Breaking Skin

by Debra Doxer

  I pull in a shallow breath when he erases the small distance between us, and then I can’t breathe at all when he stands there and just looks at me. His expression is open, his gaze searching.

  With a gentle hand, Cole cups my face, leans down, and touches his lips to mine. My stomach somersaults when he slips his tongue into my mouth, making me sigh. It’s overwhelming how instantly a kiss from Cole sets me on fire.

  He opens his mouth wider and his arms wrap around me, pulling me into his unyielding embrace.

  I want to believe Cole is right about how Renee viewed their relationship. I talked myself into believing him because my own feelings for him are so strong. They’re like a freight train that I’m powerless to stop. It’s not just the outside I’m attracted to—it’s who Cole is inside, everything he is. There’s no running away from what’s developing between us, no denying it. How can I turn my back on something I may never find again? How much more happiness do I have to sacrifice?

  The doorbell rings but neither of us breaks away. I know Cole hears it because he stills for the briefest moment before trailing kisses down my neck. I pray whoever it is goes away, but when the bell rings again, Cole groans and presses his forehead to mine.

  “I could have an appointment today.” He releases me reluctantly to pull his phone from his back pocket. He looks at it and mutters a curse. “It’s my lawyer. I forgot. I checked my calendar this morning and I still fucking forgot.”

  Red dots appear high on his cheeks. He’s embarrassed.

  “Hey.” I touch his arm. “It’s okay.”

  He nods with a jerky movement and looks angry with himself. The doorbell rings again.

  “I’ll give you some privacy,” I say.

  He takes my hand and pulls me in for another kiss. “I’m glad we talked.”

  “Me too. I’ll be outside later tonight after Langley goes to sleep.”

  Cole smiles. “Then I’ll be there too.”

  He answers the door before the bell can ring again. Then Cole introduces me to his lawyer on my way out. I assume the lawyer is there about the custody fight, and I give Cole an encouraging smile before I leave.

  Langley and I use my first paycheck from the dance studio to treat ourselves to Chinese food. My phone vibrates at dinner and when I see it’s Deedee again, not Renee, I don’t answer it. I’m sure Deedee assumed I’d turn up in town by now, and since I haven’t, I’m avoiding her.

  When the fortune cookies come at the end of the meal, I crack mine open. I’m about to remove the tiny strip of paper when I realize Langley hasn’t touched hers.

  “Don’t you like fortune cookies?”

  She raises her eyes to mine. “What if it says something bad?”

  “They never say anything bad. They just say silly stuff or tell you things about yourself. Haven’t you ever read your fortune before?”

  “Mom always asks them not to give us fortune cookies, and if they forget, she never opens them. She says she doesn’t want to know her fortune.”

  I look from the cookie to Langley, and it almost seems like she’s scared of it. It’s such a silly thing to fear, a fortune cookie, and the fact that Renee made her feel this way has me defiantly pulling my fortune out.

  “You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.” I look at Langley. “See? No big deal, and not really a fortune either. Pretty spot-on, though, don’t you think?”

  I grab hers, break it open, and read it. “Good luck is the result of good planning.” When I look up, she’s staring hard at me.

  “You think she’s a bad mother, don’t you?”

  “What?”

  I notice Langley’s distress and my defiance withers. What am I doing? What point was I trying to make here? Exactly the one she picked up on, and I sink lower in my chair because it was wrong.

  “I don’t think that, Langley.”

  “Are you really looking for her like you said?”

  “Of course.”

  But that feels like an overstatement. I’m not a detective, and I don’t have the money to hire one. Renee has no close friends, as far as I can tell, and she doesn’t want to be found. Other than calling the police, I don’t know what else to do, and I’m not at that point yet.

  If I call the police, what will happen to Langley? Will they let me continue to take care of her, or will they notify social services? It’s only been a week and a half, too soon to panic and do something that may have far-reaching repercussions.

  And I have to believe Renee will come back. Whatever she’s going through, she wouldn’t leave her daughter, not forever. I just don’t know how long she would leave her for. Two weeks? Three? A month?

  “Kids in school are starting to ask me where she is. I told them she went to Orlando on vacation. That’s where Disney World is. Isn’t it?”

  I nearly smile at the idea of Renee running away to Disney World. “How do they know she’s gone?”

  “They take dance class with her.” Langley says this as if the answer should be obvious, which it is. Langley was in the class I taught today, along with several of her classmates.

  I watched her closely in class today and she does have some talent, although I didn’t see the interest Renee and I showed at her age and that’s perfectly fine. It’s not a life I would recommend to anyone.

  “Did your mom talk about going to Florida?”

  “She said we could go to Disney World one day.”

  “Disneyland is right here in Anaheim. We could drive there sometime.”

  She shakes her head. “Disney World is bigger.”

  “That’s true, but I don’t think your mom went all the way to Florida.”

  “Probably not. I thought it sounded better than saying I have no idea where she is.”

  Her blunt statement leaves me stricken. It hasn’t occurred to me Langley would be put in the position of having to lie. Now that kids are asking, it won’t take long for parents to notice and start asking questions too.

  Renee is running out of time, and so am I.

  Langley is in bed and Siegfried is sniffing around the backyard. The night is cool. A hazy mist thickens the air and paints the stars with a gauzy film. I’m standing outside at the usual time but so far, other than my dog and an orchestra of crickets, I’m alone.

  I glance at Cole’s house and notice lights in his windows, but I don’t hear the clink of ice in a glass or see his unmistakably masculine silhouette. Disappointment settles over me, along with worry. I hope everything went okay with his lawyer.

  Based on what Cole’s told me, it’s possible he forgot he said he’d come outside tonight. I suppose being in his life means dealing with the holes in his memory and not taking it personally when he forgets something, but I see how that may be hard. Not so hard that you walk away from him for something that’s beyond his control.

  Siegfried raises his head, becoming alert. After a moment, he trots over to the figure walking through the mist. I smile because it’s as if Cole appeared out of nowhere, like my thoughts conjured him up.

  He bends to pet Siegfried and at the same time, he looks at me. My heart flutters when our eyes meet, and it feels like everything inside me wakes up after a long sleep. Based on the way his eyes crinkle at the sides and his Adam’s apple bobs, I think he has a physical reaction to seeing me too.

  Is this normal? Is this how it feels when you come face-to-face with your destiny? I know it’s outrageous to be having thoughts like that about Cole. We haven’t known each other long, barely two weeks, even if you count the night two years ago, but I’m having them anyway.

  “Hey,” he says softly.

  “Hi.” I feel shy suddenly, embarrassed by my own thoughts and glad he doesn’t know what I’m thinking. “Everything go okay with your lawyer?”

  Cole sighs. “He said mediation failed. Now I have to file a petition with the court to keep Derek here. Celeste could take him with her unless I can prove it would be damaging for him to move, which I’m not sure it would be.
He’s a resilient kid.”

  “So you could lose?”

  He nods, and I can hardly believe how unfair that is.

  Cole sits down on one of Renee’s patio lounge chairs. When I move to sit in the other one, he shakes his head, stretches out on the lounger, and leaves room for me.

  Without hesitation, I lie down alongside him. My head rests on his shoulder, and his arm comes around my back as I lay my hand flat on the hard planes of his chest. I inhale his masculine scent, a mixture of soap and aftershave, and feel his heart beat beneath my palm.

  Siegfried sits down at the foot of the chair and looks at us.

  “We have an audience,” Cole says, and we both chuckle as Siegfried rests his head on his front paws.

  “This is nice,” I murmur, enjoying our newfound closeness, basking in the feel of his long, muscled body beside mine.

  We’re both quiet for a time before Cole exhales a heavy breath. “I’m sorry I dumped all that on you today. You’re dealing with enough already. It was selfish of me. Manipulative.”

  “Manipulative?”

  “I want there to be something between us, and I feel like there could be, but you need to know everything up front so you don’t . . .” He presses his lips together.

  I lean on my arm to look up at him. “What? Walk away if things get hard? I’m not your ex-wife, Cole.”

  He sighs. “I know that. But there are so many years between us. You’ve got everything ahead of you. I don’t understand why you’d want to be with me. I’m eleven years older than you, and I come with a truckload of baggage.”

  I smile. “I was thinking the same thing about you. I don’t know why you’d want to be with me, not when you could have anyone you want.”

  “You can’t be serious. You’re the catch here, sweetheart. Not me.”

  A laugh bubbles up inside my chest. “Hardly.”

  “It’s the truth, Nikki.” Cole says it in a way that invites no further argument. “How are you holding up?”

  “I’m fine.”

  His chest rumbles with a brief laugh. “Why do I get the feeling you say you’re fine no matter how you’re doing?”

  “I guess it’s automatic. No one really wants the truth when they ask that question.”

  “I want the truth.”

  I smile to myself and lay my head back down on his shoulder. “The company has a new choreographer. The old one got fired. He and I never got along, so this could be good for me, but I’m not there to find out. I’m here. Deedee thinks I should try to get up to San Francisco, at least for a day to talk to Nadia, but I’d have to leave Langley with a sitter and she already feels deserted.”

  “Nadia is the new choreographer?”

  I nod. “I’ve worked with her before. She’s wonderful, Cole. She’s danced all over the world.”

  “Then you should go. I can watch Langley.”

  My eyes widen as I push up onto my elbow. “I didn’t tell you that so you’d offer to babysit.”

  “I know, but I want to. She could come over to the house and hang out with Derek, have dinner with us.”

  I consider it. Langley would probably be thrilled at the prospect of going to Derek’s house after school. But there’s a good chance she’d still worry if I left.

  “I don’t know. I’m on shaky ground with her. I really messed up tonight.”

  Cole raises a curious brow.

  I expel a weary breath. “Renee made her afraid of fortune cookies.”

  “Fortune cookies?”

  “We went out for Chinese food tonight, and you should have seen her face when they put the fortune cookies down on the table. You’d think they were snakes that wanted to bite her. She told me Renee always asks the waiter not to bring them because she doesn’t want to know her fortune in case it might be something bad.”

  I shift onto my back and look up at the sky. “I got so upset. It’s such a silly thing to be afraid of. So I grabbed them up, cracked them open, and read the fortunes to her. Afterward, she got this look of betrayal on her face because I didn’t respect her fear of fortune cookies or her mother.”

  Cole’s chest rises as he tries not to laugh. “She’s a kid, Nikki. She probably got over it five minutes later.”

  “I don’t know. Some of the things I’ve seen and heard since I’ve been here have me wondering about Renee.”

  “Wondering what?”

  I gnaw the inside of my cheek, hesitant to confide in Cole because I don’t want to betray Renee, but he’s shared so much with me. He trusts me and I want to trust him too. I need someone to talk to.

  “I’m worried about her drinking. I found alcohol in her closet, and I can’t imagine why she’d keep it there. Then Langley said something about her sleeping all day. I don’t know. I don’t want to make assumptions, but I can’t seem to help it.”

  Cole’s hand stills on my back. “It occurred to me she could have a problem. She tends to drink a little too much when we’re together.”

  My eyes close and I swallow over the lump in my throat. His suspicion adds to my worry, justifies it. But his words also put an image of him and Renee in my head that I’d rather not see.

  He rubs my back again. “Is that all that worries you?”

  “There’s one more thing.” I lick my lips and hesitate because I know how crazy it’s going to sound, but I’ve already said this much. I may as well finish it. “When I went to see my mother, she told me something strange. She said my father was here, and Renee had seen him.”

  “Didn’t your father pass away?”

  “Yes. Three years ago. Renee and I went to his grave to make sure. When my mother said that, I thought the stroke must have affected her brain. But then Langley said something odd. She told me both she and Renee have seen a strange man in the woods at the end of the cul-de-sac. He just stands there and stares at the house. Langley said he wears a green army jacket, and it sounds like the one my father used to wear.”

  Cole sits up slightly and I close my eyes, feeling foolish.

  “I know it sounds crazy. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. Or maybe Renee mentioned the man in the jacket to my mother, and she’s the one who ran with it and made up a story about my father. It’s just strange, that’s all, especially now that Renee has run off somewhere.”

  “The kids play in those woods. I’ve never noticed anyone like you’re describing. I’ll ask Derek if he’s seen anyone.”

  “It’s silly. You don’t have to.”

  “If you’re worried, it’s not silly.”

  His tone isn’t indulgent or mocking. He’s serious, and I smile gratefully.

  “Thank you.”

  Cole eyes me thoughtfully. “What did you mean when you said you and Renee went to your father’s grave to make sure?”

  It was a slip. I hadn’t meant to put it that way. Obviously, it sounded strange.

  “My father was living somewhere else when he died. We hadn’t seen him or talked to him in a long time. Our local pastor gave us the news after he’d already had a service and been buried. So we went to look for his grave one day.” Realizing how detached and cold I sound, I add, “I’m sure you’ve figured out that I didn’t exactly come from a normal family like yours.”

  Cole’s expression softens. “Normal might be a stretch for us.”

  I turn my head to look up at the night sky again. The mist is thickening, covering the sliver of moon I could see a few minutes ago.

  Cole is too polite to ask me questions about my family, but he must want to know. He says he wants there to be something between us, and I want that too, but it won’t happen if I can’t be open with him. He claims it doesn’t matter, but he can’t really know me without knowing my history. I only hope if I ever do tell him, his word holds true because if the something he wants is a relationship, a real one that lasts no matter what, that’s what I want too.

  Deep down, isn’t that what everyone wants, a no-matter-what kind of love?

  Cole and I stay up late
, making out like teenagers on the lounge chair until a light drizzle begins. Even then, we don’t stop right away, not until we’re covered in raindrops and I’m shivering from the chill. Then Cole wraps his arms around me one last time and orders me to go inside where it’s warm.

  His protective nature does something to me. I’ve never had anyone want to protect me from anything before, never mind a little rain. It fills the empty places inside me, those hollows where I hide the need for normal things like companionship, trust, love.

  Neither of us suggest taking things inside because we can’t leave either of the kids alone. It’s for the best. Going too fast would be a mistake. We already had sex, even though it was years ago, and when it happens again, it’s going to mean something. It’s going to be a step to something more, and not just one fleeting night.

  Even though I’ve made up my mind about Cole, decided to follow my feelings for him wherever they lead, I haven’t forgotten about Renee. My guilt hasn’t gone away. It’s been relegated to the back of my mind instead of the front, but it’s there.

  I know it’s premature to harbor any worries or hopes at this point. It’s out of character for me to be so optimistic, but I’m not foolish. I know that no matter how we feel, Cole and I are a long shot. Once Renee comes home, I’ll go back to San Francisco. When there’s an hour’s drive between Cole and me, who knows what will happen? Not that an hour away is far, but it’s not right next door either. It will take more effort and planning to see each other, and we both have busy lives.

  In my head, I hear my mother warning me not to count my chickens before they’ve hatched. Miss Emily’s sayings were always about overcoming obstacles, and my mother utilized clichés about preparing for failure. It was a stark contrast growing up and as an adult, I tend to hear both voices. It’s usually best to let Miss Emily’s ring the loudest.

  Now that I have Cole’s offer to watch Langley, I should drive up to San Francisco as soon as possible. The following Saturday will mark two weeks since I first arrived here. Two weeks since I’ve attended a rehearsal.

  How long does it take to unravel a career I spent most of my life building? Longer than two weeks, I hope.