Broken Dreams (Delos Series Book 4)

by Lindsay McKenna

  “That sounds like a good plan,” Dilara whispered, her voice trembling. “I was so afraid . . . so afraid she’d hate all men after what happened to her.”

  “Sometimes, Mrs. Culver that does happen. You never know how a woman is going to respond to sexual violation.”

  “So you feel Sergeant Hunter is central to Alexa’s healing?” Robert asked.

  “I think you’d better ask Alexa that . . . I’d tread carefully, General. If you ask her what she needs, she’ll tell you. Just follow it up with other questions until she can define what will make her feel as if she’s in a healing environment of her choosing. Take it from there.”

  “Thank you, Major, you’ve been more help than you know,” Robert said, standing, reaching across the desk, shaking her hand.

  Jill stood. “You’re welcome, sir.” She gave Dilara a kind look as she rose from the chair. “It might be a good idea if you two received some counseling, too. Alexa may not be the same person you know for a while, as she goes through the gauntlet of healing. Do also contact your local rape crisis center. They always have psychologists and psychiatrists who volunteer and are on hand to help the partner or family of the rape survivor.”

  *

  Dilara walked beside her husband as they reentered the Bagram hospital by the main doors. It was nearly nightfall. She halted just inside the hospital, looking up at her husband. “What do you think, Robert?”

  He grimaced. “I think we need to ask Alexa what she wants to do. If it were up to me, I’d tell her to decommission herself from the Air Force right now. That way, we could fly her to the U.S., and she could get on with her life.”

  “I was thinking the same thing,” Dilara said. She pulled off her leather gloves, stuffing them into the pockets of her black wool coat. “And I really want to talk to a rape crisis counselor. We are obviously behind the curve on what to do to help Alexa.”

  “Yeah,” he grunted, “no question about it. I’d give my right arm to get her home. I hope like hell she’ll leave the Air Force and come home. Let’s see what she thinks. We may be surprised.”

  CHAPTER 17

  “Gage!”

  He grinned a hello in Alexa’s direction, slipping inside her room. “Hey, I just got cut loose from my unit. How are you doing?”

  He saw that she was sitting on top of the bed, which was made. Her parents had obviously brought her some clothes from home. Instead of wearing a green hospital gown, she was in a pair of loose, flowing black jersey pants and a soft pink long-sleeved T-shirt of the same material that brought out the natural blush in her cheeks. On her feet was a pair of thick, black wool socks and a pair of black corduroy slippers.

  Her eyes looked much less murky than they had the last time he’d been with her.

  Alexa slipped to the side of her bed, her legs hanging over it as Gage’s smile warmed her to the depths of her heart. “A little better,” she whispered, opening her arms, wanting—needing—him, his nearness, his scent, that smile that let light chase away the darkness that inhabited her. She wasn’t disappointed as he halted and folded her gently into his arms, kissing her cheek, nuzzling his face into her hair, which lay around her shoulders.

  “Mmm,” he growled, “I’ve missed the hell out of you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be here any sooner.”

  It was so easy for Alexa to sag into Gage’s arms, lean against his hard, strong body, and allow him to hold her. “I missed you,” she said, her voice muffled against his chest. “So much . . .”

  She smelled clean this time. He picked up the sweet scent of rose soap on her skin and the light fragrance of almond oil in the strands of her shining red hair. Easing away from Alexa, he barely held back the words “I’m falling in love with you” as he framed her face with his hands, drowning in her eyes, which reflected love, he hoped, for him. Gage wanted it to be love, but wasn’t sure. Hell, he’d felt it in that subtle joy emanating from her. For the first time since her capture, some of the old Alexa had returned. It made him feel humble, because he hadn’t been sure he’d ever see that woman again. “You smell good,” Gage muttered, smiling down at her, brushing her lips with his, hearing that sweet sound of pleasure in the back of her throat as he deepened his exploratory kiss against her soft, eager mouth. This time, for the first time since getting kidnapped, Alexa returned his kiss with such aching tenderness that his closed eyes filled with tears.

  Gage didn’t kid himself. He had been inwardly holding his breath since getting her out of that cave complex. He’d worried that Alexa had been forever changed, afraid that he would lose her before he had a chance to claim her heart and make her a permanent part of his life. Gage knew it was a fool’s dream, knew he wasn’t worthy of Alexa, but he was willing to try.

  Instead, as he eased from her wet lips, tasting the hot chocolate she’d drunk earlier, the woman he was falling in love with had surfaced. He didn’t know for how long, or even if it would last, but for this one magical moment, he absorbed her, never wanting to let her go.

  “You know,” he began, his voice roughened as he smoothed his thumbs across her warm, velvet cheeks, “I always told myself I wasn’t worthy of someone like you.”

  He saw her brows draw down.

  “How could you think that, Gage?”

  He didn’t want to burden her with his miserable childhood. Instead, he lifted her hand, pressing a kiss to the back of it. “To me, you’re a beautiful goddess come to earth, and I’ve fallen at your feet, lost in your eyes, the laughter in your voice . . . and me, I’m just a mere mortal . . .”

  “You’re a hero in my eyes, Gage,” she whispered, reaching out, touching his bearded face. He was wearing his Marine winter uniform cammos, a dark green T-shirt, and over it was a bulky, warm tan-colored jacket. He smelled of cold air and desert. “My dad told me earlier that he got those charges removed.”

  “Yeah,” he chuckled. “I’m a free man again. My CO’s glad, believe me.”

  She frowned. “When do you have to go out on an op again, Gage?”

  “There’s a blizzard coming in, so I don’t think I’ll be assigned to go anywhere. For now, I just have to be on call. My CO has given me orders to stay with you, which was a shock. I think your dad got to him.”

  She nodded, holding his hand. “My dad is pretty persuasive when he wants to be.”

  “He’s got general’s stars to back him up, too.” Gage lifted his hand, smoothing her hair away from her face. “You look nice in these clothes. Not the Air Force officer, but a young lady lounging around instead.”

  “My mom brought these.” She touched the black jersey trousers. “I love this fabric. It’s comfy and warm.”

  “How’s your back doing?” He saw Alexa’s eyes grow a little cloudy, knowing the question dragged up the event for her. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked. He didn’t want to hurt her all over again.

  “Better. It still smarts and burns, but I slept through the night and never woke up, so that’s progress. Could you tell me what it looks like?”

  Gage nodded and gently eased the jersey fabric about a third of the way up her back. Leaning down, he said, “It doesn’t look as swollen, Alexa. It’s a lot more colorful today, purple, blue, and violet.” He brought the fabric down, smoothing it across her hips. Rage simmered in him. He wanted to kill the bastard who’d done this to her.

  “That’s good,” she said, nodding. “I haven’t let my mom or dad look at my back yet.” She chewed on her lower lip. “I’m afraid they’ll get really upset.”

  Gage grazed her cheek with his fingers. “Listen, you do whatever feels right and comfortable, okay?” He somberly searched her lowered gaze. He ached to hold Alexa, curl her up beside him and just hold her. “Have you eaten yet?”

  “No . . .”

  “Tired of hospital food yet?” he teased, giving her a slight smile. It felt like Alexa had run out of energy already and was once more cycling down into what he silently called hell, that emotional garbage pit of terror, anxiety, and God knew what else
that boiled inside her. One moment, she was like her old self, bright and positive. And just as swiftly, Gage saw her lose that battle with the trauma as it swept through her once again. He cupped her jaw. “You need to eat, sweetheart. Will you try for me?”

  Rallying, she sighed and looked up into his shadowed face. “I know . . . it’s just been so rough . . . first, there was Dr. Griffin, which brought back so much of what happened to me in the cave, Gage. I couldn’t stop crying while she examined me.”

  “I’m so sorry. But it’s over. Dr. Griffin got what she needed for her report, so it’s not happening again.”

  “The flight surgeon, Major Donahue, was in here this morning. That was grueling. Two hours. I was so emotionally wrung out when she was done asking me question after question.”

  Gage smoothed his fingers down her cheek. When Alexa laid her cheek in his open palm, he felt a lump forming in his throat. She was fragile once again, so breakable. Gently, he kissed her lips, wanting desperately to infuse her with his energy, his love.

  “We’ll take this an hour at a time, Alexa.”

  She lifted her chin, staring at him. “What will happen to you, Gage? I-I know you can’t leave Bagram, and I have a feeling I’ll be leaving very soon. I told the flight surgeon I couldn’t fly right now.” She held up her hands, and he saw a slight tremor in them. She said, in a choked voice, “I’m not fit to fly . . .”

  Hearing the pain in her voice, knowing what it cost her to admit it, Gage placed his hands on her firm thighs. “No one could, Alexa. No one,” he said, and captured her hands, bringing them to his chest, pressing her palms against his shirt. “Did the flight surgeon give you any help? Things that could assist you through this?”

  “Yeah, some things,” she said absently.

  “Like?” he coaxed. Alexa was struggling not to cry again. He knew she hated crying, thinking it was a sign of weakness, but Gage knew differently. He’d cried buckets of tears after the murder of Jen and his father. He’d never wept so much in his life, and it would hit him out of the blue in the most unexpected times and places. He was seeing the same pattern in Alexa.

  Grief, he realized, had its own way with each person, and Alexa had lost so much of herself in that cave that she had every right to grieve.

  Alexa shakily wiped away the tears falling down her cheeks. “S-she asked me what I wanted to do. What I felt in my heart and gut that would help me heal.” Her lips twisted, glistening with tears.

  “And what did you tell her?” It hurt Gage so damned much to see those tears continue to well up in her large, beautiful hazel eyes. Gage remembered back to when Alexa would laugh, her eyes shining the color of spring willow leaves and the gold of sunlight. He didn’t see much of either of those colors now.

  Sniffing, she whispered, “My family owns a beautiful, rustic cabin in the Smoky Mountains. I love the mountains, Gage. I love their quiet, their solitude. My family would go there during July and August of every year, on weekends, because it was so miserably hot and humid in Washington, D.C.”

  “Sounds nice,” he murmured. “Tell me about this special place.” He could hear a slender thread of hope in her hoarse voice as she spoke about it. Gage knew if she could go home, go to that cabin, that it would support her healing. Alexa needed peace and quiet. She couldn’t handle the daily challenges of life yet.

  She reached for a tissue, blowing her nose and wiping it. Holding the crushed tissue between her hands, she said, “It sits back off a four-hundred-foot cliff, up near the top of a mountain. I guess I love it because it’s so out of the way, so quiet. When I was there, I always felt like I was being pumped full of energy, I felt so alive when I was in that place. That’s why it’s so special to me.”

  “Sounds like a healing place for you,” he said.

  “That’s what the flight surgeon said. She was really a nice woman, Gage, very understanding. She felt the woods and the mountains could work their magic on me.” Alexa gave a halfhearted shrug. “I don’t know what the flight surgeon is going to recommend in her report on me. If I stay here, I’ll be grounded and probably run the Ops desk over at the fixed-wing terminal.”

  “Are there any other options? Did she suggest a woman therapist who might be able to help you through this?”

  “She said she’d recommend therapy.” Grimacing, Alexa said, “That’s going to be a death knell to my career in the Air Force, Gage. I won’t get any higher rank because of that. There’s such a prejudice against a pilot seeking out counseling or therapy.”

  Gage knew the military system, and he knew Alexa was right. Anyone, enlisted or officer, who had psychological issues noted in their personnel file was dead in the water. They wouldn’t get early rank and sometimes were overlooked for a higher rank because of the prejudice the military had against people who needed counseling. His mouth turned down, he saw the defeat in Alexa’s eyes.

  “You do need help,” he said gently, holding her gaze. “I know I feel like I’m floundering with you, sometimes, Alexa. I want to help you. I wish I had some kind of knowledge or training about how to be there for you instead of saying or doing the wrong thing.”

  “You’ve been so good to me, Gage, so patient.” Her voice shook with tears. “If you hadn’t been here for me now, I-I don’t know that I could have come this far. I know I have to be strong, and I have to fight to get over this, but right now I’m coming down off a cliff I thought I was going to be pushed over. I thought I was going to Pakistan for a life as a sex slave.” She swallowed hard, her eyes bruised with anguish. “Do you know how scared I was? How helpless I felt?”

  He shook his head, giving her an apologetic look. “I’m trying to put myself in your shoes, but as much as I want to, I can’t. And that’s what has me scared. Scared that I’m going to scar you more than you’ve already been.” He moved his hands slowly up and down her arms, holding her tearful gaze. “I hurt for you so much. I want to take away your suffering, Alexa, but I don’t know how.”

  Hearing his words, low with emotion, Alexa felt such a rush of love for Gage that she couldn’t speak. He gripped her upper arms, staring at her, his mouth contorted, anguish in his eyes. She leaned forward, resting her brow against his shoulder, feeling his arms lightly embrace her, his mouth near her cheek, his breath unsteady. She could feel the rise and fall of his chest, feel him wrestling with so many barely held emotions. He was hurting as much for her as she was for herself.

  The realization was poignant, strengthening Alexa deep inside, her heart opening completely to him. Gage was so unselfish, and so damned giving to her, without thought or care for himself. He’d been that way in the cave, too, putting his own life on the line for all of them. The strain in his voice shook her as little else could. If Alexa had ever questioned his care for her, she never would again.

  They’d not spoken about possibly falling in love with one another. They’d not broached the subject. How could they? They’d known one another for all of four days! Tears cascaded down her drawn cheeks, and she licked her lips, tasting their salt. Resting her hand against his chest, she said, her voice quavering, “You’ve given me back hope, Gage. I thought I’d lost it. I never thought I’d ever have it again.”

  He kissed her temple. “I want to give you everything. I’m not going to let this event define us. I won’t. It’s something we have to get through together, one step at a time . . .”

  *

  The next morning, Alexa was grateful when her parents brought her a real breakfast from the cafeteria. She looked forward to being with them, but seeing the strain of the situation on both their faces made her feel guilty.

  “Do you know where Gage is?” she asked them. Last night, the three of them had visited her and she’d loved having them with her. Gage was still uncomfortable with her father, who was in uniform. She understood how he felt. Her father had treated him not as a Marine Corps sergeant, but as if he were a friend of the family, and little by little, Gage had responded to the new relationship her father was
offering him.

  She hadn’t told them how much Gage meant to her. The topic hadn’t come up yet. But they did know the key role he had played in rescuing her and the other abducted women. He was a bona fide hero to Alexa, now and forever.

  After breakfast, her father rose from the chair, took all their emptied trays, and stacked them nearby. He pulled out a paper from his briefcase and gave it to Alexa. “This is the flight surgeon’s report.”

  Her heart dropped as she took it. “You’ve read it already?”

  “Yes.” Robert sat down. “But you need to read it, and then we’ll talk.”

  Alexa rapidly scanned the two-page report from Major Jill Donahue. Her heart sank and her stomach clenched. The bottom line was that Alexa was grounded for three months. She would run flight scheduling at ops here at Bagram and the major would retest her after the three month period to see if she was ready for flight duty or not.

  Setting the report aside, she crossed her legs on top of her bed. This morning, she wore a pair of loose jeans and a pink mock turtleneck sweater. “This is what I expected,” she told her parents. She saw her father nod, his mouth set.

  Dilara looked at her daughter. “What do you want to do, Alexa? We’ll support you no matter what your decision is. You know that.”

  She rubbed her brow, trying to gather her thoughts. Since her capture, her mind had felt like it was off its tracks. Major Donahue said it was the cortisol in her bloodstream caused by anxiety, and in time, she told her, it would stop. Lifting her chin, she looked at them.

  “I was going to turn in my commission to the Air Force in March anyway. It’s mid-January.” She opened her hands. “I think I want to turn in my commission now. I’d like to go home. I have a job waiting for me, one that I want. I know I can impact the lives of other women and children who need our help.”