Finding Callan

by Quell T Fox

  Five minutes. Your brain can go five minutes without oxygen before serious damage takes place. Sometimes sooner. How long as it been? 30 seconds? Two minutes? Ten?

  The grip tightens on my throat and I try to think, but I can’t focus over the burning sensation in my chest. I throw my arms up, going for the face. I get one good scratch and he sits straight up and out of my reach. I grab at anything around me. My hand lands on a pillow and I whack him with it, hoping it’ll stop him. When he doesn’t budge, I’m sure that I’m done for. This is my last moment of life. I reach over to my left and grab at the nightstand for something, anything that I can use to defend myself. Anything to live another day.

  CHAPTER 18

  Callan

  After getting Friday settled into bed, I took the most needed shower of my existence. I didn’t let her know how much it bothered me sitting in that bathroom, waiting for her to finish so I could take my turn. She was just as messed up as I was, and she needed it just as much. As soon as that door shut, I ran straight to the bathroom. The thought of Maddox stopping me to talk crossed my mind, and I’m not violent but at this moment, punching him would happen. Anything to get to the bathroom. I pulled off what was left of my clothing and jumped into the shower before the water was able to get hot again. If someone was listening, they’d think I were having an orgasm – or five – in here. Watching the dirt run down my body both satisfies and disgusts me all at the same time.

  I stand under the hot spray of water for an uncountable amount of time. As I wash myself, my hand runs over the thick scar on my stomach. The same way it does every time I shower. I don’t know when or why it happened, but it’s somehow become a habit. A horrible reminder of where I came from. I wash myself twice and consider washing a third time, but I know that’s overkill.

  A naked Friday flashes through my mind. The gorgeous curve of her hips, the porcelain shade of her flawless skin. How badly I wanted to take her in that moment. Her beauty is beyond words, but I couldn’t. There is not enough energy left in either of us for that now. I wish I could have opened up to her more, opened up about how messed up my dad really was. About how part of the reason that I am still a virgin is because… I have a fear of naked women, because of him. Before today, the only other woman I saw naked was my mother. Not by my choice, or by hers. The thoughts terrify me. I push those memories away, because they don’t matter. I won’t let my father mess up my life any more than he already has. Friday is not my mother. She wants to be here. If she gets undressed in front of me, if she kisses me, it’s because she wants to. Not because she is being forced into it. I have to remind myself the same. This is everything that I want, not some horrible situation that is being forced on me. This is real.

  I remind myself that my father is dead, and that he can no longer hurt me. But the memories will haunt me for the rest of my life. The things he forced me to do, the things he forced my mother to do… I stopped looking at him as human at some point. The night I got this scar. That’s when my father turned into a monster, and all he did after that night is live up to that until the day he died. Did I care when I found out he died? Not really, no. I was relieved, and at that I was ashamed. It took me too long to accept my feelings as appropriate. I wonder how I would be today if I’d grown up without him, if he’d died sooner. Would I be different? Less anxieties? Less fears? Less worries? I’ll never know, but really it doesn’t matter.

  Cancer. An inoperable brain tumor. That’s what killed him. And he didn’t deserve it. He deserved so much more. He deserved to suffer. The way he made me suffer, the way he made my mother suffer. She died not long after. Suicide. Which I also blame on him. I wasn’t enough for her – I was never enough. Not while she was with him, and not after he was gone. But I’m enough now.

  When I get out of the shower I throw down extra towels over my soiled clothes, not wanting my feet to step in the dirt and soot that covers the floor. I was in such a haste to shower that I didn’t bring clothes or anything in here with me. I walk to the living room where Lenny is asleep on his couch. I grab fresh clothes and quickly dress out there, not worried about Lenny seeing me if he were to wake up. We’ve all seen plenty of each other over the years. That’s what happens when you grow up together, it’s really no big deal. I have plenty of issues, but I’ve always been comfortable with my body.

  After I dress, I head back into the bathroom with a trash bag and scoop the ruined clothes – both mine and Fridays – and the towel that I threw on top of them into the bag and leave it by the door. There aren’t any cleaning supplies in here, but I throw another towel down over that spot in the bathroom, since it’s blackened with soot and who knows what else. I wash my hands before making my way to the couch that I’ll be sleeping on tonight.

  ***

  A loud smash pulls me from my restless sleep.

  Either someone has broken in or mom and dad are home. I hope it’s a burglar.

  I stand from my king-sized bed. Something that is unnecessarily large for a teenager, but my parents only know how to show affectionate in items. This bed happened to be one of them. I walk to my bedroom door that is double locked, putting my ear to it I listen as voices speak.

  “You’re a dirty bitch, you know that? I can’t take you anywhere. To think we could go somewhere for one night without you trying to spread your legs for any guy that walks in. You’re a disgrace, Shirley. A fucking embarrassment to my family name.”

  “How dare y– “ A loud crack interrupts my mother’s words.

  “How dare you speak to me that way. Did I say you could speak? No, I fucking did not. You keep your mouth shut until you are told otherwise.”

  Something else shatters, and disappointment takes over when I realize that my parents are home and that someone hasn’t broken in to kidnap me. I shuffle back to bed, knowing that they’ll be arguing like this for a while and it isn’t worth going out there anymore. I only end up getting myself in trouble… or worse.

  I get back into the massive bed and will myself back to sleep. Not long after there is a banging on my door that startles me back to consciousness.

  “Hey Callan, your mother is extra horny tonight, son. How about letting her have a piece of you? Don’t think it’ll matter that you’re her own flesh and blood. She’s not picky.” Four more bangs on the door.

  BANGBANGBANGBANG!

  “Callan! Wake up my boy! Momma is ready to party!”

  I know better than to get up, so I don’t. If I ignore it, he will go away. He likes to torment me. Verbally. He’s never hit me. He only hits her. His words aren’t always nice, but I guess it’s the lesser of two evils. I used to feel bad for her and I guess a part of me still does. I’ve learned that I need to worry about myself because when it comes to choosing she will always choose my father over me. Over anyone.

  “Callan!!” The banging continues.

  I’m pulled from my dream suddenly. My eyes shoot open and my hand goes to my racing heart. I’m drenched in sweat. I haven’t had a nightmare like that in a while. I chalk it up to what I dealt with earlier, the suppressed shock. I glance at the clock and realize it’s a few minutes after 2AM. I only fell asleep a short while ago to begin with. I look over and Lenny is sprawled out on his couch, mouth wide open as he sleeps a peaceful sleep. He’s the only one of us that doesn’t have nightmares, and I don’t understand how. Maybe he was too young to remember the torment that he went through, or maybe it’s buried too deep to ever be found.

  I rise to my feet, needing water. After grabbing a bottle from the fridge I take a long sip before capping the bottle again. I stop at the hallway, staring down the dark path, wondering if I should check on Friday. I decide against it and start to make my way back to the couch when I hear a crash in her room. I drop the bottle of water and race to her. I fling the door open and flick on the light and almost can’t believe what I’m seeing.

  I react before anything, knowing by the looks of it that I don’t have much time. Friday’s movements are growin
g weak, her face is purple and she’s starved for air. I rush to her and put all my weight into knocking Alec off her. It’s easier than I expected, due to the adrenaline. He tumbles to the floor with a loud thud. Friday gasps for breath, her hands going to her throat as she coughs and pants. My eyes dart from her to Alec who is shaking his head. He looks from me to her to the broken lamp on the floor and realization strikes him like lightning. His mouth opens and closes a few times, his eyes darkening. Fear takes over his features. He pales and I think he may faint.

  I return my focus to Friday who is breathing a bit easier. Her neck is red, but there doesn’t seem to be any permanent damage. I run my fingers over her throat to check again but everything feels okay. Her face has returned to its normal color, which is a good sign.

  “Sit up. Here let me help you.” I move from the side of the bed and help her up. I look to Alec again and notice the cuts and scrapes along his arms and face, all of them bleeding. He’s frozen in place, probably in shock. He hasn’t had a nightmare like this in a long time. Not one this bad. What are the odds we both have one in the same night?

  “Go get her some water, Alec.” I tell him sternly, as I peel Friday’s hair away from her sweaty face. She’s shaking fiercely, and like a switch was flipped her eyes meet mine and she pulls me to her and sobs uncontrollably. This situation only adding to the rest of the stressful day she had.

  And it was supposed to be a perfect night.

  I notice out of the corner of my eye that Alec has finally made his way to his feet and is walking out of the room. He returns a moment later with a bottle of water. Friday is still pressed close to my chest, but the sobbing has stopped. I take the bottle of water from Alec. His mouth moves as if he’s going to speak, but he can’t get the words out. Instead, he turns to leave. He disappears into his room only to come out again a few moments later, fully dressed and ready to run.

  It’s what he does best.

  I pull back to assist Friday with some water, but she keeps me clenched to her.

  “Please, don’t leave me.” Her voice raspy and almost indiscernible.

  “I’m not leaving you, Princess. I just need you to drink some of this water.” It takes her a moment, but her head nods against my chest and she slowly pulls away. Though, I’m sure to keep contact with her. She takes a sip of the water, coughing afterward. “Take a few more sips.” She does as I say. Her face is blotched with red spots, her hair is a wild mess. I just realize now that she is completely naked and her breasts are out on full display as she leans back against the headboard. I feel my cock twitch with excitement, but I mentally pull myself down another road.

  Now is not the time.

  “I’m going to stay with you, can I just go turn off the light?” She opens her mouth to speak, but I hold up a finger. “Don’t speak. I’ll be right back. I’m not even leaving the room.” She nods hesitantly. I stand from the bed and quickly walk to towards the door. I close it and lock it, and then flip the light switch off. When I walk back to the bed I’m careful not to step on the bits of porcelain from the smashed lamp. I get into bed and Friday cuddles up to me, grasping on to me as if I am her lifeline. She gets as close as possible, her body still trembling, still warm and covered in sweat. I lay on my back with her head on my chest and I brush her hair with my fingers as we both drift off into a much-needed sleep.

  CHAPTER 19

  Friday

  -SATURDAY-

  I wake early in the morning, surprised to find Callan in bed with me, sleeping soundly. His bare chest warm enough to keep me there. A smile slides across my face at the thought until the memories of last night flood through my brain. I grab onto him tighter, panic taking over. Unsure of what to think or how to react. My sudden movement must have woken him, because when I look up, his gorgeous green eyes are staring down at me. They look exceptionally beautiful first thing in the morning. And for just a moment everything is right in the world.

  “Are you okay? How are you feeling?”

  “Okay.” The word comes out in a croak and it hurts to speak so I don’t push it any further.

  “Your throat will be sore for a while, and you may have some bruising. There doesn’t seem to be any permanent damage. Your voice should be back to normal in a few days.”

  I give him an odd look, because that is just not what I’m looking for right now. I need answers. He must get the hint.

  “Right. I’m sorry. Uhm. I’ve been trying to avoid a lot of this because I respect people’s privacy, but I now know that I need to tell you a little bit about Alec. I promise you that he wasn’t trying to hurt you. He had a rough bringing up. The worst out of all of us. There was this whole situation that went down, and well, without giving too much detail, let’s just say that he thought you were someone else.”

  I give him another questioning look. Is that any better? Why would he want to kill someone at all?

  “I have to say that conversation is normally hard for me, but it’s harder without you speaking back.”

  I hold a finger up, turning to the night table in search of my phone. All I find is a bottle of water that I pick up and take a sip from. I find my phone on the floor, still connected to the charger but lying in a pile of porcelain from the broken lamp. I unlock my phone and open the notes app and type out a sentence.

  Does he normally try to hurt people?

  “No, no. Nothing like that.” He takes in a deep breath and runs his hand through his hair. ”There was an incident that happened when we were younger. Something involving Alec. Something that really messed him up. I think he has PTSD. He hasn’t done anything like this in a long time.”

  I raise my eyebrows. So he has done this before? Callan answers, so I assume he understood my silent question.

  “This happened a lot when we were younger. After the incident. But as far as I know nothing like this has happened in a long time. Though, I can’t be sure because we don’t spend a lot of time together anymore.”

  I hold my finger up again before I start to type something out on my phone.

  He’s been sleep walking to me. Two nights I found him with me in the middle of the night but gone before I woke.

  “We probably should have mentioned that.” He says it more to himself than to me. “I’m sorry that you had to go through this, I’m sorry for all of it. All I can tell you is that he didn’t mean it. I promise you that none of us would ever hurt you. Not intentionally. I think we should tell the other guys. We need to talk about this. Figure something out–”

  I shake my head quickly, the sudden movements send a sharp pain through my neck. I put my hand up to my throat instinctually and rub gently.

  I type out on my phone again.

  I want to talk to him. Please don’t tell the other guys before I can.

  I know maybe that’s fucked up. That after this I should want to go running for the hills, but I believe what Callan is saying. I know they all have a fucked up past and I really don’t think Alec did this on purpose. I don’t think he knew what he was doing, but we need to figure something out to stop him from doing it again. I can’t tell the other guys yet. I don’t want them knowing anything and making a big deal out of it. I want to talk to him myself first, hopefully he will open up to me and we can make things right. Take a step in the right direction.

  If Maddox finds out he will probably kill him. Even with our odd relationship, I can say that confidently. I know he would protect me. Hell, even happy Lenny would probably kill him.

  Callan looks like he’s battling a war in his head. I put my phone down and bring my hands together in the pleading motion.

  He lets out a long breath. “Fine, but how do we explain all of that?” He points to my face. I pull up the camera app on my phone to check out my face and I am not pleased with what I see. There is some bruising forming on my neck and my face is filled with red spots, including one of my eyes.

  I type out one last thing on my phone.

  Explosion?

  He nods slow
ly. I know he doesn’t agree with this, but I appreciate him going along with it. I reach up and place a kiss on Callan’s cheek. I nestle into the crook of his arm and he tenses up, but reluctantly places his arm down and over my shoulder. His finger makes small circles on my upper arm and just now do I realize that I’m naked in bed, with Callan.

  I start drifting back off to sleep when knocking at the door pulls me awake. The doorknob creaks as someone tries to open it. When whoever it is realizes it’s locked, they knock again.

  “Come on, guys. You can’t have fun without me!” I roll my eyes as I look at Callan. He stands and moves to the door, unlocking it to allow Lenny in.

  “I’m going to make breakfast.” Callan disappears around the doorway, to a safe place.

  Baby steps. I’ll take it.

  “Wow, Friday. You look like hell. No offense, you’re still totally hot but that explosion did a number on you, huh?” I nod my head and pout my lip. I point to my throat and let out a cough.

  “Hurts.” I force the word out and take another sip of water.

  “Yikes. That doesn’t sound good at all. Are you okay?” He asks as he plops into bed with me, quickly taking up the spot that Callan was in. I cuddle up to him, ready to go back to sleep. His warmth lulling me there.

  Laying with him is different than Callan. Callan is a little more squishy, more padding like a pillow. Lenny is thinner, more firm, but just as comfortable to lay with. I throw my leg over his lower stomach. His hand reaches down and hooks it under my knee. I feel him grow hard under my thigh and I give him a look.

  “What? I can’t help it!” I shake my head and close my eyes. Really needing sleep right now. I need to refresh and prepare for breaking down Alec’s walls. Which I know isn’t going to be easy by any means. Even if I can’t get all the way through, chipping away a layer will be enough for me.

  ***