UnCaged Destiny

by Lisa Farrell

  Pyrs had been searching within himself to find a way to either postpone saying anything or avoid it altogether. He finally accepted that he had no choice but tell her the truth. He knew that with each word there stood a strong chance of losing her completely, but he knew he would hurt her even more if he didn’t say it. Pyrs felt betrayed by the universe. He had waited all his life to meet a woman like this. He had given up believing years ago that a woman like her even existed. He had given up hope and was resigned to just existing. When he had lost hope in women and the idea of love altogether, he had made a vow and signed a contract that now left him helpless and without choice. Now, looking directly into her eyes, he was speechless. Like the cowardly fool he knew he was, Pyrs turned away from her and uttered words that resulted in her collapsing on the floor.

  Bittersweet

  Everything is permissible, but not everything is helpful. Everything is permissible, but not everything builds up. .

  —1 Corinthians 10:23

  Cage was not sure what happened. Was she dreaming? When she regained consciousness, she found herself in his bed with a wet towel on her forehead and Pyrs kneeling next to her with a terrified look on his face. She had developed dizzy spells over the past two weeks and wondered if she was in bed because of her fainting. It was then that his words came to her, playing over and over in her head. This was not a dream. Pyrs had just confessed to her that he was getting married…he was getting married…and to someone else.

  He had mentioned early in their friendship that during a low moment, he had agreed to a long-distance relationship with another woman. However, Pyrs made it sound as if he was very unhappy and was getting out of the arrangement. Being a man of honor, he wouldn’t do anything to go against his word or to bring dishonor to this woman. But Pyrs’s words tonight described more than just a simple arrangement—this was an impending marriage. Still feeling light-headed, Cage fought to get up. Deeply embarrassed, she needed to get away from him.

  Cage grabbed her keys and ran out of his house. Feeling like a fool, she refused to let him see her cry, but by the time she made it to her car, she was already shaking and in tears. She tried to hold on to the car as she slid to the pavement, crying. What had she done to deserve this? She had protected her body and her heart for so long. She was nothing like she had been before. She had lived in a cage, never letting anyone get close to her. She had stayed protected behind her walls. Now she sat shattered and in tears; she trusted him and had allowed herself to love him. It was all a lie.

  Pyrs tried to stop her from leaving. But he saw the rage and hurt in her eyes were growing, and he was not sure he could restrain her. So he followed her. He couldn’t let her drive home in her shaken condition. This was all his fault. The one person he had promised to never hurt now lay in the street because of him. When she sensed his presence, she got up and jumped in the car, but his quick reflexes allowed him to open the passenger-side door in time and jump in. He grabbed her keys and tried to explain himself to her, praying that somewhere in the universe, an angel might hear his plea.

  Words bounced around in her head as she tried to listen to his voice. She turned her face occasionally, nodding when necessary to his mumbled sounds and trying to appear as if she was listening intently. She knew he was speaking to her, and she knew she should listen to him, but it just didn’t make any sense. He did not love her, and it was all a lie. Their friendship…that moment on the beach…they were all lies. No matter the direction of his words, the fact was still there staring her in the face. There was no escaping it. He did not love her.

  Did it really matter anymore if she heard what he said? All of this was pointless. She nodded a few times and even muttered a few words while looking at his eyes but never really into them. Then she heard it. At first, she thought the sound resembled that of glass-shattering and that it originated from outside of the car. He didn’t seem to hear it, or maybe he was just trying to ignore it. She tried to turn her head without him noticing her straying attention to where she thought the sound was coming from. After a quick review of their surroundings, she could not pinpoint the source. But she could still hear it, even above his aching voice, and it was getting much louder.

  Why was he still pretending as if he couldn’t hear it? She could hear it echoing in both her ears. She tried to focus and listen to it, in hopes that she could find the source. With her eyes set on his face, making sure not to make eye contact for fear that she would break into tears, she concentrated on deciphering the sound.

  There it was again, but this time she could hear a dull force. To her it sounded as if something was falling, like glass, but not that fragile. The sound resembled what a building might sound like on demolition day if played at a slow speed. This was crazy. Why was he still speaking? Or maybe it was her…was she losing her mind? This could be considered a highly stressful moment. Perhaps she was on her way to a padded room in a psychiatric hospital. The thought elicited a quick giggle from her, which escaped too fast and was clearly audible between his monologues. Yes, she was clearly losing it.

  Then, Cage had been able to feel the sound long before it reached her ears. His words would have been easier for her to accept if the sound was coming from outside the car. She would have felt better if he had been playing a trick on her all this time. That would have made more sense and would have been easier to digest than this. Cage noticed things more than she wished she did, and her sense of empathy was way too evolved for her liking, sometimes leaving her in a trance. But this was completely new.

  Cage struggled between her own tears and the defensive verbal venom she fought to hold back. She hated Pyrs for what he was saying and reeled from the thought of having to mend her delicate and fragile heart once again. She had been so wrapped in a blanket of her own feelings that it had never fully occurred to her that she had been blind to what was actually occurring right in front of her. Refocusing, she blinked away an escaping tear, afraid of allowing the Judas tear to expose her pain. She struggled to be selfish and focus on her heart, but the sound was stronger. Against her will, she looked to the true source and knew instantly that her intuition had been correct.

  Right before her sat a man who spoke calmly of choosing a different path and a different journey—one that would take him permanently away from her. He tried his best to remain composed and be cautiously humorous about the whole situation. He was vigilant with his word choice, as he knew what conflict their recent intimacy and what he was telling her would mean and how it could nullify everything he had previously said or done for her. But the sound echoed from the cavity of his chest with each word, and to the untrained eye, he appeared happy and at peace with his decision. However, she knew that his eyes were the true portal to his soul. And it was in his eyes that she could see the slow demolition of his heart as his voice tried to mask the deafening sound of his heart breaking.

  But this wasn’t about him—it was her moment. One where she should be angry. She should be allowed to hurt and cry alone. But that breaking sound was haunting her, and each second seemed to stretch for eternity. She whispered to God and his angels and asked why. Why must she endure the shattering of her own heart and now his? It was all his fault; she wished to the heavens she had never met him. He should have left her as she was. Had she mastered the masked smile and kept her expectations of others low, there would have been no disappointment or hurt. Her bandaged heart had seen enough battles and had survived enough wars. Why was he doing this to her now? Was the universe in on this conspiracy? Surely the angels had already seen her life’s plot. Hadn’t she suffered enough?

  His eyes did not give her the peace that his words tried to give her. His heart was breaking right before her, and with each crack, she felt less and less obligated to hide and protect her own heart. She felt the need to reach out and mend his. With her broken heart tucked beneath her smile, she told him it was okay, along with every other well-wishing word she could muster—all the while hiding the fact that she was also b
reaking on the inside. As she drove away, she hoped she had left him feeling relieved and at peace with his choice. Yet she knew deep down that she may never be at peace, though she knew it could result in the destruction of what she now held dear.

  Changing Pieces

  For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.

  —Ecclesiastes 3:1

  The shattered, beating mosaic pieces were all that was left of her heart. There wasn’t enough hope left within her to keep it glued together. She had tried for so long to cling to the belief that she could find and hold on to love. Yet, as she swept up the fallen, jagged pieces of this last attempt, she had to accept that maybe this was the last time she would experience this type of hurt. Though bittersweet, she could not do it anymore. She had nothing left to give. Another failed attempt at love would surely be her demise. There is a fine line where bravery crosses over to stupidity, and she was tired of sweeping away the pieces.

  Cage always knew she was different from her friends and family. She had been taught early not to believe in the fairy tale of love. “See it for what it is,” they would say. “Don’t chase after fool’s gold!” But she didn’t listen to the negative stories. Deep in her heart, she believed her creator would not have made her capable of loving if she was not destined to love. However, this recent experience made her doubt and wonder. Maybe she isn’t designed for this. Her previous jumps into the deep end of love had only left her with deep scars.

  Pyrs’s words had lost their meaning. His word choice brought no understanding—only tears. How could he expect everything to be okay? It was so comical! Did he think she would tear away her burnt feathers and rise again? Was this some sick, twisted mind game? She thought there were more compassionate serial killers in prison, but then again, a broken heart never got anyone twenty to life as a prison sentence. Personally, Cage believed there should be some jail time for this offense and that some legislation needed to be passed to protect the hearts of the defenseless.

  As the week progressed, Cage couldn’t make it into work, no matter how much she tried. She felt weak and did not have enough willpower to even try. She asked her doctor to grant her sick leave with the excuse of exhaustion. Due to the culmination of recent events and the fact that Dr. Hanley was one of her best friends, he readily agreed to the request with the one caveat: she was to call him every day so he could ensure that she was okay. He knew her true life story and had secretly hoped this friendship with Pyrs would have developed into the love he knew Cage deserved. Unfortunately, he could only keep her physically healthy, as remedying her broken heart was not his specialty.

  It was three days before she allowed herself to check her phone messages and e-mails. She had blocked his number, so there was little chance he could contact her. To her surprise, her phone and inbox were filled with meeting requests and business opportunities. For years, Cage had played it by the books, mastering her skills while enduring some less-than-perfect employment situations. It isn’t that she did not like the marketing field; she just didn’t like manipulating innocent people to buy from or support companies that did nothing for society. Recently, because of Pyrs’s comments regarding self-motivation, she had started putting herself out there and was taking small risks to develop her own brand and to form her own marketing company to support entrepreneurs making a difference. Still, she never expected her phone to blow up like this. Various people had been trying to contact her and involve her in multiple projects or develop projects with her. If everything else in her life wasn’t falling to pieces, she would have thought she was still dreaming, but each message was legitimate. She was going to have to make some hard choices and soon.

  Having already wished Pyrs well, there was nothing else she could do about her feelings. Cage had camouflaged her emotions and been as supportive as she could under the circumstances. She understood that it was pointless and blamed herself for allowing herself to fall for a knight in shining armor. He had promised to hold onto their friendship, but it would not be possible. This bridge was burning, and there were some secrets she would be forced to keep to herself again.

  With the assistance of her doctor, who by now was genuinely concerned about Cage’s state of mind, and the help of an understanding human-resource manager, she could take off eight weeks of unpaid sick leave and owed vacation days. She needed the time. She needed to be selfish for once so she could realize the person she wanted to become. Her childhood dream of waiting for a knight to save her had to be laid to rest. She had met many knights, and the shine of their armor blinded her from seeing past their dark intentions and dangerous minds. In the end, she would have to develop her own armor, fight this fight alone, and do it for herself.

  Waiting for someone to come along to make her feel whole and worthy did not make sense anymore. Though she had always worked hard to pick up the pieces of her heart and life, she was still a broken vessel. No matter what she did on the outside, she had finally learned that the broken only attract the broken. Her mending would have to come from the inside. She would have to look within herself for all the pieces and pray without ceasing. Cage knew the time away would not be easy, and it would be risky, but she had to do it or accept that the cycles in her life would continue. And as this experience had shown her, she may not be able to bounce back from any more of life’s experiences. Maybe the universe thought she was a superwoman, but she didn’t feel like it.

  At the beginning of the second week, while still locked away in seclusion, Cage received a life-changing phone call. Jasmine, one of her childhood friends, had just passed away from cancer. Cage cried at the loss of her friend but cried more at the loss of their friendship and the plans they had made for their future. Jasmine’s love for life and her loving nature were known by everyone. Cage always appreciated her kind words and the way she felt uplifted whenever she was around her. Their last conversations were about taking trips in search of spiritual enlightenment. Those trips were always postponed or cancelled…now they could never happen. Cage realized, now more than ever, that she had to make a change. Jasmine’s death had to have meaning. If she did not make a real attempt at living, she might as well jump in the ground and die with her.

  So, with the little savings she had left, she booked a ticket for French Polynesia the next day. She told very few friends or family members what she was doing, since she knew many would not understand, or they would have too much to say. It was her life, and she was going to do it anyway, so she left. She took the essentials: her credit cards and a small suitcase. They were all she really needed as she left promising to check in with Dr. Hanley once a week. It had taken the experience with Pyrs, losing Jasmine, and her thirty-plus years of living for Cage to begin the process of letting go. What happened in her past, as far as she was concerned, was over, and she refused to remain a victim of life any longer.

  It Is Done

  My inward parts are in turmoil and never still; days of affliction come to meet me.

  —Job 30:27

  Everything went by so quickly. He remembered very few scenes from the ceremonial play he had just seen and participated in. The characters and costumes all crowded each other as they danced through the traditional fanfare with all of the necessary smiles and emotional twirls, leaving him unable to gather any accurate account of what had actually happened. The tight platinum band he now carried on his finger felt heavy. The reality that this play was his wedding ceremony, and the certainty that he was married, sunk in more and more as he looked at the ring and the beaming face of the woman next to him. Her happiness meant so much to him, and he was glad he could do this for her. She deserved to be loved and to have peace in her life, and he had made it his duty years before to give it to her.

  She glided through the crowd of guests, accepting the shower of compliments over her well-thought-out and coordinated events. He had to admit that Nodica had planned a beautiful day. She made it look so effortless, despite the days, weeks, months, years, and mayb
e even decades that went into the planning of each minute detail. He chuckled as he saw one of her family members, unceremoniously and totally out of character, lift and twirl her. The shock and her failing attempt to remain ladylike made him laugh even more. He walked over and played his role very well as he gently reclaimed his bride with a gentle embrace that settled her nerves and gave the large crowd something to gaze at. With her regained composure, they walked through the crowd together and greeted all the guests. He did not remember many names and faces from the guest list, but the few he knew intimately received the same amount of fervor as the new faces. Each person expressed their rehearsed yet genuine congratulations and best wishes in return.

  Between the toasts and best wishes, he sensed something more within the crowd. He knew it could have been the wine he had been drinking all day, or maybe his mind was playing tricks on him again. How could he explain picking up her scent through this sea of flowers and people? But Cage’s natural fragrance made its way through the crowd to him like an invisible, hypnotizing chant. It was now his turn to fight to remain calm. No one near him noticed the internal battle that raged except for a pair of paternal eyes that had never left him throughout the day. He saw as his son fought to dedicate his time and emotions to the present surroundings, Pyrs had never been able to keep anything from him. Pyrs had confessed his connection to Cage, and this connection appeared to somehow make its way back to his son’s senses, at the worst moment. Though Pyrs outwardly kept up all appearances, memories of Cage washed over him as he sipped more wine.