Break Me

by Amanda Heath

  She bites her lip and I watch her eyes cross over to Channing. “That’s the thing you have to remember. They aren’t gods. They are human like everyone else. You might not be able to believe that one of them loves you, but they do. And just like with any good man, they love with their whole heart. You feel like every time they look at you, you become their goddess and you’ll never know anything bad again in your life.” Then she smiles at Channing, who instantly smiles back. “You might have bad parts, but that’s in every relationship. You’ll even cause some of them.” Then she laughs, seemingly lost in a memory. “I was scared too, Wesley. I didn’t know what to do with him. But finally I realized that I was more miserable without him than I would ever be with him. I gave him that one chance and he blew me away.” She looks at me as I study her face to see if she’s being truthful. “Just give him one chance. I promise he won’t blow it.”

  And then she walks away from me. And maybe she took some of my doubt with her. This is when I turn around and pull Annabella and Pierce with me. I walk us out the door because if I want to fix Royal and me, I can’t do it while he’s drunk.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Thanksgiving for my family is always a huge affair. There are a lot of us. Lily is my dad’s sister. Their parents passed away when I was younger, so now my dad is the head of the family. With Lily comes Ash, Victor, Pierce, Donovan and Annabella. Then you have my parents, Bentley and me. My mom and Lily always end up cooking the big meal, and all the girls have to help out. The men sit around and watch football or movies. It depends on who’s playing.

  Then we eat until we can’t stand and we have to unbutton the top of our pants to breathe. Afterward mom, dad, and Aunt Lily end up having a drink in my dad’s office and the kids sit out in the living room and watch TV. Sometimes we bring our own drinks, but not enough to get us drunk. Vic would have our asses.

  ***

  After the party Saturday, in which my group left after the conversation with Paisley, I haven’t heard from Royal. Well, until today. It’s Sunday morning, and we have to go back to school tomorrow. There was a knock on my front door at ten a.m. and there stood Channing Southerland.

  I was seriously shocked that he was at my house. I could see Paisley’s red head in his Jag but apparently he wanted to do this alone. “Royal wrote this for you. He didn’t want to bring it himself. He said something about the courter always having someone else bring the letter. He was going to send it in the mail but that would’ve taken longer than he liked.” Then Channing handed me an envelope and left.

  Now I’m sitting in my room staring at the letter, wishing I didn’t have it. Then I wish I had the courage to open it and read it. I can only imagine what’s written in there. I want it to be a love letter, but then I want it to be a fuck off letter.

  “Are you going to sit there and stare it all day, or open it?” Annabella asks while sitting at my desk. She used some lame excuse about using my nail polish to come over. I think she can’t stand to be around Pierce and Donovan at the same time. I don’t want her around both of them at the same time, so I agreed. Luckily, Donovan will be going home tomorrow.

  “If I say I’m scared will you hit me?” I question, biting my lip and still staring at the letter.

  Annabella huffs. “No, I’ll only hit you if you don’t open that thing and read it. I can see the way you’re looking at it. You have a mixture of longing and scared shitless in your eyes.”

  I pick up the envelope and carefully open it. My name is written on the front in expressive cursive. I figure he got Rachel to write that part, that way it would look pretty. My nerves shoot up when I pull the notebook paper out. My palms get sweaty but I can’t open it. I’m too scared.

  “Oh for the love of god!” Annabella quickly snatches the letter out of my hands and opens it. Her eyes move over the words written and I start spazzing out. You know, breathing like a crazy person and trying to pull my hair out. She finishes a few seconds later and smiles up at me. “I never thought I would ever say this but Royal Sanders is fucking awesome. Oh my god, if you don’t read this I will kill you!” She throws the letter at me and sits on the bed.

  I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and scoop the letter off the bed. I open it slowly and start reading:

  Duchess,

  I don’t have pretty words. I don’t even know that many pretty words, but I do know that you are beautiful. Is that cheesy? I don’t really care if it is. I can remember the first time I ever thought you were beautiful. It was in the third grade. You were dancing around with Annabella on the playground. You looked so amazing, so free and full of life. You didn’t care who was looking at you, you didn’t even care that you had no rhythm or style. You just wanted to dance. And I remember you telling Pierce that when he said you looked stupid. Even then you were standing up to him. I think that’s why you cling to him so much. You need him in your life because the shit he gave you, you gave him right back. You have a relationship with him that I am so envious of. I want to be that guy for you. I want you to give me shit and I give it right back. I want to fight like an old married couple. I want to grow old with you. I want those amazing green eyes to be the first thing I see every morning and the last thing I see at night.

  I’m getting ahead of myself. The next time your beauty really affected me was when you showed up at school as a duchess. I’ve told you this before, I know, but it’s worth repeating. You stole my breath in that huge dress and that crazy up do. And you carried yourself like a duchess. That’s what made me look up and notice. I didn’t know much about you then, I just knew you were Pierce’s cousin. And he always seemed to be standing in front of you. Annabella too. It took me a long time to realize that they weren’t smothering you. They were protecting you. I know you now, girl. I know you inside and out. You didn’t ever want to stand out. I knew that the moment you said you were headed to Harvard. Most people would have been shouting that from the rooftops, but you, you didn’t want anyone to know. Annabella and Pierce, they cover you, make you less important than you are. And this last year you needed that. You needed to be unnoticed so you could grieve for Trey.

  That’s the next time I thought you were beautiful. Channing and I were out grabbing a bite to eat and we noticed you and Trey at the restaurant. The way he was looking at you, I wanted to look at you like that too. You could see it in his eyes how happy you made him. That guy loved you so much and I hope one day you can let me love you that much. I don’t want to replace Trey. I could never replace him. I don’t even want to try. I just want to be with you. And I want you to glow like you did that day, again. Because you were; you were glowing. I could see how much he meant to you even then. I remember thinking I wanted that so bad. I wanted to be so in love like that. Little did I know I would one day want that love with you.

  The next time I thought you were beautiful, is probably not a time you would like to remember. I realize now that Trey had passed months before this. It was the first day of school this year. I don’t think you ever saw me, but I saw you. I was coming out of the swim coach’s office when I noticed you sitting on the blenchers in the gym. You weren’t making any noise, which I thought was strange because you were crying. I mean, really crying. You brought tears to my eyes; I could feel your pain, Wes. I had no idea at the time what you were crying about but I knew you loved whatever it was. You loved it so much it brought you those heart wrenching tears I thought you were beautiful even with puffy eyes and makeup trails. And you were beautiful because whatever had brought you to that point, it made you feel. And when you feel something that strongly, you can see it in everything you do. I love that about you. You don’t just stick your foot in the water; no you jump in headfirst.

  Well, except for me, but I don’t blame you for that. I would have been scared of me too, if I had lost someone like Trey. Which brings me to the next time. That night you cried on my chest; that night you slept in my bed, you changed me. Before that night I was shallow and I didn’t care a
bout much around me. I kind of floated through life, not really caring about anything. I used girls before you. I hate to even admit that, but it’s the truth. I used them because I could. I used them because I wanted to. There’s no excuse for that. But that night you showed me how I was being an awful person. You were so upset; I couldn’t get you to stop crying. I couldn’t figure it out, but you trusted me anyway. You trusted me enough to cry on and sleep next to, even though we didn’t know anything about each other.

  You made me realize I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to be that guy you trusted, because before that night, I wasn’t.

  When I saw you in that hospital bed, I thought I might die. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with you. I just knew you needed me to lean on, so I let you. And that’s what makes you so beautiful. You lean on me even when I don’t deserve it. I wanted to hurt whoever made you feel like that, but I never realized it was a dead man. I felt horrible when I found out. And at one point, I wanted to bring him back just so you would be happy. But this is real life and I can’t do that. Besides, I want my time with you now. I know that makes me a selfish bastard, but I don’t care.

  I want you to know that you will always be beautiful, no matter what state I see you in, but this one I’m about to talk about, it’s my favorite. When you looked up into my eyes when we made love that first time, it broke me. You can’t imagine how I handled that in my head. You showed me trust, comfort, and love all at once. I knew right then and there I was in love, and there isn’t anything or anyone who can take that from me. Even if you never read this, never give me the time of day, I will always love you. That might be a serious thing for me to say since I’m only eighteen, but it’s true, girl. You are all I think about, all I see. Everyday life constantly reminds me of you. It hurts, but if being with me isn’t what you want, I’ll let you go. But I don’t honestly think you want to let me go. I think you’re just scared. Of what, I’m not sure. I can tell you I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be alive and kicking for a long time coming.

  What happened to Trey was a freak accident. One in a million. He didn’t deserve to die, you didn’t deserve to lose him, but that’s life Wes. Life is a fucking bitch and I hope this doesn’t give me bad juju. But she is, she takes away the people we love one by one. Sometimes she takes away a bunch of them at the same time. The choice we have to make is whether to let them go, or hold on to them even in death. But you aren’t living if you are doing that.

  Wesley you aren’t living. You are sitting by that grave with Trey. You haven’t left it since he was buried. Whether you want me or not, I want you to leave that grave. I want you to move on with your life. I want you to love again. I want you, most of all, to be happy. No one deserves that more than you.

  And just to let you know, I’ll always be here. Forever and always. Because in the long run, we were friends first and I will always be your friend. Oh and I’m not done courting you. I plan on doing a lot more to win you over, unless you tell me to go to hell. But I have hope on my side. Hope that you won’t let me go forever. Hope that one day you will walk through my front door and tell me you love me, too.

  As you wish,

  Royal

  I wipe tears away from my eyes and wonder how I got so lucky. How did I end up with Trey first and now Royal? That doesn’t seem fair to the rest of the world. “He’s so awesome,” I breathe out through my tears.

  Annabella moves my face up to look at her. She swipes her fingers under my eyes, clearing away some tears. “If you don’t go after that boy, I will. And we both know I have enough boy problems to begin with.”

  I nod, because let’s face it, it’s true. “I’m scared though.”

  She nods as well. She tucks a strand of my curls behind my ear. “I know. I’m scared for you. Because every time you have tried to let Trey go, it didn’t go well. I think you need to at least give it a few days. Once it settles in that Royal really wants you, you might find it’s impossible to be without him. Plus, I want to see what else he has in store for you.” Then she winks.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  I took Annabella’s advice. I sat on it for a few days. My mind always wandered to that day I spent in his bed. How good it felt to be close to Royal. When it comes down to the nitty gritty stuff, the one thing I want is to be happy. And Royal makes me happy. I might be scared shitless, but isn’t that what makes it fun? I don’t know what’s going to happen; I just know I need to let them happen.

  And let me tell you, it took me two weeks to come to that conclusion.

  Let’s start with the day after I received Royal’s letter. The day was normal, I got up, went to school, and by the time History came around, I was so nervous. I wanted to see him but I didn’t want to see him. My stomach was in knots and I couldn’t get my knees to stop shaking. Turns out, I shouldn’t have bothered. Royal ignored me. I mean I looked right at him but he never made eye contact. I couldn’t help wondering for the rest of the day why he would send me that letter, only to pretend he didn’t. He did this in seventh period too. And let me tell you, for once in my life it wasn’t someone else who made an entire room feel awkward. No, it was Royal and I. It was almost like everyone was waiting for us to make a move before they started talking. Needless to say, no one spoke at all during that class.

  So that night when my phone went off, I got excited to see a text from Royal. He sent me an audio file, which I thought was weird, because neither of us are texters. I clicked to open the file and laughed when a song started playing. A thought crossed my mind, reminding me that gentlemen used to serenade their ladies. So I realized that is what Royal was doing. The beat started playing, a song I didn’t recognize at first. Then Royal’s voice started singing the words. I sat and listened to him sing and then I hit replay three times before I went to bed. I couldn’t stop listening to his voice. It is so rich and vibrant, just like him.

  “Best of Me” by The Starting Line was the song. I had to look it up. Apparently The Starting Line is an old emo band. I thought the lyrics spoke to our situation. It actually grew on me by the time I drove to school the next morning. I had my iPhone plugged into the stereo and I jammed it all the way to school, singing at the top of my lungs.

  School was pretty much the same, except everyone in seventh period decided Royal and I weren’t going to talk to each other, so they resumed their chatter. I got another song that night and it totally surprised me. Nicki Minaj’s “Super Bass” was the inspiration this night and it brought back memories of our first kiss. Except instead of Royal doing the rapping, Rachel did. She did an amazing job. And at the end of it she said, “I hope you liked tonight’s song! I totally picked it out and shit. But I felt I needed to serenade you a little as well considering Royal and I come as a package.” Then she paused and I could see her biting her lip in my head. “You also talked some sense into my mother, which I will be forever grateful for.”

  The next night it was “A Thousand Years” by Christina Perri. Only this time he didn’t sing and neither did Rachel. I kind of liked that it was just Christina Perri and I. After that I got “Unconditionally” by Katy Perry, “Clarity” by Zedd, “Lights” by Ellie Goulding, and “With Me” by Sum 41. So the first week was generally happy. That’s not true for the second week.

  First up was “I Miss You” by Blink 182. I cried not only because Royal played it for me, but also because it was one of Trey’s favorite songs. You could hear the pain in Royal’s voice. That was the first time I hated myself for hurting him. It gave me chills and I wanted to run to him, but I didn’t. I was scared to death. I’m still scared to death.

  “The Story of My Life” by One Direction was a surprise. And while listening to it, you might not think it’s all that sad, but the next time you listen to that song, think of Royal. Think of what I’ve put him through and what he’s gone through in life in general, and it might move you to tears. Or it just might be me, because I’m the one hurting him.

  “Wrecking Ball” by Miley Cyr
us, I should have seen coming. While I don’t condone Miley’s video for this song, I can love the song. It flows incredibly well and the words hold such meaning.

  I braced myself for “Stay” by Rihanna and “Love The Way You Lie” by Eminem, but the last two…well they put a different light on things. In the long run, with his silence at school and these songs, these last two songs are what made me decide once and for all that I was in love with Royal Sanders. I loved him. I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take the silence, these stupid sad songs, and I couldn’t stand not touching him anymore.

  “Promise” by Matchbook Romance had me on my bedroom floor crying my eyes out. But for a different reason. I listened to it for months after Trey died. That song to me is about the loss of a loved one. About death. What’s funny, instead of pushing me closer to Trey, it pushed me closer to Royal. Because for once he made me see that he was feeling what I felt when I lost Trey. It’s unbearable. I almost ran to his house, in a t-shirt and panties with no shoes on. Annabella walked into my room right when the song stopped playing. I told her I had to leave and she told me it wasn’t time yet. I told her to get out of my way and she refused to let me.

  When the last song came in, I understood. “Say Something” by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera. I got the meaning behind it loud and clear. If I didn’t make my move tonight, then he was done. This time, I shoved on my yoga pants and a jacket before I raced down the stairs. Annabella was standing by the front door, holding my keys out. “Did you have something to do with this?” I ask, some things clicking in my head.

  She gives me her evil grin and nods. “I told him what songs to sing to you. Plus a two-week courtship is long enough. I just wanted you to realize you loved him before you went to him. I wanted you to truly know you wanted it. I know letting go of Trey is hard, but you deserve a chance at love again. Even if it is with the enemy.” Tears leak out of her eyes and she sniffs.