UnCaged Destiny

by Lisa Farrell

  Pyrs wondered what Cage was doing, and if either of them would ever be the same. He had tried for weeks to contact her. She had blocked his number, so he had resorted to showing up at her job and her home. No one knew where she was, or when or if she would be back. He had seen recent articles with her attending different events in various countries, including the one in French Polynesia to promote a new eco company. She was going after her lost dreams, but something within him could feel the difference. It wasn’t his recent vows—he knew something had changed, and it scared him. He excused himself from the gathering, saying he had to verify everything was prepared for their honeymoon departure. His bride, knowing that she had already done all the preparation, saw through the excuse. But she understood that he never enjoyed being the center of attention, or crowds for that matter, and she let her suspicions rest.

  Inside the mansion, he passed more jovial guests and a few intoxicated family members, greeting each one with as much attention as he could without revealing his uneasy feeling. As he searched for an empty room where he could escape into his thoughts, the golden sphere on his left hand squeezed tighter as he struggled to understand this new feeling; he just knew it was related to Cage. He knew he couldn’t call or reach out to her. Cage had made it very clear that he should leave the past in the past, accept the repercussions of his decisions, and embrace the exciting future before him. But his soul yearned to know the truth, unaware of the small beads of sweat in his left hand. His thoughts raced between his beautiful bride, outside waiting for him with their guests, and their struggling connection, as he was desperate for them to maintain some resemblance of the bond they once shared.

  He knew he could never hold Cage again. She had refused to see him, and he couldn’t force her, as he feared hurting her even more. But he needed her in this moment. He needed her reassurance to help him face what lay ahead. He needed her to tell him that it was going to be okay and that he had not lost her completely. Feeling overwhelmed, he reached for his phone, blocked his number from being registered on caller ID—something he had learned earlier in the day from his young nephews—and nervously dialed Cage’s number. Her image and aroma continued to haunt him. The memory of her pained eyes had remained with him for weeks. He desperately needed to hear her voice. It was the only way he would be able to breathe.

  Cage’s phone lit up next to her, not too far from the empty glass of wine. She already knew who it was, even though it showed an unknown number. She could already feel his energy creep back toward her, and she attempted to drown it with another swallow of wine. She had forgotten to turn off her phone as she sat soaked on the grainy sand, the water caressing her aching feet. Her wet hand accidentally knocked over the wine glass as she silenced her phone before walking toward the sea, leaving his words unheard and trapped within his soul.

  Letting Go

  Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.

  —Proverbs 4:25

  Cage’s day had been a blur. Though she remembered packing the bottles of wine and her iPod, she didn’t remember turning the keys to start her rental car. As she drove toward the beach, images of her life flashed before her in the rearview mirror. She knew she had no right to be on the road in her condition, but to ask someone to take her there would expose the reality that she could no longer keep hidden. With the calming and empathetic voice of Tessanne Chin playing through the speakers, she did her best to drive safely to the most secluded point on the relatively deserted beach. Cage was not quite sure what she would do once there. She had packed all their pictures and notes in the basket—between the wine bottles and blanket—which she carefully lifted from the car’s back seat. Though she hardly ever drank alcohol, preservation of appearances was the furthest thing from her mind. She desperately needed the time to cry and release.

  She needed to run away, but her increasingly busy schedule now held her captive. Since that night, her life had taken an unexpected turn, and opportunities that had previously evaded her were suddenly appearing. Though she was utterly grateful to the universe for aligning these stars, part of her wondered if she could exchange these opportunities for something she couldn’t achieve. Nonetheless, she appreciated each chance she was now being awarded and decided to dedicate everything into these new and powerful distractions. But today was not about that. It was just for her, and she didn’t want to wear a mask and smile for anyone or make any career decisions. She just needed to listen to the waves caress the sand and her skin.

  After a few laps in the crystal-clear water, she remembered why going to the beach as a child always relaxed her. The insecurities she held about her body after being molested had kept her from experiencing this. But today she had the beach to herself, and there was no one to judge her…well, except for her own imagination, which was preoccupied at the moment. Cage swam until the muscles in her arms and legs ached. Each dive into the sea brought with it nature’s cooling comfort, lifting her body and caressing more than her aching muscles. It was like Neptune himself could taste her tears mixed with the waves.

  As if driven by the ticking of her internal clock, she turned toward the colorful setting sun: the universe’s symbol that her past had permanently crossed the line from possibility into memory. A stream of tears flowed from her eyes, mixing their sadness with the salt of the sea, taking away her long-hidden emotions with each wave. In the car with Pyrs that night, she had offered him words of encouragement and showed such compassion that she had fooled even herself. Today, after weeks of soul-searching, she could be truthful with herself and accept that at this moment, though she might have loved him, she hated him too. The reality that both emotions could coexist within her for the same person shocked her.

  She exited the water, and the warm setting sun dried her body as she reached for her glass and wine bottle. Cage no longer had to care about his comfort or anyone’s feelings. She could finally focus on mending what remained of her shattered heart. How foolish she had been to stand still as he struggled with his decisions. Clearly the struggle was not enough to cause him the grief she was now feeling. This couldn’t have been love. She knew every love song, fairy tale, and most romance poems and novels, yet why did she feel so inadequate and ill equipped to mend this broken heart.

  She had betrayed herself and her soul. She knew she couldn’t fully blame Pyrs for what had happened and what may be happening. Cage knew deep down that she had caused a lot of her own anguish by not remaining steadfast in her beliefs. Though she was not a devout churchgoer, and did not consider herself fully connected spiritually, her shaky relationship with God had kept her sane through all the obstacles and emotional recovery. Cage knew that though she had never stopped talking to God, she had never prayed about Pyrs or the decisions she made regarding him.

  She sipped more of her liquid bandage, wrapping her heart and her aching thoughts in its soothing flavor. Though she was not a novice to life, she knew she deserved better than this. Her past may not have reflected this truth, but deep down, she could not accept that this was supposed to be a continuation of bad experiences or decisions. Something had to give. Maybe it was time to leave her heart and memories in King Neptune’s hands, where they would be safe and away from danger. Before the thought had time to fully register, she got up off the golden sand, grabbed the pictures, and moved toward the darkening water.

  Beneath the sunset, she walked into the water, fully aware of her actions and their repercussions. With each step, she shed tears and scars, unsure what the next step would reveal. As the water washed over her head, she let her body fall until it hit the sandy bottom, releasing her past, memories, present tears, and lost future into the sea. When her head rose above the water, somewhere on the sand her phone rang out for the third time.

  Above Water

  Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no mo
re.

  —Revelation 21:1

  Even as she lifted her head above the warm water, Cage could tell something was different. She wasn’t an expert swimmer, and diving was definitely not on the list of things she did well. Cage knew she couldn’t have been under the water for that long, yet something had changed. The burnt orange of the evening sky had been replaced with a dark indigo—but not yet black—sky. Though it was not fully dark, the shades of indigo, purple, and gray left generous room for the choir of stars. Cage had visited this beach for years, but she had never experienced such beauty. It was as if heaven itself was opening up and offering her the opportunity to see its beauty and wonder—but beyond beauty. She could feel its power. Cage felt powerful. She had never felt powerful before. As her knees fell on the sand between beach and sea, she felt powerful.

  Cage did not feel scared kneeling on the beach, with only the stars to keep her company. She confessed everything to God. She was honest—not only with him but also with herself. Her plea for forgiveness was stronger and louder than her heartbreak. The remaining scars from her soul ties to Pyrs, as well as the emotional and physical scars from her childhood abuse, were breaking away as she cried out in prayer. Cage let it all out. She was no longer hiding behind her years of self-imposed walls or masks. She had grown up knowing how to pray. The combined religious practices of occasionally visiting an Anglican church, attending Catholic school, and going to Baptist Sunday schools had left their imprint of dogma.

  But this prayer, this cry, this communication was different. She was not praying to just survive or to overcome; Cage knew those prayers very well. Pyrs had found her the night of the party in such a prayer. Though she had been following tradition all these years, she had not tapped into the full spirituality, power of honest communication, and total surrender that real prayer demanded. With each word, her voice got quieter, and soon her cries were just whispers. She was being healed. This was bigger than a healing heart and a peaceful mind. Cage looked though her tears, knowing it was already done. Everything that she had asked for, everything she did not feel worthy of, was already done. And as she prepared for the unplanned changes in her life, Cage smiled her first true smile, for she knew that this was no longer by choice or decision. This was her destiny, and she had everything that she needed to meet it.

  About the Author

  Lisa willingly engages at the intersection of life and faith in all its beauty, complexity, and messiness....Her novel Uncaged Destiny is the first in a planned series looking at love and its interaction with faith and self-growth.

  Lisa’s love for words drives her creative expression as a freelance writer and blogger. In addition to holding down a full-time job, she thrives on seeing others succeed, and channels that passion into community efforts as well as being a listening ear to anyone who is looking for a very forthright but empathetic voice. Lisa tries in her own way to balance family and career, along with being an avid reader, food aficionado, and music enthusiast.

  Her musings on her adventures and her candid view on life can be found here at www.uncagedphoenix.com