Break Me

by Amanda Heath

  I open the door with my hand but I don’t step out just yet. “You can’t tell anyone that. Pierce and Annabella don’t know yet. We were all supposed to go to Alabama together.” He nods slowly, almost as if he knew he spooked me. “I don’t have any after school programs this year. I know swim team has practices, so text me when you want to start tutoring.” I grab a pen out of my bag and then I grab his hand. I write the number down and turn to leave.

  Royal grabs my arm, gently though. Then he bends at the knees so our faces are close together. “I didn’t tell anyone about Harvard, but a lot of people already know you got in. It’s only a matter of time before Pierce or Annabella find out. You should probably be the one to tell them.”

  He has a point but I really don’t like being told what to do. But then, I don’t have anything to worry about since I didn’t really get in. I look into his eyes but I only see warmth. He isn’t trying to hurt me. “Thanks for the advice but when those two started keeping secrets from me, I gave up trying to be open. You can’t have an honest friendship with someone if you lie to their face.” I turn away from him and wrench my arm free. “At this point it’s like I was never friends with them.”

  I rush away and don’t slow down until I make it to Bentley’s car. When I’m safely inside and on my way home I think, Why the hell did I tell him that?

  Chapter Four

  My afternoons have become the worst part of my day. I used to go out, hang out with Trey or Annabella and Pierce. Or all three together. It seems ever since I lost Trey, I lost the other two for no reason. I’ve become a very lonely person and I hate it. I may not have had many friends, but they meant the world to me.

  There are two words I use in my head for Annabella, shallow and vapid. She is so into herself it’s not even funny. As her friend I try to look past these negative facts about her. That’s what friends do. They are there for you no matter what, even when you’re being horrible to them.

  Pierce is a one-emotion kind of person. It’s like he can only feel one thing at a time. Right now, and for the past hundred years it’s been hurt. Hurt over the hurt Ashley feels, hurt over the fact Annabella chose Donovan and not him. Hurt over his past and what he went through with his father, what his mother went through with his father. I can understand all of that, but sometimes you have to let that stuff go. Live your life; never forget the past but move beyond what it makes you feel. Holding grudges is the best way to get hurt. The people you hold them against generally don’t care what you feel. Why do you think they hurt you in the first place?

  Trey…he was like a lighthouse. He shone bright and clear through the fog at sea. He protected me from the hurt Annabella and Pierce can inflict on me. Now I’m left alone and dealing with their crap. It’s really hard not to sit up and scream at the top of my lungs and punch one of them in the face.

  Bentley walks into my room while I stalk Facebook. “What is that scowl for?” I look up at him and want to smile at his outfit. Gone is the mysterious boy who went to school with me this morning. Now he is just wearing a grey tank and plaid pajama pants.

  I look back down at Annabella’s profile and glare. “Seems Annabella and Pierce are out together. Alone. And without me,” I tell him, reading the same check-in update again.

  Annabella Gage was at Meadow’s Central Mall with Courtney Pierce. 7:59 p.m.

  “I’m starting to think those two are dating behind Donovan’s back.” Bentley states. I wince but try to cover it with a smile. “You can’t even lie about it, Wes. You think the same thing.” With that parting statement, he turns and leaves.

  I groan and fall back on my bed. Before Trey died, things were not like this. Those two only hung out alone if Donovan and I both had something else going on. Now that Donovan is away at college, they can’t seem to spend enough alone time together.

  “Hey, Wes! Look alive!” I scream out when I hear Donovan’s voice come from my computer.

  I sit up fast and feel a little dizzy. When was the last time I ate? “What the fudge, Donovan! You can’t sneak up on me like that!” I tell him through the screen of my laptop. I look him over while he sits there in my Skype window. His brown hair has grown out and now falls across his forehead. His green eyes are filled with sadness but I don’t know if it’s for me or because of Annabella.

  “What did I tell you about looking sad?” I say, trying to smile. I can’t though because there is nothing to be happy about today. There hasn’t been anything to be happy about in a really long time.

  He smoothes a hand over his face and sighs. “Don’t Wes. You’re no more happy than I am.” He scoots around on his bed. I can see his wall behind him, full of pictures of Annabella, Pierce, Ashley, Bentley and me. I almost laugh when I see one of Victor. Victor and Donovan get along, but Victor hates having his picture taken. Victor is Annabella’s older brother and Ashley’s long-term boyfriend.

  I move my laptop to the end of my bed and lay on my stomach. I prop myself up on my elbows and chew on the inside of my cheek before I answer. “I don’t know what’s going on, Van. She doesn’t talk to me anymore.”

  He curses before rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands. I can feel the frustration coming off of him all the way over here. “That’s what scares me. She used to tell you everything. Now she tells him everything and they leave you sitting at home. She’d never do that before I left.”

  “I don’t know what to tell you, Van. I guess I was just too sad for her to be around. For both of them to be around. They started leaving me out way before you left.” Donovan wants to believe that she tells me everything but that wasn’t true even before Trey died. She just didn’t want her boyfriend to know she was closer to his brother. I was a cover, maybe that was all I ever was.

  He glares at his keyboard and my heart breaks for him. “What do I do here? How do I get my girlfriend back?”

  I pretend to think, but really I’m not. I know how to get her back but that would mean the loss of Pierce. Not death, but if he wasn’t here anymore, she’d only have us to cling to. That’s important to Annabella; she doesn’t like to be alone. She has to have someone around she can turn to. Victor might always be there, but she won’t run to him, not like she would me.

  But since I’m still the scaredy cat I’ve always been, I lie. “I don’t know, Van.”

  That’s when he starts to glare at me. “Wesley, you are one of the strongest people I have ever met, but you are a horrible liar. At some point you’re going to have to realize, those two don’t care about anyone but themselves. Stop protecting them.” He growls out before he turns the Skype chat off.

  Tears silently fall down my face as I stare at my blank computer screen. I’m trying to protect him. He would never hurt his brother, but he would hurt Annabella. I think that’s one thing she doesn’t understand about her boyfriend. He would pick Pierce over her any day. That’s why I lied to him.

  If Annabella left, or even if Pierce left, I would be alone at school. A freaking ghost. I need someone to stand behind, someone to sit with at lunch and in class. If one left, the other would desert me for good. They may suck as friends, but I still need them.

  “Wesley?” comes a deep male voice.

  I about jump out of my skin and look up at my bedroom door.

  “Down here, girl,” it comes again, but this time I realize it’s from my computer.

  I finally look down and see Royal Sanders staring back at me. My breathing automatically picks up speed, because he’s not wearing a shirt and his entire golden chest is on display. I swallow hard before speaking, “Can you put a shirt on before I ask you what you’re doing? It’s a bit distracting.”

  He chuckles and it’s the same one from earlier today. It’s deep and full of warmth. “Yeah sorry. Rachel claims to be cold and turned the heat up in the house. It’s like a sauna in here.”

  He gets up, I assume to find a shirt, but I speak before he can completely leave, “Wait!” he stops and looks back at me, “It’s fine. I don’t
want you to get all sweaty and start stinking.”

  He chuckles again before sitting back down. It’s dark behind him so I can’t tell what his bedroom looks like. If he is even in his bedroom. “Don’t worry, I’m wearing plenty of deodorant.”

  This time I laugh and it surprises me. I think I forgot I could laugh. “So…why are you Skyping me?” I ask while shifting around on my bed.

  “Tutoring? Did you forget about that?” He smiles and it’s beautiful the way it transforms his face.

  “No, I didn’t forget about the tutoring, but you could have at least texted first.” I scold him before getting up off my bed. I find my backpack on my desk and pull out my World History book.

  “Sorry about that. I didn’t think you would be all that comfortable around me, at least not yet, so I decided to try this first.” By the time I get back to my bed, his light is on in his room and he also grabbed his World History book.

  “It’s fine, I need to study for the test this Friday and I get to help someone in the process, it’s a win, win for me.” I smile for him and sit cross-legged on my bed. “Where do you need to start?”

  “The beginning.” When I snort, he grins. “I’m serious. I have no idea what’s going on or why it went on. This stuff just flies over my head.”

  “You’re lucky, I could talk about this stuff in my sleep.” I tap my pen on my chin and grin myself. “In fact, I’m pretty sure I do.”

  “Well in that case I’ll just sit here while you sleep and take notes.” We both laugh and start working. I could talk about this stuff for hours and this night I do.

  Well until about midnight when Annabella walks in through my bedroom door. I shut my laptop in the middle of Royal’s sentence, cutting him off. “What’s up Annabella?” I stammer out. I’m totally busted.

  She has a sour look on her face and I think it has to do with who I was talking to but she quickly corrects that. “Ugh, Donovan is getting on my nerves lately. I thought it would get better since he went off to college, but it’s only gotten worse.”

  She throws herself down on my bed almost clocking me in the face with her elbow. “What do you mean?” I ask. I scoot my laptop under my legs, hoping she doesn’t ask what I was doing when she walked in. Oh wait, this is Annabella; she doesn’t care what I was doing. She only cares about her problems.

  “He thinks I’m sleeping with Pierce. Like I would cheat on him with his own brother. Besides, Pierce has a girlfriend too. I love Pierce like my brother, not like I love Donovan.” She closes her eyes and visibly relaxes like she was waiting to tell me all that and it’s better now.

  “Well, just a word of advice, maybe you shouldn’t hang out with Pierce alone anymore. Or at least don’t advertise it on Facebook. He’s hundreds of miles away, he doesn’t know what’s going on unless he talks to one of us or reads Facebook.” She pops up real quick and heads to my balcony doors. I hate that she smokes.

  She pulls the pack of Reds out of her back pocket and pops one in her mouth. Her pink and gold lighter comes out of her front pocket and the smell of smoke enters my room. “You didn’t say anything to him did you?” she questions, not meeting my eyes.

  “What the hell would I tell him? That you’re hanging out with Pierce? He knows you are, because you put that shit on Facebook. I don’t know what you do with Pierce when I’m not there, so I have nothing to tell him,” I ground out, trying my hardest not to yell.

  She turns toward me and eyes me up and down. “Don’t get your panties in a bunch. Pierce thinks it was you who told him but I forgot about the check-in on Facebook. Then Van said he talked to you on Skype. I just wanted to see your face when I asked you.” She takes a deep drag of her cigarette before tossing it over the railing. “I’ve got to get home. I’ll see you at school tomorrow!” she hollers as she strolls out my bedroom door.

  That’s how I know they are hiding something. Never before have they had to question me on what I told Donovan. Which leads me to believe they think I know something. And they would only be scared I told Donovan something if there was something to tell.

  Now all I want to know is…what is there to know?

  Chapter Five

  My life used to be so simple. I never thought about what Pierce and Annabella did when they were alone. I never thought about Royal Sanders without his shirt on. I never thought I would have to live without Trey. Now I’m suffering from all of these.

  I know it’s been six months since he passed, but I can’t seem to walk away from it. I still expect him to walk into my room with his huge goofy grin and tell me he’d been thinking about me. He wouldn’t have even had to knock on the front door. He’d have walked in, waved hello to my mother and gone up the stairs. He’d have stopped by Bentley’s room and asked him what new riffs he was working on with his guitar before making his way to me.

  I can feel him everywhere. I’m a ghost now because of it. The part of me that loves him won’t come back. I’m stuck with this shell that has no idea what to do without him. We were going to get married after we graduated from college. We were going to have three kids and a cat. We even picked out their names. Now none of that will ever happen.

  Tears fall down my face as I look at his gravestone. There is a picture of him in the middle along with his name. His birth date and death date stare daggers at me. He would have been eighteen today. We would have had a quiet dinner with his parents, partied with Annabella and Pierce, then gone back to my house and made love. It’s what we did the two years I had him. Trey wasn’t into birthday parties. We would throw him one anyway, just because we wanted to celebrate the wonderful human being that he was. Trey would have given you the shirt off his back if you needed it. I once watched him give a homeless man twenty bucks and a hot meal. When I asked him why he did that, he replied, “Because you have to show support to those who need it most, simply for the fact they have none anywhere else. I gave him something to be thankful for. Something to brighten his day. He might not have chosen to be homeless. It could have been thrust upon him.”

  That was my Trey. Sweet, kind, loving and now no one gets to be a part of his life. Someone who couldn’t bother to obey one simple law snuffed it out. Driving drunk hurts more than just you, it hurts everyone you come in contact with. Trey was minding his own business but some drunk guy didn’t care. He didn’t even care when he hit him. He just drove off. He was later pulled over with blood still on the hood of his car.

  My phone goes off in my pocket, so I set my flowers down gently on Trey’s grave. I stand up and fish it out.

  Annabella: Hey sorry we can’t make it tonight. Some stuff came up. Ttyl.

  I want to roll my eyes but I don’t. Figures they would both bail on me. When Annabella has a problem I’m front and center with help, but when I need her here to hold my hand she is nowhere to be found.

  I need to get drunk.

  My Kia is parked a few yards away, so I blow a kiss to Trey and walk over. I have no idea where to go, but I drive anyway. When I find myself outside of Royal Sanders’s house, I wonder why he was on my mind.

  It got dark on my drive here, so I can barely make out the cars parked in his driveway. I know there is a party here; it’s the only one, I think. Pierce and Annabella would never show up here, so I feel safe.

  I wonder when that happened? That I feel safer at the enemy’s house instead of with my so-called friends. I know they are both going through something, but does that mean they have no time for me? Trey was friends with both of them. He went out with Pierce all the time. He went shopping with Annabella and me. He had relationships with them and they just don’t give a shit. They don’t give a shit that he died. How can they not care? Someone died and they went on living. Not that they shouldn’t have, but damn they could have at least acted like it affected them.

  “Bridges?” My thighs instantly close together and my knees get tingles. Channing Southerland.

  I slowly look up into grey smoky eyes. God he is beautiful. “Southerland?” I ask b
ack.

  A small grin appears on his face before he crosses his arms on his broad chest. His muscles jump and shift under his tight shirt. “May I ask why you’re outside of Royal’s house?”

  I square my shoulders and take a deep breath. “There’s a party, right? That’s why I’m here.”

  His face doesn’t change but that’s nothing new with Channing. He either looks bored or pissed off. Nothing else. “Is this some kind of joke?” he questions raising one of his eyebrows.

  I roll my eyes and get out of my car. He’s seen me now so there’s no reason to run off scared. “No.” He moves so I can exit but doesn’t move far enough away for my comfort. “When have I ever done anything to you? Said anything mean to you? I don’t really care about you at all, if I’m telling the truth. I just pretend to when Pierce or Annabella are around. Those two get pissy if you go against them.”

  He nods like this makes sense to him. He surprises me when he puts an arm around my shoulders and walks me toward the house. It’s been over six months since I’ve been to a high school party but they don’t seem to ever change. Bodies everywhere, dancing, drinking, and having a damn good time.

  Channing walks into the house and it’s almost comical how everyone turns toward us. Some look pissed off, some look surprised, and others look bored. “Listen up! No one fuck with Bridges here. And no one breathes a word that she was here.” He pauses and glares around the room. “Do I make myself clear?”

  And they all nod together, one unit.

  “Whoa…” I breathe out.

  Channing snorts and moves me through the crowd. We go down a long hallway and then into a big room with double doors. The doors are open but the only people inside are Channing’s friends.

  “Royal get Bridges here a drink.” He glares again and I know what’s coming. “If I find out any of you fuck with her, you’ll be ended. And don’t spread it around that she was here.” Then he lets my shoulders go and moves to the bar where Royal has the biggest grin on his face.