Fighting to Save US

by Sarah Stevens

  “I can’t do this with you, not here in the hall, and not right now. I just can’t.”

  She turns and walks away from me, and I’m left there in the hall wondering what just happened and if I pushed her too far. I want to know what is going on, but I sure as hell didn’t mean to upset her again. Instead of going to my apartment, I go back down the stairs and over to James and Kat’s place. Maybe they can clue me in.

  James answers the door, and he looks like someone ran over his puppy. Beyond him I see the same look on Kat’s face. What the hell is going on with everyone around here? James opens the door wider so that I can enter and, when the door is closed, he turns to me.

  “What’s up, man?”

  “I think the better question is what is up with the two of you. You both look like someone ran over your puppy. Why the sad faces?”

  The only reply I get is Kat coming over to me and hugging me. I don’t know what to think, and then I realize Steph isn’t in the room.

  “Is Steph okay? You two are scaring me. Does this have anything to do with Bren?” Kat starts to sob against my chest. I have my answer, but I know that I won’t get any information from these two. I pull Kat away from my chest and look down into her eyes.

  “Kat, is Bren okay?”

  “I wish I could tell you, Max. Please just go to her, talk to her. Let her tell you what’s going on.”

  I take a look at James, who just nods his head in encouragement. I need to go to Bren. I untangle Kat from me, say goodbye, and head off to find her. I need answers, and I need to get them now, before I go absolutely crazy.

  Chapter Seven

  Bren

  After my shower, I grab my books to start studying for next week’s finals. I’m all settled in with my coffee, laptop, and books when I hear a pounding at the door.

  “Bren, I know you’re in there. Open the door.”

  Max sounds like he is pissed at me, and I hesitantly open the door and stick my head out.

  “What do you want? I’m studying for finals. Shouldn’t you be doing the same?”

  “I’m not worried about finals, but I am worried about you. I just left Kat, who was a blubbering mess, but wouldn’t tell me what is wrong. When I asked if it was you, she sobbed harder against my chest. What’s going on?”

  Totally frustrated, I open the door and usher Max over to my couch.

  “I told you I would talk to you when I am ready. Why do you keep pushing me?”

  “Because I care about you, and all you do is shut me out. You cried on my shoulder last night, let me hold you all night while you slept, and this morning rushed out of my place with no explanation. You get back from Kat’s place all happy, like nothing was wrong. Then I go see James and Kat and know immediately they’re aware of what’s going on with you. I’m starting to feel like an outsider here, Bren. Please let me in.”

  I am so frustrated, I shout at him. “I have cancer. Are you happy now that you know what is wrong with me? Does it make you feel better that you pushed me to tell you?”

  I can’t help the tears that are falling down my face, by now I expect them. His face loses all the frustration and anger it held and is replaced with shock—shock I yelled at him, and shock of the words I said.

  “You have what? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  With a sigh, I lose my fight; he was the last one that I needed to tell, and I don’t feel any better. I never yell at anyone, especially him. I never wanted to hurt Max to push him away, but I did that too.

  “I didn’t want to tell you because I care about you. I didn’t want to burden you with a sick girlfriend who may never be able to give you more than a little bit of myself.”

  I take his large hand in my small hand and look him in the eyes.

  “Max, I have ovarian cancer, and up until this last week thought I could never have kids. I didn’t want to burden you by being with me, when I couldn’t give you everything. I love you too much for that curse. I took the option of us being together away from you, and for that I’m sorry. I have a long road ahead of me, and I didn’t think it was fair to burden you with a sick girlfriend.”

  Max pulls me into his strong arms and hugs me. He kisses the top of my head, temple, then my lips, over and over, then holds me in silence for a little while like he did last night.

  “Bren, it wasn’t your choice to give me what you call a burden or take it away from me. You are what is important, and no matter what, I will be there for you. You have known about this for a while, haven’t you? Before Christmas?”

  “I have.”

  “I wish you could have trusted me enough to let me in, to let me decide what I could or couldn’t handle.”

  He pulls me into his lap, brushing my hair away from my face, and kisses me softly on the lips. “I’m not mad at you, you know. I’m sad and hurt you wouldn’t let me in, but I could never be mad at you.”

  Max kisses me again, this time running his tongue along the line of my lips, trying to get me to open up to him. I relent and allow him entry. He swipes his tongue into my mouth, catching mine. Our tongues dance together like they have been waiting for this dance forever. Max moves his hands up my arms and then my neck, until he is holding my face in place where he wants me. He feels so good, and it has been so long since I have felt him like this; I give in a little more. I grab his neck then run my fingers through his short, dark hair. I don’t know how it happens, but I find myself straddling him on my couch. He is still devouring my mouth when I feel his hands leave my face and make their way down my neck then to my breasts. He finds my nipples through my shirt and bra and tweaks them a little. I moan into his mouth. He pulls away a little bit, but his mouth is back on me quickly kissing from my chin to my neck.

  “I’ve missed you,” he whispers into my neck then catches my mouth again. After a few beats of my pounding heart, he pulls away to look at me in the eyes. “What do you want from me? Where do you want this to go?”

  “I want you to make me feel whole again. I want to feel your touch all over me. I want you to love me like you used to.” I feel so desperate in this moment. I haven’t felt whole in so long. I’ve been a shell of myself, consumed by what is wrong with me and not what I have surrounding me.

  He stands, holding me around the waist, and I wrap my legs around him as he walks us to my room. Our lips are locked together as he gently lays me down on the bed. He breaks the kiss and just stands there, looking at me with hungry, lust-filled eyes. Just as his stare starts to make me nervous, his voice deep, Max declares. “You are so beautiful.”

  He removes his shirt and approaches me, capturing my mouth again while moving his hands underneath my tank top. Gripping the bottom, he tears it off over my head. Next to go is my bra then he captures my mouth again. His kisses feel desperate, like he’s afraid I may vanish again in an instant. While our tongues are dancing in fluid motion with each other, he works my shorts and panties off at the same time making his way down my neck to my breasts again to lick and bite at my nipples. I let out a moan of pleasure that ends with a gasp as his fingers move down and open my folds to find my clit. He rubs my clit with his thumb as he pushes his finger inside me.

  “You are so wet for me,” he growls, still circling my clit and he slips in and out of my slick channel. Just as I am getting close to my climax, he pulls away. I barely stop my scream of frustration.

  “I was so close—right there—why did you stop?”

  Max grins. “Patience, love, I’ll get you there. But, when you go over the edge I will be inside you, going over the edge with you.”

  Pushing his pants and boxer briefs down and kicks them to the side. He approaches, hovering over me, as he reaches to grab a condom out of my bedside drawer. “Fuck. Where are your condoms, Bren?”

  “I don’t have any, I haven’t had a use for any. I’ve only been with you this last year. I’m clean and on the pill. “

  “I’m clean too. Are you sure?”

  “Yes, I’m sure. I want to feel you
inside me. Please.”

  Capturing my mouth again Max slowly enters me, skin to skin. He feels like nothing I have ever felt before, and it’s amazing. Once he is in all the way, he lets me adjust to him. Breaking the kiss again and looks down at me whispering, “So beautiful…you feel so good.”

  He starts moving, and, as much as I want him to go fast, he is going slow, pouring all of his feelings into this moment.

  “Faster, go faster,” I plea. Max starts to move faster and faster until he is almost desperate. I can feel my walls start to clamp down on him, and I know he feels it too. He is holding back on me, waiting for me to hit my climax. He doesn’t have to wait long before the sparks turn into an explosion, and my legs wrap around him tighter. My climax hits me, stealing my breath, but I manage to yell out his name. When I do, I feel his muscles tense as his orgasm rips through his body. As we both ride out the waves of our climax, he rolls us over so he doesn’t squash me with his weight. He wraps his arm around me and pulls me into his chest. I lie there for a few minutes before I feel my eyelids grow heavy and I drift in the place between sleep and awake.

  “I love you, Bren,” I hear whispered so softly I’m not sure I hear him correctly, as I fall over the edge into sleep.

  Chapter Eight

  Max

  I lie there, hearing her breathing even out, and I know Bren is asleep. I don’t know if she heard me or not as I whispered, “I love you,” but that’s not important right now. I enjoy the feel of her in my arms, and I really enjoyed what we just shared, but I can’t sleep. Memories come pouring back to me. I don’t know if I can do this again with someone I love; I don’t know if I honestly have it in me to watch her slip away with treatments. Bren didn’t have the chance to give me all the details about what is about to happen with her cancer, and, honestly, I didn’t want to hear it. I am so pissed at the world for doing this to me again only three years after I lost Clarissa to the same cancer. Jackson knows what I went through after losing her, and I made a lot of bad choices after she was gone. He took me under his wing and made sure I came out a better man in the end. I should call him, but right now I just want to lie here and hold Bren while I try and shut my head off and get some sleep. I’ll call him tomorrow.

  The sun is rising. Sleep never came, and my brain didn’t shut off. I stare at this beautiful girl wrapped around my body and want to punch something as I think about what she has been going through and what she is about to go through. I get why she wanted to keep her distance from everyone—Bren wanted to take on the burden herself and not put the worry on anyone’s shoulders, she wanted to shield the ones she loves. I know why she thinks she can’t be enough for me, but she can. Bren is what is important to me, not what she can or can’t give me if we were to be together for the long haul, and God, I’d love to always have her by my side. I can’t imagine her not being there. I get angry again and full of rage at the thought of having to go through this once more. Bren shouldn’t have to go through this, but she is. I need to get ahold of Jackson and talk to him as soon as I can. I can see where my head is going, and it’s not a good feeling. He will know what to do to help me get my shit straight.

  Time continues to pass, and the sun has fully risen. I untangle myself from Bren and go make some coffee to try and stay awake because I have too much to do today. I just hope I can get the studying done that I need to do for the finals coming up this next week.

  It’s weird being in college at my age. What can I say, I needed something to do while I sit here on twenty-four-hour-a-day standby, an excuse Jackson gave to keep me on the payroll and allow me to stay away from the daily operations and the eyes of the ones who want me dead. I did some things I am not proud of a while ago, and when you’re hurt yourself, you don’t care who else you hurt.

  I sit at the counter in Bren’s apartment drinking my coffee when she pokes her head out of her bedroom door.

  “Morning.” She wears a smile across her face until she sees the look on mine. “What’s wrong?

  “There is a lot on my mind and I didn’t sleep well, so I’m tired.”

  “With my recent track record, I know I’m not one to ask, but do you want to talk about it?”

  “Like you, I have finals coming up and I need to study.”

  “I don’t believe you, but I will let it go. Want to shower and get dressed and go down to The Java for some breakfast?”

  “Sure, give me twenty minutes, and I will be back to get you.”

  “I’ll be ready.”

  I move to kiss her quickly and then walk out the door. She looks so happy this morning; I need to snap out of this blackness and memories and concentrate on her. I just hope I can.

  Chapter Nine

  Bren

  Something is wrong with Max, and I need to figure out what it is. I hope it isn’t regret for not using protection last night. I feel like we took two steps forward by being together last night and then five steps back this morning. Now, there is a distance between us again, but from him—not me.

  I take my shower and get dressed quickly so I can freshen up my face with some makeup for once. As if he knew I was ready, Max comes waltzing through the door with a completely different attitude, looking like the loving, happy teddy bear I know. He kisses me in greeting—a total 180 degree turn from the man I saw when I woke up.

  “Ready to go?”

  “Ready as I will ever be.”

  He leads me out the door and locks it behind us. He’s had a key to my place since he was Kat’s bodyguard; I never really thought it was necessary to get it back. Once we hit the street, he takes my hand in his, and we walk down to The Java. We are greeted with surprised looks from both Kat and James when they notice Max has my hand in his.

  “Everything worked out last night by the looks of it,” James says with raised brows. “The usual for both of you today?”

  “Yes, James, things seem to have worked out last night. Thanks, for the push, by the way. I’ll take the usual, plus a strawberry cream cheese muffin, please,” I answer.

  With a sheepish look on her face, Kat says, “I’m sorry! He caught me off guard when all the emotions had hit me again after telling James. I didn’t mean for him to know I was upset because of you.”

  I walk over to her and wrap my arms around her. “I’m not upset. I was just picking on you. I feel better now that everyone knows. Well, everyone except Jackson and your parents. Please tell them for me; I don’t think I can tell it all again. I do feel lighter, though, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.”

  Max brings over our coffees while James brings the muffins, and we all sit together for the first time in a long while, all reasonably happy. “Max or James, can one of you please tell Jackson what is going on?”

  “I’ll call him later today; I need to talk to him anyway about some things,” Max tells me.

  The morning has been one of the best mornings in a long time; I don’t even mind being around Steph as much as I used to. I still haven’t held her, but I really don’t mind being around her beautiful face.

  “So, what is everyone up to?” James tries to pry out some information from the both of us.

  “Wouldn’t you like to know? You may be able to take a guess, though.” I smirk at him.

  We hang out a little longer while we finish our breakfast and then it is time to get to studying. I have a study group this afternoon and a project due for my design class that I need to finish up with before finals start Monday. Two days to get everything done and prepared. Max and I part ways at my door because I won’t get anything done with him around. He leaves me with a knee-melting kiss and a smile on his face as he walks to his door down the hall.

  Once inside, I think to myself, How did I ever keep my distance from him? It’s like we didn’t just go through six months of me avoiding him at all costs and I don’t have cancer. I do know I need to sit down and talk to him more about what is going to happen and when, but I didn’t get the chance to last night. Maybe tonight after
we both get some studying done we can sit down and talk about it more in-depth.

  I want to be happy, and I feel happy right now in this moment, but when I start thinking about the reality of my life and what’s in store, it weighs heavy on my shoulders. Today, I want to be happy. I want to remember my time reconnecting with Max, before getting my project and study session over with. I want to live in the now, not the next week when the appointments start back up and school is over for the summer.

  making myself another cup of coffee, I go over to the upper section of my living room to my drafting board and get to work on my design project. Surprise, surprise, I am going to school for fashion design. If I could just get past the required general education classes I can start having fun with college.

  Hours have gone by and my alarm goes off on my phone; I have fifteen minutes to get back to The Java for my study session. I drop my pencil and pick my bag up and make my way over there.

  My study session went well, and we all have what we need to know locked into our brains, so we decide we will see each other at the final on Tuesday. After I pick up all the trash on the table, I turn around to see that Max has entered the shop, and he is staring right at me. The problem is that the look on his face isn’t an I’m-happy-to-see-you look, so I walk over to him as soon as the trash hits the can.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask.

  “I’m leaving,” he replies.

  Chapter Ten

  Max

  Jackson picks up on the second ring and says, “Hey, man! What’s up?”

  “Bren has cancer.”