Searching for Steven (Whitsborough Bay Trilogy Book 1)

by Jessica Redland

  ‘I’m sorry Andy, I’ve got to go.’ I stood up. ‘Clare’s here. We’re meeting friends. I’m late.’

  He stood up too and held my coat for me. ‘I understand. I wouldn’t dream of asking if I can join you as I’m sure you don’t want me disrupting things…’

  He was clearly angling for an invite but there was just no way. Imagine that conversation: ‘Andy, meet Stevie who I met online when stalking men called Steven because, when I was eighteen, a clairvoyant told me that the man of my dreams would be called that. Stevie could have been my boyfriend because he’s got the right name, but when we kissed there was no chemistry so we’re just great mates. And meet Nick who currently is my boyfriend and who I strongly believe could be The One although I resisted him for ages because he isn’t called Steven. Guys, meet Andy. Andy was the first love of my life who has now just told me I’m the only woman he’s ever loved and he wants me back. And, guess what, his middle name’s Steven! I’m sure you’re all going to be the best of friends. Can I get anyone a drink?’ I shuddered.

  ‘So, I’ll just finish this and head off then?’

  I nodded. ‘Sorry. If I’d known you were coming… will you go back tonight?’

  ‘I booked myself into The Ramparts Hotel for a week.’

  ‘A week? It’s Christmas. Don’t you have a home to go to?’

  ‘Spending time with you right now is more important than being with my parents for Christmas. I know it may have been impulsive turning up but I want you to know I didn’t expect an immediate ‘yes’ which is why I’ve booked a week. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to spend a lot more time with you and see if there’s any chance of picking up where we left off all those years ago. ’

  ‘I’m sorry, Andy. You’re probably not getting the reaction you were hoping for. Surprised would be an understatement.’

  ‘I understand.’ His dark eyes twinkled and my stomach did another flip. It was the way his eyes danced with excitement and passion that first attracted me to him all those years ago.

  ‘I’ll stay for as long as it takes for you to realise I’m the only one for you,’ he said. ‘Always have been. Always will be.’ He reached forward and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear while I held my breath.

  Oh. My. God! This couldn’t be happening. After all these years. How long had I waited for him to say those words? How many times had I replayed that fantasy in my head? And every single time it had ended with a kiss. And a fair bit more. But now that it was finally happening, was it more of a case of be careful what you wish for? Something wasn’t right. I couldn’t deal with it right now. I had an irate Clare at home and my new boyfriend to meet.

  ‘I’m sorry, Andy. I have to go…’

  Chapter 28

  ‘The arrogant little shit.’

  ‘Eloquent as always, Clare.’ I pulled my scarf tighter round my neck as we headed back into town an hour later, brollies doing battle against the wind and rain that had whipped up since meeting Andy. I hoped a storm wasn’t on its way.

  ‘Well, he is,’ she said. ‘I really liked him while he was at university, but I think that guy is long gone. I think his high-flying career and huge pay packet have gone to his head and he reckons he can get whatever he wants at the click of his fingers. Plus that line about you knowing he’s always been and always will be The One? I think you may need a paramedic to get his head out of his arse.’

  ‘I liked it. It felt romantic at the time. You really think he’s arrogant?’

  ‘And you don’t? It takes some major arrogance to turn up unannounced to see your ex and book yourself into a hotel for a week while you try to worm your way back into her life without even checking whether or not she’s single. I hope you told him you were seeing Nick.’

  I stopped walking.

  ‘Sarah! Why the hell not?’

  Because I’d dreamed of that moment for years and saying nothing was a million times better than jumping on him and dragging him home to bed for old times sake because that’s what was going through my mind while he poured his heart out about Matt. But, of course, I didn’t say that. ‘Lack of opportunity? I felt sorry for him? I thought he might judge me for moving on so quickly? And…’ I paused.

  ‘And?’ Clare glared at me.

  ‘He’s called Steven.’

  ‘How many times? He’s NOT called Steven. He’s called ANDREW.’

  ‘But Steven’s his middle name.’

  ‘So what?’ She grabbed my arm and started walking again. ‘If he’s the one for you, why didn’t your clairvoyant say your future husband would be called Andrew? I know I said some stuff was vague but she was very specific on that point. If you’re going to believe it then you have to believe it all. A middle name is too tenuous, so it is.’

  ‘Maybe, but I can’t stop thinking about that and the fact that, even before I knew the clairvoyant tape existed, I always believed we’d get together one day.’

  ‘Even during your first year with Jason when things were going well?’

  ‘Well, maybe not then…’

  ‘You want to know what I think?’

  ‘Do I have a choice?’

  Clare gave me ‘the look’. ‘I think you loved Andy at uni. He was your first serious boyfriend and you were good together, but you both changed when you graduated and it fell apart. Instead of remembering why it fell apart, you’re remembering all the good times to a point where you’ve built him into this perfect being who you somehow believe you’re meant to have a second chance with. You’ve been thinking about this second chance for so long that you’ve made it a fait accompli. The fact that his middle name links with your search for Steven just adds credence to your beliefs and now you’re willing to jeopardise your new relationship with someone who could be your future for someone who was your past and should remain in your past for all the reasons it ended in the first place. Am I right or am I right?’

  Was she?

  ‘I’ll take your silence as a sign that I’m either spot on or I’m close. Is this the pub?’

  I nodded and started to lower my brolly.

  ‘Your lovely new man, from what you tell me, is in there waiting for you. Keep remembering that you’ve been swept off your feet by him, Sarah. You think that much of him that, until a few hours ago, you’d completely given up your search for Steven to be with him. I’ll emphasise again that Andy’s in your past and he should stay there, but Nick could be your future. If you don’t screw it up.’

  Before I could say another word she pushed me through the door of The Old Theatre.

  ‘You’ve already met?’ I was surprised to find Nick at a table with Stevie and Rob, half-empty pints in front of them all.

  Nick stood up and gave me a quick, but very soft and lovely peck on the lips, setting the butterflies away again. ‘Stevie and I have met before,’ he said.

  ‘No! How come?’

  ‘I’m a mate of Stuart’s,’ Stevie said.

  ‘Stuart?’

  ‘Skye’s fiancé,’ Nick said. ‘I keep forgetting you haven’t met him yet.’

  ‘Crikey. Small town.’ I shook some rain off my brolly and leaned it against the table.

  Clare coughed behind me. ‘Sorry. Clare, this is Nick. Nick, Clare.’

  Introductions over, we shed our coats and scarves while Stevie headed to the bar for another round. I sighed shakily as I sat down next to Nick.

  ‘Sorry we’re late. Did you get my text?’

  ‘Yes, but I was already here. It was fine. It’s been good to catch up with Stevie. Are you okay? You look a bit stressed.’ He tenderly touched my arm. My heart raced at his touch and I wanted nothing more but to cuddle him tightly and remove the last few hours from existence. But it wasn’t that simple. Andy’s reappearance had stirred up a whirlpool of hidden emotions and I had no idea what to do next.

  ‘I’m fine.’ I was
aware that my voice sounded high and squeaky. ‘Busy day and you know how much I hate being late.’

  Nick gazed into my eyes. I couldn’t hold eye contact.

  ‘I’m not going to push you, but something’s unsettled you in the last few hours. You were fine when you phoned earlier but you’re distracted now. I’m here for you if you want to talk about it. Whatever it is.’ He gave me such a warm, reassuring smile that my heart melted. Damn Andy for re-appearing and throwing a spanner in the works. And damn him for having the right name. Nick didn’t deserve this. Neither did I.

  ‘Thanks, Nick.’ I squeezed his hand. ‘I may take you up on that offer later.’

  ‘Oi you two, stop canoodling and pay attention to your friends,’ called Clare across the table. Her eyes caught mine and the expression asked if I was okay. I nodded and smiled weakly.

  ‘Is Stevie brewing these drinks himself?’ I joked, craning my neck to see him trying to get served at the bar. ‘A girl could die of thirst in here.’ Or of guilt.

  Despite the emotional turmoil presented by Andy’s reappearance, I still managed to have a great evening. I was glad that Stevie and Nick got on so well. They even exchanged numbers as Stevie said that he could probably put some business Nick’s way.

  More importantly, Nick met with Clare’s approval, which was a relief after her contempt for Jason. ‘I can’t believe you’d even consider Andy when you’ve got a man like Nick,’ she said on a visit to the ladies. ‘Nick’s a keeper. He clearly idolises you and I can tell you feel the same. If that eejit Andy hadn’t shown up today, you wouldn’t even be questioning your relationship. You were so right to ditch the Steven search for him. Don’t let Andy back into your life. I beg you.’

  Nick walked us home. The rain had eased a little but the wind hadn’t. I felt a storm brewing, physically and metaphorically. Clare announced she’d make drinks then head up to bed with hers and several rounds of toast to soak up the alcohol. Left alone in the cool lounge, I curled up on the opposite end of the sofa to Nick and pulled a throw over our legs for warmth. Twenty-four hours earlier we’d been snuggled on the sofa and I’d felt like I hadn’t a care in the world. What a difference a day could make.

  I looked at Nick’s concerned expression. I didn’t want to hurt him but I had to tell him. ‘You were right about something unsettling me this afternoon. I don’t know what to make of it but I think honesty is really important in a relationship so I’m going to tell you even though it might hurt you.’

  Nick sighed. ‘This sounds ominous. Should I be worried?’

  I couldn’t reassure him. ‘I don’t know where to start.’ My eyes filled with tears.

  ‘The beginning?’

  Clare poked her head round the door, passed me two mugs of tea, then closed the door, leaving the enticing aroma of toast hanging in the air. Bloody Andy! The three of us could have been laughing and joking over tea and toast instead of Clare feeling banished to her room while I had one of the hardest conversations of my life.

  ‘When we went to the pub after Auntie Kay tried to set us up, do you remember me telling you about Andy?’

  ‘Your boyfriend at university? The one in Dubai?’ Nick blew on his tea.

  ‘I haven’t seen him for about fifteen months, but he emailed me recently to say he was coming back to the UK for good. I told him I’d split up with Jason and moved back home. He turned up at the shop this afternoon.’

  Nick put his tea on the coffee table. ‘I’m guessing he wasn’t after mates rates on a bouquet?’

  ‘No. He wants to try again.’

  ‘And you said…?’

  My cheeks flushed. ‘I said it was out of the blue and I didn’t know what to say or think.’

  ‘Did you tell him about us?’

  ‘No,’ I admitted in a small voice, hanging my head in shame.

  ‘Any reason?’ He didn’t sound mad, just hurt.

  ‘Clare asked me the same thing. She’s furious with him, by the way, for thinking he can just walk back into my life. I don’t know why I didn’t mention it. We only had a brief conversation and I couldn’t think how to throw it in. I mean, he travelled all the way here to tell me he loves me. I didn’t want to hurt him by throwing it back in his face.’

  ‘He told you he loves you?’ Too honest, Sarah. Why did you have to say that?

  ‘Not in so many words,’ I muttered. ‘He didn’t actually say, “I love you Sarah”. He just said I was the only woman he’d ever loved.’

  ‘Isn’t that the same thing?’

  ‘Er…’ I knew I was doing the right thing in telling him about Andy. I also knew that Nick meant the world to me and, if the pained expression in his eyes was anything to go by, I was breaking his heart. What I really didn’t know was how I felt about Andy anymore. Half of me was screaming that it felt so right with Nick and he really could be The One despite being a non-Steven. But the other half was screaming that I’d always believed Andy was The One and, here he was, begging me to get back with him… And he was a Steven… well, sort of.

  ‘How did you leave things?’

  ‘He’s staying at The Ramparts. I didn’t ask him to. He’d already booked himself in. I guess I’ll meet him at some point to talk.’

  Nick studied my face for what felt like a lifetime. ‘There’s something else, isn’t there?’ How could he possibly know? As if reading my mind, he said, ‘Remember that I’ve worked with children with seriously messed up lives for years. I’m not saying you’re seriously messed up or anything! I just mean that I can spot when someone’s not telling me everything.’

  I stared at the empty fire. ‘I hadn’t thought about it until he walked into the shop and Clare said it aloud.’

  ‘Said what?’

  ‘His name.’

  ‘What about it?’ I turned to face him and saw realisation dawn. ‘No. Don’t say his middle name is…’

  ‘Steven,’ I said. ‘Andrew Steven Kerr. Clare and Andy always wound each other up by saying each other’s full names because Clare hates her middle name. They did it today.’

  Nick looked as though I’d punched him in the stomach. ‘I thought you’d given up on the search for Steven.’

  ‘I had. It’s just… I…’ A tear rolled down my cheek.

  He reached out and took my hand. ‘Don’t cry, Sarah. I get it. I do. It sounds like you need some time and space right now so I’m going to make things easy for you and suggest we take a break.’ He swallowed hard. ‘I think the world of you and I believe we have something pretty special. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I think we could have a great future together. But you and Andy have a past together. If you don’t explore the Steven connection and whether the timing is finally right for you both, you and I won’t survive because he’d always be there in the background like a ghost and you’d always be wondering what if?’

  ‘But…’ The words caught in my throat as another tear trailed down my cheek. Nick tenderly wiped it away again with a shaking finger.

  ‘It’s for the best.’ He removed the throw from his legs and stood up. ‘I should go.’

  I nodded, unable to speak as more tears fell. I followed him to the door in a daze. Had we really just split up? Had it ended twenty-four hours after it started? It didn’t feel real. I hadn’t made a decision about Andy. I hadn’t wanted to split up with Nick; I’d just wanted to be honest with him. I’d only wanted him to know I was going to meet with Andy to understand more about why he was here; I wasn’t planning to run off with him.

  ‘Goodbye, Sarah.’ He hugged me tightly then disappeared down the garden path into the darkness and the rain.

  I shivered as I leaned against the doorframe, the wind whipping my hair across my face, trying to hold onto the last view of his silhouette. I had to fight hard against the urge to chase after him and beg him to stay because I knew he was right; not exploring things with Andy would
leave too many unanswered questions and too much pressure on my relationship with Nick.

  The sky lit up followed by a deep rumble. The storm had broken. I started to shake.

  ‘You’ll freeze if you stand there all night,’ said a soft voice right behind me. Clare reached round me and gently closed the door. ‘Come here you.’

  ‘He ended it,’ I whispered as I sunk into her arms and sobbed.

  A knock on the door a few minutes later made us both jump. Clare released me and opened it cautiously. ‘Can I speak to Sarah?’ asked Nick.

  Clare moved aside. Rain trickled down his face and his dark hair lay flat against his head. A flashback appeared in my head of Andy standing in the doorway of my room twelve years previously on the night we got together. What was it with storms and the key emotional moments in my life?

  ‘You’ve changed your mind?’ Please say yes. We’ll find a way through this. I want you in my life.

  ‘No. But I couldn’t leave without saying something. I really am going to give you the time and space you need to decide whether you want to try again with Andy. But I don’t want you to make the decision thinking it’s been easy for me to walk away from you because I’m not that bothered or because we only got together last night. I said you mean the world to me but that was a cop-out. Andy says he loves you. Well, so do I. I didn’t want to say it because I didn’t want to scare you by being too serious too soon. I know we only met two months ago but I already can’t imagine my life without you in it. You’re amazing, Sarah. You’re beautiful, funny, kind and intelligent. I’m so impressed with what you’ve done with Kay’s business and I was excited about supporting you as you go from strength to strength. The minute I met you before Callie’s wedding, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m not someone who believes in love at first sight but it happened to me that day.’ He paused for breath.

  He loves me? I opened my mouth to speak but no words came.

  ‘Please don’t say anything,’ he said. ‘You need to meet Andy to talk but you need to have the full picture first. I’m not going to get in touch with you again. It’s up to you to make the next move if you want to. You’ve got all my contact details. If you decide that this thing with Andy was over years ago, it’s just a coincidence that Steven’s his middle name, and you do want to be with me after all, you know where I am. But you need to be completely over your search for Steven because I definitely can’t do this again. I hope you will come back to me. I’ll be waiting for you, Sarah. However long it takes.’