Somebody's Doodle

by Nikki Attree

  He shrugs. “Yes, we seemed to get on well right from the beginning.”

  They give each other a knowing look.

  Jack: “I took them to Clissold park a couple of times. It’s OK, but not as nice as the Heath. A dog can really chase a stick here. Not to mention having a dip in the pond. I could never understand why your dog walker didn’t let Doodle off the lead to have a good run.”

  It’s Elizabeth’s turn to shrug (something they both know how to do). “Yes, well she always was a bit of a bimbo. More interested in her makeup and Wasup than my dog.”

  Jack gazes around the beautifully landscaped garden, the extraordinary house glowing and pulsating like a mothership that’s just landed. He can’t help comparing it all to Harry’s dump. Stoke Newington and Hampstead - two very different sides of London. They may be just a few miles apart in the same city, but they may as well be in different countries.

  “Nice place you’ve got here” he says simply, but the subtext is clear.

  “We may come from different sides of town Jack, but I think in some ways we’re quite similar” Elizabeth says thoughtfully. “We’re both wheeler-dealers who want to be winners.”

  Jack laughs and shrugs, in one nonchalantly combined gesture. Elizabeth continues her slightly inebriated philosophising: “if I’ve learnt anything in the past year, it’s that it’s fine to aspire to material success, but not at the expense of all the other more important things. There’s more to life than wealth and a big house.”

  “Really?” he says, with more than hint of irony. “Anyway, at least the dogs are better off here than in that grotty shed. I think you’ll agree, I did quite a job with that picture eh?”

  Elizabeth shudders at the thought. Of course they have a history of working together and it reminds her that there’s something she needs to discuss with him: “actually Jack, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about your appearance on our TV series ...”

  He steels himself for the inevitable putdown.

  “Well, according to our audience research it seems that you’re a natural talent. In fact, out of the various celebrities that we’ve had presenting the pilot episodes, you were the most popular with the viewers.”

  No shrug this time. His jaw drops as she continues: “the thing is, the network has commissioned us to produce a full season of ‘A Dog is For Life’ and we’ll be needing a regular presenter ...” A pause that is pregnant with possibilities. “So I wondered if you’d be interested in the job?”

  Jack swallows hard, more of a gulp actually. He tells her that he’ll need a bit of time to think about it, and discuss it with Annie. After all, there’s his consultant work with her, and his fledgling dog carer business to consider. Beneath the cool surface though, he’s thrilled by how his life has changed, and he can’t wait to tell Annie and his mum.

  Elizabeth tells him to take as much time as he needs. She reassures him that the TV work shouldn’t take up too much time, but of course he shouldn’t do anything to damage his relationship with Annie. In her opinion it’s the most precious thing he has.

  They shake hands, and Elizabeth says that she’ll get their lawyer to draw up a contract as soon as possible. With that they grab a dog each and go back indoors. The party is nearly over, but it’s only just starting for Jack. He goes to find Annie and tell her the exciting news.

  Elizabeth switches off the sound-system and the light-show in the basement, rounds up the last few stragglers in the pool, makes sure that the bedrooms are vacated for her house guests, and bids goodnight to everyone. She allows herself one last pat on the back for hosting such a memorable evening and quickly drifts into a contented sleep.

  The real stars of the night are left alone downstairs.

  “Remember that night at Wags, after they filmed our love scene?” Gizmo woofs. “I don’t suppose you’re in the mood for a repeat performance?”

  Doodle looks at him coyly, but the wagging tail gives her away.

  Ignoring the luxury dog beds that Elizabeth has provided in the kitchen, they head for the lounge, preferring instead to make use of the sumptuous surrounds of the wraparound sofa. Silence finally envelopes the big house in Hampstead, except for an occasional excited yelp.

  * * *

  The morning after the night before, Elizabeth wakes early. Despite having a hangover she’s desperate to check the feedback for the film. Her guests are still asleep, probably equally worse for wear, and the house is quiet. It’s a happy stillness though, rather than the cold efficient silence of an empty, lonely house. It was a great night, and she congratulates herself for organising one hell of a do.

  She goes downstairs to find Gizmo and Doodle curled up together on the sofa, still fast asleep and looking supremely cute. Gizmo opens one eye and gives her the same quizzical hangdog look that he gave Jack the night he disturbed them together at Wags.

  Elizabeth giggles, and shoos them off the sofa and out into the garden for an early morning romp. She stands there for a moment watching them excitedly chase each other, carefree as only dogs can be, and thinking how much we can learn from their stoic, live-in-the-moment approach to life.

  She reflects on the events of the past year, and the lessons she’s learnt. Money, success, style, should never again come before family, friends, health, and yes: her dog. Doodle may have been originally acquired as a fashion accessory and a desperate bribe for her daughter’s affection, but she vows that from now on she’ll be getting all the love that one’s best friend deserves. Not to mention her newfound enthusiasm for helping the refuge find homes for their inmates.

  She makes herself a cup of strong coffee and takes it into her office. Firing up her laptop, she holds her breath as she starts to read the reviews for ‘Nobody’s Poole’. Whoosh! The advance copy sent by her PA takes her breath away in an explosive exhale. Wow! They love the film:

  ‘Nobody’s Poodle is set to be the feel-good hit of the year ...’

  ‘ ... Wooftastic! Gizmo’s story is the Dog’s Danglies!’

  ‘This movie is the Mutt’s Nuts!’

  She fires off two e-mails to her boss. In the first she tells him that she has found the perfect presenter for ‘A Dog is For Life’. He’s already aware of the encouraging audience figures for the pilot programmes, and now everything is in place for a full series. In fact if it goes as well as she predicts, given the unlimited appeal of cute dogs, they should plan for it to be a long running mainstay of prime time TV.

  The second e-mail is titled: ‘Nobody’s Poodle - the feel-good hit of the year!’. She copies and pastes some of the best reviews of the film, and suggests that perhaps Cutting Edge Films should forget about the action flicks and chick-lit rom-coms for a while. Dog movies seem set to be the happening genre, and they should produce a sequel as soon as possible.

  Ideas flash through her producer’s brain like lightening in a brainstorm, as she wonders what a follow-up film should be about. She starts typing with her usual intensity, but an excited bark from the garden distracts her, and she remembers her resolutions for the New Elizabeth.

  “Nope, it can wait for the moment” she thinks to herself, closing her laptop. “Let’s get on with some real life.” She moves back to the kitchen and starts to prepare breakfast. “Once everyone’s up and had something to eat, we can all go for a walk on the Heath with the dogs.”

  * * *

  Later that morning the group strolls out through Elizabeth’s garden gate straight onto Hampstead Heath. The significance isn’t lost on Jack. It’s where he spent all those hours stalking Doodle. Now here he is, arm in arm with Annie beside Miranda with her pooch, while Elizabeth and Nikki follow with Gizmo. The dogs are soon charging around excitedly chasing the sticks that Jack throws for them, while their two-legged friends do their best to keep up.

  Elizabeth tells them about the rave reviews for the film and her idea for a sequel. Like all the best plots it should be based on a true story, and she knows one that you just couldn’t make up: a bungled dognappin
g with two identical victims and a case of mistaken identity; a genuine bad guy and a villain with a heart of gold; a detective who falls in love with the handsome rogue she’s pursuing; and a human who has a dog for all the wrong reasons, connives with the dognappers, and finally comes to see the error of her ways ...

  The raw ingredients are all right here. They just need to be suitably blended, flavored, and cooked to perfection. The key players have lived with the recipe for the past year, so the finished dish is guaranteed to be authentic. Jack and Annie can help with the research, and Nikki with the writing. They already have the canine stars. Now all they need is a title. She asks for suggestions.

  Nikki has an idea: “remember the poem from the book?” she reminds Elizabeth. “You know: ‘I am Nobody's Poodle, But I'm Somebody's Doodle, And I Woof ... therefore I Am!’ So there’s your title.”

  Elizabeth gives her a quizzical look, not dissimilar to the one Gizmo uses when he wants to woof: “?”

  Nikki: “it’s obvious isn’t it? You should call the next film: ‘Somebody's Doodle’.”

  “Yes, of course. Brilliant. I love it. ‘Somebody's Doodle’ is all about a doodle called Doodle who is searching for somebody to belong to, and the film stars the real Doodle.”

  Gizmo looks up from the stick that he is currently reducing to a pile of sawdust, and gives the producer one of his best quizzical looks: one eye half closed, head lolling to the side.

  “Excuse me. Just hang on one dog-gone minute” he woofs. “Co-starring Doodle maybe, but who’s the original ‘lovable ex-pat pooch’ who got this whole ‘wooftastic tail' off the ground in the first place, eh?”

  To human ears, it just sounds like indignant barking. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was jealous” says Miranda.

  “I do know better” says Nikki. “Gizmo’s just pointing out that he’s nobody’s poodle, and you better remember it.”

  Jack picks up another stick and chucks it into the distance for the dogs to chase. It lands in a patch of long grass that seems strangely familiar. Then suddenly he remembers, and it triggers a powerful flashback. This is the exact spot where it all began, one year ago. His misadventure, our story, this book, all began right here on Hampstead Heath. This is where he and Harry grabbed their first victim, Angus, and made their getaway. ‘One of the most leisurely getaways in the history of getaways’ if you can remember that far back.

  He turns to Annie and explains the significance of this patch of grass. This where it all went wrong, long before it all went right for him. This is his once-upon-a-time spot. “If I hadn’t been here with Harry, stealing Angus, then I would never have met you” he tells her wistfully, as the events of the past year flash through his brain like a video stuck on fast-forward.

  He takes her hand and together they run to the long grass, where the dogs are playing tug-of-war with the stick. “Let’s finish the story right here” he whispers to her. “Let’s complete the circle and make this our special spot.”

  She laughs nervously, wondering what he has in mind. The dogs drop the stick and gaze at the lovers expectantly, sensing that something is about to happen (maybe Jack has a ball or a Frisbee hidden away?). He waits until the others arrive, and together with the dogs, complete the audience.

  “Annie, will you marry me?” He asks breathlessly. Their eyes lock in one of their freeze-frame soulmate moments.

  As usual it’s Annie who pushes the play button on the remote control of their lives.

  “Is that all?” she says, smiling. “For a moment I thought you were going to suggest that we go into business together stealing dogs again!”

  Everyone except Jack giggles. He is still paused, nervously waiting for her answer.

  “Of course I will! I love you Jack Jones!”

  They embrace and kiss. Elizabeth applauds. It’s a feel-good ending to savor. Nikki sheds a tear of happiness for Annie. She’s come to value their friendship, and it’s finally allowed her to forgive Jack. Miranda does a little dance around them. She always knew that these Star Crossed Lovers wouldn’t end up like that downer of a Shakespeare story.

  The dogs bark wildly and wait for Jack to throw something more exciting than a stick. The humans have had their fun, now it’s their turn. Gizmo licks Doodle’s nose gently. “You know that my mistress is taking me home with her today?” he woofs. Doodle whimpers, but then she remembers that they’ll be reunited to co-star in the next movie.

  “That’s right” Gizmo woofs, “and don’t forget: we’ll always have Stoke Newington.”

  EXTRAS 1: How (and why) we wrote ‘Somebody’s Doodle’

  At the end of ‘Good Omens’ by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman there is an extra section explaining how they worked together. It provides a fascinating insight into how the two authors collaborated, both in terms of ideas, and also the practical nitty-gritty of working together whilst living a few thousand miles apart, in the pre e-mail, pre internet 1980s. Fax was just about invented in time for them, and radically improved the speed with which they could exchange copy.

  We had none of these practical issues. As a husband and wife writing team our work rooms are separated by a few feet, rather than being on different continents.25 When we want to communicate we either just shout loudly, or if one of us doesn’t want to be disturbed then we can always send each other copy by e-mail - from one room to the next.

  However, so many people have been curious about how we work together, even expressing incredulity that a husband and wife could write a book together without it ending in the divorce courts, that we thought it would be interesting to put together a similar ‘extras’ section.

  Just a word of warning though to anyone who is tempted to read this explanatory section before, or while, reading the actual story - we reveal crucial plot details here, so please don’t read any further. The idea is to fill in a bit of background for anyone who has just finished the book and is curious about how, and why, we wrote it together.

  Genesis of the Plot, Characters, and Themes

  We had the original idea some twenty-five years ago while walking on Hampstead Heath. In those days we were living in a small apartment in a very busy part of North London and we didn’t have a dog, but we used to like watching them playing on the Heath. Knowing that it was where wealthy people, and even celebrities, exercised their dogs we speculated on a plot to dognap one of them for a ransom. The idea was a plot for a drama, not for us to actually steal a dog, I hasten to add!

  After some more brainstorming we came up with the basic plot elements: the victim would be a rich person who gets a dog for the wrong reasons, and doesn’t give the pooch enough love; a bungled dognapping by two comedy crooks - one a genuine bad guy and the other a villain with a heart of gold; the canine hostage bonds with the nice dognapper, and prefers him to his real owner; a private detective is hired and does his thing, following leads (that old joke again :-); the pooch is finally tracked down, reunited with his owner, who finally comes to see the error of their ways etc.

  I should say that we had these plot elements in place well before the popular film: ‘Ace Ventura: Pet Detective’ was released. In 1991 Richard wrote a two page treatment for a TV drama and sent it to a couple of people, but nothing came of it and the idea was filed away for the next twenty-five years!

  In 2007 Richard retired from the music business, and we moved to Tenerife. By then we had a dog - a Yorkshire terrier called Basil. When he died in 2010 we adopted a Labradoodle from a local refuge, and we called him Gizmo.

  Nikki started to help the local dog charities with their fund raising, and this lead to writing a column for a local English language paper. It was written from a dog's first ‘person’ perspective (“Life according to Gizmo”), but it was, in fact, our first attempt at writing together, and it went well (it didn’t end in divorce, anyway).

  We decided to build on the material from Gizmo’s column, and tell his story26 in a short novel: ‘Nobody’s Poodle’, which we self-published in May
2013. Writing a book together involved a steep learning curve, but the experience was overwhelmingly positive (and again our marriage survived the inevitable heated discussions).

  Thoughts turned to a sequel. We each had ideas (some of which may end up in future books) but we agreed that it should be a completely different type of story. We decided not to write another ‘first dog’ narrative (there are plenty of them around already), nor another ex-pat / travel book (a similarly well explored genre), but to branch out into what you might call a ‘real’ novel (if you were feeling a bit pretentious, that is).

  Then we remembered the dognapped / pet detective idea. Set in North London rather than Tenerife, and as much about the human characters as the canine, it fulfilled the brief to be different. There was the slight problem of how to get Gizmo into it (his many loyal fans would lynch us if he wasn’t), but we solved that by making one of the main characters (Elizabeth) a film producer who buys the rights to ‘Nobody’s Poodle’ and wants to bring Gizmo to the UK to costar in the film, along with her own dog. If her dog was an identical Doodle, then there could be the opportunity for some mistaken identity shenanigans, along with a chance for some romance between the canine stars.

  Speaking of romance, Nikki had the idea of making the pet detective female (Annie) and have her fall for the goodhearted villain (Jack) who she’s pursuing. They become a pair of ‘Star Crossed Lovers’. Fatally attracted, but doomed by being on either side of a criminal chasm, rather than by belonging to opposing tribes / gangs as in that other well-known story of star crossed lovers. However, each needs the other to rescue them, and eventually there’s a happy ending for our lovers. As Miranda puts it at the end of the book: “unlike that downer of a Shakespeare story.”

  It all fell into place when we realised that we already had the title: ‘Somebody’s Doodle’27 in the poem that ends the first book (as we’ll explain, this generated the titles for three connected books, that share various links, but are all quite different).