Break Me

by Amanda Heath

  I reach around her neck and hug her to me. “You deserve love, too. The kind you want, not the kind you think you have to settle for. When you find yourself at that crossroad, I’ll help you find the right path.” Then I kiss her cheek and run out the front door.

  ***

  By the time I make it to Royal’s, I’m a nervous wreck. My palms are making it hard to steer since they have gotten so sweaty. I can’t stop wiggling my toes or chewing on the inside of my cheek. I wonder who I picked that up from?

  When I park my Kia outside the Sanders house, it takes me a minute to realize he is waiting for me. He stands on the front porch, wearing his basketball shorts and a hoodie. He looks so amazing; I can’t even catch my breath. I don’t know how I got out of my car, but I know I’m running right for him. His arms spread wide when I jump into them. I slam my lips against his and kiss him like I’m dying. And maybe I am because my heart has never beaten this hard. The moment his tongue touches mine I know I have never felt like this. What I had with Trey was real but it was simple and made me feel safe. Being in love with Royal is completely different. He makes me think about things. He makes me feel alive. Our love isn’t simple but flawed. We make each other better. Not that Trey didn’t do that but he was already good. Royal was lost and so was I. We found our way together and nothing has ever been this beautiful.

  When we break apart, I look deep into his eyes. His gorgeous, tender brown eyes. “I love you,” I whisper, a tiny smile playing about my lips.

  His grin is huge. He leans down to kiss my nose. “I love you, too.” Then he kisses my mouth, slowly, but full of heat.

  I break away, saying, “Come somewhere with me?”

  He nods and I lead him to my car. I don’t tell him where we are going, nor does he ask. I think he’s just happy to be with me right now. I know I’m more than happy with it. I don’t ever want to be away from him again. Well, not for long periods of time.

  When we make it to the graveyard, I can see Royal shift uneasily from the corner of my eye. I want to laugh, but it doesn’t seem appropriate. “I need you to help me with something. You think you’re up to it?”

  He gives me a look but agrees with a nod of his head. “Trey’s buried here, isn’t he?”

  I nod and turn around to get my bag out of the back seat of my car. I set the bag in my lap and turn to face him. He looks smushed in my car, his long legs bunched up near the dashboard. He has to lean his head down a bit so he doesn’t hit the top of the car. “There are two reasons we are here.” I pause to take a deep breath, drawing on my inner strength. “I wanted to tell you why I acted the way I did. I’m sure someone has told you, but I want you to hear it from me.”

  He leans toward me and opens the bag. He rummages around until his big hands bring out the box. “This, right?” His voice is gentle but I can hear the inflection. He’s worried this is going to set me back.

  “They might have told you I went nuts because of that, and I guess I did. But that wasn’t the whole truth. I got mad, full of rage.” I look him in the eyes, my hands flying around to express my feelings. “I was so mad that I found it in that box. I was so ready to let Trey go, but it set me back. I was so mad that I couldn’t be with you. I know it was all irrational now, but I wasn’t thinking clearly. I just couldn’t figure out how I was going to let him go then. That ring means he was going to marry me, because I would have said yes.” Royal flinches and I feel guilty for saying that. But then I don’t, because I want to be honest. I want to throw everything on the table, explain why I’ve been such a bitch. “Then I realized if Trey walked up to me right now and asked me to marry him, I would say no. It may have taken me a long time, but I finally realized that he is my past. He’s not coming back and I won’t ever be with him again.” Then I pointed at my heart. “He will always be right here. He doesn’t own my entire heart but he owns a little bit. But you are in there now too, and you are my future. And I want to be a part of that future, so that’s the other reason we are here.”

  I climb out of the car, holding the ring box. I don’t even want to open it and look at it one last time. I honestly haven’t looked at it since the night I found it. My mom had put it in the safe in my parent’s bedroom. I calmly asked for it, and she gave it to me. I could tell she was scared to, but I didn’t react. I have no reason to anymore. Because deep in my soul, I have let Trey go. I no longer feel his imagined presence and I no longer constantly think about him.

  I open the back door and pull out the little hand shovel I found in our shed. Royal climbs out too, a sad look on his face. He meets me at the front of my Kia and I reach up and touch his face. “I want to give this ring back to Trey. And the only way I know how to do that is to bury it with him.”

  “I think that’s a good idea,” he murmurs, as I take his hand to lead him to Trey’s grave.

  I freeze once I get there. I had an entire speech planned out in my head but I draw a blank once it comes time to speak it. When Royal stops next to me and grabs my hand, I know what I need to say. “Trey, this is Royal. I wanted you to meet the guy I’m in love with. I thought you might like that. Everyone keeps telling me that you would want me to be happy, and it took me long enough to find my own happiness. You would want me to be full of happiness and love.” Tears start to pour, but what else is new? “I loved you so much. I still love you, but I moved on to a different love. My love has morphed and changed into something else. It chose someone who is charming, funny, and full of life. Something you no longer have. And I’m sorry you’re gone. I’m sorry this happened to you, but I can’t change it. I wanted to for months. I tried to wish you back into existence, but it never worked.

  “I’m giving you this ring back. I love it, but it’s just not mine to keep. And I wanted you to know, if you had asked while you were still alive, my answer would have been yes. I would have married you in a heartbeat. But you’re gone and life moves on.”

  Royal sinks down to his knees and starts digging a hole for us to bury the ring. It’s at the foot of Trey’s grave. I don’t feel comfortable standing on him. When Royal’s done digging, I drop the ring box in the hole and bury it. Then I stand up but Royal starts talking once I stand, “Trey, I can promise you I will always take care of Wesley. I won’t ever hurt her and I’ll be the best friend she ever had. And maybe one day, I’ll make her a wife and mother. I don’t know if that will happen for sure, because we are still in high school, but I do know I’ll always protect her.” Then he smiles. “It was nice to meet you, bro. Rest in peace.” He kisses my head and walks back to the car.

  “He’s great, isn’t he? I can see you in my mind standing in front of me, telling me how good I did. You wouldn’t have any hard feelings.” I sit down on my butt and wipe a few stray tears away. “Anyway, I love you. And I promise to bring you flowers on your birthday every year. I promise to bring my husband and kids to meet you. And I promise I will never forget you. You will live on inside of me, because that’s where you are safest. I’m going to miss you for the rest of my life. But it’s nice to know it won’t ever hurt again, not like the first day. I have Royal now, and he makes it better. Almost normal, actually.”

  I stand up and walk to his headstone. I place a kiss there and whisper, “Goodbye, my sweet boy. Sleep in peace.” Then I walk away from Trey’s grave, tears flowing down my face and I reach for Royal.

  He folds me in his arms and rocks me back and forth. “Will you stay with me tonight?” he whispers against my hair.

  “Always.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  After leaving Trey’s grave, I haven’t felt so free. I kind of think I could up and fly right off the ground. I don’t try that though, because I know it’s never going to happen. But a girl can dream.

  “I don’t think I have ever seen you this happy,” Royal whispers, as we make our way up to his bedroom. Since my talk with his mom, she’s been home a lot more. That means we have to sneak up to his room. It’s almost midnight and for some reason I can�
�t wait for it to be tomorrow. I’ve let go of everything that was holding me back. It’s the most amazing feeling ever.

  “I’ve been this happy before, but right now I blame it on you.” I smile when he squeezes my hand.

  Right before we pass Rachel’s room, Kellan steps out. With no shirt on. Like any girl with hormones, I check him out. His light green eyes are wide, fear resounding within them. His brown hair hangs down to about his chin and normally he swings his head around to clear his eyes but I think he’s too surprised to do that now. His lips are full and swollen, most likely from Rachel’s kisses. He’s on the swim team along with Royal and Channing, and his body shows it. Lean with a flat stomach, his chest is slightly broader than I would have thought. His arms have muscles but they aren’t out of control.

  Before I try to stop him, Royal punches Kellan in the face. His slender nose starts to pool blood while he’s laid out on the floor. “Royal!” I screech.

  He looks back at me with a smile on his face. He winks before turning back around to face Kellan. Since he seems so light hearted about the whole thing, I decide to let it go. “I figured this would happen after that party,” he tells Kellan, reaching his hand out to help Kellan back up. “You wouldn’t have gotten punched if you had come to me first. Just so you know.” Then he moves to open Rachel’s door. I don’t see Rachel but I hear her surprised gasp. “I know about Kellan now. No need to keep making him hide his car and sneak in through your window. Have a good night.” Then he sticks his tongue out at her.

  “You are an asshole! Go away!” She starts throwing something at the door but Royal shuts it before he gets hit.

  “I see you finally came to your senses, Bridges,” Kellan murmurs to me, while Royal laughs and keeps taunting his twin sister. “With you around, things should be easier for me.” Then he winks, crossing the hallway to break up Royal and Rachel’s spat.

  Royal laughs the whole way to his bedroom. He enters before me, so I shut the door and lean against it. I decide to take some of his fun away. “They’ve been together for a lot longer than you think.” His shoulders stop shaking and he turns around to face me, a question on his face. “Yeah, when I was coming around before, she told me they had been sneaking around. Well, I don’t know about sneaking around. Apparently you’re the only one who didn’t know.”

  His lips get really small and he strides back toward the door. I won’t move out of the way and he looks down at me, his eyes angry. “Move. I think Kellan needs to have his ass beat.” His breathing is hard and his chest rises and falls with the movement.

  I don’t move. Well, not away from the door. I stand on my tiptoes and kiss his neck. I let my tongue come out and gently lick at his skin. “Why would you go and do that, when you have me here? Hmm? I have other plans for your hands, Royal.” I whisper this into his ear and grin when he shivers. “I’ll let you do whatever you want, as long as you stay here…with me.”

  He looks down at me, his eyes focused on my lips. “You play dirty, girl.” Then he kisses me. My lips open up immediately, waiting for his tongue. It’s been so long since I was in his arms.

  His hands move under my shirt, as his tongue enters my mouth. I suck at it and then bite his lip. I might never have been in a true relationship with Royal before now, but I do know what he likes in the bedroom. I lift one of my legs to hook around his back, grinding myself against his erection. He growls before removing his hands from under my shirt to my yoga pants. He pushes them down along with my panties. His fingers smooth over the exposed skin, finding my sex ready for him. “Someone’s excited,” he whispers against my lips before sinking his tongue back into my mouth.

  I moan around it, my hips chasing his fingers around. “It’s been awhile.” I gasp as he plunges a finger inside of me.

  “Way too long.” While his fingers control my body, he uses his other hand to push down his basketball shorts. I reach up and my fingers connect with the crown molding around his door. I lift my leg, the one not around his hip, and toss my clothes off my foot. They are still around my other leg, but that’s okay.

  I lift my other leg around his hips and finally my eyes are level with his. His brown eyes burn with passion, lust, and love. It’s a dizzying effect as he removes his fingers and pushes his erection inside of me. “Fuck,” he mutters when he starts to thrust. “Why are you always so tight?” he asks, rapture in his voice.

  I shudder, those tingles I get below, shooting up to my lower stomach. “Because I weigh one hundred pounds less than you do,” I gasp out, rolling my hips while his hands move to my back, supporting me.

  He chuckles my favorite chuckle and it does funny things to my insides. “Sarcasm during sex. That’s a new one.” He doesn’t give me time to reply as he slams his lips against mine. His tongue moves into my mouth, mimicking what he’s doing below.

  It’s not long before I’m climaxing and clutching his hair. His hips jerk a few times before he stills. Instead of letting me down to the floor he keeps me against the door. His eyes are full of everything he’s feeling and its almost more than I can take. “I love you, Wesley. And I’m seriously happy you came to your senses.” He kisses my lips gently and I smile around it.

  “I love you, too. And I’m seriously happy I came to my senses.” He pecks me again before gently moving out of my body.

  He looks down and then over at me. His face is clouded, hiding whatever it is that he’s thinking. “What?” I ask, both eyebrows raised.

  “We should really start using condoms. I’m too young to be a daddy.” He kind of looks terrified, so I laugh. “I don’t really think it’s funny.”

  I shrug, because that’s what I do. “I’m still on birth control. And from now on I’ll be naggy and make you wear one.” Then I wink before moving to the bathroom to clean up.

  When I come back out, all hell has broken loose. Michele is standing at Royal’s front door with her arms crossed over her chest. “At least it’s you. I had horrible images of some bimbo with air for brains.”

  My eyes widen and my mouth falls open. “Hi, Michele.” What? It’s the only thing I could come up with.

  She snorts and looks back at Royal. “Well the two of you can join the other two and me in the dining room.” Royal clenches his fists but I gently pry one apart and link my fingers with his. He looks down at me and smiles. Then we follow Michele down to the dining room.

  Kellan, who still isn’t wearing a shirt, and Rachel, who’s in a robe, are sitting with their arms crossed at the table. “I didn’t tell her I swear. I thought she took her damn pill and went to sleep. She caught Kellan in the kitchen getting food, then she heard a thump in your room,” Rachel rushes out, looking angry and scared all at once.

  “I know you didn’t rat, Rach. Stop bugging out.” Royal quiets her and sits down at the table. I move to the chair next to his but he pulls me into his lap. “You’re sitting here if I’m about to get chewed out. It will make me feel better,” he whispers in my ear so I relax against him.

  Michele stands at the head of the table and looks over us all. Then she just shakes her head. “I don’t even know what to say. It’s after midnight on a school night and I find both my children in inappropriate positions.” She glares at Rachel and I assume Rachel wasn’t wearing that robe when she found her.

  “I don’t mind either of you having relationships, especially if they’re with these two. I approve of your choices, I just don’t approve of the late nights. All four of you are still in high school. You aren’t old enough to be staying the night together and having sex at all hours of the night.” She puts her hands on her hips and starts pacing. “I don’t even know how to punish you. On the one hand, I’m angry that you would betray my trust like this. Then I remember I haven’t been around for a long time, so I wonder how long these late nights have been going on. Then it makes me sick to my stomach because I’m way too young to be a grandmother. I just hope at this point everyone has been using protection.” She’s too busy pacing for her to n
otice Royal stiffen. I want to laugh at him. Not only am I on the pill, but I’m not fertile now, nor was I the last time we did it. I guess I didn’t tell him that. Oops.

  “Mom, before you start talking about the birds and the bees, just stop. I’m pretty sure we all know how babies are made. Just get to the punishment, please,” Rachel states placing her head on her palm.

  Michele rolls her eyes. “I’m the parent here. I believe at this point and time, I have the right to talk about whatever I want. But you are right. I believe we are all familiar with the birds and the bees.” Then she sits down at the table and looks over all of us. “First up, your curfew is eleven on school nights. Two in the morning on weekends. I think that’s fair.” Rachel and Royal nod. “When you have company of the opposite sex, you will leave your bedroom doors open. There will be no sleepovers or late night sneaking in the window. Y’all aren’t married. You’re still children. Mature children, but children nonetheless.”

  “That all sounds fine, mom. But can I ask why you feel the need to punish us now, when before you didn’t seem to care one bit?” Royal growls out. I can tell he is getting more upset the more she talks.

  Michele flinches and I feel for her. I remember what she said about her cancer and when she stayed away from her children. Then I decide to get into everyone’s business. “You should tell them about the cancer, Michele.” I speak up softly but everyone hears me.

  “I believe you are right, Wesley. Once again I’ve been given advice by a patient.” Then she kind of glares, kind of smiles at me.

  Royal stands up real fast, planting me on my feet gently. “You have cancer? Why didn’t you tell us?” he demands, hitting his fists against the table.