Strong Enough

by Teresa Hill

  “Sweetheart, you don’t understand…”

  “No! Don’t you DARE call me that! What the fuck Zane, you were stalking me!” My anger rising in my voice. “You sat outside the bar and waited and watched until I left with no one around. You watched me! What were you going to do Zane? Force…” My legs begin to quiver as the words form on my lips. Oh my god, what WAS he going to do? His hands grip me by the shoulders tightly.

  “NO! Stop Reece, I would never, you don’t understand, I was…”

  “You were WHAT ZANE??!!!” Raising my arms up, I use my forearms to push against his arms and try to wiggle free.

  “LET GO OF ME!!” My anger mixing with fear and his grip is strong.

  “Reece, PLEASE calm down. Let me explain. You don’t understand,” he says with panic in his voice.

  “OHHH I understand. I understand a fucking LOT more than you THINK I understand Zane! You have no IDEA how much I FUCKING understand!” I scream unable to control myself.

  I can see a few people towards my building slowing to watch the spectacle unfold. I can’t help but wonder to myself if any of them are sticking around to make sure I am okay or if this is just pure entertainment for them. Thinking they are there for entertainment brings my blood to a boil and I swing myself full force out of Zane’s grasp and face the people I was watching.

  “WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU PEOPLE WANT? WOULD YOU RATHER COME CLOSER AND GET A BETTER FUCKING VIEW? MIND YOUR OWN GOD DAMN BUSINESS!” I scream across the few feet to my building and watch as they all mumble to one another and look around as if to make believe they aren’t there watching until they slowly start to disburse as I watch.

  My blood is boiling now and I am on a roll. I turn my attention back to Zane.

  “Do you have any FUCKING idea what you did to me that night?” Anger spews with my words.

  “I was trying to PROTECT you Reece!!” His frustration obviously reaching a point he could not hold back.

  “Protecting me?” Confusion officially setting in.

  “Protecting me from WHAT Zane? Do you know how SCARED I was?”

  His head hangs a little lower this time with his response, “Just protecting you, from what or whoever. I wasn’t stalking you or watching you the way you think I was. I wasn’t trying to scare you either. From where I was sitting I couldn’t see you close enough to see your expression. I saw you walk out and pause a little, but I thought you were just looking around. I saw you get in your car and take off and I followed you. I was just wanting to make sure you got home safe.”

  I don’t know what to believe. When I pulled into the police station I was certain I was running from them again. All the old feelings of fear washed over me and I was certain.

  “I explained it all to the Officer Watts when he stopped by the next day.”

  You have GOT to be FUCKING KIDDING ME!

  “You talked to Officer Watts?” The brewing of anger beginning again.

  “Yes, he came by the condo the next day, asked me if I was there, I told him yes and explained why,” he explained steady toned.

  And that asshole never bothered to tell me and let me know I wasn’t being stalked by some lunatic?”

  “Fucking cops, go figure, I’m the one that files a report and is scared out of my mind and they fucking don’t bother to tell me what they find out? Noooooo of course not…” I begin to pace going over the situation.

  “Look Reece you’re getting upset over nothing.”

  His words stopped me dead in my tracks and my reaction could not have been stopped.

  “FUCK YOU ZANE BAUER!” I scream with my finger pointed in his face. Disbelief washes over him and I can see the clenching of his jaw but it doesn’t faze me as I continue my verbal assault.

  “You arrogant, self-righteous son of a bitch. You have NO idea who I am or what I have been through. You don’t have the right to tell me I’m getting upset over nothing. You don’t have the right to say shit! Fuck you, you put me back in a place I NEVER wanted to be ever again. You and whatever it was you thought you were doing made me lose myself. You made me afraid. YOU!” Tears streaming down my face as my words don’t stop even though I know he doesn’t understand.

  My hands balled and land on his chest and he doesn’t move as I pound on him. “I thought it was happening again. I thought you were him. I thought you, I thought you were….” My words no longer able to be understood as the sobbing increased and my head crashes down on his chest next to my fists. His arms wrap around me lightly and he begins to rub his hands up and down my back trying to show comfort even after what I just said.

  My face is buried in his chest when I hear him ssssssshhhhhh me. Pushing back from him I have pulled every single emotional wall I let down for him back up. Standing back I look at him. Disbelief, anger, sadness, betrayal, regret, fear are just a few things I have rushing through me as I look at him.

  “Zane, I can’t do this.” My tone as even as I can get it with no tears.

  The moment he registers what I just said his face falls and I see a slump in his shoulders as his eyes shift downward.

  “Don’t walk away Reece, don’t shut me out, please don’t leave my life again….” His words so low I can barely understand as I walk toward my apartment.

  His last words finally register with me. Don’t leave my life again, I turn toward him.

  “What do you mean Zane? What do you mean by don’t leave my life again?” I plead with him to answer me.

  He shakes his head slowly back and forth before he looks at me, his eyes big and fearful.

  “What did you mean when you said don’t leave my life again, Zane?” I ask again with more demand in my voice.

  “Nothing, I meant nothing. Just please don’t throw this, us, away because of a mistake I made. I should have told you. I’m sorry, I really am. I never meant to scare you. I just wanted to protect you bett….” He stops mid word and looks at me in the eyes.

  I’m trying to figure out what he’s telling me when he interrupts me.

  “I am going to go, I’m so sorry Reece,” he finishes as he turns to his car and gets in.

  As the engine starts it was like the cloud lifted and it was starting to clear up. NO, it isn’t, can’t be, he wasn’t, he isn’t……

  I watch as he backs out and my world starts to crash again. What have I done?

  Chapter 17

  I run my finger around the rim of the cold glass staring blankly watching the ice melt at the bottom. My thumb rubs up and down the cold side pushing the sweat from the glass around.

  “Earth to Miller…” Brent waves his hand in front of my face trying to get my attention.

  “Huh, what?” Confusion on my face as I look at him. “What did you say?”

  “I asked what was up with you lately. You are distracted, distant, and vacant… what is going on?”

  I hesitate before speaking. I don’t know what to say to him. I am not sure what is wrong with me. It’s been three weeks since the fight with Zane. Three weeks since he walked away and three weeks since my heart has been empty and my thoughts are confused. He hasn’t called, texted, come by or anything. He just walked away questions unanswered with an “I’m so sorry”. I have spent weeks trying to understand, to figure it out. Am I right? Was it him? Has it always been him? And here Brent sits wanting to know what’s wrong with me. I haven’t talked to anyone about this, not even Danny. But then again, who would I talk to?

  “Sorry, I’m fine, just nervous that’s all.” My answer masked with a smile.

  “I bet you are. God girl, I’m nervous for you.” His eyes widen in jest and I can’t help but giggle a little.

  “Gee thanks ass…” My words are interrupted with a warm hand on my back and a gentle kiss on the top of my head.

  “Brent, dude, are you being an asshole again?” Jon laughs as he sits on the stool next to me.

  Resting his hand on my leg he leans in to my ear and says, “Hi Beautiful,” and gently kisses my ear.

  I mou
th “hi” back to him with a genuinely big smile on my face. His presence makes my heart jump and my stomach flutter. His blue eyes stare back at me and the smile on his face captivates me.

  “Do I need to leave you two alone?” Brent jokes leaning back in his chair arms crossed over his chest. “I mean I’m sure there is a little time if you two need it.”

  My face drops as I look at him wide eyed and shocked. “Oh my god, what time is it?”

  “It’s 9:30. You go on in 30 minutes,” Jon answers as his hand rubs my leg in his effort to calm me down from what he can clearly see is my pre freak out stage.

  My breathing quickens and I begin to try and ease through them. My palms begin to get hot, and I can feel a bead of sweat trickle down my lower back.

  “Breathe beautiful breathe,” Jon whispers in my ear.

  Wide eyed I look at him pleading for him to do something, but I know there is nothing for him to do. I need to work through this. I just don’t know how.

  “I need to go outside. Um I’ll be back in a little bit,” I state, quickly standing I move for the door as Jon grabs my hand his look questioning.

  “I promise I will be back, I just need some fresh air,” I assure him.

  He nods and releases my hand.

  “Miller, want me to go with you?” Brent asks.

  “No hun, I’m ok I just need a few minutes to myself, but thanks.” Winking at him.

  Pushing open the door I step out into the Texas night. A nice breeze brushes past me as I inhale a nice deep breath.

  “Nice out tonight huh?” A voice says from the darkness, a voice I recognize.

  Stepping out of the shadows his hands are pushed down deep in his pockets showing the sheer size of his arms and causing his green polo to bunch up around his waist. My thoughts drift to my memory of what is under the polo. His dark black hair is hidden under a baseball cap and showing a more casual side to him.

  “Zane…” My breathe hushed.

  “Hi Reece,” he says walking a few steps to me.

  My first reaction is to run to him, to wrap my arms around him and not let go. But I don’t. I remember that he walked away, that left me standing there with, full of questions and hasn’t been back since.

  “What are you doing here Zane?” My question cold and unfriendly.

  He steps closer, so close I can smell him, and instinctively I breathe in deeply closing my eyes. When I open them I see a smirk on his face, and it pisses me off.

  “Seriously what are you doing here?” My tone now irritated.

  “I came for you.” His answer short.

  What does he mean he came for me? To support me? Or did he literally come for me, to get me back?

  The tears instantly rim my eyes and my breathing stops. There are so many things I want to say and I don’t know where to begin.

  His arms wrap around me as he pulls me into his solid chest. My arms remain at my side unsure of how to respond. His warmth starts to penetrate me and his efforts to hold me closer and closer break through, and I wrap my arms around his waist tightly. My ear is pressed to his heart as I focus on the constant thump…thump…thump. But then I remember, and I push back.

  “It was you….” Is all I can say.

  He searches my eyes for a minute and doesn’t respond.

  “Tell me! Tell me it was you. Tell me you were there that night, that you picked me up, that you took care of me! TELL ME DAMNIT!

  Tell me you knew this whole time, that you were playing a game with me the first night. Tell me when you walked in that back office you knew more about me than I did about you. Tell me when you wanted to play that stupid question game you knew the answers… TELL ME you were watching me when Sterling and I were out that’s why you were there so quick…. TELL ME!

  My life has been hell for the past six years. Living with my dark side, and what happened because of what they did to me. I lost everyone! EVERYONE…and I don’t know why. Everyone that meant something to me left me. Adam… I loved him, I needed him, and he just… I have tried to protect myself for the last six years, to not let anyone get close enough to do any damage to my already weak spirit and heart. Only let them see a Reece that I want them to see. To make sure no one knew about my dark side, so they could never use it to leave me again. I DON’T get close to people Zane. I DON’T let people in and I LET YOU… I let you near me. I let myself feel for you. I let myself LOVE YOU, and it was all a facade. You were hiding it all from me! I don’t even know what was real, or if any of it was.”

  The tears flow freely and my shoulders slump and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and disappear.

  He advances to comfort me and my arms fly out stopping him as I back away. He drops his hands to his sides and looks toward the sky.

  “You don’t seem to understand Reece. You don’t seem to grasp the concept that life doesn’t revolve around your past. Who and what you are today does not have to be who you were or what happened to you six years ago. You have taken yourself away and left a shell. You let everyone and everything else control your emotions and when they get to that boiling point you explode. I know that’s not you, I know the girl that is inside that shell. I’ve felt her passion, her energy, her need. I’ve seen her compassion, her love, her fire and her spunk.”

  He rests his hands gently on my defeated and slumped shoulders, and I let him. He slowly turns me to square up. With a smooth almost floating effort he lifts my chin to look into his deep brown eyes.

  I think my knees just wobbled, did I just wobble?

  “Don’t cheat your future because of your past. We all have shadows that lurk in the dark, but at some point you need to flip the light on and make them go away. Let me be the one to turn your light on.”

  Yep…Knees definitely wobbled that time

  “What do you want from me Zane? I don’t know how to trust you, believe you. Do I want to? YES, but I don’t know how. Do I want to love you, to be who you want? Yes, I do, but I don’t know how to love you and I don’t think it’s fair to you to get involved with someone so fucked up. You need someone who knows how to be open, to let the walls down. Who knows how to love you like you need to be loved. Someone who doesn’t resort to her past when life scares her. Someone who doesn’t pull all emotion inward. I want to be that person for you Zane, I do. But you lied to me. You deceived me. Tell me how do I get past the fact that you are the man I have been looking for the last six years, dreaming about, wondering about? How do I get past the fact that you have been here the whole time and couldn’t, no, let me rephrase that, didn’t tell me who you were? Were you just hoping I would never find out?”

  “Reece I didn’t know how to.” His emotion can be heard in his voice.

  “Oh I don’t know Zane, how about something like, ‘Reece, it was me that saved you that night. It was me that held you close. It was me that comforted you, it was me that gave you hope.’ FUCK Zane ANYTHING… you could have said anything. Do you know what the last six years have done to me wondering about you? My thoughts were consumed by you. My dreams were about you. And this whole time, you were right here.” My head hung low and tears drop from my eyes to the concrete below.

  “I am so sorry Reece. I thought I was protecting you. I want you to love me for me, for who I am, not for what I did for you. I have loved you since that night Reece. I have loved you from the minute your hand wrapped around my neck and you connected yourself to me. I have loved, wanted and needed you since then. Do you know what my life has been like? I woke up every day with you on my mind. When I saw you for the first time after all those years, I didn’t have to question who you were. I knew the minute I saw you. I found you, and I didn’t want to let you go. I became protective.” His grip on my shoulders was firm as he holds me up to look into his sorrow filled eyes.

  “I love you Reece Miller.”

  The door to the club opens and Brent steps out. His expression is full of questions.

  “Um Reece, Jon said you will be on in 5, are you okay?” H
e questions as he steps completely out of the door a bit protective.

  Wiping away the tears from my face before I turn to face him. “Yes, I’m fine. I’ll be right there.” Offering a smile of reassurance. He nods cautiously before reaching to open the door again.

  I look up at Zane. I know he means what he said. I know he loves me.

  “I need to go,” is all I say. He searches my face for answers for which I am not giving. I have none to give.

  His face leans into mine and his lips land softly on mine. The connection shows the emotion between the two of us. His love, I can feel it. Time seems to stand still as our lips can’t say goodbye. I reach up placing my hand on the side of his neck and my thumb comes to rest on his pulse. His breath hitches and the instant connection is there. My lifeline.

  Pulling back I look him in the eyes, tear filled and sad, I love this man.

  “I need to go,” I say one last time pulling away from him completely. My connection to him breaks as I turn to enter the club.

  Inside the stage is set with a single stool, microphone stand and my guitar to the side. I stand at the doorway taking it all in. I am still trying to understand how I have gotten to this point. School will be starting back up soon. Brent has become my best friend. I found someone who just being around puts a smile on my face and because of him I am about to step on a stage and do something I haven’t done since my dad died all because he believes in me. But more than anything, I found the man I have thought about and loved since that fate filled day, the man I owe my life to.

  “You ready Beautiful,” Jon says, sliding his arm around my waist and pulling me into him placing a kiss on my forehead.

  Looking into his handsome face, his eyes are soft and sincere looking down at me. “Yep, it’s now or never,” he says and with that he is leading me to the stage.

  Standing at the base of the steps to the stage I take a deep breath and look over at Brent who gives me a thumbs up. I am scanning the crowd until I see him, seated at the bar, last stool closest to the door. I can see the vodka water resting on a napkin in front of him. He catches my eye and smiles sweetly. I look away and turn to focus on Jon. “Ok Beautiful, you’re up, take a deep breathe. You can do this.” His words full of belief.