Breaking Skin

by Debra Doxer

  Nikki nods. “You probably did. This year I played a party parent, a snowflake, and one of the Chinese characters.”

  “You’re a ballet dancer?” Lily asks, sounding impressed. “Your sister is a dance instructor, isn’t she?”

  Nikki’s expression tenses so slightly, I doubt anyone notices but me.

  “She’s a teacher now, but she danced professionally too for a time.”

  My mother steps out onto the deck and her eyes grow wide when she spots Nikki. Her gaze falls first on Nikki’s face before it scans down to her ring finger and finds it bare. Then she looks at me with the beginning of a smile that quickly turns downward when I subtly shake my head at what I know she’s thinking.

  Jon takes it upon himself to introduce Nikki to Mom and then proceeds to tell her what Nikki does for a living, which impresses Mom the same way it did Lily. It should. It is impressive.

  Nikki looks surprised and a little overwhelmed by the warm welcome she receives. I haven’t talked to them about her, if that’s what she’s worried about. What would I say if I did? There’s no reason to mention her since she’s not a factor in my life, nor will she ever be.

  As she smiles politely and interacts with my family, I mentally list the reasons why I shouldn’t pursue Nikki, no matter how badly I want her or how strongly every instinct I have tells me to.

  First, I slept with her sister. I laugh miserably to myself. How could I be with Nikki if I’ve been with Renee? I didn’t know they were sisters at the time. Now I do. Now I’d be crossing a line. Second, she’s only twenty-three years old. She has her whole life ahead of her. She doesn’t need all the baggage that comes along with me. Third, I need to focus on Derek. I can’t afford a distraction.

  Those all seem like good reasons to me, but it’s better to believe Nikki isn’t what she seems so I won’t be tempted. It’s safer to think she’s disingenuous, a carbon copy of Celeste, so I’ll stay the hell away from her.

  Cole and his brother-in-law grill the steaks outside, but Cole’s mother wants to eat inside at the long dining room table in the sunroom that opens out onto the deck.

  From what I can see, the house is just as beautiful inside as it is outside. It’s an interesting combination of modern and classic styles, and I wonder if Cole hired a professional decorator or chose everything himself.

  “I can’t stand to have bugs around me while I eat,” Cole’s mother explains as I set the table with her and Cole’s sister, Lily, who looks as if she’s about to pop.

  The kids are playing outside, and Siegfried is asleep in the shade beneath a tree in the backyard. It feels odd to be here, as if I’m in a holiday movie where a happy storybook family comes together for a meal. I know happy families exist outside of the movies; I’ve just never seen one up close before.

  If Cole said anything derogatory about me to his family, there’s no evidence of it, or they’re too polite to mention it. Most likely, he never spoke of me at all. I’d have to rank higher in his esteem for that.

  I glance in Cole’s direction. His back is to us as he looks out over the yard, and I can’t help but admire the broadness of his shoulders, the way they taper down to a narrow, perfectly-shaped backside encased in well-worn jeans that hug him nicely.

  Cole’s sister says my name as if she’s already said it once before, and I force my gaze away from Cole only to find Lily eyeing me knowingly. My face grows warm because she caught me ogling her brother, and I clear my throat as I set the last glass down by the place setting in front of me.

  Jon announces that the steaks are ready, and chaos erupts as the kids come running inside and Lily orders them to wash their hands. I step out onto the deck to check on Siegfried.

  “He’s fine,” Cole says from beside me. I didn’t realize he was so near.

  Unsettled by his closeness, I keep my eyes on Siegfried and smile. “He sleeps more than Rip Van Winkle.”

  “Maybe he’d like some steak?”

  I turn to face Cole with raised eyebrows. From the looks of it, the Dempsey family did not buy cheap cuts of meat. “I suppose. If there’s some left over.”

  Cole picks up a paper plate and forks one of the steaks onto it. “Mind if I bring this over to him? Don’t want him to feel left out.”

  I tilt my head in surprise. “Sure. Go ahead.” Then I watch as Cole walks the steak down to Siegfried.

  When Cole’s only a few feet away, Siegfried opens his eyes and raises his head. Cole slows down and carefully places the plate down by Siegfried’s muzzle. I’m surprised again when Siegfried looks at me rather than going right for the steak.

  “That’s amazing. He’s waiting for your permission,” Cole calls to me.

  I’m pretty amazed too. I nod my head and watch Siegfried stand and take a healthy bite out of the steak. Then I laugh out loud when he finishes it off with the second bite and follows Cole back to the deck.

  “You’ve got a friend for life.”

  “And you’ve got a loyal subject.” Cole reaches down to pet Siegfried’s head. “You’ve got to stay out here, boy, but I promise you’ll get the leftovers.”

  Siegfried whines softly before sitting down on his hind legs.

  I smile, thinking that Siegfried is a pretty good icebreaker. “Sometimes I really believe he understands English. Yesterday I asked him if he knew where my socks were, and I swear, he came back five minutes later with my socks in his mouth.”

  Langley giggles from behind me. “I put them in his mouth, Aunt Nikki. You’re so gullible.”

  When she walks back into the house, I glance at Cole and find him trying not to grin. “I knew it was her.”

  “Sure you did.” His eyes sparkle with humor, and when I smile in response, he blinks and the sparkle is gone. His mouth turns down and he abruptly looks away.

  It’s as if he forgot he hated me for a moment. I’ll just have to say more things tonight that will make him forget again.

  “How long have you been dancing?” Cole’s mother asks. She wants me to call her and her husband by their first names, Helen and Richard.

  Helen is a petite woman with bobbed silver hair, but her husband, who Cole obviously takes after, is twice the size of his wife with a barrel chest, thick salt-and-pepper hair, and Cole’s blue eyes. From what I can tell, he doesn’t say much. He lets Helen do the talking.

  “For as long as I can remember,” I reply. “My sister started dancing first and I followed.”

  “Just like Cole. I think he learned to skate before he learned to walk.”

  Helen glances at Cole, and her smile falters when he scowls. A new tension fills the room and I look around, wondering what it’s about. Cole’s mood is volatile tonight, and everyone here seems unsettled by it.

  Helen clears her throat and turns her attention back to me. “Your parents must be so proud of you. I bet they go to every performance. Richard and I went to all Cole’s home games.”

  She doesn’t realize she just turned up the volume on the tension, but Cole does. He turns his sour mood in my direction.

  “Do they, Nikki?” he asks. “Do they come watch you dance?”

  His question feels like a bullet through my heart because based on his expression, he knows very well they don’t. This is something Renee obviously shared with him.

  “No,” I reply. “They don’t come to watch me dance. My father passed away a few years ago and my mother’s health is failing, but even before that, they didn’t come.”

  Helen’s expression shows surprise, and I feel the weight of everyone’s attention on me as I clear my throat and take a small bite of my dinner to occupy myself.

  “Why not?” Cole asks.

  My gaze flies to his. These aren’t unusual questions. When I meet new people, they often ask about my family because that’s part of getting to know someone, but when they realize my family isn’t the typical happy kind, the subject gets politely dropped. But Cole isn’t dropping it. He’s intent on rubbing salt in the wound.

  “It�
�s none of our business,” Lily says softly, seeming to read my reluctance. She gives me an apologetic look before shifting her gaze to her brother.

  I take a sip of my water and look at Langley, who is seated beside me. She has obviously been listening.

  “Is it because you never sent them tickets?” she asks, catching my eye. “Mom and I wanted to see you, but you never sent us tickets like you said you would.”

  After Langley told me she didn’t get the birthday present I sent, I was afraid Renee kept the tickets from her too. I wondered what she did with them since she and Langley never came to any shows.

  “Yes, I did, sweetie. I sent you and your mom tickets.”

  Langley blinks and furrows her forehead. “No, you didn’t. You’re lying.”

  My heart clenches painfully. I’m not a liar, but the last thing I want to do is sit here and call her mother one, especially in front of an audience. As I look into her hurt eyes, it feels as if we’re balancing on a razor’s edge, and no matter what I say, Langley will be the one who gets cut.

  “We’ll talk about it later, okay?”

  “You didn’t send them,” she insists, raising her voice.

  I breathe out as I survey the table, embarrassment warming my face.

  Langley glares at me for one heartbeat and then another before she lowers her head to stare down at her lap.

  “I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding,” Helen says, trying to be helpful.

  Langley reaches up to brush at her cheek, and I realize she’s crying. Helen notices too and pushes her chair back. She comes over and places a hand on Langley’s back.

  “I’m so sorry. We shouldn’t have asked so many questions.” She directs a look at Cole.

  I’m surprised to find a look of horror on Cole’s face as he watches Langley cry. Maybe he forgot she was here or that he was talking about her family too.

  “I think we should go,” I say quietly to Langley.

  “I’m fine,” she insists when I stand up.

  “I wish you would stay,” Helen says kindly.

  But Langley’s tears continue to stream down her face, and I can’t let her sit here like this.

  “It’s been a long day. I really think we should call it a night.”

  Helen’s face wrinkles with worry. “At least let me send you home with dessert. It’s chocolate cake.” She looks at Langley as she says this.

  “That sounds nice. Thank you,” I reply because she’s so eager to help in some way.

  Derek and his cousins say an uncomfortable good-bye to Langley, and the men at the table all stand as we leave, including Cole, who can’t meet my eyes when we walk past him.

  Outside, I whistle for Siegfried, and he follows us back to Renee’s house.

  “That was so embarrassing,” Langley mutters as she stomps into the kitchen. “We should have just stayed.”

  We left before we got to eat, so I pull open the refrigerator to take out the chicken I’d originally planned to prepare. Looking at it now, it hardly excites me. We need something a little more uplifting than chicken.

  “Are you hungry, Langley? I could make us something, or we could have the chocolate cake for dinner, maybe with some milk?”

  Langley rubs her red-rimmed eyes. “Dessert for dinner? I thought you didn’t eat stuff like cake.”

  I put my hand on my hip. “How could I pass up chocolate cake? I think that’s illegal in some states.”

  Her lips curve up just a little, but she tries to hide it before she says “fine” and disappears into the bathroom.

  As I pull some plates down from the cabinet, I hear her blow her nose behind the closed door of the bathroom in the hallway. When she comes back into the kitchen, her eyes are red-rimmed, but she looks calmer.

  Once she’s seated at the table, she silently watches me place each slice of cake on a plate and pour two glasses of milk. Once we’re both seated, I take a big bite and moan because it’s so good, probably homemade, and because the truth is I never eat dessert. Ever.

  Langley takes a smaller bite, but it’s quickly followed by another so I figure she likes it too. After a small sip of milk, she gives me a steady look.

  “You really did send those tickets, didn’t you?”

  I swallow and nod.

  “Why would Mom say you didn’t?”

  I choose my words carefully. “It’s about me, Langley, not you. Your mom is mad at me, and she has been for a long time.”

  She licks her lips. “Grandma is mad at you too.”

  I nod and brace for the next obvious question.

  “Why?”

  My appetite for chocolate cake is suddenly gone. There’s no way I can tell her the whole truth, but I don’t want to explain one lie with another. “Because I told someone something that was supposed to be a secret. It was a secret that hurt your mom and Grandma too, and they never forgave me for telling it.”

  Her eyes are wide now. “What was the secret?”

  “I’m sorry, Langley. I don’t tell that secret anymore.”

  She narrows her eyes. “It must have been a pretty big secret if they’re still mad at you.”

  I put my fork down.

  “Don’t you know you’re supposed to keep secrets, not tell them?”

  “Some secrets shouldn’t be kept.”

  “Why not?” Her confusion is palpable as she forks another bite and brings it to her mouth.

  I sigh. “Sometimes keeping secrets hurts people more than telling them.”

  “And sometimes telling hurts too.”

  “Yes, sometimes it does.”

  “Maybe if you apologize, Mom will forgive you.”

  I smile sadly and wish it were that simple. “Maybe.”

  By the time Langley finishes her cake and milk, she’s yawning. It’s been a long day.

  We go through her bedtime routine, and when I close her bedroom door after telling her good night, I hear Siegfried jump down from the couch in the living room downstairs and walk over to the slider in the kitchen.

  We haven’t been here long, and he’s already used to our routine of going out to the backyard once Langley is in bed. But tonight, I’m reluctant to go out there.

  I know Cole’s family left. I heard them get into their cars a little while ago. But he may be outside, and I don’t want to see him again tonight. I picture Langley in tears at his dinner table, and I don’t know if I ever want to see him again.

  Siegfried won’t give up. He whines by the back door, scratching at it with his front paws. I have no choice. I have to let him outside for a little while.

  When I push open the slider, I’m greeted by cool air and a harsh rhythmic sound echoing through the darkness.

  Siegfried steps outside and looks in the direction of Cole’s house. I poke my head out and see a shadow move near the base of the big maple tree next door. It looks like Cole is swinging a hammer, working on the tree house in the dark.

  “Stay in our yard,” I say quietly to Siegfried as if he can actually understand me, and he walks over to the far side of Renee’s yard to an area filled with low bushes that has become his favorite spot.

  Squinting through the darkness, I step out onto the patio to get a better look. It’s odd that Cole is working on that tree house so late. How can he see what he’s doing?

  No sooner do I think that than the noise stops and there’s a harsh grunt followed by the f-bomb. Cole bends over and cradles his hand to his chest. Before I even realize I’m moving, I’m halfway to him.

  “Are you okay?”

  He startles and whips around to face me.

  I look at his hand and see dark liquid flow down his fingers and drip onto the grass. “You’re bleeding.”

  “I’m fine.” He straightens and curls his hand into a fist.

  “Let me see.” I reach out to him, fully expecting Cole to step away and tell me to mind my own business.

  He doesn’t. His fingers slowly uncurl and he holds his hand out. I lean in closer to get a be
tter look.

  “What happened?”

  “I drove a nail through it.”

  My eyes widen in the darkness. “You should go to the emergency room.”

  He shakes his head.

  “Cole . . .”

  “I don’t need the emergency room.” He pulls his hand back, but I don’t miss the way he winces.

  I study his stubborn expression and purse my lips. My hard feelings fade in the face of his pain. “At least come inside and let me look at it. Renee has a first aid kit in the kitchen.”

  He glances back at his house. “I shouldn’t leave Derek alone.”

  “You’ll only be next door. He’ll be fine.”

  Cole hesitates, then nods and quietly follows when I turn for the house. Siegfried trots over and walks through the door ahead of us.

  “Have a seat.”

  I nod toward a kitchen chair and go in search for the first aid kit I spotted under the sink while I was looking through Renee’s things. I’m no expert, but I’ve patched up my own cuts and injuries, especially on my feet. Pointe shoes are not kind to dancers. I’ve taken a razor blade to my feet many times for bunions and corns, and once or twice I’ve cut too deeply. At least I know how to clean his wound so it won’t become infected.

  When I locate the first aid kit, I turn to find Cole watching me so intently, it’s unsettling, like there’s going to be a test on me later.

  He starts when he realizes I’m staring back and averts his gaze. “Christ, I’m sorry.”

  I smile, thinking he’s apologizing for staring, but then I follow his gaze to the puddle of blood on the floor beneath his hand. Grabbing the paper towel, I rush over.

  “It’s okay. Put this over it.” I pass him a clean cloth and use the paper towel to wipe the blood off the floor.

  Cole reaches down and tries to use the cloth I gave him to help me clean.

  “Let me. Please. You put pressure on the wound.” I wrap the cloth around his hand and he takes over, holding it in place when I go back to cleaning the floor.