First Loves: A Collection of Three YA Novels

by Jolene Perry

  How can I fix this shitty, shitty situation?

  ~ 11 ~

  My head rests against the window in the back of Dad’s car. At the last minute he rented the house we sometimes use in the summer and declared that our whole family, dopey big brother Ben and all, would head to the beach for Thanksgiving weekend. No one else.

  With how tense Shawn has been, and with the way Mindy thinks Luke is looking at me, I need the separation.

  That Angel song from the nineties version of Romeo and Juliet plays over and over on my iPod. My eyes close and I’m wearing wings, wandering through the crowd looking for Romeo. He finally makes his appearance through the fish tank—as Luke. But I’m allowed to feel all floaty about Luke when I’m thinking about being Juliet. It’s okay.

  I feel Ben’s hands push on my feet, which rest on the seat between us. “Watch your space.” He smirks. His freckly face and red hair match mine. No mistaking us as anything but siblings.

  I stick out my tongue, mostly cause it’s what he expects from me, and push my feet against his thigh. The song starts at the beginning again and I close my eyes. Once again I’m Juliet, wings floating behind me, smiling across the room, heart beating hard, something in me knowing that my life is about to change because of the guy in front of me.

  And then I think about Romeo, seeing a girl who he’s ready to do anything for, and not being deterred. Juliet barely pauses when she learns the truth. “My only love sprung from my only hate.” Why does their story have to be so tragic? A smile pulls at my lips. Because it’s a tragedy, stupid.

  An ear bud flies out and my eyes snap open. I scowl at Ben who now has it in his ear. His brow wrinkles up.

  “Research,” I snap and jerk my ear bud back. Maybe I should listen to something else.

  ~ ~ ~

  When we were twelve, Mindy made this huge blanket and pillow creation for a sleepover. We dubbed it blanketopia, and put it in our notebook. I’ve just completed my own masterpiece in front of the TV despite my extremely full stomach from our Thanksgiving feast.

  “Hey, Rhonda!” Only Ben calls me this. And only because he knows it annoys me.

  I don’t answer.

  “Your boyfriend’s here!” he yells down the stairs.

  What? Shawn’s not supposed to be here. I pull my tank down so it touches the top of my pj pants and head upstairs. There has to be some mistake.

  I step onto the back porch to see Luke in the driver’s seat of Shawn’s mother’s car. Luke. And Shawn. Why is this happening? I’m not sure what to do.

  When our eyes meet, Shawn jumps out of the passenger side. “Surprise babe!” He raises his hands high in the air and stumbles once before catching himself.

  Has he been drinking? Dread seeps into my stomach, and it shouldn’t. I should be thrilled, but it’s just not…it’s just not what I needed this weekend.

  I glance at Luke who shrugs as he gets out. “I’m stuck with my dad for the holiday. His house is just a mile south of here, and Shawn called, so…”

  “So…you ended up here.” I smile and Shawn comes at me from the side, pressing his face to mine. The smell of beer or whiskey or something hits my nose, and his soft stubble rubs my cheek—definitely drinking.

  “There’s a party just up the beach. Put on some cut-offs and join us.” His lips press into my face, and then down my neck as he speaks. “You don’t even have to put on your bra if you don’t want,” he whispers.

  Disappointment hits me in a wave, and I still manage to plaster on a smile. But why tonight? And why is he drinking?

  Sucks. My dinner is like a rock in my stomach, and blanketopia will have to wait until later.

  ~ ~ ~

  I’m in a tank, a bra, and short shorts. I cut off another two inches from the bottom before leaving. They barely feel like shorts, they’re so small, but I know it’ll appease Shawn, and with how tense things have been, I feel like I have some ground to make up.

  Both Dad’s and Shawn’s eyebrows rise as I step upstairs from the basement, but for very different reasons.

  “Don’t worry, Dad.” Ben rests his broad arm over my shoulders. “I’ll keep her out of trouble.”

  “Right.” Dad lets out a sigh.

  I try not to make eye contact with anyone. Not with Dad’s worried face, or Luke’s apologetic one, or Shawn’s…well, no one would mistake how he’s looking at me, and my dad is probably right to be nervous.

  Shawn’s arm is around my back as we walk up the beach; his hand is in my front pocket and he’s caressing my hipbone, pressing his hand to the bottom of my pocket, as close as he can get to between my legs. Seriously, we’re walking with friends and my brother.

  Everyone at the party looks to be about college age, and Ben, despite his promises to my dad, disappears immediately. I’m trying to figure out where all these people came from and why they aren’t lounging around the TV with their family for the holiday.

  Shawn begins to rock our bodies to the ear-splitting music, but he’s harsh and it all feels forced. I relax my arms around his neck and try to move with him—anything for us to keep the peace tonight.

  My eyes catch Luke’s over Shawn’s shoulder just before a blonde bounces up to him and hands him a beer with a smile. It’s weird to see him smile at her. There’s a pang in my chest, even though I shouldn’t care.

  “Come on, Ronnie.” Shawn’s practically grinding us together and I’m just not into it. I ate a huge dinner and was about to rest in my blanketopia.

  “Sorry, this is not at all what I had planned,” I yell in his ear.

  “But it’s better, right?” he asks.

  “Yep.” Only not better. Every part of me begs to go home. To warmth, comfort, aloneness.

  Luke’s now dancing with the blonde, his beer in hand. She’s gazing into his eyes with a smile that means she’d probably do anything he asked. A knot forms in my stomach, as I wonder if she’ll be the new girlfriend.

  Kind of sucks, because just like he said at the beginning of the year, he wants more than that. But a worse thought hits my gut. Maybe she’ll give him more, and again, I wonder why on earth I suddenly care. OR, I need to find a way not to care.

  ~ ~ ~

  LUKE

  After my chat with Mom the other night, I’ve tried to stay in contact with Shawn more. Maybe if I can figure out what’s up with him, I can help.

  He can’t be taking shit out on Ronnie.

  The blond tugs me closer, and I take another swig of beer. This isn’t what I want.

  Shawn’s dragging his mouth up and down Ronnie’s neck. Grabbing her chest, her ass…

  She’s still sort of smiling, I think. It’s hard to tell in the dim light. Even if she’s not, she’s not pushing him away.

  “You with me?” the girl asks.

  I pause and watch the fire flicker in her eyes. I can’t make myself want to be here. “Not really, no.”

  She pushes me away and walks off.

  Guess it was kind of a jerk thing to say. I consider following her but take a seat near the fire instead. The last thing I need is more complication in my life.

  The music and people blend together. A couple girls sit next to me, but I’m pretty crappy to be next to right now. None of them stick around for long.

  I’m just about ready to get soaked and go for a swim just for something to do when I hear Ronnie’s voice. “Ready to head back?” she asks.

  I stand up and brush off. “Ready.”

  Anything different.

  Though now that we’re walking back up the beach together, Shawn’s hands all over Ronnie, I’m wondering why I ever agreed to this.

  He’s like an ape with her, and I’m not even sure how to call him a friend knowing what I know.

  He came all the way up here. Wasted. Dragged Ronnie to a party that I know she had no interest in. And is now grabbing at her like… It’s just gross.

  When we get back to the house Ronnie’s parents always rent, Shawn and Ben are falling over each other laug
hing in front of Shawn’s car.

  I don’t get it.

  Ronnie’s shivering in her tiny shorts, her hair halfway down her back and looking beautiful.

  “Shawn asked to stay overnight here with you,” I say quietly. “I’m thinking with the amount of alcohol he drank, I should just take him to my dad’s house to sleep it off?”

  Please say yes. Please say you don’t want this guy crashing with you tonight.

  She glances toward the two boys. “Yeah. Thanks.”

  And then she stares down at her feet, like she has anything to feel bad about.

  “He’s headed home tomorrow,” I say.

  Her gaze snaps to me. “He’s my boyfriend, Luke. I want him here.”

  She might as well have just stabbed me. I’m such an ass. “Sorry.”

  “You two look all buddy-buddy over there.” Shawn’s eyes narrow, and I tense.

  “Buddy-buddy?” I try to laugh to get him to chill out. “How old are you? Let’s get out of here.”

  “Nah, nah…” Shawn gestures, making him stumble as he comes toward us. “I’m stayin’ here with my girl.”

  “Your girl is my sister.” Ben stands up taller and then laughs so hard that he’s wiping tears.

  Shawn is stumbling toward Ronnie who has already taken two steps backward begging the question of why are they together?

  “Well, I got you guys home. I’m going to finish out the night.” Ben waves once over his shoulder, and starts toward the path back to the beach.

  “Did you not want me here?” Shawn asks Ronnie in a low voice.

  She takes another step back. I’m just standing here like a third-wheel idiot. At the same time, I’m not ready to leave. There’s something in Shawn’s stance that doesn’t feel right.

  “No, of course I do, I…” Ronnie’s stumbles and stammers before leaning in toward him. I strain to hear.

  “What’s going on with you?” she whispers.

  “What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” His face pulls into a deeper scowl.

  She rests her hand on his chest, and I’m still tensed and ready to… I’m not even sure what, but Shawn still doesn't look like himself. “You just don’t seem like yourself, and…”

  “If you want to see more of me, then don’t run away from me, babe.” He grabs her hips, and now is when I would leave except Ronnie’s eyes are wide in an almost panic.

  “I’m not running,” she stammers again. “I…”

  “What the hell would you call it?”

  Ronnie whimpers and jerks away from him but he holds her fast.

  I don’t think just leap forward and grab one of Shawn’s arms, breaking his hold on Ronnie and spinning him around to face me. He’s drunk enough that I could probably take him in a fight. It doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want to be fighting with my friend.

  We all three stand there, exchanging stares. My fists tighten, but Ronnie looks more worried about me hitting Shawn that him hitting her. The only thing I can do at this point is to diffuse. I grin too wide and slap Shawn on the shoulder. Maybe he’s drunk enough that he’ll be confused and think we were all just screwing around.

  Ronnie slumps and leans against her parents’ car.

  “Let’s get out of here, Shawn. We can head back down or back to my dad’s place. We got Ronnie home for curfew, but that’s no reason for us to call it a night.”

  Shawn looks back and forth between me and Ronnie a few times. As much as I do not want to go back to that beach party, I’ll do anything to save Ronnie from this situation.

  “Climb in.” I open the driver’s side door and step half in the car, hoping he’ll come along because I’m so sure about going.

  Shawn smashes his lips against Ronnie’s face. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take.

  RONNIE

  Shawn likes to drink, but he’s not usually like this. I wonder if he’ll remember anything tomorrow.

  I give a small wave as they pull out and almost fall on the front porch steps.

  Shawn’s been back in Cali for almost a year. Has he just hidden this part of him? Is he changing? Will he change back? Has his dad always been an angry man? I don’t remember that at all. Or are things between them getting worse? Maybe I’m just making too much out of a few small incidents.

  He shoulders a lot of responsibility at his dad’s shop—does his anger stem from that, or something else? All I remember from him is sweetness, even from the months before school started up. None of this makes sense.

  I love Shawn. I need for him to be the guy I fell in love with. I’m not sure what life would be like without him, and I don’t want to find out.

  ~ ~ ~

  I have a text from Shawn in the morning.

  SHAWN: Sorry. I was out of it last night. Barely remember what happened. Have to get home this morning from work. You know black Friday and all that. Dad’s been on a rampage. Sorry again. Love you.

  I send him an I love you back and roll over in bed, just hoping to get the kind of rest I need while we’re here and away from home.

  “Ronnie?” Dad knocks on my door.

  “Come on in.” I don’t move.

  “I know you hate it when I make small talk to get to my point.” He’s quiet, but his voice is all business.

  My chest sinks. This means he’s worried about something and wants to start asking personal questions.

  I roll over to face him. “What is it, Dad?” I want to keep the irritation from my voice, but this weekend has so far not at all been what I needed it to be, and Dad asking personal questions isn’t going to help anything.

  “Shawn was in rare form last night.” His hands shuffle in his khaki pockets a few times. “Is something going on with him?”

  “No. I don’t know.” The words come out slowly. Again. Sucks to have an over-observant shrink for a dad.

  “You don’t have to answer me.” Silence hangs for a moment. “I’ve already talked to your mother, but we both know she’s colossally unobservant.”

  I smile. “Dad!” I’m sort of surprised he brings up something we both know, but have never said out loud.

  “It’s just that I know Shawn was drinking last night. I can no longer stop your brother, him being legal and out of the house and all, but it’s not just that.” Dad’s lips push together like they always do when he’s really thinking. “It’s you. You seem, distant. And maybe it’s just normal girl teenage stuff, but I want to make sure everything’s okay.”

  “Everything’s great, Dad, just a lot going on. I’m probably keeping myself too busy.” Please let this work.

  “Well, then I’m glad you’re staying behind today.” He lets out a long sigh. “I wish I had the option.”

  Poor Dad has gotten dragged behind Mom for shopping every weekend after Thanksgiving for as long as I can remember. “Sorry.”

  “Your brother is joining us, so enjoy the alone time, okay?” He grabs my foot under the covers and gives it a squeeze.

  “Thanks.” And now I’m suddenly glad my dad’s a shrink because he’s observant enough to know I need time. Why does everything have to have two sides like this?

  “See you.” He stands up and walks out.

  I’m going to have to do better at not looking distracted, frustrated and busy. Dad’s not one to let things go.

  ~ ~ ~

  I shuffle my way up the stairs to the kitchen. The clock reads just after noon. Wow. A shadow passes the kitchen door and someone’s knock makes me jump. My heart speeds. Who on earth would be here?

  I slowly open the door to see familiar shaggy hair. “Luke?”

  “Hey.” His smile is easy and his hands rest in his front pockets. Ferris Bueller t-shirt today.

  “Come on in. I’m about to make breakfast.” I open the door wider.

  “Breakfast?” His brows go up. “It’s like, noon.”

  “You’ve never had breakfast at noon?” I tease.

  “Point made.” He grins.

  “Everyone left
early. I needed an alone day,” I explain. Something to make me feel like I’m getting my head back on straight.

  “Oh.” His brows come together. “I’ll take off. I was just bored. Mom and Dad fought over me for Thanksgiving. He won, but he’s meeting some people for golf today.”

  “Sucks,” I say.

  “Pretty much, yeah,” he agrees.

  I know that Luke’s maybe part of my confusion, and why I need space, but he’s also the easiest person to be lazy with. And today, that’s exactly what I need. “I’m glad you’re here. Saves me from my circling thoughts.” I back up and step into the kitchen.

  Luke follows, shutting the door behind him. “And what are your thoughts circling around?”

  “Worried about Shawn. He hasn’t been himself.” I slide a bagel into the toaster and lean against the counter, still not sure if I want to see what’s in Luke’s eyes for a conversation like this.

  “I’m sort of worried about him, and you, and…” His voice has this solemn tone I’m just not in the mood for, and his warm hand rests on my arm.

  “Stop.” I jerk my arm back, and hold my hand between us. “The reason I’m letting you stay is so I don’t have to think about it.” But I have to drop my serious face or he’ll keep at it. Instead I smile, like I’m just teasing and we’re both just fine.

  “Last night. Is that how he is with you?” Luke’s doing this kicked puppy dog, tilty-face thing.

  “No. I haven’t seen him drink like that in a long time.” I shift my weight. “Can we be done with this?”

  “I know his dad’s business isn’t doing as well as he needs it to, but Shawn’s dad being angry doesn’t make it okay for Shawn to hurt you.” Luke’s eyes are so intent, full of concern.

  I take a hard swallow before finding my voice. “Now are you done?”

  “Done.” He lets out what’s probably a frustrated sigh. “But, Ronnie? I’m not going to let it go.”

  Perfect. “Luke, I need you to be my comfortable place, and—”

  “And you really want me to drop it.” His arm reaches out like he’s going to hug me or hold me, but it drops back to his side.

  “Thanks.” I really shouldn’t be wishing he’d take me in his arms. If I knew I could curl up on him, have him comfort me, and not bring it up again, I’d do it. But he will bring it up again.