Chasing the Wild Sparks

by Alexander, Ren

  She stares at me, her eyes flicking over my face a couple times before she replies, “I do. I’m trying to figure you out first.”

  I’m confused. “What’s there to figure out?”

  She smirks. “That’s what I’m trying to figure out.”

  I smile faintly. “Okay…”

  “Are you in love with Hadley?” Why these questions? They’re way too personal for me, but Becks wants me to tell people about her; however, I don’t want to reveal too much about us. I still want to have some privacy

  I slowly nod and affirm, “Very much so.”

  Cara nods in return and glances away from me. “Well, I need to get back to work. I’ll talk to you later about our trip.” I watch as she leaves the kitchen without saying another word.

  I look at the clock.

  I need to see Becks.

  I just hope she’ll want to see me.

  “Mr. Wilder? Who were you here to see again?”

  I clear my throat and look down at the gray-haired man sitting behind the tall, black counter dressed in a black security guard uniform. “Hadley Beckett.”

  “Do you have an appointment with her? She didn’t submit your name for the visitor’s log today.”

  I worriedly rub the back of my neck and peer down to the paper the guard is reading through. “No, I don’t have an appointment. She’s my girlfriend. I wanted to surprise her.”

  “Oh. Well, let me give her a call so she can approve your visit. Give me a minute.”

  I inhale and nod my head. “Sure.” I anxiously walk over to the wall to my right, absently looking at the boring framed art of fields, mountains and an ocean. At least I don’t see any fucking kites.

  Will Becks want to see me? After last night, I don’t know. We were both so upset the last time we saw each other. Will she ever forgive me? Are we done? That couldn’t have been our farewell. She can’t leave and take my shattered heart with her. What would I do? I can’t live without her. I would definitely leave Richmond and take Richmond Tesco with me.

  There’s no way I’d be able to go to my mom’s without Becks. My mother would stab me with the closest, sharpest thing she could get her hands on. She absolutely loves Becks.

  After I introduced them and took them both to dinner, my mother pulled me back as we were leaving the restaurant and whispered to me that she was in love. I had looked at her incredulously as she beamed proudly up at me. She leaned against my arm, pushed a hand up into my hair, and appended, “And so is my baby boy.”

  How right my mother was.

  “Mr. Wilder?” I look away from the ocean painting and nod my head as I walk back to the desk. The guard looks remorseful. “I’m sorry, but Ms. Beckett said she doesn’t want to see you.”

  My mouth bursts open and my eyes nearly shoot out of my skull. “What?” Although I knew it was a possibility, the actual rejection hits me ice cold. “Are you serious?” He sadly nods. “Yes. That’s what the receptionist told me.”

  Spinning away from the desk, I pull my phone out of my pocket and hit the speed dial for Becks’ number. I stride back to the wall, waiting for her to pick up her phone. I nervously flick my fingers and close my eyes. “Come on, baby. Please pick up,” I whisper pointlessly. “Please, please, Becks.” I look at the guards, who are eyeing me inquisitively. I hang up the phone and walk over to the desk.

  “Has she changed her mind?”

  “No, sir.”

  The second guard, younger than the first, behind the desk smiles. “We’re huge fans of yours. We love The Wild Side.”

  The first guard says, “I can’t believe some of the stunts you do, especially jumping the New River Gorge or the skydiving! You must have nine lives or something!”

  I smile politely. “Something like that.” My eyebrows wrench together. “So, there isn’t anything I can do to be able to see Hadley?”

  They look at each other and then back at me, both looking apologetic. “No. I’m sorry,” the first guard states.

  The second one asks, “Can we have your autograph, though? We’d honestly let you upstairs if we could.”

  I half smile and nod. “Sure.”

  After nearly 10 minutes of distractedly chatting with the guards, I try Becks’ number once more, but still get her voicemail. I irritably push my phone into my pocket and stalk out the doors, burrowing my hands into my hair as I walk to my car.

  What the fuck am I going to do if I lose her? I can’t lose Becks. I can’t.

  When I reach my car, I’m in full-on panic mode. She actually doesn’t want to see me. Rejected yet again. She doesn’t want to touch me, stay with me, live with me, and now she doesn’t even want to fucking see me.

  I brace my elbows on the roof of my car and hang my head. Why is she doing this to me? Torturing me? I love her! Why can’t she fucking love me the way I love her? I’d fucking do anything for that woman! The only reason why I won’t marry her is because I love her too much to risk losing her! I can’t fucking win! I’m going to lose her no matter what the hell I do!

  What can I do? Nothing. There’s not a damned thing I can do to hold onto her. She's the only woman I’ve ever been in love with. None of my stunts even compare to this fucking helpless feeling, nor has any broken bone been this painful. She’s ripping my damned heart out and she doesn’t even seem to care.

  Like Mortal Kombat, I’m just waiting for someone to finish me and put me out of my fucking misery.

  I take a deep breath and straighten, looking once more over at the building. When someone standing at the third floor window catches my eye, I automatically look again. It has to be Becks since the law firm takes up the entire floor and it’s not a huge staff. The person shifts away from my view and I dig my phone out of my pocket, dialing her number. No answer.

  “Becks, pick up your fucking phone!” I snarl out loud. After letting it ring, it goes to voicemail. Determined, I hang up and call her again. This time she picks up.

  “Finn.”

  “Becks! I need to see you. Please. I’m so sorry about last night.”

  “I’ll be down in three.” The line goes dead. I thrust my phone back into my pocket and nearly run to the building.

  I pace the sidewalk and try to see her inside the lobby, but the sun’s glare on the glass is too bright. When she does walk through the main entrance, I notice Rod is with her. Shit. Is he her backup or something? I would never hurt her. Well, I guess not physically.

  I practically leap over to her. “Becks, can we talk? Alone?” I ask urgently. I need to make sure we talk without any interruptions or arguments from anyone else. Becks turns to Rod and he takes a few steps over to a bench by the main doors. He crosses his arms and props his ankle over his knee.

  Becks walks quickly past me and I follow her. I want to throw my arms around her and hold her close to me, never letting her go. I want to smell her scent, kiss her soft skin and beg her to forgive me. To love me again.

  When we near the end of the sidewalk, she abruptly pivots to me. I gaze down into her beautiful green eyes and then down to her full, strawberry red lips. She looks beautiful, yet…unhappy. I did that to her.

  She asks, “Don’t you have to be at work?”

  I blink. “Yes and no. I’m shooting a promo piece for this week’s segment and then have to be on location for my dare in a couple hours instead of doing the noon spot today.”

  “Not really a good day for you to be on camera, is it?”

  “No. I’ve been told already this morning.”

  “Who said something about it?”

  “Everyone. They said I look like hell. That’s part of the reason why I’m not doing noon today. The promo won’t be as close up, but Pam will still be working overtime trying to make me not look like a damn zombie.”

  “It looks like you didn’t get much sleep.”

  “No. After Ricky left, I was up most of the night.”

  “Oh. Where do you have to be for your dare and the promo?”

  How much can
I tell her? “Downtown.”

  “What are you going to do for your dare?”

  I try not to smile too much because I don’t want to give anything away, not even my excitement for the dare. “You’ll see.”

  She looks confused and almost offended. “So it’s a secret?” Baby, I promise it’ll be worth the wait.

  I can’t help my smile at the thought. “Not for long.”

  She turns her head away from me. “What do you want, Finn? You already told me what you thought of me last night.”

  “Baby, I—”

  Springing her attention to me, she snaps, “Do not baby me, Finn. After the things you said last night, you’re lucky I’m down here at all.”

  That’s a swift slap to the face. Along with Becks, I love calling her baby because she is my baby, even though she thinks my car is. “I know, Becks. There aren’t even words I can say.”

  “You can start with ‘I’m sorry for being a dick all over again.’”

  “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I embarrassed and irreversibly hurt you. I don’t know why I said those things. They just kept coming out of my mouth before I could stop.”

  “Well, you must actually feel that way or you wouldn’t have said them.”

  “I don’t. They just came out. It was the Jack talking, ba—Becks.”

  “It was you, too, because you were upset for so many reasons. The first was my dancing with Rod.”

  “Yes.”

  “The second was because I wouldn’t leave when you wanted me to.

  “I’m sorry.”

  The third, you were mad because I wouldn’t have sex with you in public.”

  “I’m such a dick.”

  “The fourth was you getting pissed off because I wouldn’t go home with you.”

  “I know.”

  “The fifth was when I told you I won’t move in with you.” My gaze hovers over her face, looking for any sign of her changing her mind. Nope. She hasn’t. I grit my teeth and look away from her. Yes. I’m still very put off by her telling me that she isn’t. I always will be upset until a moving truck is parked out in front of my apartment moving one of our things in or out of it.

  While watching the busy traffic, I say, “I’m sorry for making you mad about all the other things, but I’m not sorry for wanting you to move in with me.”

  “I’m not sorry for what I want, either. We both have our opinions on this. We both want more of each other, but to different degrees.”

  I kick my stare back to her and regard her before I say, “I want you forever, Becks. That’s my degree. What’s yours? Does our relationship have an expiration date if we don’t get married?”

  She oddly looks somewhat dismayed. “No.” I doubt it.

  “So far it does if we can’t even live under the same roof. We can’t keep going on like this.”

  “Then, what do we do?”

  I look back out to the busy road. “I don’t know, but things are going to get even worse for us.”

  “Why?”

  “I’m going to have to start working weekends more, so we won’t have as much time together. I’ll have a day or two off during the week, or maybe one on the weekend.”

  “Why?”

  “I have to do more locations on the weekends, some out of town. It’s the offseason for the most-watched sports, so they want me to expand my base for the dares, to gain more viewers online.”

  “Are you kidding me?”

  “No,” I blow out a huff of air. “We can always trade off on our nights during the week, or I can just stay with you since I don’t work as early, and it doesn’t bother me to have to drive. I-uh, I won’t be able to meet you on Wednesday for lunch or stay over tonight either.”

  “Why?”

  “Tonight, I have to work on part of my dare and I have to go to Philadelphia Wednesday morning.”

  “Your dare? Philadelphia for what, Finn? That’s way out of your viewing area!”

  “I have to go up there because we’re doing a dare collaboration with a few other affiliates. They want us to meet there to shoot it. I’ll be there until Friday morning for the final wrap up. I was hoping you could meet me at my mom’s Friday since you have the day off. I know it sucks for you to have to drive, too, but I want to spend Easter with you. We’re both off Monday, so that’ll give us all weekend to be together. I could dump the rental car up there and ride back home with you. Will you spend Easter with me still?”

  She nods. “Yeah, but we need to talk.”

  “We will. We can also make out in my old room.” That’s a sudden turn-on. I’m already thinking of us having sex in there while everyone else is downstairs. We’d have to try to be quiet and not get caught. I’ll try my hardest to make her scream and she’ll stubbornly fight to not be heard.

  I can’t fucking wait.

  Weakly smiling, she says, “I’d like that.”

  I play with her hair before tucking it behind her ear. I diffidently say, “Maybe you’ll let me get to at least second base.” I’m planning a homerun, baby. Bases loaded. More than once at bat. Multiple grand slams.

  “Maybe.” Becks smiles fades and she sighs. “I do want to be with you, Finn. Don’t ever think that I don’t want that. I’m just…” She looks over at Rod and my gaze trails hers. We then look back to each other.

  “I know, baby. We need to get past this, though, if we want to be together.”

  “Yes, Finn. We being the operative word. You need to give some, too, on your part.”

  I close my eyes for a few seconds, thinking of how I want to say the next thing without infuriating her more. I open my eyes and say, “I am, Becks. I said I’d move into your apartment and then we could find another place. I’ll do that for you. I’ll do that for us.”

  “But this feels like it’s just all for you. You get me to move in with you, but I don’t get any closer to what I want.”

  I hesitantly touch her fingers. She doesn’t pull away from me, so I take her hand and lace our fingers together. I love the way her skin feels against mine. “Becks, we’ll be together. Isn’t that all that should really matter? Baby, why are you making this so much harder than it should be?”

  “Why are you? Why don’t you want to be my husband?” Oh, baby, you don’t know how much I want to be your husband... I just can’t.

  This is killing me. I bite my lip, glance over her head and swallow to open up my constricting throat. “Becks, do we have to talk about this here?” I ask tightly, still trying to open up my throat.

  Ignoring my plea she says, “It really hurt me when you said those things. Private things about us. I didn’t make you wait for sex to be callous.” She chews on her lip, trying not to cry. My sweet Becks. She tries so hard to not cry in front of me. That’s what I’m here for, to comfort her. That’s my job. I just wish I was doing it last night instead of pushing her away from me. “I wanted us to get to know each other more before we took it to that level. What’s so wrong with that?” I respected that. It was just one of the hardest things I’ve had to endure. Not being able to be with Becks every day tops that.

  “Nothing. I wanted that, too, Becks. It was hard to wait; I admit that, because I was so in love with you. And I’m even more so now. It was worth the wait. I can’t believe I said those things to you. I wish I could take them back.”

  “What about the other things you said? How I won’t do certain things for you…”

  Which thing is she talking about? Shit. The blow job comments. “Oh. That.” I don’t even know how to apologize for saying those things to her.

  “I’m sorry I’m the worst girlfriend ever.”

  I let go of her hand and put both of mine on her upper arms and crouch to look into her eyes. “You’re not, Becks. I don’t even know what to say.” Maybe she’s never done that before and I’m giving her a hard time about it. We’ve actually never talked about it. We should sometime just so she knows that I still love her. Damn it. “I’m such a fucking asshole.”

&n
bsp; She takes a deep breath. “So Morgan says.” She’s going to be tearing me a new asshole soon, too.

  I hang my head. “I know.”

  “I hate fighting with you. I thought I lost you last night. I didn’t sleep, and I didn’t talk to Morgan or Rod much this morning.”

  I raise my head and nod. “It kills me, baby. That’s the whole point. Just arguing with you tears my heart out. I can’t imagine…”

  “Don’t then.”

  “I’ll try not to,” I respond, dejected at the thought of losing my Becks.

  She moves closer to me and puts her hands on my jacket. “Can we go back to saying that we’ll think about what the other wants?”

  I look into her eyes, but they drift down to her lips. Can I do that? Can I go back to actually considering marrying her? I hope so, but I already know my answer.

  “I can do that.”

  Becks stares at my lips, as well. “So can I. I’ll think about moving in with you, Finn. Just promise me that you’ll consider…” Fuck.

  “I will, baby. Just give me a couple months. Maybe less. Please?” Probably years. Shit.

  “Same here.”

  I nod and we quietly regard each other with small smiles. She then asks, “So, who do you have to go to Philadelphia with?”

  I sigh as I think about having to leave the state and Becks. “Milo and an intern. Ricky’s off the rest of this week, so I want to drag him up there with me. He doesn’t want to hang around Shay’s family all weekend.”

  “Oh. At least you won’t be alone.”

  “I’d rather be with you. If you didn’t have to work, I’d ask you to come to Philly with me.”

  She rolls her eyes. “That would be fun bunking with three other guys.”

  I play with her key. “They’d get their own room. That’s one dare I won’t be participating in. Nobody else gets to see you naked.” Along with her heart and soul, Becks’ body is all mine, too.

  She grins. “Oh, you think I’d be naked with you?”

  I flash a wide smile at her, now confident. “You wouldn’t be able to help yourself, Becks.”

  “Cocky aren’t you?” I thought she liked me cocky.

  I let go of her key charm and send my arms around her waist. “Hell, yeah.”