Searching for Steven (Whitsborough Bay Trilogy Book 1)

by Jessica Redland

  ‘Okay,’ she said the minute the door had closed again, ‘start talking now. What’s going on in that head of yours? You don’t seriously think he wants to try again, do you?’

  ‘I don’t know. I always thought Andy and I would get together again one day but the timing never seemed right. And now he’s back in the UK for good, I’m not with Jason anymore, and he’s called Steven.’

  Clare put her hands over her mouth and shook her head at me. ‘You need to stop that train of thought this minute.’ She took her hands away and started counting on her fingers. ‘Number one — he’s not Steven; he’s Andy. Number two — he’s back in the UK, but he lives in London. Four hours away. And number three — the most important one — you may not be with Jason anymore but you are with Nick. I haven’t met the guy but I like him already. You need to hang onto him instead of hanging onto your past.’

  I put my arms on the counter and cradled my head in them, my stomach churning.

  ‘Madame Louisa predicted this was going to happen.’

  ‘Did she?’

  I twisted my head to look at her. ‘She said I’d have to decide between the familiar or the new and should follow my heart, not my head.’

  ‘What will your heart be telling you? Andy or Nick? And can I just emphasise again that Steven is Andy’s middle name. Not his first name but his middle name.’

  ‘It’s still his name.’

  ‘And you still fancy the pants off Nick so don’t you be forgetting that,’ Clare said. ‘Oh Jesus. He’s back.’

  The door opened again. ‘Hi. Only me.’

  What was I going to do? I’d told Nick the night before that no Steven could be better than him then in walks the ‘Steven’ I always thought I’d be with forever. I could not, in a million years, have predicted that. But maybe it was nothing to worry about. Maybe Andy really had come for a drink with an old friend. Maybe he was owed some holiday and was at a loose end. Maybe he was on his way to see his Auntie Olive in Edinburgh. We were on the way there. Well, sort of. It’d be nice to catch up again. As friends. Nothing more. I was with Nick, and Andy was no threat to that. The butterflies in my stomach were nothing unusual. I always had them when Andy got in touch.

  I took a deep breath. Okay, so those butterflies were stronger than usual but that was only because I was so surprised to see him and also a little thrown by the Steven thing. Weren’t they?

  ‘Right, I’ll be going back to yours just now to get ready for our night out,’ announced Clare loudly when Andy closed the door. She pointed at him. ‘Don’t you keep her long or you’ll have me to answer to. We have plans.’

  I couldn’t help but smile at Clare’s obvious cheek. Poor Andy, already put in his place.

  ‘Hi,’ I said when the door closed. ‘You’re back.’

  ‘As promised. It’s clear you have plans but do you have time for that drink first?’

  I smiled. ‘A very quick one. Let me lock up and sort myself out. I’ll only be five minutes but you’ll need to stay quiet or I’ll lose count while I’m cashing up.’

  ‘I’m not sure I can stay quiet. How about you direct me to your favourite bar and I get the drinks in. You can join me when you’re done.’

  ‘Minty’s,’ I said. ‘It’s back up—’

  ‘I saw it earlier. I’ll see you there in about ten minutes. You still on dry white wine?’

  ‘Please.’

  I had to count my float eight times before I finally managed to balance it.

  Chapter 27

  Andy had secured a couple of comfy armchairs at the back of the bar. He was engrossed in something on his iPhone so didn’t look up. I paused in the doorway and took a moment to watch him, convincing myself he was really there and not an apparition from my past. He wore dark blue jeans, a deep purple shirt with a dark stripe, and a black cashmere sweater. It all looked very expensive. And very gorgeous.

  Eventually he looked up then smiled as he spotted me. ‘I was beginning to think you’d stood me up.’ He rose and moved in for another kiss on the cheek then a hug although he didn’t hold on so long this time. A wave of nostalgia swept over me as I inhaled the familiar smell of his aftershave. I’d always loved that scent.

  ‘Sorry. It took longer than expected. Thanks for the wine.’ I sat down and took a gulp.

  ‘You’re welcome. It’s good to see you, Sarah.’

  ‘You said that earlier.’

  ‘Then you’ll know I’m not lying. You look great.’

  It was on the tip of my tongue to make some comment about being at least two stone heavier since the last time he saw me, but I was worried it might sound like I was fishing for compliments. ‘Why are you here, Andy?’

  His eyes widened then he laughed. ‘Straight to the point. You’ve obviously been taking lessons from Clare.’

  ‘It’s nothing to do with Clare,’ I said. ‘I just can’t imagine why you’ve come all this way on the off-chance I may be free for a drink.’

  ‘I tried to phone but it was your old work number.’

  ‘Of course. Sorry about that.’

  ‘Sarah. I have to ask you something…’

  My heart raced as Clare’s words popped into my head about him being here to propose. She’d been joking, but what if…?

  ‘Why didn’t you email me, then?’ I asked. ‘Why come all the way up here?’

  ‘Isn’t it obvious?’

  ‘No.’

  He smiled, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. For a moment, he looked tired and vulnerable just like he had the night we got together when he’d thought I may have hooked up with Matt instead.

  ‘I’ve missed you,’ he said.

  Oh my God! ‘You’ve missed me?’ It was barely a whisper.

  He nodded. ‘Living overseas away from friends and family gives you lots of thinking time and you’re all I’ve been able to think about recently. I always thought we’d get back together one day, but that was never going to happen while I was abroad and you were with Jason. But now I’m back and Jason is out of the equation. I know I should have emailed but I just had to see you and…’ He stopped and ran his hand through his hair. ‘Kelly and I… well… it was never like it was with you. Nobody has ever come close to what we had together. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved, Sarah. Is there any chance we can try again?’

  For nearly a decade, I’d longed to hear those words. I’d imagined dozens of movie-perfect scenarios where Andy would come back into my life and sweep me off my feet. The trauma of our break-up would be instantly forgotten. I’d see the pain and regret in his eyes for letting me walk out of his life then we’d share a kiss so passionate that those wasted years would melt away and we’d know that our future together was sealed forever.

  Only this wasn’t one of those moments. I genuinely didn’t know how to react.

  ‘Say something,’ he pleaded. ‘You’re making me nervous.’

  ‘I don’t know what you want me to say, Andy.’ I took another gulp of my wine as I tried to gather my thoughts.

  ‘I want you to say you feel the same way but I’m guessing that’s not the case.’ He stood up. ‘I’m sorry, Sarah. I should go. This is probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. Can we just forget about it and go back to being friends?’

  ‘Sit down,’ I said.

  ‘It’s okay. You don’t have to humour me. I’ll leave.’ He picked up his coat.

  ‘Andrew Steven Kerr, stop being a child and sit down right now.’ My stomach lurched as I said his middle name. ‘I didn’t exactly wake up this morning with a speech prepared just in case you turned up out of the blue and announced you wanted to try again. It’s so unexpected. But I would like to hear you out.’

  Andy didn’t look convinced but sat down anyway. ‘Okay. I’ll stay. Where do you want me to start?’

  It was on the tip of my tongue to re
peat my first question of, ‘Why are you here?’ but another more burning one popped into my mind. And, as soon as it did, I knew it was the most important question and whatever happened next depended on his answer. ‘There’s something that I need to know.’ I looked deep into his eyes. ‘I need to know why you treated me the way you did when we started work.’

  He took a sharp intake of breath but managed to hold my gaze.

  ‘We’ve never talked about it,’ I continued, ‘and I’ve always felt like it’s the elephant in the room each time we’ve met up. I need to know what happened to us, Andy.’

  Andy returned my stare for a short but agonising moment. I felt my resolve slipping and bit my lip. Don’t flinch. Don’t tell him it’s fine and there’s no need to open old wounds because you need this. He owes you this.

  Finally he spoke. ‘You’re right. You’re absolutely right. It’s something I probably should have told you about years ago.’ He took a swig of his pint. ‘Remember when we first got together and Matt stopped hanging around with us because he’d hoped you’d be his girlfriend?’

  I nodded wondering what Matt had to do with anything. ‘I always felt sad that he stopped being our friend. He was a really great guy.’

  Andy lowered his gaze and stared into his pint. ‘Great guy? Yeah. I’d thought that too. Turns out we didn’t really know him…’

  For the next forty minutes or so, I listened in amazement as Andy revealed a whole new side to Matt; a very nasty side that, ultimately, led to our break-up.

  Andy explained that, for the rest of our time at university, Matt tormented him continually. On the same course as Andy, he bad-mouthed him to his classmates, sabotaged his homework, and started a rumour that he’d been cheating in exams, which led to a huge departmental investigation. He stole his library card, taking books out in his name then failing to return them so Andy ran up huge fines. In hundreds of little ways, he made life very difficult for Andy, but Andy had no physical proof that any of the problems were of Matt’s doing so he couldn’t take things any further.

  When the degree results were announced, Matt — naturally intelligent with little need to work hard — achieved a first class degree and Andy got an upper second. Although this was a great result and secured Andy a place on a good graduate scheme, Matt secured a better job; more esteemed company, higher pay, better benefits, greater prospects. After our graduation ceremony, his parting shot to Andy had been, ‘You’ll never be a success. You may have won the girl but you’ll never beat me at anything else. I’ve got a better degree than you, a better job than you, and I’ll always be several steps ahead of you in my career. You’ll always be a loser.’

  The bullying didn’t stop. Matt kept in touch with Andy after we started work. He’d regularly send Andy emails telling him how great his career was and how much of a loser Andy was.

  Andy had managed to ignore Matt at university because I’d been around as a constant reminder that he had everything he wanted but, after graduating, the distance was too hard and he started to lose his confidence. Matt’s mind-game emails got to him and he made a couple of careless mistakes at work quite early on. His manager gave him a ‘pull your socks up or you’re out’ pep talk which scared him. He realised he could let Matt ruin his life or he could throw himself into his career and prove Matt wrong.

  ‘So you threw yourself into your career,’ I said.

  ‘Yes. But he still won because giving my all to the job meant I lost the one person that meant everything to me. I lost you. Matt was right. I was a loser.’

  ‘What a nasty piece of work.’ I shook my head, absolutely stunned by what I’d heard. Then I felt a major pang of guilt. ‘I’m sorry I made things harder for you by ending it. You must have been having such a crap time. I should have talked to you about it instead of throwing my toys out the pram and ending it.’

  ‘No. You did the right thing. I was a rubbish boyfriend. I wouldn’t have listened to you if you’d tried. You couldn’t be expected to keep a relationship going with someone who couldn’t even give you five minutes for a phone conversation, never mind a whole weekend together; someone who could barely afford you two minutes of his time when you travelled unexpectedly to London to see him.’

  ‘I was just thinking about that recently,’ I said. ‘I cried all the way home that night.’

  ‘You looked so hurt. It’s haunted me ever since.’

  ‘Really? I didn’t think you’d noticed.’

  ‘I did. It tore me apart as much as it did you, but I had to prove to Matt that I had a great career too, which meant giving everything to my job. It became an obsession. Looking back, it seems so stupid now.’

  I shook my head again. ‘I can’t believe you never told me any of this.’

  ‘I wanted to ignore it and pretend it wasn’t happening. Telling someone would have made it more real. Does that make sense?’

  I smiled. ‘You’re speaking to the expert at burying her head in the sand. I stayed with Jason for a year longer than I should have because I didn’t want to accept it wasn’t working. I understand better than anyone.’

  Andy ran his fingers through his hair and exhaled. ‘I have to admit, it feels a relief to finally tell you. Even if it is eight years too late.’

  ‘I don’t know what to say, Andy. It explains so much. It took me two years to get over you. Did you realise that? Two years! You should have told me.’

  ‘How do you admit that you’re being bullied in your twenties? It happens at school, but you don’t expect it to continue at university or, even worse, when you’re at work. I felt so pathetic for not being able to handle it. Matt had already made me feel like the loser he told me I was. I didn’t want anyone else to think that of me; especially you.’

  ‘I wouldn’t have done. Surely you know that? I’d have supported you.’

  ‘Do you know how many times I’ve kicked myself over the years for not talking to you? You’d have understood. You’d have helped me. But I was too stressed to think logically.’

  I took a long sip of wine as my mind processed everything I’d learned. ‘Do you ever hear from Matt now?’

  ‘No. His career took a nosedive about five years ago when mine took off. He made some mistake at work and lost his company a big client. He stopped emailing me after that.’

  ‘Did you gloat?’

  ‘I was tempted. I spent hours compiling abusive emails, but never sent any. It would have made me no better than him so I consider it a silent victory.’ He smiled mischievously. ‘It still feels good!’

  ‘I bet it does. I’m stunned, Andy. I know I was only friends with Matt for one term but I would have sworn he was a decent guy. I—’

  ‘I’m not making it up, you know.’

  ‘I wasn’t saying you were. Who’d make up something like that? I was about to say I suppose you never really know a person.’

  ‘I don’t think any of us really knew him,’ Andy said gently. ‘Anyway, it’s all over now and I’m just glad you and I managed to find a way to be friends again after how I treated you.’ He paused and reached for my hand. ‘I wanted to run after you that day you came to work.’

  A little shiver of pleasure ran through me at his touch and my heart started racing again. ‘Why didn’t you?’ I whispered.

  ‘I’ve asked myself that question so many times. I just wasn’t in a good place. You were another distraction in my battle with Matt and it seemed easier to let you go. I never stopped thinking about you and regretting what happened. Look what I carry around with me.’

  He let go of my hand, reached into his wallet and handed over a creased photo. I gasped and those butterflies went wild again. It was the picture of us in Rhodes that prompted me to get in touch with him again and rebuild our friendship. How incredibly romantic!

  ‘It’s been in there for years,’ he continued. ‘Every time I feel down or lonely I look at your
smiling face and I feel better. That’s why it’s so creased, I’ve taken it out that many times.’

  Tears pricked my eyes at the thought of him being so sentimental. It was the sort of thing the old Andy would do. ‘I have another question,’ I said. ‘Why now?’

  Andy flashed me a dazzling smile; the kind of expensive-looking smile that Simon Cowell would be proud of. ‘Our firm had a big barbeque in July. My manager took me aside and told me that I’d done a great job with my project. I could either commit to phase two which meant another three years in Dubai or I could return to the UK for good. He laughed and said that he’d normally give someone a month to talk over such a big decision with their family, but seeing as I didn’t have anyone, he’d give me a week.’

  ‘That was a bit harsh.’

  ‘Harsh? Yes. But he had a point. Kelly and I had split up for good a few months earlier and I had nobody to factor into any decision-making. I went home that evening and got your photo out. It struck me that, for years, I’d been talking to your photo when I really should’ve been talking to you in person. I picked up the phone, but then I had this light bulb moment. I realised I didn’t just want to speak to you; I wanted to be with you. Reading between the lines on your emails, I didn’t think you were happy with Jason, which meant me being abroad was the biggest barrier to us trying again. I’d just been handed the opportunity to remove that barrier so I gave my boss my decision the next day. I just hoped you still felt the same way about me. Unfortunately, I had to do five agonising months in Dubai to hand over the reins, but I came to find you as soon as I got back.’

  I watched Andy visibly relax now that he’d confessed all. I knew that in the romantic movie of our lives, I’d cry and tell him I’d loved him all these years too and we’d both live happily ever after. But something was holding me back. I suddenly felt quite overwhelmed by the huge amount of unexpected information he’d shared. A beep from my mobile made me jump.

  * From Clare

  Where the hell are you? It’s nearly 7 and we’re meant to be meeting the boys at half past. Get your arse home NOW!