Breaking Skin

by Debra Doxer

  He looks at me for a long time, and I wonder if he realizes how judgmental he’s been.

  “Have you heard from Renee again?” he finally asks.

  “No. Not even to check on Langley, which is surprising.”

  Cole’s dark brows knit together. “Did you have any idea she intended to go somewhere?”

  “No. She never said anything.”

  Cole places his hand on his hip and gives me a cautious, almost probing look. That look is heavy despite his silence. As I wonder what it means, an unwelcome answer comes to mind. He slept with Renee and he wonders if I know. He wonders if she told me.

  The image of Renee and Cole in bed together pops into my head and suddenly my chest grows tight. Then the image expands to include my name falling from their lips. My name along with a slew of lies and innuendo.

  I cross my arms over the burn in my chest. “Anyway, I should let you go.”

  Cole nods and glances at his watch. “Yeah, I have to get to work.”

  Work? “I thought you were retired.”

  “From professional hockey. Not from working. I coach a couple of amateur and youth hockey leagues. Derek plays on one. I’m only thirty-four, too young to spend my days roaming the golf course.”

  “Right.” I laugh politely. “Thirty-four is far too young for that.” Cole is a little older than I thought.

  “You’re what? Twenty-six?”

  My brows go up. Doesn’t he know it’s not polite to ask a woman her age?

  “Twenty-five?”

  With a chuckle, I shake my head. I may be reading him wrong, but I think he wants me to be older. Too bad I can’t accommodate him.

  “I’m twenty-three.”

  “Twenty-three,” he mutters under his breath like he thinks I’m jailbait. I was only twenty-one the night we were together, but his expression implies he already did that math.

  Cole tells me good-bye and gives Siegfried one last pet on the head before he turns and walks back toward his driveway.

  Once he’s gone, I find myself smiling. He never told me what was wrong and I didn’t expect him to, but that was the longest, most civil exchange we’ve had since I got here.

  I replay my encounter with Cole this morning, picturing the sharp cut of his jaw beneath those startling blue eyes, as I nosily search through Renee’s drawers and cabinets, looking for some clue of where she may be and with whom.

  I know I shouldn’t invade her privacy, but I need information. I need to know more about my own sister. Thinking about Cole right now is better than thinking of how outraged Renee would be if she knew I was rifling through her things.

  A note she scribbled with a hotel name, maybe, or an address book with the names of friends I could call, these are the things I hope to find. But I come up empty. I don’t find any hint of where she is or why she left, but I do find other things. Things I’m sure she wouldn’t want me to see, disturbing things that speak of secrets she’s been keeping. There’s a half-empty bottle of wine in her closet, and behind her shoes I find another bottle. This time it’s vodka and about a quarter full. There’s a pill bottle in her nightstand drawer. It’s empty, and the label where the information should be is blank.

  I recall what Langley told me in the kitchen the other day.

  “Mom lets me watch as much TV as I want on Sundays.”

  “How much TV is that?”

  “All day sometimes if she’s asleep.”

  Asleep or passed out? Tears blur my vision and guilt burns inside my chest. My heart hurts for my sister and my niece. I’m ashamed at the way I’ve neglected Langley. Deep down I knew this was a lot for Renee to handle on her own, but each time I mailed her a check, I told myself I was helping. Now I realize that check was a poor substitute for my affection. It was for me, not for them.

  I throw away the pill bottle and dump out the alcohol before tossing the bottles away. Then I straighten Renee’s bedroom, even though she’ll know I’ve been in here when she finds her secret stash missing. At this point, it doesn’t matter. We have so much to talk about, including what I found in here.

  Before I leave the bedroom, I look at her bed with its down comforter and pile of pillows arranged by the wooden headboard, and my back practically begs me to move in here for the rest of the week. The past couple of nights, I’ve slept on the couch in the family room.

  I’m not sure why I’ve been reluctant to sleep in my sister’s bed. Part of it may be because I wonder if Cole shared this bed with her, but that’s not the only source of my hesitation. Another part of it is self-preservation. I don’t want to immerse myself too deeply into Renee’s space because I’m afraid the darkness that surrounds her will find me too.

  Langley pulls open the back door of the car and holds up her hand to stop me from getting out.

  “I’ll buckle myself in, Aunt Nikki. We both know it takes you forever.”

  I purse my lips, trying not to laugh, and watch as she adeptly secures the seat belt. I always knew I loved my niece, but over the past few days I’ve grown to like her too. She’s smart and funny, and I enjoy spending time with her.

  “When are you old enough to ride without that thing?” I ask.

  “I don’t know.”

  I smile at her through the rearview mirror and pull out my phone to google the child seat restraint laws. According to the law, she could lose the booster seat now, but that’s not my decision to make. I don’t need Renee here to tell me that would be overstepping. I put away my phone and follow several school buses out of the parking lot.

  “Why isn’t there a bus for your neighborhood?”

  “There is. I used to take it until Mom said she wanted to drive me.”

  I glance up at the mirror again to see her breathe warm air on the window and then make a circle with her fingertip in the fog. It seems to me it would be easier for Renee if Langley rode the bus.

  “Why did she prefer to drive you?”

  “Maybe she finally listened when I told her I hated the bus. Did you know those seats don’t have seat belts? I bet they’re not safe.”

  A laugh bubbles up inside me because I hated the bus too. Doesn’t every kid?

  “So you hate the bus because you’re concerned for your safety?”

  “Yes.” She averts her eyes and kicks her feet absently.

  “Uh-huh,” I mutter skeptically as I pull into Renee’s driveway. I’m about to ask how school was and if she has any homework when she sits up straighter and looks out the window at Cole’s house. His driveway is filled with cars.

  “Do you think they’re having a party?” she asks.

  Then she unclips her seat belt, reaches for the door, and is halfway across the front yard before she hears me yelling for her and spins around.

  “You can’t just go over there.”

  “Why not?” She pouts.

  “Because it’s rude.”

  She marches back to me. “But I always go over there. Derek said I could come by anytime I want. They have field hockey equipment, and there’s always a bunch of kids playing.”

  I waver, uncomfortable with the idea. “Do you have homework?”

  She gnaws her lip.

  There’s the excuse I need. I cross my arms over my chest. “I bet you’re supposed to get it done when you get home.”

  “Fine.” She blows out a breath and walks to the front door. “But it’s just math.”

  I have no idea why math would be any less important, but forty minutes later she finds me in the kitchen comparing the recipes I found online to the food in the refrigerator. I’m not used to planning and cooking dinner every night.

  “I finished my homework. Can I go over now?”

  With a reluctant sigh, I look through the window into Cole’s backyard and at the commotion I’ve been listening to since we got home. Derek is there with some kids and they’re playing field hockey in the yard. On the deck are the adults, Cole among them. He’s leaning back against the railing with a bottle of beer in his hand. I
t does look as if several of the neighborhood kids are there.

  “Fine. Go ahead.”

  “Thanks, Aunt Nikki.”

  With a grin, she bolts out the back door, her dark curls trailing behind her, and a moment later she becomes part of the scene outside the kitchen window. Derek hands her a hockey stick and she jumps right in, sending the ball flying over the grass.

  As I watch, I feel wistful. This is something Renee and I never had, neighborhood kids to play with. Anytime we didn’t have to be home we were at the dance studio, and when we were called home we stayed inside, first because my father demanded it, and later because of me.

  I’m lost in my own thoughts, looking out the window, when Langley pulls open the slider and pops her head inside.

  “We’re invited to dinner,” she announces breathlessly. “They’re having a cookout. I want to go even if you don’t. Mom would let me.”

  My eyebrows go up at the last sentence she tacked on there, and at the news I’m invited. Cole inviting me to dinner is the last thing I expected. Unless he doesn’t think I’ll accept.

  “What do you mean, even if I don’t come?”

  “Mom hardly ever goes when they invite us, but she lets me go without her.”

  My forehead wrinkles. “Why does your mom hardly ever go? You said she was friends with Derek’s father.”

  Langley shrugs. “I don’t know. She likes to be home. Can I eat over there? Please?”

  “Did they invite all the neighborhood kids?”

  “No, just us.”

  I look over to their yard again and see a gray-haired woman talking to Cole. Her hand is on his arm and she’s leaning in close. If I had to guess, I’d say she’s his mother, and I wonder if that’s his family there on the deck with him.

  They look nice enough. I wonder why Renee never accepts their invitation. Even though the thought of meeting Cole’s family fills me with nerves, I’m too curious about him and them to decline.

  “Tell them we’ll join them and make sure to say thank you for the invitation.”

  Langley grins excitedly before she turns around and runs back to give them the news.

  Will they hate me on sight the way Cole did? Has he told his family the things Renee said about me, whatever those things may be?

  Just the thought ruins my appetite, but I don’t want to sit here in Renee’s house and eat dinner all alone. Besides, a part of me wants Cole to see through Renee’s lies. I want to give him a chance to know me, the real me, the girl I thought he saw so clearly that night we were together.

  My niece and nephew jump on Derek and he pretends to be hurt as he squirms beneath them, half groaning and half laughing. My brother-in-law steps in and plucks Dylan, his youngest, off the top of the pile. Derek sits up and dumps his other cousin, Katy, onto the grass. At seven years old, Katy loves the idea of having a sister soon, someone who will play princess with her and not call it dumb the way her brother does.

  Lily shakes her head at their antics and absently pats her expansive belly. Soon my sister will have three kids, and I can’t help feeling a pang of jealousy. I don’t begrudge her any happiness; I only wish there was more to go around.

  Derek would love to be part of a big family. His eyes shine when we’re all together, and the day Lily announced she had another one on the way, his light dimmed just a little because he’d love a brother or sister too. Something inside me also fades when I read the disappointment in his eyes because I know I’ll never give him that.

  “You should start dating,” Lily says once Mom goes inside to get the steaks she and Dad brought over.

  “Mind your own business,” I reply. We’ve had this conversation many times before.

  “You act like it’s too late for you or something. You could get married again and have more kids if you wanted to.”

  My sister is a fucking mind reader. She turns to face me, and I know she’s not going to drop this anytime soon.

  “I’m not getting married again.”

  “Cole—”

  “Lily, look, I can’t deal with this now.” I shift restlessly because I feel like a trapped animal. I can’t settle down, not with what’s going on.

  Her expression turns contrite. “I’m sorry. It’s just that I wish I could do something to help.”

  “You are helping. After I called, you all came right over. Just knowing you’re here for Derek and me helps. I’m sorry I was short with you.” I smile in her direction, wanting to make up for the rude way I spoke to her.

  “I can’t believe Celeste,” she says. “What’s she thinking? That you’d just let Derek go without a fight?”

  I finish off my beer and place the empty bottle on the wooden rail. “No, she knew better. That’s why she’s threatening to bring doctors into it.”

  “To say what? That you’re a bad parent?”

  I flex my jaw and look over at Derek. He’s gesturing to the framed tree house, explaining to his cousins what it will look like when it’s finished. If it’s ever finished. He prefers talking about it to working on it.

  “It doesn’t matter how many doctors she finds to lie about you; that doesn’t make it true.”

  Lily looks at me with more compassion than I can handle. My mother has worn that same look the past few years, and I hate what I’m putting them all through.

  “Cole . . .”

  I stare at the empty beer bottle. “If my phone battery died, I couldn’t pull up my calendar and I’d forget Derek somewhere. I wouldn’t know when to get him or where. You could tell me a hundred times and I still wouldn’t remember.”

  She touches my shoulder, insisting I look at her.

  “So you make sure your battery is charged. If for some reason it isn’t, you’ve got a crackerjack backup team. You can ask me and Jon or Mom and Dad. You’re a wonderful father, Cole. No doctor could claim otherwise.”

  I appreciate what she’s saying, but the anger and frustration building inside me doesn’t go away. When Luke came here today and told me he and Celeste are moving to Los Angeles because he got traded to the Kings, for a misguided moment, I was elated. Celeste’s first priority is always herself. She’s wanted to live in Los Angeles and pursue acting since I met her. I’m sure she pushed Luke to take the Kings’ offer, and I figured that meant more time for me with Derek. It never occurred to me she’d want to pull Derek away from his life here and take him with her. She knows I’ll never allow it.

  “Here comes the girl from next door,” Lily says.

  I look over to see Langley run across her yard into mine.

  “Mom invited her and her mother to stay for dinner again. She thinks it’s fate you moved right next door to an attractive single woman.”

  I shake my head in amused annoyance. My mother hardly disguises her motives. “Not going to happen, Lily. Anyway, Renee is out of town. Her sister is staying with Langley, and there’s no way she’s going to say yes to a dinner invitation.”

  Lily narrows her eyes. “Why not?”

  I shrug and pick up my empty bottle. “Just a feeling.”

  She glances toward Renee’s house. “Your feeling is wrong. If that’s her, here she comes now.” Lily whistles softly. “Is the sister single too? Because I can already tell Mom is going to like this one.”

  I’m shocked to see Nikki stride into my yard with that graceful way she has of moving, like she’s walking on air. Her dark hair streams behind her in the breeze, and the yellow sundress she has on reveals slim, muscled arms. Her dog walks by her side, staying close, and something basic inside me is glad that animal is so protective of her, even though she doesn’t seem to be aware of it. On the outside, she seems so delicate and fragile, although according to Renee, what I see on the outside bears no resemblance to what’s on the inside.

  Knowing that doesn’t change the way I react to her. I felt it for the first time in my life that night at Blackburn’s. I’ve been with my share of women, but I was completely blindsided by it, and I feel it now too. It’s h
ard to explain what Nikki does to me. I’m incredibly attracted to her, although attraction seems like such a bland word for this feeling. It’s deeper than that. It’s chemical and volatile. It’s a spark capable of igniting an inferno. It’s undeniable, and it’s damn inconvenient.

  My brother-in-law holds out his hand to introduce himself and Nikki smiles. When I see her wide, open grin, my gut aches because it isn’t for me. I watch how she chats with Jon, fascinated by the way she tilts her head and pushes a lock of hair behind her ear to reveal the smooth skin of her neck.

  Does she know how intently I watch her when she’s not looking? Can she feel it?

  The other night as I sat out on my deck, I watched her shadow move in the darkness until it disappeared inside the house. Then I kept watching, hoping she’d come back out again. I sat there for hours just to catch another glimpse of her, but she never came out. She must have gone to bed.

  I’ll say one thing for her—Nikki is brave to come here tonight after the way I’ve treated her. We had a conversation earlier today, our first real interaction, and it left me wanting more.

  Ever since I saw her get out of that cab, thoughts of her have followed me everywhere. When I’m home, I wonder if she’s there next door. When I’m not home, I watch for her, hoping to run into her around town somewhere. I may be obsessed at this point, and I’m definitely preoccupied, but a potent brew of irritation and guilt accompany every thought I have of Nikki.

  I don’t want to believe the things Renee said about her. Each time I look at Nikki, it gets harder to believe them. But maybe I’m letting her beauty blind me. Maybe her sweet disposition is only an act. I don’t know why Renee would lie about her sister, but if she was telling the truth, I need to keep my distance. And if she was lying, I still need to stay away.

  Jon brings Nikki up onto the deck, and our eyes clash before she turns her attention to Lily.

  “Looks like Cole isn’t the only celebrity in the neighborhood tonight,” Jon says, causing Nikki to laugh self-consciously. “We probably saw you dance when we took the kids to The Nutcracker over Christmas.”