First Loves: A Collection of Three YA Novels

by Jolene Perry

  I pull in a deep breath. The hallways are clearing. I’m sure we’ll both end up tardy. Whatever.

  “I know. Thanks for the shoes.” I kick off my platforms and slide on her flip-flops, grateful that despite our dramatic difference in height my feet are small enough to fit into her sandals.

  “I need them back during last period. And, we so need a girls’ night.” She gives me a half-hug before she jogs off to class, the buckles dangling as she goes.

  Maybe we do need a girls’ night. Maybe I do. Some time away from any and all guys would probably be good.

  ~ 10 ~

  After the way Luke looked at me when Mom noticed my bruised wrist, I’ve avoided him. There’s no avoiding him now. Laura, the college-age coach, sits on the stage with Luke and I. At least we’re not completely alone.

  “Tell me about Romeo,” she asks him. Luke laughs. “He’s a cocky bastard.”

  “Good.” She’s smiling.

  “He’s cocky, but he knows how to love. He sticks by his boys, he can get the girls, and now suddenly, a girl’s gotten him, too. For real this time.”

  “Nice, okay.” Her eyes turn to me. “Tell me about Juliet.”

  I’m not sure how to answer. I’ve focused so much on the language and the blocking and the memorization, I haven’t thought about it as much as I should have. This is one of those opportunities to sound cool and insightful, but I’m sure I’ll muck it up. “Juliet’s spoiled and is over-protected. Her parents have picked some guy for her that she doesn’t like. I think she’s as attracted to Romeo for his independent spirit as much as anything else.”

  “Tell me more.”

  More? Think, think . . . “I think she’s confused, maybe a little scared and unsure as she begins to learn about what her family does. With the death of her family members things change, and she opens herself up to Romeo because she knows he’ll get it.”

  “Right.” Laura nods. “Because he gets her in a way no one else does.”

  I nod, and then Luke and I look at each other for a moment, but I force my eyes to the floor before he asks a question or before I feel something I shouldn’t.

  “Let’s get started.” He stands and heads to stage right where he enters the party, and Romeo and Juliet first meet.

  Laura steps next to me as Luke walks away. Her voice is low. “Your teacher said that you’re doing great, and that sometimes he’ll see you right on the edge of falling completely into the role and then you hold back.”

  My cheeks start to get hot. I have done that. I pull back because I’m afraid of feeling something I shouldn’t. “This is my first play and—”

  “Next time you find yourself on the edge of real feeling and then pulling back, don’t. Let yourself fall.” Her green eyes stare into mine.

  I nod. Let myself fall. Let myself feel.

  “And you rock those shoes.” She smiles and points at my wedge sandals.

  I blush; suddenly glad Mindy and I had to change back.

  Luke pretends to roll through his lines with his buddies and I stand pretending to hear the music and watch him. Suddenly I can hear the music, sort of, even though it’s not on. Its just part of this scene. I watch Luke/Romeo move, his movements are familiar but new.

  He’s Romeo here, not Luke. I’m Juliet, not Ronnie. Feeling is okay. This is acting. This is what it’s supposed to be.

  My breath catches when his eyes meet mine and this is the point when I look away or I pull back. Today I don’t. I hold his eyes. I soak in his eyes. The black curtains don’t matter. The stage doesn’t matter. Laura doesn’t matter. He moves closer and I move closer because I can’t help it. Because Ronnie/Juliet is just as drawn in as she should be.

  His cocky smile is so full of wonder, and his warm voice and warm eyes touch me in really good places as I let his look and his words fill me. “If I profane with my unworthiest hand this holy shrine, the gentle fine is this: my lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.”

  His fingers brush the skin near my lips. This is new. Shivers run through me and I swallow a lump of nervous anticipation, because at some point I’ll need the ability to speak.

  He leans in and I back away, just like we’ve practiced, but I don’t want to back away and that makes all the difference. I’ve let myself fall. “Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, which mannerly devotion shows in this; for saints have hands that pilgrims’ hands do touch, and palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss.”

  He smiles his crooked Luke/Romeo smile and melts my heart. Makes my knees weak. “Have not saints lips? And holy palmers too?”

  And there’s no doubt in my mind they picked the perfect guy to play Romeo.

  Now it’s my turn to smile at him. This is where I get to tease, better. “Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.”

  He leans towards me again, making my heart flutter and my hands press harder to his, clasping our fingers together. “O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do; they pray, grant though, lest faith turn to despair.”

  Every part of me is in this moment. In his eyes, the heat of the lights on the stage and nothing else touches us. Not here. “Saints do not move, though grant for prayers’ sake.”

  “Then move not while my prayer’s effect I take.” He kisses me. I can’t remember if he’s supposed to here or not, but I take it. “Thus from my lips, by yours, my sin is purged.” We kiss again, and I wish I could throw my arms around him and pull us together.

  “Then have my lips the sin that they have took.” The line flows from my mouth without thought.

  “Sin from thy lips?” More Luke/Romeo smirk.

  “O trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again.” We kiss again and stand silent until I remember my line.

  “You kiss by the book.” I keep our faces close and wonder how well my voice projects.

  Laura taps my shoulder, stepping into the role of Nurse. “Madam, your mother craves a word with you.”

  Both me and Luke/Romeo jump. Moment broken. I suck in a breath and try to shake off the feeling of falling hard and fast. My eyes focus on Laura, not Luke. Way safer.

  “Awesome.” Her smile is wide. “Let’s do it one more time and then we’ll move on to the balcony scene, okay?”

  I turn away from her, from Luke, weak with the emotional intensity of him, of me, of my role…of everything. I pull in a deep breath, and prepare to fall again.

  After another run-through of the party scene and three run-throughs of the balcony scene, I’m exhausted. Luke’s eyes hold something incredible, and either he’s a good actor, or has feelings I don’t want to think or know about. One thing I do know is that his kiss is addictive.

  Well, he’s been doing this for a while. He’s a good actor. This is good because having Luke as anything more than my friend, won’t work.

  Laura thanks us and takes off. I stand on the edge of the stage. I’m suddenly unsure of where my eyes should be, or my hands, or myself.

  “I need to get my pack and then I’ll walk you home.” Luke jogs backstage and emerges a moment later with his bag. I watch him walk toward me in a way I probably shouldn’t. In a way that makes my insides tingly.

  I wonder how long it’ll take for my part in the play to wear off, because I’m still feeling unsettling, nervous jitters around him, and he’s Luke. My friend. Not Romeo.

  “Was that totally weird for you?” He stops, facing me.

  “I don’t know.” Yes and no. His question is almost impossible to answer.

  “Thanks for doing this with me, Ronnie. It was weird with Liesl but fun with you.”

  “Okay, good.” And because I don’t know what else to do I put my arms around him in a hug.

  The theater is quiet and still. His arms hold me easily, and even with my platforms on, my head rests on the top of his shoulder. And then our hug feels different. More like Romeo, not Luke. He feels so good. My body is screaming for me to never pull away, but I know I have to.
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br />   When I step back our eyes lock, and if it were someone else, in a different circumstance, we’d kiss. It’s all here. But it’s me and it’s Luke, and I already have my forever. But I feel it, a new kind of pull to my good friend, and I have no idea what to do about it.

  “Ready?” I ask. My voice sounds surprisingly normal.

  “Yep.” He clears his throat and we start up the steps out of the theater. My heart’s hammering in my chest and my hands feel suddenly sweaty, but we’re okay. We did it, and I’m going home to Shawn.

  Which is good. And Luke either forgot about my wrist, or is letting it go. Either way, I’m relieved.

  ~ ~ ~

  “How was your intense day of acting today?” Mindy’s voice is full of suggestion, even over the phone.

  “Fine, I guess.” I swirl my legs around in the cool water of the pool.

  “You don’t sound fine,” she urges.

  This is Mindy. I’ve already kept too much from her. “He’s so intense, Luke is. He’s like a pro at this, and then we walked home but I didn’t know how close to stand, or what to say. It’s like that feeling we have on stage doesn’t want to go away when I leave.”

  “Wow.” The word comes out like a wistful sigh of yet another girl who would love to fill my shoes in the moments I kiss Luke.

  “But I know we’re doing good onstage together.” No one would second-guess the way we look, talk and act. Not after today. Not even Shawn. Maybe not even me. And that starts to gnaw at my insides.

  “I think he likes you.”

  My stomach drops. That would really complicate things. It would just lead to him being hurt because I’m not going anywhere that leads me away from Shawn. He already knows this. She has to be wrong.

  “Ronnie? You still there?” she asks.

  “Why… why would you say that?” Luke can’t like me. It would pull him from my comfortable place.

  “Just the way he looks at you.” I’m sure she’s shrugging, her round little lips on her tanned face pulling into a frown.

  “It’s Romeo bleeding over.” That’s all. That’s all it can be. He’s…he’s just Luke.

  “We’ll see…” she sings out, and then we’re saying goodbye and I’m convincing myself that she’s crazy.

  I need to get myself together. Shawn and I are sharing dinner at his work. It’s the only time we’ll have to get together for a day or two and I need to make the most of it. For both of us.

  ~ ~ ~

  Luke and I walk in comfortable silence on our way home after rehearsal.

  “Good day today.” He wraps his arm over my shoulder and squeezes my upper arm.

  “Ow.” I jerk away and then realize I should not have reacted. I went to Shawn’s work last night to share dinner on his break and things between us were tense. I’m not sure what I did wrong, but his frustration and the grabbing of my shoulders was followed immediately by us having one of our best nights in a long time. After the initial anger, we sat and laughed and…

  “What’s wrong?” Luke asks.

  Our eyes meet and I can’t answer. Part of me thinks he knows and part of me thinks he’s just guessing. He wouldn’t understand. He doesn’t know Shawn like I do.

  “Nothing, my arm’s just sore.” I shake my head but can’t keep walking—like my legs just forgot how to move.

  His brows pull together as he takes my hand and turns it over. “Oh, come on.” But his voice breaks, and for a moment part of me thinks that Luke might cry. Where did that come from?

  “I’m headed home.” Now that my legs are working again.

  “Ronnie.” He jumps ahead of me on the sidewalk forcing me to stop.

  “What?” I widen my eyes. Looking exasperated is better than looking afraid because Luke sees deeper into me than I realized. He sees it all.

  “I’m worried about you.” He steps toward me, taking my breath away.

  Must get rid of tension.

  I chuckle. “What are you talking about?”

  “You know what I’m talking about.” He holds up my arm. “Is this from him? And your wrist, too?”

  The bruise is faint, barely noticeable, but it’s still there. “No.” I push around him and keep walking.

  “No.” He jumps in front of me again. “I don’t believe you.” His voice breaks again.

  “Sorry.” I push around him again and keep walking. The noise of my heart is like thunder in my ears, blocking out all coherent thoughts, but not Luke’s voice.

  “Ronnie, why would you stay with someone who did this to you?” he pleads.

  I need Luke to keep this quiet. “He’s my soul mate, Luke. I don’t know how else to explain it. Since we were kids. He’s it for me. This angry side of him isn’t him, not really. There’s way more to him than that.” Did I just admit to what I think I did? I’m half freed/half chained more tightly. Someone knows, but he’s not someone who will understand.

  “I feel like I just got kicked in the gut.” He starts to reach out for me but I push his hand away. “I want to hug you, hold you, protect you, something.”

  I laugh. It’s nervous and full of all sorts of things that aren’t laughter, but it comes out all the same. “It was just this once. He was trying to help me into his car. I know how to deal with him.” I shrug and shuffle my feet on the sidewalk. Maybe if I pretend it’s no big deal, it won’t be a big deal.

  “So this is something you know how to deal with?” Why does his voice have to make this all sound so dramatic?

  My heart sinks low. He now knows it wasn’t a one-time thing; although, again, part of me feels like he just sees it all. “Can we please forget this conversation ever happened?”

  “No.” He shakes his head.

  “Just let me work it out, okay?” I’m ready to beg. To plead. Anything for him to let this go.

  Luke rests his hands softly on my shoulders. “Ronnie, you’re a million times better than this. I don’t care what he has going on in his life right now.”

  “No, Luke.” My head shakes. “Please, you two are friends, he needs friends. He needs us. It’s…” It’s too much for me to deal with but I love him, and it’s like—if I can help him through this, then I need to.

  “You have to promise me you’ll walk away if it ever happens again.” Our faces are close. There’s no way to avoid his troubled gaze, the worry creased in the wrinkles of his forehead, and the tautness of his mouth. “And you need to tell someone.”

  “No. Please, Luke, don’t tell anyone. It’s not him; it’s not the way he is, its just…stress, that’s all. Please.” I don’t even realize we’re touching, but I’m grasping his bicep, hoping my words sink in. It’s Shawn’s Dad’s fault, but I can’t tell him that.

  His eyes close briefly and a small frown pulls at the corners of his mouth. “You have to promise me.” He inches closer.

  “I promise.” I know as soon as the words leave my lips that it’s probably a lie, but it comes out all the same.

  His shoulders relax. “Call me if you ever need anything. Ever. Okay? I don’t like this. At all.”

  “Thank you, Romeo.” I widen my eyes, trying to tease.

  “I’m serious, Ronnie.” His face is tight. “This isn’t funny. Right now I want to go kick his ass and talk to your dad.”

  Panic. Can’t breathe.

  “Please, no! No one else would understand.”

  “I don’t understand, Ronnie.” He leans forward until I can feel his warmth, his breath. “And you shouldn’t either.”

  My hands drop to my sides. “Okay.” I wish I could try and joke about it with him, but I know he won’t let me. His serious face makes it all more real. He puts his arms around me and holds me on the sidewalk until I lean into him. How is it possible that I’m gaining comfort from him knowing this crazy thing that’s happening? His arms loosen and I reluctantly start to walk next to him, part of me wishing we were still standing together.

  I keep my eyes on the ground, unwilling to see whatever Luke’s eyes might hold.
I don’t need any more confusion, and I’m certain that’s all looking at him will get me right now. We walk the rest of our three blocks in silence and stop at the end of my driveway.

  “Night, Ronnie.” He doesn’t ask, just pulls me into another hug; the kind where I know he won’t let me go until I’m holding him the way he’s holding me. It’s dangerous to hold Luke like this, all wrapped up in his warmth. He’d be way too easy to fall for.

  ~ ~ ~

  LUKE

  I go home and shoot baskets in the small court in the backyard for over an hour.

  Half my body is amped up from the hug, and the other half is a raging hulk-like psycho over Shawn.

  But how the hell do I even bring this up to him when I know I’m not supposed to know. I also know that Ronnie’s not ready to walk away from him. I also know that if I tell anyone, it’s going to make Ronnie’s life harder.

  “Dammit!” I throw the ball as hard as I can into the pool creating a splash that wasn’t nearly as satisfying as I wanted it to be.

  “Problems?” Mom asks as she steps onto the back porch.

  “I think I’m falling for a friend who is in a weird kind of trouble that I can’t help with, and I also feel like I might want to kill my other friend.”

  “As long as we’re not talking literally, kill, I’m sort of following. A little.” She slips her thin fingers through her neatly straightened hair.

  I push my sweaty hair off my forehead. “I can’t do anything right now, and it’s killing me. Killing me.”

  Mom folds her arms and gives me her best sympathetic frown. “Sometimes all you can do is keep being a good friend. It’s hard to watch the people around us make mistakes—especially when we love them, but maybe that’s exactly what you need to do. Unless we’re talking life or death danger here. Or drugs. You’re smart. You’ll know when you should tell someone.”

  I love that Mom doesn't ask for specifics. She knows I’ll give them to her when I’m ready.

  She slips back into the house and I flop onto a lounge chair staring at my stupid basketball floating in the pool.