Shame on It All

by Zane

  She started banging on the bell harder.

  “Hold your horses! I’m coming!”

  “Who said that?” Bryce asked. They all started looking around.

  “I said it,” a male voice with a Puerto Rican accent replied snidely.

  They looked down at the counter and saw some stubby little fingers appear over the edge. The thing, because they had no idea what to call him, climbed up on the counter. They all fell out laughing again.

  “Damn, who are you?” Harmony asked.

  “I’m Raoul, dammit, and I already know who you triflingass Whitfield sisters are!”

  “Is that right?” Bryce rolled her eyes, not taking kindly to the trifling comment.

  “Yes, that’s right. As for you, Miss Bryce, I’d like to break my dick off in you and teach you a lesson. All that shit you keep talking about ‘limp-dick leprechaun midgets.’ You need to try one from my midget farm on for size.”

  “Look, we don’t have time for your scrawny ass,” Bryce replied. “Give us the key to Room 12—The Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs Suite.” Bryce held out her hand and rubbed her fingers together, waiting for the key.

  “There’s already someone in Room 12 and they asked not to be disturbed!”

  “We know there’s someone in there, doofus,” Lucky lashed out at him. “Just hurry up and give us the damn key. It’s an emergency.”

  “Naw, we don’t allow any orgies or freak shows here at this fine establishment.” Raoul sat down on top of the handbell. “Unless, of course, I can join in.”

  “That’s it!” Harmony had finally heard enough. She pounded the bell again, with him sitting on top of it, and it made his eardrums explode. “Give us the key before I let Bryce slap you with her knee!”

  “Arrrrrrrgh, what are you trying to do? Make me deaf?” He got up from the bell and tethered over to the edge of the counter. “Give me a few to get back down to ground level so I can get the key.”

  “This is bullshit,” Bryce said, crossing her hands in front of her. “Colette is laid up in there with a three-foot dick in her ass and we’re out here arguing with a nucca who buys his clothes at the Baby Gap.”

  “Dick in ass?” Raoul asked excitedly. “Damn, you want me to call the bamalance?”

  “No,” Harmony said. “I just want you to beat it. I’ll get the key myself!”

  “You can’t come behind my counter without permission, but if you ask me nicely, I’ll let you come behind here and then I’ll make you cum behind here, too.”

  Bryce hauled off and plucked him with the tip of her thumb. He went down for the count. “When you wake up, call the bamalance for yourself!”

  Harmony got the key. They were headed out the door when they noticed Lucky was not coming.

  “Lucky!” Harmony hollered. “Forget that damn monster movie and come on. We have to go battle a monster ourselves. A drunk mofo with a leviathan dick who won’t take his telephone pole out Colette’s ass.”

  When they got to Room 12, Bryce stopped dead in her tracks. “Maybe I should go in alone. This could get pretty ugly. She sounded like she was shitting on the phone.”

  “What could be uglier than the things we did to Marvin in Javon’s warehouse?” Lucky asked.

  “Good point.” Bryce nodded in agreement.

  “Get out of my way!” Harmony pushed by them both and slipped the card key with a nude picture of Raoul imprinted on one side into the lock. “I’m not missing this shit for nothing!”

  “I don’t think any of us are going to miss the shit.” Lucky chuckled.

  “Ya’ll are truly sick.” Bryce giggled.

  When they entered the room, it was pitch-black and the alcohol stench was nauseating.

  Bryce reached around for the light switch, turned it on, took one look, then turned it back off. “This is too much for me! I can’t even deal!”

  “Let me see!” Lucky demanded. She went in, turned on the light, then turned it back off. “Hell, I can’t get down like that either!”

  Harmony decided to be the brave one. She cut on the light and left it on. “Colette, you okay?”

  “Damn, she’s passed out cold.” Bryce entered the room and walked toward the bed to try to revive her. Colette had finally passed out cold from the one-trillion-milligram suppository Mandingo had laid on her.

  Lucky looked at the bed. “Damn, is that a crib mattress they fucking on?”

  “Looks like it,” Harmony replied. “Okay, this is more serious than I thought. We’ve got to get him off before her anal muscles are completely destroyed.”

  “Eww,” Lucky said. “Destroyed as in she won’t be able to go to work without shit falling out her ass at her desk?”

  Bryce and Harmony both glanced at Lucky and yelled, “Shut the hell up!”

  “Well, excuse the hell out of me. I’m just trying to be helpful.”

  “Since the mattress is so small, their feet are already hanging over the edge so I suggest we stand them upright and then pull Colette off of him that way,” Bryce proposed.

  Harmony rolled her eyes. “That’s your big plan, huh?”

  “It’s not like you have one,” Bryce hissed.

  “Aiight, let’s do this,” Lucky said.

  It was a big-ass struggle, literally, but they managed to get them upright and lean Mandingo up against the Barbie Dream Playhouse dresser long enough to jimmy his dick out Colette’s ass with a comb out of Lucky’s pocketbook. They slid the comb in, then used it as leverage to get the dick out.

  “This is so nasty. Shit is everywhere and they’re still knocked out,” Bryce commented.

  “I’m going to wash the skin off my hands,” Harmony said, then headed toward the bathroom. The other two followed suit. “Oh, and, Lucky, don’t forget your comb!”

  “Sick ass.” Lucky giggled and they all fell out laughing.

  “I’ve been trying to wake her ass up for ten minutes now,” Bryce said a little while later. “And, no, Harmony, you can’t kick her in the coochie so get that perverted look off your face.”

  “Maybe the fresh air will wake her up,” Lucky suggested.

  “Good idea,” Harmony said. “Let’s wrap her up in this crib sheet and put her in the backseat of my car.”

  “Cool,” Bryce said, “but you might want to cover your backseat with this baby blanket first just in case. Shit happens, you know.”

  “Holy mother of Ex-Lax!” Harmony exclaimed. “Good thinking, Batman!”

  “Ya’ll are so fucking silly.” Lucky chuckled, shaking her head. They all cackled.

  Once they had Colette, crib sheet and all, in the car, Bryce was about to get in the backseat with her against her better judgment when she felt someone kick her in the ankle. She looked down and it was the midget from the leprechaun house party.

  “What do you want, you Lilliputian?”

  “Aw, I remember you! You’re that honie that was sweating all over me at Tony’s mother’s cousin’s husband’s mistress’s house.”

  Bryce rolled her eyes. “You want me to slap you in the face with my knee?”

  “Step up off me, tramp.”

  “Step up off you?” Bryce giggled. “More like step on you, you sorry excuse for a pygmy.”

  He kicked her in the ankle again.

  “That’s it!” Bryce yelled, then kicked some dirt up into his face.

  “You bitch.” He coughed. “You’re in for it now. First, you beat up Raoul and now you’re molesting me. You’re sexually repressed, aren’t you? I’ll be glad to give you some.”

  “Bryce, get in the car so we can go!” Harmony demanded. “Leave his ass here for a skunk to fart in his face!”

  “Hold on a second.” Bryce held up her hand like a crossing guard. She squatted down, looking him in the eye. “First of all, I didn’t beat Raoul up. I plucked him with my thumb. Secondly, I’m not molesting you, but if you kick me again, I’m going to pick you up by the seat of your size-toddler-four pants and dump you in the motel ice chest. Beat it.”r />
  “I see how you’re trying to play me now,” he said, crossing his arms and stomping his size two-and-a-half Stride Rite shoe. “You think just because there’s only one of me, you can talk big shit!”

  “Actually, there’s only one-fourth of you.” Bryce chuckled, getting in the car. “Let’s roll, Harmony!”

  “Oh, shit!” Lucky pointed in the direction of the midget farm across the street. “Look!”

  Bryce and Harmony looked in the direction of Lucky’s finger. Dozens of midgets were running toward them with plastic swords, Super Soakers, and bows and arrows with suction cups at the ends.

  Bryce chuckled. “Oh, wow, it’s the Night of the Killer Lilliputians.”

  “Time to haul ass up out of here,” Harmony said, and screeched out the parking lot just in the nick of time with a plastic arrow stuck to the left taillight.

  A Word from Our Sponsors

  Niagra No More

  Ripuoff Formoney here. I only have a second. They’re about to slap the shackles on me and ship me off to Lorton.

  Just like I suspected, they couldn’t deal with a black man trying to become successful. They busted down my door with a battering ram right while I was in the middle of banging the hell out this honie with a big ole fat, juicy pussy.

  They convicted me without the benefit of a fair trial. Kind of like Marion Barry. The jury had six nuns, three monks, and three homie-sexuals on it that were mad at me because I wouldn’t fuck them in the ass when they rolled past the crib.

  Good thing I’ve been fucking 24/7 because the judge gave me two hundred years to life within the amount of time it takes most people to get out a good fart. Looks like my dick is going to have to go into hibernation for a couple of centuries ’cause I’m not fucking no homie. I don’t care if he looks like Halle Berry and tosses my salad with fat-free blue cheese dressing. Not the kid.

  Damn, here comes the paddy wagon pulling up now. Maybe I should make a run for it. Naw, they’ll just practice their police brutality techniques they learned at the academy on me. I hear they use a Rodney King life-size doll for the demonstrations.

  My boy Alonzo—he’s a Sagittarius in case you’re wondering—is supposed to take over manufacturing Niagra. However, just in case he needs to flee the country because of some trumped up charges the FBI is trying to pin on him, I suggest those of you who have any Niagra in your possession ration the hell out of it.

  Well, here they come up the steps so I guess this is all she wrote for me. Damn, I’m going to miss fucking day and night.

  Listen, for those of you who believe in my innocence, you can send all monetary donations to:

  Ripuoff Formoney’s Legal Defense Fund

  2289 Take Your Ass to the Cleaner’s Boulevard

  Fraudulent, NJ 58211

  They also accept food stamps and cartons of cigarettes. Help a brotha out, aiight? Peace!

  We now return to our regularly scheduled program, Shame on It All, already in progress.

  Part Five

  Drama, Drama Everywhere

  24

  If I Could Stay, I Would

  “Ms. Whitfield, your mother is on line one.”

  Harmony had her head lying on her desk and was holding her stomach, willing the pain to stop, when her secretary’s voice blared over the intercom.

  She managed to sit straight up and press down on the talk button. “Thank you.”

  She took a tissue out of the kente-cloth-covered dispenser on her desk and dried up the few tears that were rolling down her cheeks. Then she cleared her throat and pressed the speakerphone button. “Hello, Momma!”

  “Hey, dear. Are you on a speakerphone?”

  “Yes, Momma.” Harmony reached for her mug of Earl Grey tea and took a sip, but it was hard for her to swallow. She hoped her mother would not talk long because she didn’t know how long she would be able to carry on a conversation without giving herself away.

  “Harmony, what on earth is wrong with you?” Rachelle’s voice took on a tone of urgency and Harmony knew it was too late already. “Are you sick? Pregnant? Do you have the flu?”

  Her mother must have been psychic or something. “No, Momma. I’m just fine. Really.”

  “Hmm, you girls may be clear across the country, but I can always tell when something is wrong with one of my babies.” There was a pause. “Are you sure you’re okay? If you need me to come take care of you, just say the word and I’m on the next plane out of Cali.”

  Harmony cleared her throat again. The last thing she needed was her mother in town. As much as she missed her parents, she dreaded the thought of them treating her like a paraplegic and confining her to bed. Being terminally ill was bad enough, but dealing with the pity of others was something Harmony feared more than dying itself. She had always been an independent black woman who took care of others. They never took care of her and that’s just the way it was.

  “Momma, everything’s just marvelous. Really.”

  “Marvelous, huh?” Rachelle was not buying Harmony’s act at all. She knew better than anyone that harmony only said marvelous when something was wrong. She decided to let well enough alone, figuring Harmony was probably just dealing with some business-related stress and would refuse to discuss it anyway. “What day are you and your sisters coming to the reunion in North Carolina?”

  “The Friday before Labor Day. I haven’t nailed down a time with Bryce and Lucky yet, but I’ll make sure I do it this week.”

  “Oh,” Rachelle said, obviously irritated. “You make sure you do because last year, you girls almost missed the whole reunion because of that crazy boyfriend of Bryce’s and his so-called business trips.”

  “Actually, Momma, Bryce broke up with George a few months ago. She has a new man.”

  “New man?” Harmony braced herself for the drama. She knew what time it was. “Why is Bryce always switching men like she switches weaves?”

  “Momma, that’s not even true,” Harmony stated in Bryce’s defense. She started to tell her that Bryce no longer had a hair weave but decided the looks on her parents’ faces when they saw Bryce without one would be priceless. “Bryce was with George for at least two years, maybe longer.”

  “Maybe so, but it seems like she’s too fast for her britches to me.”

  Harmony couldn’t help but giggle at her mother’s old-fashioned expression. “Well, I might as well tell you that Lucky has a new man, too.”

  Silence.

  “Momma?”

  “I’m still here.” Harmony could hear her taking deep breaths and pictured her rolling her eyes while she pondered the thought of Lucky with a man, any man. “I hope he’s not a hoodlum. I already know the one Bryce has is a hoodlum because that’s all she dates. Hoodlums and playas.”

  Harmony laughed out loud. “Momma, what do you know about playas?”

  “I know enough. We had dogs back in the day. Your daddy thought he was one until I threatened to kick him to the curb.” Rachelle started giggling and they both shared a good chuckle. “Just remember, I have more wisdom than all you girls put together.”

  “First of all, we’re not little girls anymore. We’re all grown women. I’m very proud of the way Bryce and Lucky have flourished over the past few years.” Harmony began to realize how Lucky felt when Harmony called her part of the younger generation because she dreaded their mother using the term girls. “Secondly, Lucky’s boyfriend, Robbie, attends the same medical school. I personally think they make a great couple. You’ve got to let her grow up sometime, Momma.”

  “And what about this new beau of Bryce’s?”

  “His name is Troy and I think Bryce may have finally met her soul mate. I even invited him over to the house for dinner, and he’s been playing golf with Zachary a lot.”

  Rachelle sighed. “Does he have a job?”

  “Yes, he does, believe it or not. He owns his own auto dealership and makes a very good living.”

  Rachelle had to give up the battle on that one and reserve final j
udgment for a later date. “They bringing those boys to the reunion so we can all get a look at them?”

  “They’re bringing the men to the reunion and don’t worry. You and Daddy will have plenty of chances to interrogate them both.”

  Rachelle chuckled. “Harmony, you are a mess!”

  “How’s Daddy?” Harmony thought about her dad and how he spent so much time toiling a farm that let him down on so many occasions.

  “Chester is Chester and you know how Chester is” was her mother’s only reply.

  “Yes, I know how he is. I also know you love every minute with him.”

  “What can I say? You got me on that one. I love my man. I just hope you all end up in happy marriages like the one your daddy and I have.”

  “We will, Momma.” Harmony’s attitude began to get somber again. She knew she would never have the opportunity to get married or watch either one of her younger sisters walk down the aisle. “We will.”

  “How’s my baby boy, Zachary?” Rachelle took another deep breath. Harmony pictured her getting up off the hunter green recliner in their living room and moving around the house, keeping herself busy as she talked. “You know he’s my heart!”

  “Zachary’s wonderful, as always!” The pain started to kick in again. “Momma, I have a meeting in a few minutes so I really have to go. I’ll call you later this week when I know the exact time we should arrive.”

  “Okay, but make sure you do.”

  “I will. I promise.”

  Rachelle hesitated, then added, “Now you know your daddy isn’t going to let you and those boys sleep together at your grandma’s house? Separate bedrooms until you all get the rings on your fingers.”

  Harmony rolled her eyes and sighed. They always had this same conversation. “Momma, all of us will be staying at the Holiday Inn down on Route 20, so don’t worry about that.”

  “Can’t even go without sex for a couple of days, huh? Shame on it all!”

  Harmony gawked at that one. “Let me run, Momma.”

  “One more thing.” Harmony wondered what could possibly be next. “Don’t you think I’ve forgotten that my precious baby is turning thirty in November. Your daddy and I want to throw you a big birthday bash here on the farm, so make sure you clear your calendar for it, as well as your sisters’.”