Break Me

by Amanda Heath

  I can feel his sharp green eyes on me, searching for why I’m asking this. It’s a moment before he answers me. “If I really liked a girl, I would wait forever. Because that’s what really liking someone is. It’s the hope that one day you’ll love this girl and she’ll love you. If there were even a hope I could love her, I’d wait. Even if someone else came along. I might be with this other girl, but that girl I really liked? She’s the one I’ll love. I know I wouldn’t get over her just because I was with someone else. It might not be fair, but that’s life.”

  I finally look up at him, my face frozen in grief. “You really think he’d wait forever?” My voice is small, barely audible.

  Bentley nods, his eyes shining. “I think he could love the shit out of you, Wes. I’ve only seen you two together a few times, but I see it. I’ve seen him at school, watching you. Long before you brought him around. And I said in my head, that guy wants my sister. I felt bad for him though because some of those times, Trey was still alive.”

  I didn’t know this bit of information. But that’s Bentley. He’s always been a people watcher. He’s far wiser than I’ll ever be, but I don’t mind. It’s not every day you find a younger brother who can give such great life advice. “What if I never want to get over Trey?”

  Bentley takes a deep breath and smoothes a hand over his hair. I see a tear splash on his hand. “I was afraid you would ask that. And I don’t want to sit here and tell you that’s stupid. But it is. You can’t marry Trey. You can’t have children with Trey. You can’t have a life with Trey.” His voice cracks with his tears, my pain bleeding with his over everything I’ve been through. “You used to scare me before you started hanging out with Royal. I thought you were going to join Trey. I would stay up at night worried sick you were going to kill yourself. Then one day you had a little light back in your eyes. And then you got help. But I don’t think you got enough help. You’re still reaching for Trey when he can’t be reached. And I don’t know what I can do for you.”

  That hurts, but I think he meant it to. While I’ve hurt enough for one lifetime, this pain is different. My parents, they are there for me, but they don’t see how I’m truly doing. They only see what I show them. Annabella and Pierce, they are scared of what I went through. They are just happy it wasn’t them. Bentley though, I hate this hurt I’ve burdened him with. He deserves for me to be happy because my pain is his pain.

  If he thinks I can be happy with Royal, then maybe that’s where I should be. I give Bentley my first real smile to him in months. Then I kiss his cheek and get up off his couch. “I love you, Bentley. I hope one day I’ll be here for you, like you’re here for me.”

  He sighs before answering me. “I love you, too. And I know you will be. Because in the long run, you know since you’re old, you’ll go through everything first.” Then he laughs.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I take a deep breath before I call Royal’s cell.

  After talking to Bentley, I went to bed. I needed a good nights sleep to be able to come talk to Royal today. I wanted a clear head and my sense in tact. Though it didn’t really help much. I still feel like all my insides are about to fall out and I want to run back to my house.

  “Hey,” Royal says on the other line. His voice is distant, but what did I expect?

  I take another deep breath before speaking. “Can you come let me in?” I would have just knocked on the door, but Rachel’s SUV is still in the driveway.

  “You’re here?”

  “No, I’m sitting on the stoop to another Royal Sanders’s house.” I really shouldn’t start this day with sarcastic comments.

  “Funny, girl.” Then he hangs up.

  I wait on the steps for what seems like forever, before the front door opens behind me. I quickly stand up and dust my hands off on my jeans. I went for kind of sexy, kind of comfortable today. Skinny jeans, a low cut red t-shirt with a pocket on the breast and my three-inch leather boots. I let my hair down and the curls fly everywhere in this wind. “Hi,” I squeak out.

  While I’m actually dressed, Royal only wears a pair of basketball shorts. They hang off his hips and for the first time, I let myself study his naked upper body. His arm muscles are impressive. Big and formed around his bones to perfection. His torso is smooth with a few dips and ridges. I like that about him. He’s not overly done with his abs and chest. “Can I ask why you’re here on a Saturday morning? And looking like a sex kitten?” His brown eyebrows are raised and his lips are formed into a little frown.

  I sigh. I guess I deserve this since I can’t seem to make up my mind about what I want from him. “Can we go inside? And talk?” I ask timidly.

  He steps back from the door but doesn’t lower his arm. I walk under it, getting a whiff of his cologne. It’s dark and sweet, a weird contradiction. He shuts the door behind me and moves past me up the stairs. I follow at a slower pace, scared to take this next step. And it is a step, hopefully one in the right direction.

  Before he can say anything or I lose my nerve, I plop down on his king size bed and sit Indian style. Royal stays by the door, his arms crossed over his chest. His face appears bored and I pray he hasn’t already given up on me. “Eight and a half months ago, I received a call in the middle of the night. It was my boyfriend’s mother calling to tell me Trey wasn’t going to make it. That he got hit by a drunk driver while he was walking down the street. He did that sometimes. He liked the night air and all the stars in the sky. I think it helped center him sometimes.

  “I can remember now, but for a long time I couldn’t. Right after that call my heart broke into a hundred pieces. My entire life was turned upside down. I didn’t cry though, not for the first couple of days. While I appeared sad on the outside, inside I was fucking destroyed. I didn’t know where I was half the time or what I was doing. I would space out in the middle of conversations. Like one second I would be talking to Mrs. Gardener, then I would be talking to my mom. With whole hours missing in between. Bentley says he didn’t notice anything different. He was around me constantly then. He said he was worried I would fall over and die myself. He knows how much Trey meant to me.” Tears flow down my face, but by this point I’m so used to them, I feel funny when I’m not crying.

  “Why are you telling me this?” Royal speaks through the fog in my brain. I look up at him, seeing he has moved away from the door. He stands in front of me now, his eyes sad.

  I shrug and look down at the floor. “Because if I’ve learned anything from this, it is don’t let go of those who mean something to you. That’s what I did. I let go of my parents, Bentley, Pierce and Annabella. I shut them out of the world I had in my head. That’s where Trey lived, in my head with me. He was all I needed, so I stopped living my life. I just went with the flow, never really giving a shit about what I was doing.” Then I look back up at him, locking my eyes with his. “Until you. You are the first thing that broke me out of that place. I started feeling something again, other than sadness and grief. I finally woke up because I didn’t have to associate Trey with you. You didn’t know each other and I don’t have memories of him that are tied to you.

  “And you make me feel safe. Especially when I thought Annabella and Pierce were doing it. That was a really scary time for me. My entire family would be divided if that ever happened. Donovan is my cousin and friend, too. They would ruin him, because he loves Annabella so much. It’s not even funny.” I close my eyes as memories pass behind them. “I haven’t talked to him in a while, and now I feel like shit because of that. He Skyped me a few months back and I could see, I could see what they were doing to him. If he lost Annabella, he wouldn’t ever be the same. My happy, carefree cousin who always has a smile on his face and in his eyes.” I sob now, letting everything crash around me.

  Royal climbs on the bed beside me and makes me lay down. My head rests on his bare chest and I feel like I can finally breathe again. “I don’t think you can stop Annabella and Pierce, Wes. Those two have been heading down a path of se
lf-destruction for a long time. Donovan should have known that when he got with Annabella. I can see it, the way Pierce looks at her. He’s been in love with her for forever. I don’t think he’d ever admit it to anyone, but it’s true. Donovan should get out before he loses his girlfriend and his little brother.”

  I sniff and wipe some tears off my face. “He told me he was in love with her. He said it got in the way of what was going on with me. She had completely consumed his thoughts. He told me that he wouldn’t ever put her first again.” Then I laugh and the sound feels bad. “I never told him I didn’t believe him for a second. He’ll always choose Annabella. He’s going to die alone because he can’t see what she’s doing to him.”

  Royal’s arms tighten around my shoulders and I close my eyes, loving it. “Why does everything turn into Pierce and Annabella with you?” he questions softly, his lips moving against my forehead.

  “Because they have been in my life the longest. My aunt is godmother to both Annabella and Victor. She raised them after their parents died. The three of us are all the same age; we grew up together. I’ve always kind of been stuck with them. Trey and I rarely ever fought, but if we did, it was because of them. Trey liked to party, and while doing it every so often, I never really cared for it. Pierce and Annabella were always getting him drunk and I hated it. We finally had to stop hanging out with them so much because they were ruining our relationship.”

  And I never realized that before. My eyes pop open. “You know, they barely flinched when Trey died. I think that’s why I drifted away so much; because they didn’t care. I felt I was the only one who cared. They ruin a lot of things.” I whisper the last words, thinking about hiding my friendship with Royal from them. I never would have done that before Trey died.

  “Seems one good thing happened with his passing. You realized the truth about Pierce and Annabella,” Royal whispers back, kissing my cheek. “Tell me about Trey. I want to hear about this guy who meant so much to you.”

  So I do. I leave out the sex and kissing parts. I do tell him about what we did on dates and how I first realized I was in love with him. “He was always quoting movies and video games. He loved to do the Terminator voice and he quoted, ‘Hasta la vista, baby.’ and started climbing in his car. So I yelled out, ‘I love you,’ and that was it. He got out of the car and looked at me like I had grown a new head. He later told me he wanted to say it first but couldn’t work up the nerve.”

  It got easy to talk to him about Trey. Something I thought would never happen. And the more I talked about him to Royal, the more I felt myself letting him go. Maybe that’s what I needed the whole time. I will always have Trey, like Annabella said, he was my first. But now I realize he will live on inside me. I’ll always have these memories and no one can take them away from me. Besides, it’s nice to have a friend who wants to talk about him.

  I fall asleep with my face pressed to Royal’s chest and his arms wrapped around me. And for once, I don’t dread waking up.

  ***

  When I wake up later that afternoon, I can’t help myself, so I kiss Royal. It might be a little creepy, but I don’t care. His handsome face is relaxed in sleep, so I lean in and press my lips against his. My hand raises up and pushes through his silky locks.

  When his tongue snakes out and licks at my closed lips, I groan, not realizing he is awake. “That’s a way to wake a guy up, Duchess,” he whispers, his voice low and full of promise. His tongue enters my mouth when I open it to reply. It duals with mine, seeking dominance, and I let him have it.

  He breaks away from me, breathing hard and shallow. Something in his eyes sets my entire body on fire. Before I know it I’m taking my t-shirt off, leaving me only in my pink bra and jeans. “Fuck,” he groans closing his eyes and throwing his head back against the headboard.

  His hands glide up and down my sides and I smile a secret smile, getting off on the power. When those hands stop at the back of my bra, I know things are about to get real. I should say something to stop it, but I don’t. After the talk we had earlier, I’m about to throw my heart at Royal and never look back. Though I’m not quite there yet.

  My bra comes off quickly and that’s when he opens his eyes, taking in my exposed breasts. He doesn’t speak, but he does lift his head to suck a nipple into his mouth. Now my eyes close and I open my legs to straddle his hips. He’s already hard and I grind against him, loving the friction. When he switches to the other nipple, flicking it hard with his tongue, I decide that’s my favorite part of sex.

  “You taste like heaven,” he murmurs, my nipple still in his mouth.

  “You feel like heaven,” I gasp, my hips grinding even harder. His hips start to lift up making the sensation even better. Okay, that’s my favorite part.

  He suddenly flips me onto my back and my eyes widen. He chuckles, making me smile because you know how much I love the sound. His hands smooth down my neck, over my breasts, gently down my stomach where he circles my belly button, and then he stops at my jeans. My breathing gets more and more labored the longer he moves down and he notices. “I’m going to take these off, Wes. I’m not stopping after that. I’m really turned on right now and it’s going to hurt if we make it past this point and stop. So tell me right now if you want this.”

  I nod. “I want you. Please.” It’s all a whisper but I don’t care. He can hear me just fine anyway.

  “Thank god.” Then he swiftly takes my jeans off, leaving me in my tiny pink panties that match my discarded bra. “Fuck me, you are so gorgeous,” he says, his voice in awe. Nah, that’s my favorite part.

  “Right back at you, stud.” I laugh out. He smirks at the corner of his lips and slips his fingers under my panties. They slide down my legs and off my feet before I can blink. Feeling a little shy about being completely naked, I sit up and start pushing his shorts down, “Your turn.”

  He stands up and shucks the shorts, revealing the fact he has no underwear on. I don’t comment because I’m too focused on his junk. He’s long and hard of course, but the size of it has me a little light headed. Trey was smaller, but then again, Trey was a smaller guy. Royal is just…big. “I see your eyes right now. I’m having the same issues in my head, because you are tiny,” he tells me, looking a little scared.

  I sit up on my knees and move over to the side of the bed. I reach my arms up and fold them around his head. “Don’t worry, it will fit. If you hurt me I’ll let you know,” I whisper in his ear as I reach down to stroke him.

  He lets me for a moment, but then he takes my hand away. He kisses me hard while laying me back down on his bed. His hand moves down to my sex where his fingers start to play. I’m already wet, but this just makes it worse. He glides two fingers into me and starts pumping them. Before long I start meeting his hand with my hips. His passionate brown eyes stare into mine, making the moment intense. “How does that feel?” he asks, bending down to kiss my lips. He bites my bottom lip and gently tugs.

  “Really, really good,” I gasp out, holding on tight to his neck. He gives me a wicked smile and starts to pump harder until I’m crying out his name. My climax reaches every part of my body and it’s enough to last me a lifetime.

  “Wesley.” Royal calls out and I look up at him. “Just wanted to make sure you’re around for this,” he groans out as he rubs his erection against my sex, teasing both of us.

  “Oh god,” I mutter, holding on to his neck like he might fly away.

  Having enough teasing, he slowly starts to slide inside of me. It hurts a little at first but once he’s sunk all the way in, I forget that tidbit. His eyes watch what his hardness is doing to my lower body before looking up at me, a question in his eyes. I just nod. He starts to thrust now, moving along at a steady pace. Every time he moves back, tingles start at the center of my sex and reach up to my lower stomach. It’s way too intense for me to handle but I hold on to Royal anyway. I want to close my eyes and pretend this isn’t special but I can’t because he’s staring right into them. He’s read
ing everything he can and he’s making it clear he’s not letting go.

  “You are so fucking tight,” he moans nuzzling his face into my neck. One of his hands, which were settled next to my face, goes to the center of my body and presses on that part of me that holds the gates of heaven. His lips meet my ear and he whispers, “Come, Wesley. Come all over me, I want to feel it.”

  I shoot off like a rocket, calling out his name again, and decide that was my favorite part. I open my eyes in time to see his face appear close to rapture and his muscles straining around my head. His hips get jerky and I reach up and kiss up and down his neck.

  When he’s finished he collapses on top of me, while we both try to catch our breath. “I didn’t use a condom,” he says, his voice just as strained as his muscles.

  I want to laugh at the horror on his face, but I don’t. “I was on birth control with Trey. I never stopped taking it. Force of habit.”

  His entire body visibly relaxes and I smile. “Thank god.”

  He falls off of me onto the bed and tugs me to his chest. I have other ideas. I climb on top of him and kiss him deeply. When we break apart, I ask, “Want to go again?”

  “Yes,” he growls, grabbing my hips to tease over his already returning erection.

  And that’s what we do for the rest of the afternoon. I feel like a starving woman who can’t eat enough cake. Then again, maybe I am. I want to take Royal and keep him next to me for the rest of my life. He’s brought out a side of me I didn’t even know existed.

  And I love it.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Royal’s leg squeezes in between mine and I smile with my eyes still closed. “You have a serious problem,” I mumble, too tired to speak at a normal volume.

  He laughs and it makes my smile bigger. “I can’t help myself. I have this really sexy, naked blonde in my bed.” His voice is low and full of lust. I shiver and reach my hand under the blankets to weave with his fingers.