Broken Dreams (Delos Series Book 4)

by Lindsay McKenna

  Robert nodded, watching his daughter. “That job will always be there, Alexa, and I agree with your decision to decommission yourself from the Air Force.”

  “Good, Dad, because I’ve given this a lot of thought.”

  Dilara leaned forward, reaching out, touching her daughter’s knee. “We’d love to have you home, Alexa. Then we wouldn’t have to worry . . .”

  Grimacing, Alexa whispered, “I know, Mom. I know the three of us have really made you worry nonstop about us. None of us has a safe job.”

  “When you come home,” Robert asked, “what would you like to do, Alexa?”

  “You probably think this is silly, but I really want to go to our cabin in the Smoky Mountains. I need time to get my head wrapped around what’s happened to me.”

  “Sweetheart, you just tell us what you need and it’s yours,” he said, his voice layered with emotion. “You can stay there for as long as you want. There’s no rush for you to join Artemis. You need to focus on yourself first.”

  Relief raced through Alexa. “Really? You wouldn’t mind?” She searched her parents’ faces.

  “Of course not,” Dilara whispered, choking up. “You know what you need for your healing, Alexa. It’s important that you listen to that small voice inside you.”

  “Anything else?” Robert asked.

  Alexa sighed and wrung her fingers. “I know I haven’t told you much about Gage and me . . .”

  “We see how much you care for one another,” Dilara said gently. “And he’s been so good for you, Alexa.”

  “Yes,” she said in a whisper, afraid, but knowing she had to ask. She turned to her father. “I know this is impossible, Dad, but if I could have one wish, it would be to have Gage with me while I’m at the cabin. He helps me so much. He listens to me, and I can talk to him.” She gulped, realizing she’d said it wrong, her own feelings a morass. “I mean—”

  Robert smiled a little. “We know what you mean, Alexa. We understand. That young man has been with you before, during, and after your capture. Right now, he’s a lynchpin in your life and recovery.”

  Her shoulders sagged and she gave them a grateful look. “I’m just telling you how I feel right now. What feels right for me.”

  “And we want you to stay there,” Dilara told her firmly. She looked at her husband. “Robert, can you help get Gage out of Bagram so he can be with Alexa?”

  “First,” Alexa said quickly, “I need to speak to Gage about this. I’m not even sure he’d want to do it. Okay?”

  “Then speak with him. What I can do is make some inquiries and see if it’s possible.”

  Alexa chewed on her lower lip, frowning. “I know it’s impossible.”

  Robert shrugged. “Impossible is something I work with every day of the week.” He gave her a slight smile. “But first, let’s see if Gage would want to do this.”

  “Absolutely,” Alexa agreed.

  “Do you want to call Major Donahue and tell her you want to decommission?” Robert asked her.

  “Yes, I’ll do that.”

  “I’ll have my staff bring over the papers for you to sign later. This might take a few days, but it should be painless.”

  “Then,” Dilara said, “could you fly back with us? Would you like that? Or would you rather do it another way?”

  Wrinkling her nose, she said, “I’d much rather fly back with you. I’m not ready for a C-5 cargo plane or a commercial flight. I feel too fragile, Mom. I feel like I don’t have any skin to protect me right now.”

  Robert rose. “Then, baby girl, you’ll come home with us.”

  It sounded so good to Alexa. So much weight began to dissolve from her shoulders. Tears sprang to her eyes, and she forced them away. Her voice was low and off-key. “Thanks, Dad, Mom. You have no idea how freeing this feels to me . . .”

  Dilara made a soft sound as she rose, touching her shoulder, moved by her daughter’s fragility. “You’re made of strong stuff, Alexa. We’ll help you all we can. All you need to do is ask us, and we’ll be there for you. You don’t have to go through this alone. You have family who loves you so much.”

  Alexa reached out, gripping her mother’s soft hand, needing her support. “Thanks, Mom. Thanks for understanding. I was afraid . . . well . . . afraid you wouldn’t . . .”

  Dilara shook her head, giving her a warm, loving look. “What has happened to you is so outside your reality, Alexa. No woman ever thinks she’ll be kidnapped and suddenly be thrown into a living hell. We think you’re doing amazingly well, considering everything.”

  She closed her eyes for a moment, clinging to her mother’s hand, desperately needing her love and care right now. “I just didn’t want to hurt you by wanting to go to the cabin instead of staying home with you, Mom.” She searched her mother’s incredible aquamarine eyes, which were now filled with tears.

  “You’re a grown woman, Alexa. You have control over your life as you see fit. We’re not hurt at all. Your dad and I want only to support you in ways that you need. That’s all, okay?” She tilted her head, smiling into Alexa’s clouded eyes, smoothing a few strands of hair away from her temple.

  Alexa slid her arm around her mother’s slender waist, hugging her. “I love you so much,” she said, her voice quavering. “I don’t know what I’d have done without you coming . . . being here . . .”

  Lightly, Dilara placed her arm around Alexa’s shoulders. “You are so loved, darling girl. Our whole family prays daily for you. They want to see you, but they understand why you need this time to yourself. When you feel like it, they’ll fly over to see you, but I don’t want you to feel any pressure about this, okay?”

  “Tell my uncles and cousin Angelo that I love them all dearly. It’s just that right now, I can’t handle a lot of people, Mom.”

  “They completely understand,” Dilara said, squeezing her just a little bit, aware of her painful back injuries. “But I think that when you go to our cabin in the Smokies, they would love to send you over some Turkish food.”

  Laughing a little, Alexa sat up, giving her mother an affectionate look. “I’d love that. It would be wonderful . . .” She saw her mother’s expression fill with hope. Alexa knew how devastated they were over what had happened to her. “I’m sure Uncle Berk is dying to send over a banquet for me.”

  She chuckled. “Well, between you and me, they’re waiting eagerly to hear what you’d like. They each have a chef, and they’ve been sending me emails about having your favorite Turkish foods made and sending them here to Bagram, but I begged them to wait just a bit longer until things were sorted out.”

  Smiling tentatively, Alexa whispered, “I love them so much, Mom. Maybe once I get to the cabin I’ll email them.”

  “Don’t do anything except what your heart tells you, Alexa. I can always email them myself. We want you to heal. We want to give you whatever it is that you want. All right?”

  Alexa felt warmth beneath her mother’s quietly spoken words. The love in her eyes for her soothed her anxiety. Alexa hated feeling apprehensive all the time, no matter who was around. The only person who calmed her and kept fears at bay was Gage. And really, she needed to talk with him. Alexa wasn’t sure Gage would want to leave Bagram to be with her even if he could. Yet she saw the care for her in his eyes.

  What would he say? It ratcheted up her agitation even more, because in her heart, she needed him more than anyone else. And Alexa saw no way for the Marine Corps to simply let Gage go and come home to her. It seemed like an impossible dream.

  CHAPTER 18

  Gage was late seeing Alexa. He knocked lightly at her door and eased in. It was nearly 1000 and he’d overslept, something he never did, but it revealed how stressed he was. Now he saw Alexa with her laptop on her lap, sitting in a chair beside her bed.

  “Hey,” she called, giving him a soft smile of welcome.

  Gage nodded and closed the door. “Sorry I’m late. I overslept.”

  Alexa patted the chair next to her. “I think we’r
e all a little fried over this, don’t you?”

  He grimaced and sat down, pulling the chair around so he could face her. “You’re probably right. How are you doing this morning?”

  “Well,” she began, closing the laptop and setting it on the rolling tray table next to her, “my parents visited me earlier. I’ve got a lot of decisions to make, Gage.” She held his concerned gaze. He was dressed for winter, his knit cap between his long, spare hands—hands she ached to have touch her.

  “Okay,” he murmured. “What happened?” He could see the worry in Alexa’s eyes. She had wrapped her hair up into a red mass on her head, the strands caressing her temples. Sensing change, he tried to appear relaxed. If he tensed up, he knew Alexa would get tense, too. She read him pretty well, and his job, as he saw it, was to reduce stress for her, not amp it up.

  Taking a deep breath, she told him about her decision. He frowned when she then said, “But there’s more, Gage, and it involves you directly.”

  He listened carefully, seeing hesitation, fear, and yearning in her eyes. “You know I’d do anything to help you, Alexa. Just tell me,” he urged quietly.

  “My dad asked me if I wanted anything else besides going to our cabin in the Smokies. I told him yes, that I wanted you there with me.”

  If an RPG had gone off next to Gage, he couldn’t have been any more shocked. He sat up, rubbing his hands on his trousers. “Seriously?”

  “Yes, seriously.” Giving him a pleading look, she whispered unsteadily, “Look, I know we haven’t known one another that long, but I feel such a wonderful connection with you, Gage. The cabin has three bedrooms. You could stay with me, just for a little while, couldn’t you? You have no idea how much you’ve helped me . . .”

  “I’d do it, Alexa,” he offered heavily, “but my captain isn’t going to let me just walk away from my deployment. I don’t see how I could. It’s not that I don’t want to—I do.” He shook his head, feeling stonewalled by the military system. His heart and soul were with her. He never wanted their connection to end. He wanted it to continue to grow and flourish.

  “You’d come for a visit, then, if you could?”

  “Of course.” In a heartbeat, he thought. But he bit back the words. Gage had no idea how she’d feel about him falling in love with her. There was just too much on her plate to go there yet. He saw relief come over her. “But I don’t know how it could happen, Alexa, I really don’t.”

  “I don’t either,” she admitted, her lips quirking. “My dad said he’d see what he could do to make it happen if you did want to hang around me for a little while longer.”

  Gage realized Alexa had no idea he loved her. They’d kissed, yes. He’d held her. He’d cared for her. There was no reason for him to go there, not with the trauma she was presently wrestling with. It wasn’t the right time to broach his growing feelings for her, his dream built from the shattered pieces from his past. Alexa made him want to dream again of a future—with her. Gage was so damned scared, but he had to try. She inspired him, whether she knew it or not. “If your dad can arrange a miracle, I’d come visit you, Alexa.”

  Never had Gage wanted anything quite this bad, but he saw no possible way to overcome the military machine to make it happen. Yet, he saw such optimism in Alexa’s eyes that he didn’t want to be a wet blanket and dash her hopes.

  “Look,” he said evenly, holding her gaze, “I think the time alone will help you. You’re already starting to climb out of the cellar from your shock, Alexa. Even if I can’t make it, you’ll be all right.”

  She nodded and tucked her lower lip between her teeth, trying to be brave. She saw the desire in Gage’s eyes, heard his emotions so close to the surface as he spoke to her. “When is your enlistment up?”

  “June of this year.” He gave a painful shrug. “And I don’t have any leave coming, either. I already thought of that, but my leave is used up, so I couldn’t get out of here by using it.”

  It seemed hopeless. And he saw her begin to accept the reality of their situation. His heart wrenched, because there was nothing more that Gage wanted than to be there to support Alexa. It didn’t matter if she loved him or not. Gage was already accepting that possible reality. He knew there would never be another woman like Alexa in his life. Not ever. She was so damned special.

  “Well,” she offered, “let my dad see what he can find out.”

  “Sure,” he murmured. Already, Gage could feel her being slowly torn away from him. Alexa needed a friend, someone she could talk to, someone who would listen with his heart. He was all those things to her and Gage knew it. Every kiss they’d shared was like heaven visiting him. He’d felt her warmth, tasted her sweetness, dreamed of so much more with Alexa. But it was slipping through his fingers and Gage accepted the bitter reality of it all. Her father was powerful, no question, but even he had limits on his authority.

  “What will you do when you get to the cabin?” Gage wanted to detour her because he saw how crestfallen Alexa was as she realized what they had to overcome to be together.

  “I want to read, to draw.” She gave a small shrug. “I love to paint. I’m going to get my canvases and oil paints and take them up with me.”

  He smiled a little. “I didn’t know you were an artist.”

  “Oh,” Alexa protested, holding up her hands, “I’m not very good at all. I just love to put color to canvas. That’s about it.”

  His smile widened. He ached to take Alexa in his arms and love her until she melted through him. “Do you have any of them on your cell phone?”

  “No,” she said, a faint smile coming to her lips. “I would never brag about them, believe me. I’m more like a third grader with poster paints.”

  “Well, I’d still like to see them. What else will you do while you’re up there?”

  “Take photos. I’m much better with a camera than I am with paints, believe me.” She sat back, becoming nostalgic. “I was thinking I could go out when the winter weather wasn’t too bad and take photos of nature, then bring them back to the cabin and maybe try painting some of them. I guess I need time to just be, Gage.”

  He knew that one too well. “I understand that. I really do.” At thirteen, he’d been lost. So damned lost. And he had his mother to take care of in the aftermath. Gage had never had a time when he could do what Alexa would do—go away, escape the world for a while, and just get himself slowly back together again.

  “Let’s keep our fingers crossed, then,” she said, holding his gaze. “If anyone can work a miracle, Dad can.”

  *

  Alexa tried not to cry when her father told her there was no way to break Gage free so he could go home with her. He’d already told Gage privately over at his barracks what the captain of the unit had said. She’d known he had no leave coming; it could have been granted to him if he had. It was the only legal route.

  “You tried, Dad.” She mustered a look that convinced him she wasn’t upset with the decision.

  He came over to where she stood by her hospital bed and gave her a careful embrace, kissing her temple. “I’m sorry. I know how much Gage means to you, Alexa,” he said heavily, releasing her, looking deep into her eyes.

  “It’s okay,” she managed. She saw her mother looking so sad, standing with her hands clasping her black purse. “It’s all right . . . I still want to go to our cabin.”

  “Of course,” he said. “Tomorrow morning at 0800 we’ll leave Bagram. Your CO told me that the papers are ready for your signature. They’re sending over someone this afternoon so you can sign them. Then”—he managed a slight smile—“you’ll be a civilian again.”

  “And you can come home,” Dilara said softly, giving her a loving look. “I know Tal can hardly wait to see you.”

  Her heart twisted and turned in her chest. Struggling to put on a brave face for her parents, her voice broke a little. “Yes, I’m more than ready to get out of here.” Because only bad memories came with this place now, Matt had to stay behind, but his enlistme
nt would be up shortly, and he’d be home with her, too. She’d have her family once again. The only thing she would miss would be Gage. She barely clung to what little returning strength she had, wanting to sob her heart out over his being torn out of her life at a time when she desperately needed what he gave her.

  “We’ve got some people packing up all your clothes and other items over at your B-hut,” Robert told her. “They’ll be shipped home, so you don’t need to worry about that.”

  Everything seemed heavy and gray to her, and Alexa realized it was depression or something akin to it. She felt her parents’ worry because Gage couldn’t be with her. “That’s great, Dad. Thank you.” She nervously moved her laptop to the bed. “Is it possible to see Gage one last time before I leave?”

  “I’m sure it is. I’ll make a call over to his captain.”

  “I-I’d like to have dinner with him tonight.”

  “I’ll see that he’s cut loose to come over here.”

  Alexa held herself together until her parents left, and then she crawled up on the hospital bed, sobbing into the pillow so no one could hear her.

  *

  Gage felt as if there were prison bars around his heart, squeezing it until his chest was suffused with pain. He’d gotten cleaned up as best he could before coming over to have dinner with Alexa. Stopping at a shop on base, he found a few red roses that were past their prime, but that was all they had to sell. He’d bought some gold foil wrapping paper and a bright green ribbon, and put the stems in a plastic baggie so they had some water. It wasn’t much, he realized with a sinking heart. Alexa deserved healthy, strong red roses, not these. Given that the base was out in the middle of godforsaken nowhere, he was lucky to have found any at all.

  Taking pains, he’d trimmed his beard so it looked neat, not scruffy. He’d gone to one of the barbers on the base and had his hair trimmed, too. Tonight, he wore civilian clothes, chinos and a polo shirt. Over them, he wore his leather jacket. It was colder than hell out, and snowflakes were starting to fall. By midday tomorrow, a snowstorm would arrive. He was glad that Alexa was leaving in the morning, because when the snow hit, the base would still be operating 24/7. He tried to calm his angst about Alexa, unsure of where she would be emotionally, he knocked on her door.