Breaking Skin

by Debra Doxer

  After I’ve finished, I throw away the bloody paper towels and turn back to him.

  “Come over to the sink. I’ll wash it off.”

  He stands and does as I say. It makes me uneasy how agreeable he is and out of it he seems. Every time I ask him to do something, I expect him to refuse or ignore me. Instead he listens, but with half an ear, as if his attention is focused more inward than outward.

  We both watch as he holds his hand beneath the running water and rivulets of red run down into the sink. As the blood washes from his skin, I see the deep gash on the side of his thumb. It looks like he took a chunk out near the tip. The exposed wound looks raw and painful.

  I turn off the water and take the saline solution out of the first aid kit. I can feel Cole’s eyes on me as I work, but I don’t look up. If I did, I’d get too distracted. But I still note the way his chest rises and falls with each breath he takes, and I can smell the outdoors on him, earth and grass and fresh air.

  After I’ve cleaned his wound, I take another fresh cloth from Renee’s laundry room and hand it to Cole. He wraps it around his hand and looks at me.

  “Is Langley okay?”

  His question surprises me, and so does the concern in his voice. “Yes. I think so.”

  “I’m sorry, Nikki. I should have let it go. I never should have pushed you for answers like that.”

  I tilt my head. “Why did you?”

  He shakes his head. “I don’t know. I’ve been asking myself the same question.”

  This is a very different Cole I’m seeing tonight, and I feel myself soften toward him even more as I bend to put away the first aid kit.

  “I think I’m angry with you,” he blurts.

  The kit nearly falls from my hand before I straighten again. Angry, yes. I’ve felt that all along.

  “Why?” I ask.

  He shifts his weight and glances out the window. “After our night together, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I only intended it to be one night, but that didn’t matter. I wanted to see you again, and I thought maybe you’d want to see me too. But when I went back to your apartment, you were gone. You’d moved. I asked your neighbors about you and I asked around at Blackburn’s, but no one seemed to know anything about you. You’d disappeared into thin air.”

  His gaze drags over me.

  “And now, out of the blue, here you are. By some crazy coincidence you’re Renee’s sister, except the sister she described is nothing like the girl I remember from that night.”

  He thought about me? He looked for me? There’s a part of me that gets a small thrill from that knowledge, but another part realizes what he’s really saying.

  “So, what? You feel duped? Disillusioned? Believe me, I understand the feeling.”

  The skin around his mouth and eyes tightens.

  “Were you divorced then?” I ask the question that’s been on my mind since I first saw him with Derek. It would have been rude to ask before now, but he opened the door to rudeness a few hours ago.

  He releases a heavy breath. “No. Not yet. I got served with divorce papers that day.”

  My eyes widen. “That day?”

  “They were a long time coming.”

  If he got served papers that day, I wonder what his mindset was that night. I wonder what his goal was in that bar.

  Cole seems to read something in my expression. “My friends took me out to get my mind off it. I didn’t go there thinking I’d leave with anyone, not until I saw you.”

  I swallow hard, wondering if I can believe him. It’s surprising how emotional I can still feel about one night that happened so long ago. What if I hadn’t moved? What if I’d been there when he came back?

  His gaze focuses on me again. “Is what you told Langley about the tickets true? You sent them for every performance?”

  I don’t owe him an explanation, but I find myself answering. “Yes.”

  “Then Renee lied to Langley?”

  “It looks that way,” I say softly.

  Cole shakes his head with an odd expression on his face. “You rescued an old dog from an animal shelter. You brought your dancer friends down here to put on a show for Langley and her friends. Even though your sister tricked you into being here, you’re staying to take care of Langley instead of trying to get out of it. Renee wasn’t exactly honest about you either, was she?”

  Some of the tension I’ve been holding inside releases, but not all of it. I wanted Cole to see me, the real me, and maybe he’s starting to, but there’s no satisfaction in it. It doesn’t erase tonight or all the days that came before it. It doesn’t change the way Renee feels about me or the things she said to him.

  We’re both silent after that until I ask, “Why were you working on the tree house in the dark?”

  “That damn tree house.” Cole sighs wearily, dismissively, but then his probing gaze meets mine.

  I sense a debate going on. He wants to talk to me. I can see it in the way something eases in his expression. I want him to talk to me too. My whole body listens and waits, hungry for insight.

  “I thought it would be a good way for Derek and me to spend time together,” he finally says. “I built one with my father, and I hoped he’d enjoy it the same way I did when I was a kid. But every time I suggest we work on it, he’d rather do anything else. Now that we might never get to finish it, there’s no use waiting around for him to take an interest. I needed to blow off some steam anyway, and I figured pounding nails might be good for that.”

  I can hear his frustration in his voice “Why wouldn’t you get to finish it? If you explained to Derek—”

  “That’s not what I meant,” he says. “When you pulled up this morning, that was Luke you saw leaving, my former teammate and former friend. He’s engaged to my ex-wife.”

  “Oh.” My lips part in surprise.

  Cole looks down at his injured hand. “They’re moving to Los Angeles and they want to take Derek with them. He just finished telling me when you and Siegfried walked over.”

  Oh no. Now I understand the anguish I saw on his face this morning. “Can they do that?”

  His jaw flexes and his cheek muscle tightens into a ball. “Not without one hell of a fight.”

  I don’t know how divorce works or how custody is decided, but it doesn’t seem right that his ex-wife can move and take his son away from him. I imagine there would be no better way to hurt Cole than to take Derek away.

  “I’m sorry. It’s obvious how much you care about Derek.”

  His eyes become shuttered as his gaze finds mine again. “I should probably get home. Thank you for your help. After the way I’ve behaved, it was more than generous of you.”

  He’s closing down, and I can’t help my disappointment. “I didn’t do anything.”

  I almost don’t say this next part. It feels risky, but he shared something with me. He was honest and I want to be honest too. I want to break through the tension between us because there’s no good reason for it to be there, and I don’t want to let him go looking so downtrodden.

  “I’ve thought about that night too, by the way.”

  His eyes find mine again.

  “I’ve thought about it a lot. It’s a good memory, Cole. Maybe we should trust our instincts and let it stay that way.”

  His eyes search mine and his mouth quirks into a half smile. “Maybe we should.” Then he looks at me for a long moment before he takes a step toward the door.

  “Take care of that finger. If the bleeding doesn’t stop, you should probably have someone other than a ballerina look at it.”

  Cole laughs under his breath. “I don’t know. This ballerina did a fine job of making me feel better.”

  My face warms with a smile as I watch Cole pet Siegfried on his way out.

  “Good night, Nikki.”

  “Good night.”

  I wait, but he doesn’t leave right away. He lingers in the doorway like he wants to say more, but finally he slips outside into the darkness. As I w
atch him go, I wonder what he chose not to say.

  The morning sun streams through the curtains, flooding the family room in golden light. I sit up on the couch and stretch, no longer needing a moment to remember where I am the way I have the past few mornings because I know I’m in Renee’s house. I’ve been living here for nearly a week, and there’s something to be said for taking a vacation from my own life.

  My days in San Francisco feel far away. The fact that I’m not there working for what I want probably means that I’m losing it, but if I think about everything slowly slipping away while I’m here, I’ll go crazy. So I don’t think about it. I live in the moment and pretend I pressed a pause button. When I get back, I can pick up right where I left off.

  The problem is, I know better.

  I’ve stretched this family emergency excuse as far as I can with Dennis. He’s not happy, but he hasn’t told me not to bother coming back yet, which I take as a good sign.

  Langley and I have settled into a comfortable routine. I take her to school and then I go to the dance studio to rehearse. Priscilla was kind enough to offer me the studio space in the morning when it’s not in use. Sometimes we go for coffee first. She’s divorced, I discovered, and lives with her current boyfriend and her children.

  After rehearsing at the studio, I go back to Renee’s house and shower. Then I take Siegfried for a long walk. It’s relaxing to have so much free time, and I never thought I could feel relaxed in Cooperstown. Once I get back to my own life, I’ll miss the downtime. I’ll miss Langley, and I’ll miss seeing Cole too. Just as things have finally improved between us, it’s almost time for me to go.

  Since the night he hurt his hand, we’ve had some neighborly exchanges. Waves from across the yard as we each head to our cars and brief hellos in the pickup line at school. I have to admit, friendly smiles from Cole are nice, but they leave me feeling restless because I foolishly want more. Even after the way he treated me, I can’t be angry at him. He’s going through a difficult time, and I wonder if there’s more to it than he told me, because sometimes he looks as if he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders.

  It’s probably best that I’m going soon because seeing Cole stirs something in me. He excites me and hurts me in equal measures just by existing. I feel the way I did the morning I woke up and found his note stuck to my bathroom mirror. Like I lost something I could never have in the first place.

  As I leave the school on Friday afternoon after picking up Langley from soccer practice, I wonder when Renee will turn up this weekend. Since I got here on a Saturday, technically a week would be tomorrow morning. But I haven’t heard from her since the message she left last weekend, and that makes me uneasy. I’ve tried to reach her, but she still doesn’t pick up her phone or answer text messages.

  Since she’s not the most reliable person, I try not to read anything into her silence, but what if she doesn’t come home tomorrow? It’s a question that’s haunted me all week. One I hope I won’t have to answer.

  Langley chatters happily in the backseat as I pull into Renee’s driveway. With the windows open, I can hear a commotion coming from the direction of Cole’s backyard.

  “Can I go over to Derek’s? I bet the neighborhood kids are all there playing field hockey again.” Langley is out of the car and standing by my door before I have a chance to reply.

  “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” I don’t believe Cole would say anything to upset her again, but I’d rather not put her in that situation.

  She bites into her lip and looks over at Cole’s yard indecisively. She hasn’t forgotten what happened last time either. “But I really want to go.”

  Her eagerness makes me smile. I suppose it’s a good thing that she doesn’t hold a grudge, but I can’t let her go by herself. “Fine, but you have to wait for me.”

  She flashes me a grin and takes off.

  “I said wait!”

  I trail behind her and after I round the corner to the backyard, I see a crowd of kids running around, swinging hockey sticks. Cole is right in the middle of it all, calling out pointers and cheering when someone gets a goal. On the sidelines, several parents watch from lawn chairs. Others are up and moving like Cole, calling out different suggestions to the kids. Apparently gathering here for games is a regular thing.

  I catch up to Langley, who stands there breathlessly. “Maybe someone will let me borrow their hockey stick,” she says.

  Cole looks up then and spots us. He calls something out to Derek, who runs over to the side and comes back with a hockey stick. When Cole points in our direction, Derek grins and brings it over to Langley.

  “You’re on my team,” he says to her.

  Langley grabs the stick and jogs over to the makeshift field.

  As I watch, both Derek and Cole keep their eyes on Langley and give her direction. Most of the other kids are older boys, but Langley doesn’t seem to mind, running after the ball as if she may actually get there first. As I watch, I wish Renee could be here to see Langley with her hair flying behind her and her face lit up by a smile.

  “That’s the Taylor girl.”

  “You know the history there, don’t you?”

  Two female voices to my left carry in my direction.

  “No. What history?”

  “No one knows who her father is, but the mother . . .”

  My gut clenches as I turn to see who’s talking, and when the woman who apparently belongs to the voice sees me looking, she quiets. The woman beside her glances at me and looks away quickly. I hear the first woman whisper, “I’ll tell you later.”

  My fingernails dig into my palms as I move to stand somewhere else. How often does Renee overhear gossip about herself or Langley? How cruel does a person have to be to spread rumors about an eight-year-old girl?

  “Would you like to play?”

  I’m surprised by Cole’s voice directly in front of me. I was so distracted, I failed to notice him approach.

  “How’s your finger?” I glance at the gauze wrapped around his thumb.

  “It’s fine. I asked if you’d like to play.”

  “Me?” Unsure, I look around until my gaze lands on Langley, who watches me hopefully.

  Cole chuckles. “Yes, you. Know how?”

  “I have no idea.”

  Cole smirks and gives me an overview of the game, but from what I can see of the kids running around, the rules are more of a guideline. I’m assigned my position on a team with Langley and several other boys I recognize from the neighborhood but don’t know. There are couple of dads on the team with us, and an attractive blond woman I’ve seen speed-walking by the house with her ponytail bouncing as she pumps free weights in her hands.

  Even though Langley and I aren’t very good, we have fun, laughing as we miss the ball more often than not, and allow the more aggressive boys to run off with it.

  Cole expertly controls the ball, passing it to Derek who scores easily. The two of them make a good team, but I can tell Cole holds himself back so Derek can shine.

  During each break, the speed-walking blonde talks to Cole, patting his arm or touching his shoulder. She’s flirting, just like the women at the dance studio last weekend. Cole is polite to her but he doesn’t seem to flirt back. At least, he isn’t obvious about it.

  “Go, Aunt Nikki!”

  I tear my eyes away from Cole and the blonde in time to see the ball come right at me. I slam my stick into it and send it flying toward the goal. Everyone runs toward it, but I’m still the closest and I reach it first. Excitement spikes through me as I pull the stick back and connect with the ball again. It launches into the air and hits the back of the net just as I feel a sharp pain in my knee. It buckles and I go down, landing hard on my hip.

  Cheers fill the air because I actually scored, but all I can do is hiss through my teeth and wait for the pain to subside.

  Cole jogs over and crouches in front of me. “Are you okay?”

  I release a harsh, frustrated breath.
“It’s my knee,” I reply as I try to push myself up.

  He puts his arm around my waist to help me. Then he holds on, offering support as I put weight on my leg and wince.

  Langley hovers nearby, looking worried. I glance around the yard and see everyone’s eyes on me.

  I smile to show I’m fine. “Did we win?”

  Langley looks to Cole for the answer.

  “Well . . .” He hesitates.

  “I don’t think so,” Langley replies.

  “You got one goal,” Derek says. “That’s one goal more than last time you played.”

  Langley smirks and rolls her eyes.

  “You should sit down,” Cole says to me.

  He leads me toward an empty chair beside the two women who were gossiping earlier, and I stop moving, looking for a different chair, but the rest are occupied.

  “Not there. Can you take me back to Renee’s house?” Before he can answer, I call over to Langley. “Come on. Time to go home.”

  She huffs out a disappointed breath. “In a minute.”

  Cole gives me a curious look and eyes the distance to Renee’s house. The next thing I know, I’m in the air and then cradled against his chest.

  “Hold down the fort, buddy,” he calls to Derek, and in front of half the neighborhood, he carries me across his backyard.

  “Is this really necessary?” I ask, peering back over his shoulder.

  “You tell me. Could you have walked on your own?” He sets me down by the back door so I can fish my keys out of my pocket.

  “Yes. Maybe. I don’t know.” I jam the key into the lock, unsettled by his closeness. “It’s an old injury.”

  “Have you had it checked out?” He puts his arm around my waist and helps me to the same chair he sat in the night he hurt his hand.

  “No.”

  Once I’m sitting down and his arm is no longer around me, I feel like I can breathe again. I bend the knee carefully, and the pain isn’t as sharp anymore.

  Cole pulls out a chair and sits down across from me. “Why not?”

  “Why haven’t I had it checked out? Because if I go to the company doctor, he might tell me I shouldn’t dance on it.”