The Lost Years

by Stacey Ritz

  Sarah-Jayne found her daughter curled in a ball on the bathroom floor, her little arms wrapped around her lifeless cat. She’d gone out for a run after Dan had come home in a fit of rage. She’d gone running to get some fresh air, to clear her mind. She despised living in a constant state of panic. When would Dan come home? Would he come home? What would his mood be: angry, crude, fowl or all of the above? Would today be the day she’d convince him to stop drinking? Did she pay the water bill this month? While Sarah-Jayne knew running was only a temporary means to an end, the relief only lasted while she was away, coming home to her distraught daughter was gut wrenching. Rainie loved that cat and now she was cradling her beneath a mess of sobs.

  Sarah-Jayne didn’t wake her daughter. Instead, she let her sleep next to her cat until she woke on her own. And when she did, she sat with her oldest daughter on the bathroom floor and they talked about what happened. Sarah-Jayne explained that Lucy had passed. It wasn’t an easy thing to do. How do you tell your child about death? One moment someone’s here and the next, they’re gone. She watched as her daughter fell to pieces in her arms.

  “Please bring her back. Please fix her!” Rainie begged.

  “I would if I could, Rainie.” Sarah-Jayne had told her, rocking her back and forth. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Mama, please?” She cried between sobs.

  Later that night, Sarah-Jayne had grown so enraged at Dan that she’d confronted him. Something she rarely did at that point. He’d weakened her more and more every year with his dominance and control. Ronnie was fast asleep while Rainie pressed her ear to the floor boards and listened.

  “Dan, how could you do this? How could you leave the door wide open? What were you thinking? No…wait, I know…you weren’t thinking!” She’d shouted. Rainie could imagine her mama pacing back and forth across the room.

  “You’re a stupid woman. You’re in charge of caring for me…for this house. It wasn’t my fault the wind blew the front door open.”

  “Oh…it’s never your fault is it Dan?”

  “You’re a dumb, senseless woman. Nothing more!”

  “Nothing more?” Her mama paused. “Nothing more? You married me! What does that say about you?” She spat.

  “Lucky me!”

  Rainie longed for Lucy. She wanted to hold her and hear her purr against her ear. It was incomprehensible that Lucy was never coming back. That she was…gone.

  “I live in a house with a slew of stupid women!” Dan roared. “You’re all stupid women!”

  Rainie fell asleep on the floor that night, listening to their venomous words. Some children went to bed with bedtime stories and lullabies. She wasn’t one of those children. The next day, Rainie, Ronnie and Sarah-Jayne stood beneath the tired apple tree. Sarah-Jayne dug a hole for Lucy’s body. Rainie had made a casket using wood scraps, nails and a hammer from the garage. She’d placed a note inside with Lucy, telling her how much she’d meant to her and how much she missed her already. The three of them buried Lucy that day to the tune of Rainie’s never-ending tears. That night, Rainie found an oversized flat rock on the side of the house, carried it to her room and used a permanent marker to write LUCY in bold letters. Beneath it, she wrote, I love you and drew a single red heart. When she placed the rock over Lucy’s grave the next morning, she made a vow to Lucy and to herself. “I will always help the other fairies.” She smiled, rubbing the ground.

  She desperately missed her cat. It had been four years since Rainie and Lucy first met. Rainie no longer believed in fairies; she was a teenager now. But she believed in something because of Lucy. She believed in connection. She believed in helping those who were broken, bullied and neglected. That’s what her vow to Lucy had meant that day. She wasn’t a stupid girl. Neither was Ronnie or her mother. Because she, unlike her dad, was going to make sure that she never broke a promise. And keeping your promises made you the opposite of stupid, it made you strong.

  She knew they weren’t kids anymore. She knew Ronnie was old enough to take care of herself now. Her little sister, the one she’d tried her best to protect when she could, was all grown up; she was reading self-help books. But, Rainie reasoned to herself, even if Ronnie didn’t need her, she needed her little sister right now. Rainie pushed Ronnie’s bedroom door open, wincing as the door let out a slow, whiny creak. Ronnie’s room faced the beach. Her window was open, letting in the roar of the waves and scent of the salty ocean breeze. Her curtains lightly fluttered in the wind.

  “Rainie?” Ronnie whispered through squinted eyes.

  “Can I sleep in here, just for tonight?” Rainie asked sheepishly, as if she were the little sister.

  “Climb in…” Ronnie threw back the covers on the empty right side of the bed.

  Rainie crawled beneath the covers and tucked herself into a ball, the way her cat Lucy used to do. Within moments she was asleep, comforted by the familiarity of the presence of her sister and consoled by the sea breeze that filled the room. She missed so many things about home.

  10

  CHAPTER TEN

  KINSLEY / TURKEY

  Kinsley was rescued from a factory farm. Factory farms are similar to industrial factories ; animals are raised in extremely large numbers in severely small spaces. Kinsley was traumatized when she arrived at the sanctuary. She would spend hours standing in a corner, trembling. After consistent love and kindness, Kinsley learned to trust her caretakers and become friends with the other rescued turkeys at the farm .

  FACTS: Turkeys are very gentle creatures who enjoy socializingwith human companions and other turkeys. They protect other turkeys to whom they’re bonded. Turkey mothers fiercely protect their chicks from danger. Turkeysare highly intelligent animals. They have a wingspan of up to six feet, which makes them the largest bird in their natural habitat of the forest. Turkeys can fly at speeds of fifty-five miles per hour and run up to twenty-five miles per hour.

  He hadn’t wanted kids, although she’d thought one day he might. One day, that was the phrase they’d told their mama to stop saying. Cooper cared about selling real estate and collecting a large commission check. He cared about material things. While Rainie enjoyed a neat and tidy house, she never cared what kind of car she drove. She wore muddy boots every day to work. She didn’t own a single pair of heels. Cooper cringed at the thought of wearing anything muddy. When Rainie wore sneakers instead of boots, he wore his shiny black Prada polished leather, round toe-lined, rubber cleated sole sneakers. What was it then that had brought them together in their first place? Rainie nodded at the memory of the first meeting when Cooper had come to volunteer at the sanctuary with his co-workers. She remembered then, it was his looks. It was absolutely his gorgeous sandy blonde hair, perfect slim yet strong physique and his immense confidence. It was the way he rubbed the stubble on his chin when he talked. It was the way he looked at her, making her feel seen; making her feel radiant. She’d never thought of herself as particularly beautiful until he’d looked at her that way. He was kind and he liked her. They were both financially secure, though he required a higher price for his lifestyle. Although they’d only been dating for a few months, it was the longest romantic relationship Rainie had sustained since Milo.

  From the start, she’d told Cooper that she’d wanted children and that the sanctuary was always going to be a priority in her life. Yet, despite his kindness and despite the way he made her feel seen, she never quite felt that he’d heard her. Instead, she’d gotten the feeling he’d heard what he wanted. She sensed he was the type of man who thought what she was doing for the animals was great, but once they settled down, he believed he’d provide for them financially and she’d move on from her hobby. He hadn’t said anything specific that had led her to think this, it was more of a feeling she’d gotten and then chosen to ignore. Despite their differences, they had fun together. Cooper made her laugh. He made her feel safe when they were together. She didn’t think he’d ever intentionally hurt her. He cared about her.

  As she pac
ed across the empty living room at the beach house, Rainie thought, people will think what they’re going to think about you regardless of what you tell them. Often, they already have their minds made up about who you are, no matter what you say or do. She’d read a few pages of Ronnie’s self-help book after her little sister had fallen asleep on the couch. The book hadn’t been half bad. In fact, Rainie had found it interesting. She’d read and found herself nodding in agreement, that what mattered in life really was what you thought of yourself, not what others thought of you. What you think of yourself, the book read, will dictate your future actions and behaviors. Thinking about it now, Rainie added her own thoughts. If what you think about yourself determines your future demeanor, that means your thoughts predict your future. It’s not what other people blindly think about us that determines anything at all. Rather, our behaviors and our choices make us who we are.

  Rainie’s phone began to ring, breaking her from her thoughts. “Rebecca, Hi…” She answered. “Everything okay?”

  The knock on the front door and Rainie’s phone call weren’t enough to wake Ronnie from her nap on the couch. Rainie continued listening to Rebecca, with her phone pressed against her ear as she went to find her mother, who sat amidst a pile of messy cream colored yarn in her bedroom. The door was open and she motioned for Sarah-Jayne to answer the front door, pointing to the phone she held against her ear. Sarah-Jayne nodded, understanding. She stood from the pile of yarn, watching it all fall helplessly to the floor. Arm knitting wasn’t coming easy to her, but she was determined to keep trying. She shook her head at the pile as she stepped over it and headed toward the knocking.

  “Milo, Hi.” She smiled warmly, opening the door and waving him in. “Rainie’s on the phone…work stuff. I’ll go get her…hang on a minute.” Sarah-Jayne disappeared up the stairs that sat inside of the entry way and made her way to Rainie who was now pacing in Sarah-Jayne’s bedroom, stepping carefully over the yarn as she moved back and forth.

  “Milo’s here.” Sarah-Jayne whispered after meeting Rainie’s eyes.

  “Rebecca? I’ll call you right back.”

  “It’s Milo.” She smiled.

  “Milo? I can’t talk to him…” Rainie quipped.

  “What? Why not? Did something happen?”

  “Can you…send him away?”

  Sarah-Jayne hesitated, studying her daughters face, “What should I tell him?”

  Rainie looked from her mom to the entrance of her bedroom. Milo stood looking at her, his eyes filled with pain, his hands tucked in his pockets.

  “Milo…” Rainie gasped.

  “I’ll…” Sarah-Jayne stooped, gathering the loose pile of yarn between her arms. “Sorry…I’ll be in the living room.” She scurried away with the speed of a ghost crab.

  “Can we talk?” His voice was soft.

  Rainie looked away from him and instead, stared down at her feet. Last night, she and Ronnie had painted their toenails bright red. She’d never painted her toenails in her life.

  “What happened on the beach the other night? Rainie, did I do something wrong?”

  She shook her head and forced herself to meet his eyes. “No.”

  He waited before saying anything else, hoping Rainie would add something more. When she didn’t, he spoke again. “Are you okay?”

  She nodded. “It’s not something you did…it’s me.”

  “What’s you?”

  “I…I have to go back. I’m needed at the sanctuary. I’ve already been gone too long.” She continued pacing, running her fingers through her hair.

  Milo wondered if something had happened with Cooper. Had she just been talking to him on the phone? Milo was sure Rainie had felt something for him, as he’d felt for her; he’d felt it the moment she’d seen him on the street, pulling the ducklings from the sewer drain. Rainie Lynn Amburger still made his heart stop. The sight of her still made him clear his throat, a nervous tick he’d developed only around her. The scent of lavender on her hair made him want to reach out and touch her. Although they were thirty-two, no longer kids, when he looked at Rainie, he still saw that quiet confidence in her eyes. He still saw the girl he’d grown up with; his best friend, the one who tried to act much tougher than she felt on the inside. He’d thought she’d also seen him the way she used to. He wondered now, if maybe he’d been wrong. But he was sure he wasn’t. He was sure she’d wanted to hold his hand on the beach. He was sure she’d wanted his arms wrapped around her that day in the pool when they’d kissed. But now she was pulling away, just as she’d done fourteen years ago when she’d disappeared from his life. “Can you stay one more day?” He asked quietly, still standing in the doorway watching her frantically pace.

  She shook her head.

  “Please, Rainie. You’re still my best friend.” He paused. “Losing you the first time was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I can’t lose you again. We’re meant for each other…that’s what you always used to say. Remember?”

  Rainie stopped pacing, her eyes heavy with tears. “Milo, I have to go.” She held his gaze for a while before touching his upper arm, moving her hand back and forth. Her lips moved closer to his and for a moment, he was sure she was going to kiss him. “I love you.” She murmured before disappearing down the hall.

  “I love you, too.” Milo whispered back, not knowing what to do. What could he do? She loved him, but she wanted to disappear. They were reenacting their break-up fourteen years ago. People say that history repeats itself, and right now, he supposed those people were right because that was exactly what was happening and he felt helpless to change it. He’d asked her to stay a little longer. He’d told her how he felt. And still, she was choosing to leave. For whatever reason, she had to run away.

  Milo’s heart ached as he made his way to the front door. He’d thought it had been a lucky twist of fate that they had ran into each other this week. But standing here now, closing the door to Rainie’s beach house behind him was a cruel, futile act. Seeing her had given him hope, something he’d struggle to let go of years before when it came to Rainie.

  He couldn’t do this, not again.

  Milo shook his head as he made his way to his car. He’d never stopped loving her.

  〜

  They were eighteen, nearly graduated from high school when Milo had asked Rainie, “Do you see a future together?” She laughed and playfully punched his bicep.

  “Of course. Milo, you’re my best friend.” She kissed him before continuing. They were sitting cross-legged across from each other in Milo’s tree house, something they’d been doing since they were five years old. The thin wood floor boards were rotting in places, but that didn’t stop them from going there to spend hours together, hidden away from the rest of the world. “And no matter how much I say I love you, I always love you more than that.”

  This time, he kissed her.

  A few short months later, Rainie told him she wasn’t going to The Ohio State University with Milo, instead she was going to the University of Tennessee. Milo was stunned. He’d thought, without a doubt, she’d been joking. They’d planned to go to school together for years. They’d talked about their futures together and everything they wanted to be and do, as a team. Her unforeseen declaration blindsided him and then, a few weeks later, she was gone. She wouldn’t return his calls. He’d driven to find her on campus. When he found her address, her roommate said she was staying with a friend and refused to give him her friends name or location. He’d gone back to Columbus defeated, hurt and utterly confused. Before she’d left for school, she’d told him with a serious look on her face, “Milo, I know we’re meant for each other, that much is obvious. But sometimes things that are meant to be don’t work out.” Milo had asked what she’d meant, but she hadn’t said anything more. Instead, she’d kissed him and he hadn’t wanted the kiss to ever end.

  Rainie hadn’t told him why she’d left. She wasn’t sure she’d known herself at the time. She was eighteen; lost, confused and terrifie
d. When she had seen Milo start to drink, when she had seen him holding a beer in his hands, something within her snapped. She didn’t want to live her mama’s life. She didn’t want to be trapped in a home or in a marriage that suffocated her. She wanted more from her life. She wanted safety. She wanted tranquility. She wanted to be who she was meant to be, not what someone thought she should be.

  Rainie had always thought she’d had something special with Milo, but seeing him clasp the beer in his hands sent chills down her spine. No matter how much she loved him, she wouldn’t allow herself to be hurt by him the way her dad had hurt her. She’d rather leave on her own terms, with only good memories of Milo, than head down a path that looked anything comparable to that of her parents.

  Instead of confronting Milo, she had run away. Away from her dad and away from any semblance of her family. If that meant giving up her best friend and the love of her life, so be it. She had to make sure she was tough enough to live a different life than the one she had seen growing up. Her dad might have thought she was just a stupid girl, but she’d show him. She wasn’t just anything. And she wasn’t stupid. She was going to make something of her life. She would prove him wrong, no matter the cost.

  〜

  “I love you, Veronica.” That was Andrew’s text to Ronnie. As if four simple words could erase what he’d done. They hadn’t talked about it, of course. How could they? Andrew had been hiding. Andrew had had another woman answer his phone.

  Two hours later, Ronnie replied. “Call me.”