Break Me

by Amanda Heath

  “Whatever. I might like to talk about that time, but I don’t think I could have dressed like that all the time. That dress was heavy, and my neck was killing me by the time the day was over.” And that’s true. But I would have loved to fall in love back then. Guys just don’t talk sweetly to girls anymore, they don’t compliment like they used to and they definitely don’t dress that way. Tight breeches and high collared shirts? Totally hot.

  We get back to the lesson for a little while but I have to get up and find a new book. Our World History book doesn’t cover all the information he needs. I tell him I’ll be right back and head down the history aisle.

  I didn’t know that he followed me until I’d located the book and turned around to walk back. I let out a squeak, because no matter how big he is, he doesn’t make a lot of noise when he walks. I think it’s all the swimming. “You scared me, dickhole!” Then I look up at him.

  The way he's looking at me right now totally has me singing Nicky Minaj in my head. Because my heartbeat is running away. Great, now this song is stuck in my head.

  His lips are suddenly on mine, devouring them in his haste. It's delicious and dizzying, making my knees incredibly weak.

  His hands reach the waistband of my jeans, lifting my shirt a bit. His warm fingers skim over my bare skin causing the biggest shiver.

  My hands go over his chest, then over his shoulders, up his neck and into his hair.

  His tongue slowly reaches out licking at my lips. I open immediately to let him in.

  Wait. What am I doing? We are in the library!

  I break away from his lips saying, "Stop." My voice is breathless. I drop my arms from around his neck. I feel my cheeks are flushed and notice his are as well.

  He backs his face away, blinking several times, "What?" His tone is confused.

  I blink a few times myself. Why did I make him stop? "Shut up," I tell him before reaching around his neck and bringing my lips back to his. His tongue immediately enters my mouth again, and he groans. The sound vibrates over my own tongue and I clutch harder to his shoulders.

  His hands glide along my lower back, leaving behind goose bumps. “I’ve been waiting to do this for forever,” he whispers, nipping at my lips.

  “Then why didn’t you?” I ask sucking his lower lip into my mouth.

  He takes the kiss back over and pushes me harder into the bookshelf I just realized we are leaning up against. “Because you weren’t ready.” He’s still whispering, his lips barely brushing mine.

  “I’m definitely ready now,” I mumble reaching for his lips again.

  He smiles, looking down at me. His hands leave my waist and cup the sides of my face. “I know. That’s why I’m kissing you, girl.” His nose nuzzles along my cheek and I tighten my fists in his hair.

  His lips start back for mine, but then we are interrupted. “Really? In the library?” Channing’s voice drifts over to my ears and I close my eyes tightly.

  Royal growls, “This better be good, Southerland. I’ve had enough of your shit lately.” I open my eyes and look up at Royal. His hands are by his sides, clenched into fists. I slowly lower mine, but he doesn’t seem to notice.

  “Yeah, I know. I’m fucking sorry dude. That’s what I came in here to tell you, but I didn’t realize you’d…be making out with Bridges.” Then I swear, under his breath, he says, “I totally should have seen this coming.”

  Royal sighs and closes his eyes. I place my hand on his chest and he opens them to let me see his expressive brown eyes. “I’m going to go back to the table. Y’all should talk.” He nods and kisses my lips softly.

  I walk past Channing and he has this stupid smirk on his face. I smack him on the shoulder and I turn around to watch him rub it. I long for the days when he didn’t have any facial expressions. Now it seems he’s always showing me what he feels.

  I hear their voices raise a few times, but I don’t listen in on what they are saying. I’m friends with both of them, but they’ve known each other all their lives. They’ve been friends all their lives. Plus, I’m too lost in my own thoughts to even pay attention to what they are saying.

  I thought when this moment came, and I knew it would because I’m not dumb, I would feel different than I do. I thought I would be mad at myself. I honestly thought I would hate myself, because it could be considered a betrayal to Trey. But even after I kissed Royal, Trey’s happy presence is still with me. I don’t think his ghost is following me around or anything. I know Trey has long gone to heaven, but I just feel him. Kind of like a guardian angel. Nothing spooky or that serious.

  But while my head is okay, my heart isn’t. What if he wants to be my boyfriend? Can I handle that? I don’t think I can handle that. I mean there is a difference between making out and getting off, and having a full-blown relationship. Royal’s MO is usually the non-committed kind. Here’s hoping he can stay that way.

  They finally come around the corner, and I sigh in relief. The thoughts running around in my head are starting to get out of control. “All better?”

  Channing nods and sits down on the other side of the table. “Never better. We’re different from girls. We just punch each other in the face and go on about our lives.”

  I quickly look up at Royal’s face, but I don’t see any bruises forming. “He’s joking, Wes.” And they both burst out laughing.

  Royal’s chair is still incredibly close to mine so I elbow him in the gut, hard. Channing laughs until he snorts and then turns beet red, which sets both Royal and I off. “She’s getting worse than Paisley,” Royal says breathless.

  “I am not,” I exclaim. “She’s a freaking ball buster. I just elbow you when you say some stupid shit.” And Paisley is a badass. The way she handles herself and life, I’m seriously jealous. She doesn’t take anyone’s crap, including Channing’s. Which is crazy to think about because I’ve seen a lot of people just take Channing’s crap. Pierce and I used to call him Dictator.

  Channing winks at me and I roll my eyes. “I’ve got to get out of here. I’m meeting said ball buster. Here’s hoping she doesn’t kick me in them.” He salutes before heading out the front doors of the library.

  Royal stands up and packs all our stuff away. I try to help him but he just grins and moves my hands out of the way. “Don’t need your help, girl. I’ve got this taken care of.”

  When he’s satisfied that we have everything. He walks me outside and to my car. I’m about to say goodbye and head far away from him and the crazy things he does to my body, but he backs me up into my car.

  His lips meet mine softly, gently. It pulls at memories of Trey and I want to cry. He can’t be slow or gentle. But he pulls away before I can really freak out. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Wes.” He walks to his car, as I get into mine.

  He might see me tomorrow, but what will I feel tomorrow?

  Chapter Fourteen

  At first, I thought maybe he just wanted to get laid. I mean come on, Royal Sanders and me? That is a disaster waiting to happen. We both keep things so bottled up, we explode. Plus, I’m still holding on to a love I’ll never have again. I do know I need him though.

  Or should I say my body needs him? I wake up in the morning and all I can think about is touching him. He set some kind of fire in my blood and only he can put it out. The evidence being that every time I see him, I pull him into some dark corner and kiss the mess out of him. I’m addicted to his lips and the way he touches me. He never goes where I want him to though. Not like in my dreams.

  Try spending a week with a guy who kisses you like he’s desperate to have you, only for him to pull back right before he reaches into your pants and takes what he wants. Because that’s what he does. His hands will play about on my stomach, lower back, and hips. The second he gets too close to my pants or whatever I’m wearing, he stops kissing me and leaves.

  I’m seriously sexually frustrated. I want to scream at him that I’m not a virgin. Believe me dude, I have had plenty of sex. Trey was a wonderful guy, but
he wasn’t a saint. Though he never made out with me in a janitors closest while Pierce and Annabella were just outside the door at her locker. That was fun and it made it even better that we could be caught at any second. We weren’t though, because Annabella and Pierce were too into their conversation.

  I thought it was funny, but Royal didn’t. He says that he’s afraid Pierce is going to beat the shit out of him when he finds out. And he will find out because I’ve watched enough GG to realize secrets always come out. Not that we have some stalker blogger chick telling all our secrets to the world, but we do have Rachel.

  You haven’t heard much about Rachel, but that’s because I don’t really get along with Rachel. Before Royal was around, I didn’t go near her because I think she’s an idiot and because well, I pretended I hated them all. Now, I stay away from her because she’ll tell anyone who listens I’m making out with her twin brother constantly.

  My dislike of her started long before I even thought to have a friendship with Royal. I had AP English with her freshman year. We got paired to do a reenactment of Pride and Prejudice. She refused to do the scene because, and I quote, “This story is stupid. Who cares what they did back then? I personally think they have horrible outfits and talked very confusing.” I made a vow right then and there I wouldn’t ever be anything but her enemy. I definitely shouldn’t have done that, but I didn’t know I would want to get in her brother’s pants.

  “Wesley, you have got to stop going off into space! I’m sitting here talking to a freaking statue. It’s annoying.” I look up from my locker to see Annabella glaring at me. My cheeks instantly heat up. “Unless you’re daydreaming about a boy. Then I can get over it.” She smiles then, a secret in her eye.

  I want to laugh but she’s way too close to home on this one. “I’m not daydreaming about anything. I’m just thinking.”

  She rolls her eyes before leaning against my neighbor’s locker. “Look, Wes, I was talking to you for five minutes and you didn’t respond to anything I said. You were daydreaming. And if you were daydreaming about Trey, I’m going to have to put my foot down.”

  Sadness overcomes me. I haven’t even thought about Trey in weeks. He comes up but mostly as an afterthought or if I’m comparing him to Royal. I swallow hard. “I’ve got to go,” I say, my voice strained.

  Annabella grabs my arm and stops me. She makes me face her by jerking me around. “I can see that look in your eyes. You don’t have to be ashamed or sad because you went a little while without thinking about him.” She squares her shoulders and I know she’s about to let me have it. “He’s gone. He’s not coming back. I’m sorry you even have to go through this, but you’re seventeen years old. You should be living your life, going out on dates, partying. But you don’t, you just exist. You’re coasting through senior year. He’s been gone for eight months. You can be sad about it, and you can mourn him. That’s fine, but right now you’re living with him. In death. He wouldn’t want that, and you know it. He wouldn’t care if you moved on. If you had a healthy relationship with another guy. All Trey ever wanted was for you to be happy.” Tears flow down my cheeks and I imagine the sound they make when they hit the tile floors. “I don’t want to make you upset, but I have to say my piece. I know I hurt you before, but that’s because I couldn’t stand to see you hurt yourself. And that’s what you were doing. Now you’re better and I won’t let you go back to that place.”

  I sniff my nose and she helps me clear some of the tears. “I don’t know how to move on. Every time I try to, I get scared. I don’t want to love anyone else the way I loved him,” I whisper, my voice cracking.

  Annabella smoothes some hair behind my ears and meets my eyes. “You won’t ever love anyone the way you loved him. I think that’s what you don’t get. He was your first love. You never forget that one. They stay with you whether they die, or you break up.” Then she giggles and looks off like she’s far away. “You are so full of love. You will love the next guy just as much as you loved Trey. I don’t think you have the piece inside of you that makes you hate anyone. I know you pretend for Pierce’s sake that you hate Channing and his friends. You love him enough to do that. That’s what draws him and me to you. We have black hearts and evil souls and shit. But there is also this part of us that wants to be pure. And you make us better, so maybe we are a little pure.”

  “You sound so crazy right now,” I mutter at her, and she kind of does. But that’s Annabella. She’s always been a little off.

  She comes back from wherever she was and winks at me. “I’m batshit crazy. I blame Victor.”

  “I blame Victor, too.” And we laugh. Then she hugs me. She holds on to me for so long, I start to feel alright again. I just can’t seem to stop having setbacks. It’s that whole “moving one step forward and two steps back” thing.

  “I don’t even want to know what’s going on with you two,” comes a snarky voice behind me.

  Annabella looks up and sneers. “Sanders. I would say it’s a pleasure to hear your voice, but since I can’t stand the sound of it, I won’t.” Then she looks at me. “It’s like nails on a chalkboard.” Then she shudders.

  “Real cute, Annabella,” Rachel says, and I can imagine her standing there with her hand on her hips and a glare in her eyes. Her brunette hair will be down to her shoulders and her button up shirt will be open too far, showcasing her boobs. Her brown eyes, which are not soulful like Royal’s, will be empty and void.

  “Why don’t you move along? No one has anything to say to you in this part of the hallway.” My shoulders tense up. These two are about to fight and I want nothing to do with it. I might not know where Royal and I are headed, but I do know I don’t want beef with his sister.

  So I turn around just in time for Rachel to roll her eyes. “Y’all are having this weird lesbian shit on my new locker. So why don’t you move along? Hmmm? Or should I go find a teacher and have them ask you? That should be fun; I could totally say y’all were making out. That’s against the school rules, you know.” She beams down at us with her megawatt smile. Oh my god she’s a bitch.

  “Your locker is now by mine?” I ask, my face all pinched together in disgust.

  Her eyes go from Annabella to my face. This is where I start to see Rachel in a new light. Her eyes soften when she takes in my tear-streaked face. “I’m only joking around. Well about the lesbian thing. I really do have the locker next to yours now. There’s a black mold outbreak over where my old locker is.” Then she smiles gently at me.

  Annabella and I quickly back away at Rachel’s mood swing. “I think she’s batshit crazy. Not you,” I tell my best friend, with a scared look on my face.

  Annabella does a full belly laugh and then snorts. “Probably. Did you know Royal won’t let her date anyone? Yet he can sleep with anything that moves. I’d go crazy if I couldn’t have sex. It’s already killing me that Donovan lives so far away now. At least I get to see him every once in a while or have phone sex whenever.”

  I gag. “Please don’t talk about the phone sex. I don’t care about that or about how good it is.”

  “Don’t knock it until you try it.” Then she winks.

  ***

  I hang out with Annabella and Pierce that night, which also happens to be Friday. Tough I left them two hours ago.

  Royal texts me a few times asking me to come over, but I ignore them. I know it’s wrong, but at the end of the day, I’m fucking terrified of him. I’m terrified of what he makes me feel. I’m scared of what being with him will do to me. The closer we get, the further away I feel from Trey. There’s a big part of me that refuses to let him go.

  I know it’s wrong of me, but how can I give up something that meant that much to me? Trey was my whole life and he was taken from me. He didn’t choose to leave. And this part of me can’t choose to walk away from him.

  Another part of me, that is just as big as the Trey part, is all about Royal. I think about him all the time. That’s what messed me up in the hallway with Annabel
la. How can I think about him and not Trey? Then it occured to me that I’ve been having them both. I keep my love alive for Trey but the hormonal part of me is all about Royal. It’s like I’m having a relationship with two guys. Is that wrong of me?

  I know it’s not cheating considering Trey has passed. Or is it? Because I’ve started something with Royal whether I want to admit it or not. And that leaves me caught between life and death. That’s where my biggest problem lies. How can I truly feel anything for Royal if I’m still in love with Trey? The truth is, I can’t.

  I climb out of my bed, where I admit I was staring at the ceiling. But this time it was different. I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself or caught up in old memories of Trey. Royal was the reason I was staring at the ceiling.

  I make my way to Bentley’s room.

  I take in how much it’s changed since he was little. The walls are still blue but he’s painted over the clouds Mom had painted when he was young. The walls are full of heavy metal posters and his guitars. His favorite, the red and black Gibson, is propped up on its stand. His room is big enough for a full size bed, a couch and an entertainment center. Bentley is sitting on his couch playing The Last of Us on his PS3.

  “Can we talk?” I inquire softly, looking anywhere but at him.

  Bentley looks up from his game and smiles. “You can always talk to me, Wes. I’d never turn you down.”

  I cross the fluffy white carpet, loving the feeling between my toes. I flop down on my butt next to him. I stare at my hands as I begin to speak. “If there was a girl you really liked, would you wait around for her to get over someone else?”