Shame on It All

by Zane

  As a matter of fact, here at Raoul’s Midget-Breeding Farm, we have the finest specimens of big-dick midgets on the East Coast. I’m Raoul, just in case your dumb ass didn’t figure it out yet. You have my personal guarantee that any midget acquired from my farm will turn your ass out.

  All of our midgets are scientifically bred to have Herculean, gigantesque, elephantine, mastodonic, mammoth dicks and come with a full twenty-minute money-back guarantee.

  Hold up! Give me a moment to scale up onto the porch, aiight? Where’s my damn grappling hook when I need it?

  (Ten minutes later, after using the grappling hook with shoelaces attached to climb up onto the front porch.)

  Whew! I finally made it! Give me a second to catch my breath over here on the lounge chair I bought from Ken at a yard sale. You know Ken? That blond chick’s boyfriend; trick ass.

  Anyway, like I was saying about, oh, thirty minutes ago, come on down to Raoul’s Midget-Breeding Farm and get you some real dick.

  I’m about to use my G.I. Joe parachute over here to get back down to ground zero so I can hop in my radio-controlled hooptie and go take advantage of the clearance sale at the Baby Gap.

  I guess you all want to get back to them trifling-ass Whitfield sisters and their silly-ass gurlfriends anyway. Damn shame they tortured that Marvin dude like that; sick huzzies.

  As for you, Bryce, talking all that shit! I’d like to show you a thing or two or even three. I’ll give you some hellified dick action, aiight? If I whipped my dick out right now, you would think it was a full eclipse out in this mofo. I’d have you screaming out my name in forty-two different languages. Speaking in tongues and shit.

  Aw, hell, here comes that dachshund from down the street again. I hate it when that damn dog chases me. I gotta roll, aiight? The mall is ten miles away so it will take me about five hours to get there in my ride if I get this baby up to 2 mph. If you need directions to the farm, give me a holla at 1-900-MIDGETS. Peace!

  Calls are $9.99 for the first minute and $29.99 for each additional minute.

  We now return to our regularly scheduled program, Shame on It All, already in progress.

  Part Four

  Love, Whitfield Style

  20

  The Aftermath

  “Ladies, what can I possibly say?” Harmony raised her flute of champagne to propose a toast. “We pulled off the teach-a-trifling-mofo-a-lesson crime of the century and didn’t even have to load a single gun or break out the duct tape.”

  All of the women clicked glasses and passed high fives around Fatima’s screened-in porch.

  Bryce decided to get in on the celebratory remarks. “I’m proud of each and every one of you Black Bitches from Mars.”

  “Hell yeah, I’ll drink to that!” Fatima exclaimed, reaching out her glass to click it against Bryce’s. “I must admit that I was skeptical about this entire thing at first. But I’ll tell you what, I had much fun. I haven’t had this much fun since Harmony and I hid in two of the lockers at Howard after a football game. We got our peep on that night.”

  Harmony giggled. “That was something. Remember Reginald Field? He was hung like no tomorrow.”

  “Yes, I remember Reginald. I gave him some.”

  “Gave him some what?” Harmony asked.

  “Ass! What do you think?” Bryce interjected. “She gave him some puddy, some coochie, some booty.”

  Harmony rolled her eyes at Bryce. “I get your point.” She turned to Fatima. “You fucked Reginald? You go, gurl! Let’s toast to that.”

  They all did and took some seats.

  “That damn Niagra!” Fatima squealed. “Gurl, that was too much for me! I say we keep the costumes and do a repeat performance next weekend on Javon’s ass. Instead of a rapist tattoo like you gave ole boy tonight, we can give Javon a little-dick one. That’ll serve his ass right.”

  “Fatima, you’re too much.” Lucky giggled, shaking her head. “On the serious tip, I would like to thank you sistahs, both blood and honorary, for coming to my rescue like you did. Much love.”

  Lucky got up to distribute individual hugs and kisses. For a brief moment, the mood turned emotional.

  “Damn, a Kodak moment,” Colette chided.

  Everyone laughed except for Bryce. She elbowed Colette, darting her eyes toward the rest of the group.

  “By the way,” Colette began on Bryce’s cue, “Bryce and I were discussing this in the car on the way back and…”

  “And?” Harmony prodded, thinking, I bet she’s about to say something totally ridiculous.

  “We decided that we were so smooth tonight, maybe we should take a bank.”

  Colette and Bryce gave each other high fives and giggled. Harmony clamped her eyes shut to regain some composure before picking up a toss pillow off the wicker love seat and getting both of them in one shot. “Stupid asses!”

  “Fa real, Sis!” Bryce wiped the champagne off her shirt with a cocktail napkin. “We can be like Jada, Queen Latifah, and them in Set It Off!”

  “N-E-Way.” Harmony smacked her lips and rolled her eyes. “Dean Marvin Mitchell won’t be a dean much longer. I can guaran-damn-tee that. After the officials at the medical school get a peek at the videotape, it’s all over for him.”

  “Are you seriously going to send them the tape?” Lucky asked, finding it hard to digest.

  “Hell yes! After I edit our voices out with some theme music. They only get one copy though. I’m definitely storing the original for safekeeping. We could make a killing selling that bad boy on the Internet. We might even outsell that Jerry Springer Too Hot for TV Tape.”

  “Speaking of Internet,” Fatima cackled. “My favorite part was when you pretended to use that digital camera and send out photos over the Web with your laptop.”

  “Who was pretending?” Harmony asked sarcastically. “There are pictures of him and the transvestite getting busy in the sixty-nine position everywhere. Not to mention the ones of him and the goat.”

  Colette eyed Bryce. “Shame on it all! Damn! Remind me never to get on your sister’s bad side.”

  Bryce giggled at Colette, wondering how she didn’t recognize that she was already on Harmony’s bad side. “Don’t forget the pics of Colette tearing up his ripe, virgin booty with that strap-on! That shit was off the hizzy!”

  Harmony had a perplexed look on her face. “Colette, that reminds me. I wanted to ask you something. Have you ever used a strap-on before? You looked like an expert!”

  Bryce answered before Colette could even open her mouth. “Hell yeah, she’s done it before! Let me tell you the story.”

  Colette slapped Bryce on the knee. “Chill out, Oprah!”

  “Sheit, you could put Long Dong Silver to shame. As a matter of fact, I might get daring one night and let you come over to the crib and fuck me in front of Troy with it.”

  “Eww!” the rest of them yelled out in unison.

  “Naw, the big punisher is going into retirement after tonight.” Colette grabbed her crotch, pretending to adjust an imaginary ball sack. “No more ass fucking for me. Although, I wouldn’t mind finding out how a thick, juicy dang-a-lang would feel up the old Hershey Highway. That Marvin dude was enjoying the hell out of that shit!”

  Harmony leered at Colette and Bryce. “Ya’ll are truly demented!”

  “We’re demented? Aiight, Queen Conspirator and President of the Fuck a Nucca the Hell Up Club,” Bryce hissed, glancing down at her watch. “It’s getting rather late. I better get back to the crib before Troy sends 5-0 out searching for me.”

  Harmony giggled. “Not a chance. I phoned home from the car and Zachary said Troy is calling the hogs on our couch.”

  “Too many drinks at the booty club, huh?”

  “My thoughts exactly.” Harmony took another sip of her champagne.

  “You let your men go to tits-and-ass joints?” Colette asked.

  “They don’t think we know about it,” Bryce replied. “It’s all good though. Two can play that. We need to
check out that dicks-and-balls club I keep hearing all the sistahs praising. I think it’s called The Black Screw.”

  “Yeah, I’ve heard of it,” Fatima proclaimed.

  “You’ve heard of it?” Harmony asked, shaking her head incredulously. “I must be seriously out of the mix if Fatima’s opera-going, socialite ass has even heard of it.”

  “I wanna go see some dicks and balls.” Colette cackled. “Maybe we can go there for my birthday. It’s in a few weeks.”

  “Sounds like a winner,” Harmony said, while everyone else nodded in agreement. She eyed Lucky, who still seemed extremely depressed. “It’s late. Bryce, why don’t you take Lucky and Colette and head back to my house. Everyone might as well spend the night, what’s left of it.”

  “What about you?” Lucky asked. “Aren’t you coming with us?”

  “No, I’m going to chill here for a few and play catch-up with Fatima. I’ll drive one of her cars home.”

  “At three in the morning you’re playing catch-up?” Bryce asked suspiciously.

  “Yes, Momma.” Harmony rolled her eyes at Bryce. “Besides, I’m too hyped up to sleep. Tell Zachary I’ll be home in about an hour.”

  “Whatever.” Bryce wasn’t buying into it for a second. She started giggling. “You think Marvin’s still where we left him?”

  “Yeah, I’m pretty sure he is. Who’d want to be discovered handcuffed to the toilet in the men’s room at the Fifth Precinct with rapist tattooed across their chest? Not to mention his jacked-up car out front with the same thing all over it,” Harmony replied. “They’ll find him eventually and what can he possibly say? ‘I was abducted and tortured by residents of Old McDonald’s Farm’?”

  Everyone started crying laughing.

  Once the other three were gone, Fatima cut straight to the chase. “Why’d you really stay? I’m interesting, but I’m not that damn interesting.”

  “I need to make a stop on the way home.”

  “At this time of the morning?”

  “Yes. We fixed one wrong tonight. Now it’s time for me to fix another one.” Harmony got up and headed into the house. “Give me the keys to your Porsche.”

  “Who the fuck is it?” Robbie yelled, making his way into the living room from his bedroom. He couldn’t believe someone was banging on his door at three-thirty. Then he had a revelation. “Lucky, I told you that it’s over! I have nothing else to say to you!”

  Robbie swung his door open and his jaw almost hit the floor. He was shocked to discover an older, more distinguished version of Lucky standing there. While not identical, the large sepia eyes, smooth caramel skin, and full sensual lips were a dead giveaway.

  “Do you know who I am?” Harmony asked, already knowing the answer.

  “You’re Lucky’s sister Harmony. I’ve seen your picture before in Lucky’s dorm room.”

  “Great! Then we can dispense with the formal introductions, along with the bullshit!”

  “Listen, I know why you’re here and I’m telling you right now, it won’t do any good. Your sister fucked up big time. It’s as simple as that.”

  Harmony wondered if Robbie was even worthy of Lucky. She decided he was justifiably upset because he didn’t know all of the circumstances.

  “Why wouldn’t you listen to Lucky earlier?”

  “There was nothing left to be said. I saw her with his hands all over her. They were in his car on campus.” Robbie was irate. “I even caught him picking Lucky up here one night in his big, fancy car. Your sister was sneaking out of here in the middle of the night to go crawl up in his bed.”

  “I see,” Harmony stated with disdain. “You think you have it all figured out, huh?”

  “Pretty much.” Robbie stood in his doorway so she couldn’t get past him, not that she attempted to. “It’s rather simple, actually. Lucky’s been sexing down our dean. Why, I have no idea, but she has been. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love Lucky and she claimed to have the same feelings for me. That’s the truly fucked-up part. I really loved her. I still do.”

  Harmony was about to turn around and head back to her car, but found his words touching and genuine. “Robbie, you didn’t listen to Lucky, but you’re damn sure going to listen to me.”

  “I admire your persistence, Harmony. I really do. But there’s nothing you can say that will change anything.”

  “Are you aware that Dean Mitchell was forcing Lucky to have sex with him so she wouldn’t get kicked out of med school?”

  “Are you serious?” Robbie took a few steps back because he felt faint.

  “Do I look like I’m kidding?” Harmony came into his living room and sat down on his sofa. Robbie sat across from her in an armchair. “Lucky wasn’t the only one, either. He had himself a little harem of scared young girls that felt trapped.”

  “This is unbelievable.”

  “Yes, it is. What’s even more unbelievable is your doubt about Lucky’s feelings for you. She loves you, and one of the main reasons she gave in to his demands was his constant threats of kicking you out of school because of your grades.”

  “Are you saying she did this for me?” Robbie felt like someone had just gutted him with a paring knife.

  “I’m saying she did this to protect both of you from a lunatic that believes in preying on innocent women.”

  Tears started cascading down Robbie’s right cheek. “He has to be stopped.”

  Harmony smirked. “Don’t worry. I have a feeling that he’ll get paid back for his dirt in spades.”

  “I sure hope so.”

  “The question is, are you going to make Lucky pay for Dean Mitchell’s dementia or are you going to be a real man, come home with me, and make amends with your woman?”

  It was after five by the time Harmony arrived home. Bryce was lying on top of Troy’s chest on the couch, drooling all over it. Harmony covered them up with a throw and headed up the stairs.

  She checked in on Lucky in one guest bedroom, delivering a package while she was at it. Then she checked on Colette, who was fast asleep in the other guest bedroom. She went into the master bathroom and took her medication before crawling up in the bed beside Zachary and passing out in his loving, warms arms that reflexively wrapped around her.

  “Harmony, is that you?” Lucky sat up and rubbed her eyelids after hearing Lucinda yapping at the foot of the bed. She thought she saw the outline of a figure by the door. “Harmony?”

  “No, it’s not Harmony.”

  Lucky heard a voice that was music to her ears. She thought she was dreaming until Robbie reached out to her in the darkness and grasped her hand.

  “I’m so sorry, Baby,” Robbie whispered. “I could kill him for what he did to you.”

  Lucky didn’t answer. She just flung herself into Robbie’s arms. They both began to weep.

  • • •

  “So you guys went to the movies last night, huh?” Harmony asked, pouring herself a cup of java. She glanced over at Bryce, who was shocking everyone by being domestic. She was making pancakes on the electric griddle and had bacon broiling in the oven. Bryce glanced back at Harmony and winked.

  “Yeah.” Troy was the first one to set himself up. “We went to check out Traffic.”

  “Excellent movie,” Zachary added, sitting across from Troy at the dinette table. “Extremely entertaining. I’d give it a four out of five.”

  “Where did you go see it?” Bryce inquired, not turning around from the counter.

  Troy started coughing while Zachary cleared his throat. Bryce and Harmony just smirked at each other. The men were saved by the bell for a few moments when Robbie and Lucky descended the stairs with Colette in tow. Everyone took the time to officially welcome Robbie to the clan.

  Lucky gave Harmony a kiss on the cheek, whispering, “Thank you, Sis. You always come through for me.”

  “Don’t mention it. Maybe one day you can return the favor.”

  “Just name it and I’m there for you.”

  Harmony giggled and told
Lucky, “Watch this.” She walked over to Zachary and started rubbing his shoulders. “Which theater did you say again?”

  Zachary and Troy, who’d both assumed they were off the hook, stared at each other. They want to make sure they didn’t yell out different theaters. Troy nodded his head, letting Zachary know he was deferring the question to him.

  “We went to Greenbelt,” Zachary answered.

  “That’s funny,” Bryce interjected. “I was just in Greenbelt the other day and I don’t recall seeing Traffic listed on the marquee.”

  “Really?” Harmony asked suspiciously. She sat down at the table next to Zachary and leered at him. “That is strange.”

  “It just started there the day before yesterday,” Troy stated, wishing like all hell that they would just drop it.

  “Oh, aiight,” Bryce said. “No wonder.”

  Harmony picked up the round of twenty questions where Bryce left off. “Isn’t that the movie with Samuel Jackson? The brother from Pulp Fiction?”

  Robbie was about to correct her, but Lucky tapped him on the leg underneath the table and mouthed the word no.

  “Yeah, that’s the one,” Troy lied. “Brotha man turned the movie out, too.”

  “He sure did,” Zachary added.

  Harmony couldn’t hold in her laugh any longer. “I only have one thing to say to you two. You are cold busted.”

  “B-U-S-T-E-D,” Bryce agreed, spelling the word out in case they were missing the point.

  Troy sank down in his chair. Zachary tried to bury his face in the newspaper.

  Colette made a suggestion. “I say you sistahgurls withhold pussy privileges for a few weeks.”

  “Naw,” Harmony giggled. “They’d only go get their jollies off at the booty club where they were hanging out last night.”

  Everyone settled down to eat Bryce’s dry-ass pancakes and burnt bacon, having a good morning laugh at Zachary’s and Troy’s expense.

  Less than an hour later, they all had to take turns using the three bathrooms. Bryce’s meal gave them the runs.