I again telling you go. Yet, again, you stay.

  DANIEL: I—should stay?

  XI: Yes. Until Minister Cai, himself, saying, “No deal!”

  DANIEL: Then no deal?

  XI: No. Then deal! Hooray!

  DANIEL: I don’t think I’m quite // following this . . .

  XI: You not telling to the Teacher, correct?

  DANIEL: Peter. That you’re helping me? No.

  XI: Good. I not tell nobody, I here now. Not Cai, not husband.

  DANIEL: Your husband. Yes, I heard you were—What does your husband do?

  XI: He is perfect.

  DANIEL: Oh, that’s great, but // what I meant—

  XI: Qí shí tā hén tăo yàn.

  Actually, he can be a real jerk.

  DANIEL: Excuse me?

  XI: Zì wŏ zhōng xīn.

  Self-centered.

  Hěn má fan.

  A pain in the ass.

  DANIEL: You’re—I—can’t understand.

  XI: I know!

  (Pause.)

  Yŏu yì si.

  This is interesting.

  DANIEL: I meant. What does he do? For work? Your husband—his job?

  XI: Ah. He is Judge.

  DANIEL: Strange to be a Judge—

  XI: Yes, // strange.

  DANIEL:—in a country with no real judicial system.

  XI: Tā zěn qù shěn pàn bié rén ne?

  How can he judge others?

  Zài jiā lĭ, tā jiăn zhí shì méi tóu méi năo de.

  At home, he’s totally clueless.

  DANIEL: OK, what are you trying to tell me?

  XI: Hah?

  DANIEL: You speak. Chinese. And it’s important. I can see that. In your face. So—what do you want to say?

  (Pause.)

  XI: My husband—sometimes . . . not so perfect.

  DANIEL: See? That wasn’t so hard, was it? My wife—if I started to tell you! . . . My wife and I: Really. Not perfect.

  XI: My husband, only thinking himself, so therefore, no understanding.

  DANIEL: And he doesn’t know you’re here?

  XI: He not ask.

  DANIEL: The two of you don’t—talk so much? No talking?

  XI: Is better, agree? Husband and wife, not so much, talk?

  DANIEL: Wow. Back home, that isn’t really a // philosophy—

  XI: Making the long marriage. You, your wife—talk?

  DANIEL: Do we—? Well, since I’ve been here in China. With the time difference. Day is night, night is day.

  XI: Yes. Husband, wife. Day, night. We agree.

  DANIEL: I guess. And you’re OK with that? You want that?

  XI (Laughs, then): Shéi huì zài hu ne?

  Nobody ever asks.

  (She rises to leave.)

  So. You wait. For Cai say, no deal.

  DANIEL: Then, hooray?

  XI: Full marks!

  (She starts to go, then:)

  DANIEL: Ms. Xi. Why are you helping me?

  (Pause.)

  Why are you going behind your boss’s back? Your husband’s back, if I understand this correctly? For—what? A foreigner, some guy you just met? Are perfectly translated signs so important to you, that you would risk so much?

  (Pause.)

  Got that off my chest. Don’t expect you to understand.

  XI: Why? Because you—are good.

  DANIEL: I’m good? You—you don’t even know me.

  XI: Kě xìn.

  Credible.

  Kě kào.

  Trustworthy.

  (Pause.)

  Honest. Good man.

  (Pause.)

  DANIEL: Wow. You can’t possibly—you have no idea—how long it’s been since someone said that to—thought // —showed that kind of—

  XI: Your face.

  DANIEL: My . . . face?

  XI: Good face.

  (Pause. They look into each other’s eyes.)

  DANIEL: You’re doing all this because—my face is—?

  XI: Jiù xiàng nĭ rén shēng zŏng shì yī fán fēng shùn,

  Like your life has been easy.

  Suó yí nĭ néng băo chí chún zhēn.

  And you still have you
r innocence.

  Honest.

  (Pause.)

  DANIEL: Well, I . . . I am. Honest. I’m not saying I’m—But maybe, over here, where there’s so much—secrecy. At least I’m sincere. I try. To tell the truth.

  XI: Truth, yes.

  Dàn yuàn wŏ de rén shēng yŏu gèng duō.

  I wish I had more of that in my life.

  (Pause.)

  I like.

  DANIEL: I come here—all the way across and—and I feel so—lost.

  Then you appear. And tell me . . . I’m good.

  (Pause.)

  Your face. Is—so beautiful.

  XI: My—? No. Nose, too—

  DANIEL: Oh c’mon, look at you, you’re perfect.

  XI: Perfect?

  Zhēn de?

  Really?

  DANIEL: And not just on the outside, but, I think—your heart . . .

  XI: My—heart?

  DANIEL: On the inside—too.

  XI: Nĭ kàn zhe wŏ de yăn shén, jiù xiàng . . .

  The way you look at me . . .

  (Daniel leans in, kisses her, then immediately pulls back.)

  DANIEL: I’m sorry, I—that was really out of—forgive me, I—

  (She slaps him.)

  Yes, I deserve—

  XI: Number.

  DANIEL: You’re absolutely—I // am so—

  XI: Room. Number. (Loudly) Asshole!

  (She starts to leave.)

  DANIEL: Um, 803.

  XI: Stay. Then go.

  (Loudly) Cào ní zŭ zōng shí bā dài!

  Fuck your ancestors to the eighteenth generation!

  (She exits. A Waitress stares at Daniel.)

  DANIEL: Check?

  (Crossfade to a tight spot on Xi’s face.)

  XI: Nǐ hái zhēn xíng.

  You are a good fuck.