Fighting to Save US

by Sarah Stevens

  Pulling into the driveway I see she is at the door waiting for me. One look at her and I can feel my eyes start to tear up again. I take a deep breath and get out of the car and walk toward her.

  With one look at me, my mom asks, “Bren, what’s wrong?”

  Well, isn’t that a loaded question. “Mom, we need to talk.”

  “This doesn’t sound good, sweetie. Come inside. I just made some coffee. Let’s talk.” She wraps her arm around me and we walk inside together.

  I am surprisingly stronger than I thought I would be with her, at least for the moment. She makes us each a cup of coffee and we go sit in the living room.

  “Okay, what’s going on? You are starting to scare me a little bit over here.”

  “Mom, I wish there was an easier way of saying this but there isn’t, so I’m just going to spit it out. I have cancer.”

  Mom’s eyes go wide. She gasps and covers her mouth as tears start to form in her eyes. “What do you mean you have cancer? When did you find out? Where? Oh, my God!”

  I wrap my arms around her as tears start in my eyes, and explain. “I’ve known for six months but we weren’t sure how bad it was or what the best course of action is. I have ovarian cancer, but it is restricted to the right side. My doctor, Dr. Gerrard, wants to remove one ovary and one tube then start low dose chemotherapy to make sure all the cells are gone.”

  “Oh, Bren. Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I would have been there with you all along. You’re my baby. I love you, sweetie,” she says, tears streaming down her cheeks.

  “I love you too. That’s why it took me so long to tell you, because I wanted to know what all I was looking at. When I went for my annual exam, they found an abnormality in my results. They repeated the test, with the same result. I then had a biopsy done and they found cancerous cells. I’ve been going in for further testing over the last six months. I wanted to know all the information, and I wanted to come to grips with it, but I haven’t been able to. I may not be able to have a child once I go through this. I also may not be able to have the life I wanted, the life I saw myself having. But right now, know I need you by my side. I need my mom,” I sob as I wipe tears from my eyes.

  “I am always here for you. We need to tell your dad, but before we do, what is the plan at this point?” She sniffles and wipes a few tears away.

  “First the doctor suggests harvesting and freezing some of my eggs before I start any treatment. It will give me a better chance of being able to be a mom someday. Next is the surgery to remove my tube and ovary. After I heal from that surgery, he wants to start chemo. He hopes that will put me into remission without any chance of it coming back.”

  “Okay, we got this. I think I’ll call your dad to see if he can come home early today. We need to tell him what is going on.”

  “All right.”

  Mom goes to the kitchen to call my dad as I sit there staring at my phone. I keep it on silent most of the time now, but I see I have multiple missed calls from Kat and Max. I shoot off a text to both of them.

  Bren: At my mom’s right now. I will call you later.

  Kat: What is going on? You have a study session right now, and you aren’t here. This isn’t like you.

  Bren: We will sit and talk later. I need to tell you something. Tell the group I am not going to make it today.

  Kat: OK. Talk soon. I am always here for you.

  Bren: I WILL call you. Promise.

  Then Max texts me back.

  Max: Why aren’t you here at The Java?

  Bren: Needed a break. Talk to you later.

  Max: Please tell me what is going on with you.

  Bren: Later, maybe.

  Max: I hope so.

  I set my phone down right as my mom walks back into the room. She looks at me with sad eyes. This is what I was trying to avoid, looks like that.

  “Mom, please don’t look at me like that, with pity.”

  “I’m not. You’re my little girl. I’m sad. When you hurt, I hurt. We will get this fixed the best way we can.” Again, she wraps her arms around me and hugs me tight. “Your dad is on his way, though I don’t expect him to take his time. He is freaked out that I called him home this early in the day.”

  Not more than ten minutes have gone by when Dad comes barreling through the front door. He takes one look at the both of us sitting there with bloodshot eyes and tear-streaked faces, and booms, “What the hell is going on?”

  “Dad, I need to tell you something. I have ovarian cancer,” I blurt out before I lose the nerve. My dad is my hero, my everything.

  “What? Oh, baby,” he whispers, dropping to his knees in front of us, eyes wide with shock and worry.

  When Dad composes himself, he starts asking the same questions my mom asked, and I give him the same answers. As the afternoon goes by, I make my phone calls to Dr. Gerrard’s office to set up an appointment for egg harvesting and then a pre-op consultation, so my parents can talk to him about what will be happening.

  Mom makes dinner, but we all pick at our meals. I decide to go back to my apartment after dinner. I need a break from the tension that’s settled in at my parents’ house. I just hope that I am able to sneak into the building and go to sleep; I am completely drained from the onslaught of emotions today.

  Chapter Four

  Max

  Ever since Bren texted me earlier, my worry has been escalating. She never misses a study group and has been avoiding everyone even more this last week. Jackson couldn’t find out any information for me, which has made me feel even crazier. So, I sit here in the window, watching like a creeper for Bren to return home so I can catch her before she enters her apartment.

  A few hours have gone by when she finally arrives back home. I open my door and stand in the doorway, waiting for her arrival to our floor. She isn’t paying attention and doesn’t see me. I make her jump when I say, “Hi, Bren.” She gasped and staggers back a step before she catches herself. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I just wanted to catch you on your way to your apartment to make sure you are okay.”

  “I’m fine, Max, I keep telling you that. I just needed to spend some time with my mom today.”

  “Bren, I care about you so much, and I know you wear the necklace I gave you every day. I see the chain. Why won’t you talk to me? If you don’t want to date me, then tell me. I want to be your friend. I care about you too much to let you go so easily.”

  I notice with my words that she relaxes a little bit, but not entirely.

  “Max, I care about you too. Truly, I do. I want to tell you things, but I can’t—not yet, anyway. I’m sorry I’ve treated you so horribly lately. I hope you can understand, or maybe you don’t, but I hope that you will soon. Everyone will understand soon.”

  The sad look in her eyes and the begging tone makes me give in for today. I won’t push her.

  “Okay, but, Bren, I want you to know that no matter what time of day or night, if you need me, I am and always will be right here for you. You look exhausted, so I will let you go for tonight.” I hug her tight to my chest and plant a kiss on the top of her head. Her arms wrap around me, and she hugs me back just as fiercely. I relax my arms to break the hug, but she keeps her arms around me and tightens them. I get her to pull back enough so I can lift her chin to look in her eyes as I speak to her.

  “Do you want to come in and stay here for the night? I won’t do anything but hold you. You look like you need someone to hold you and just be with you.”

  “Please.”

  One word is all she says, and one word is all it takes for me to lift her into my arms and bring her to my bed and hold her. I lie down on my back and pull her into my side. She rests her head on my chest and stretches her arm across my stomach. As the quiet surrounds us, I listen to her breathing even out. She is fast asleep within minutes. I continue to lie there, listening to her and stroking her beautiful hair, planting kisses on the top of her head and relaxing for the first time in days. No matter what is
going on with her, I can at least give her this tonight. I am relieved to have her in my arms, to know that I don’t have to hear her sobs through the door as I walk by every night to check on her. I am a bodyguard; it is in my nature to look after those important to me. Listening to her cry and not doing anything has been torture.

  Tonight, I feel her next to me, and I hope it’s a step in the right direction. I want Bren to trust me enough to talk to me. I just hope that one day soon she will let me in and tell me what is going on. Until she can, I will do whatever she needs me to do to ease her pain, even just a little.

  Chapter Five

  Bren

  I was in such a fog of emotions last night I didn’t even consider the consequences of sleeping at Max’s. Now it’s morning, and I’m wearing last night’s clothes, alone in Max’s bed. But where is Max? I get up go to the bathroom to freshen up and then walk out to the living room/kitchen combination to find Max sitting at the counter, drinking a cup of coffee, like having me walk out of his bedroom is just a normal, everyday occurrence.

  He looks up at me over the rim of his steaming coffee cup and smirks. “I like seeing you walk out of my bedroom in the morning, all rumpled and beautiful.”

  “Don’t get used to it.” I give him a pointed look. “I need to get going; I should have been ready to leave for the day by now.”

  “You looked like you needed some rest, so I turned your alarm off on your phone.”

  “Ugh, men! Well, thanks for last night, but I really need to go.” I lean in and give him a kiss on the cheek before turning and walking out the door.

  Once in my apartment, I shower and get myself ready for my last week of school before finals. The Java is calling my name, so I run in there for my morning fix. I wasn’t expecting to see James behind the counter.

  “Morning, Bren, I’ll have your coffee right up. Off to class again?”

  “Yeah, I am, last week before finals. What are you doing behind the counter again?”

  “We’re shorthanded. The semester is ending, and no one wants to work with finals approaching and projects due. So, here I am. Here you go.” He hands me my coffee, and I move to leave when he stops me.

  “Bren.”

  “What’s up?”

  “You know we love you; you’re family. Kat is worried about you, and I’m worried about you. You have lost the light in your eyes. You hardly come around, and you haven’t so much as touched Steph in weeks. If you won’t talk to me, talk to her.”

  “Things are complicated right now, but I will talk to her, soon. I love you guys too. I have to go now, I’m already late. See you later.”

  “See you later.”

  Class after class, review after review. Nothing seems to be sticking with me today. My mind is spinning, and the list of people I have to talk to is getting longer and longer as the day goes by. I won’t be returning in the fall; I need to take the semester off to do my chemo, and I need to talk to my counselor about it. It should be an easy discussion, because she isn’t invested in me like my friends and family are. I just dread seeing the look of pity in her eyes.

  Later in the afternoon, I find myself exhausted but text Kat to see if she is home.

  Bren: You home?

  A few minutes pass by before I get her reply.

  Kat: I am. What’s up?

  Bren: Do you have time to talk?

  Kat: I’ll make some coffee. Come on over.

  Bren: See you soon.

  With heavy steps, I walk from my car to her front door. As I raise my hand to knock, she is opening the door with a smile on her face.

  “Hey, stranger, come on in.”

  “Hey yourself.”

  “What’s going on? I’ve been worried about you.”

  “Can we sit? Where is Steph?”

  “James took her out for a walk around the Old Port. It’s just us here. Let me get us some coffee, and we can go sit. Okay?”

  “That’s fine. Want some help?” I force a smile onto my face even though I don’t feel it.

  We get our coffee and make our way to the living room and get as comfortable as we can with the thick amount of tension in the room.

  “I wish there was an easy way to say this, but there isn’t. So, I’m just going to say it. I have ovarian cancer.”

  I hear her intake of breath before a word is spoken or a tear is shed. I raise my eyes to meet Kat’s and see shock and sadness, mixed in with a little pity. Again, it reminds me why I didn’t talk to anyone before now. Thankfully, neither one of us is holding our cups of coffee, because she leaps at me, wrapping her arms around me tight. When she pulls back, the onslaught of questions begins.

  “O-M-G, Bren, how long have you known, and why didn’t you tell me? What does your doctor say? What are you going to do? How bad is it?”

  “Slow down for a second. One question at a time. I have known since right before Christmas. I didn’t want to tell anyone until I knew what my full diagnosis was. I am lucky, though; it has stayed on the right side, and I will only lose the one ovary and tube.”

  “So, will you be able to have a baby eventually?”

  “That is the million-dollar question. It has been recommended that I freeze some of my eggs because I need chemo and it could make me infertile. Kat, I need to apologize to you. I shut you out. I hate myself for it, but it was too hard to see you with a happy, healthy Steph in your arms and not know if I would ever have the chance to be in your position. Seeing you three together made me sad; I couldn’t do it on top of everything else going on.”

  Kat wraps me in another hug and says, “I understand, Bren, but please don’t shut me out. Please. I love you too much and I have been so worried about you. So, what do you need me to do? Where do you need me to be? You were with me every step of the way when I found out I was pregnant, and I want to be there for you too.”

  “I just need some time right now; I still don’t know how I feel about being around Steph. I love her so much, and I wanted to be the best aunt ever, like I had planned in the beginning, but it’s too hard right now. My mom is going with me next week when I get my eggs harvested to be frozen and then after that I have the surgery, followed by chemo. Just give me a few more days. It has been a hard twenty-four hours. I just told Mom and Dad last night. Then Max caught me on my way home, and I ended up staying at his place.”

  She perks up at the mention of Max. “Wait a minute, you spent the night with Max? Start talking.”

  “Nothing happened. I was sobbing my way to my apartment, and he was there in the hallway. He brought me to his bed and just held me all night. I left quickly this morning. It was weird waking up there.”

  “He loves you, Bren. I see the look in his eyes when he looks at you. He is just as concerned about you as the rest of us. You need to tell him what is going on.”

  “I will, just not yet. I care about him, too, but who wants a damaged girl? Who wants a girl that may never be able to have a child of her own? Who wants to be with someone who is sick?”

  “He may surprise you. Lord knows that James surprised me last year. He loves that little girl as if she were his own flesh and blood. I have learned to expect the unexpected when it comes to this breed of men we surround ourselves with.”

  We catch up some more and drink our coffee and make plans for lunch one day where James will be able to watch Steph. Thinking back on the past six months, I don’t know why I didn’t let Kat in. She, out of anyone I know, would be there by my side fighting just as hard as I was, if not more. James comes back in a little while later, and we are both laughing like nothing is wrong. I glance over to James, who is holding Steph, and he has a questioning look on his face. I get it; I have been a distant, zombie-like person the past few months and now I am smiling and laughing. I honestly am staring to feel better as I tell people. Like the weight is slowly being lifted of my shoulders, and I have other important people to help me carry this burden.

  “What’s going on, ladies? This is a nice scene to see. It’s b
een a while since I’ve heard you laugh, Bren.”

  “You’re right, it has been a long time, but I’m starting to feel better now.” I turn to Kat. “I’ll see you for lunch next week.” As I hug her goodbye, I whisper in her ear, “You can tell him, but no one else. Let me tell Max in my own time.”

  With a tight hug, Kat whispers back, “Okay, but make it soon.”

  I give James a hug and kiss the top of Steph’s head, then wave as I make my way out the door.

  Chapter Six

  Max

  Finals are coming up, and all my classes are full of reviewing. All I can think about is Bren, with her sad eyes and the tears running down her cheeks. I sit through all my classes and count the seconds until I am released for the day. When I get back to my building, I run into Bren again heading up the stairs.

  “Hey, how was your day? You’re looking a little bit better than earlier today.” I don’t know what changed from this morning, but she seems to have a little light back in her eyes, and her cheeks are pink and more full of life.

  “Hey, I feel a little bit better now. I just got back from spending some time catching up with Kat. It felt good to laugh with her.”

  “I bet she was happy to see you. I know she has missed spending time with you. Hell, I’ve missed spending time with you. It felt good to have you in my arms last night.”

  “Max, it was nice to be in your arms last night, but I can’t do it again. You caught me at a bad time, and I needed your presence surrounding me, but I can’t, not right now.”

  “Can’t what, Bren? Can’t let me care about you? I was falling in love with you, your personality, the way you are protective of the ones you love, your laugh, the list goes on and on. Then around Christmas things changed with you, with us, with everything. I wish you would talk to me and tell me what’s changed. Why you can’t be with me. Why you won’t let me love you.”