The Lost Years

by Stacey Ritz

  Three dots appeared on her phone as he immediately texted back. “Can we text?”

  “Call.” She wrote back.

  “I have five minutes to talk.” He was telling her his limit? What gave him the right? She had questions and she wanted answers. She hadn’t been gone a full week and he had managed to destroy their entire marriage. Of course, logically Ronnie knew their marriage hadn’t been demolished in one short week. She was sure he had been going behind her back much longer than that. And she was sure she had blindly chosen to ignore some obvious signs, like the unfamiliar earring she’d found in his coat pocket when taking it to the dry cleaners. He’d explained it away, of course. He had said he’d found it on the sidewalk and wanted to turn it in to lost and found at work in case someone was missing it. What a nice guy, she’d thought. Although, something in her gut had tugged at her, telling her to think again. She’d dismissed the nagging thought, not wanting to concern herself with needless worry. Whose fault was it when this happened in a young marriage? In any marriage, for that matter? Was it his deception? Or was it her dismissiveness?

  Andrew called a minute later. “Veronica…how’s the beach?” He asked breezily, as if they’d been speaking daily. As if they’d had a marriage full of trust and respect.

  “Andrew Daniel Jorgenson!” Ronnie’s voice was stern. She surprised herself, having never heard this tone exit her lips before. “You’ve been cheating on me. Admit it right now.”

  Silence.

  “Andrew!”

  More silence.

  “Seriously?”

  “It’s Lydia.” He finally said, his voice muffled.

  Ronnie gasped. “Lydia Wynstein?”

  Silence.

  Ronnie was unable to respond. Lydia was her friend. She was their next door neighbor. She brought them homemade pies and gave them Christmas cookies every year. She’d always been so nice…so friendly. Too friendly, Ronnie thought now with a scowl across her face.

  “How long?”

  “A year.”

  “A year?” She was incredulous, her heart pounding with rage.

  More silence.

  “Do you love her?” Ronnie asked quietly.

  When Andrew stayed silent, Ronnie knew the answer. There was no need for him to speak.

  “Well,” she straightened her back and pulled herself together. She wouldn’t cry. She wouldn’t allow it. She would not waste her tears on this man who had betrayed her. Not right now. Not while he was listening. “I have some news to share myself.” Ronnie paused, thinking she heard Andrew breathe a sigh of relief. Did he think she was going to say she’d been cheating, too? Would that have made him feel better? “I wanted to tell you this in person, I wanted to celebrate with you…but, under the circumstances I’ll tell you now. And don’t think this is to trap you in our marriage. We’re done. I don’t want you around. Is that clear?”

  He cleared his throat, not answering.

  “I want you to be honest with me, so I’m being honest with you. I’d thought we were always authentic with each other but I guess…well, never mind. Anyway,” Ronnie continued, rushing her words together, trying her best to stay strong. “Andrew, I’m pregnant.”

  A normal response would have been: “Oh my gosh!” or “Congratulations!” But instead, Andrew’s reply was, “Are you sure?”

  “I’ve taken a dozen home tests now…all positive. I’ll go to the doctor next week to confirm, but…I’m sure.”

  Andrew stumbled on his words, unable to properly form a sentence.

  “I was as shocked as you.”

  “You planned this…you’re trapping me.” He roared through clenched teeth.

  “What? Andrew…seriously. Stop.” She pleaded calmly. “Did you hear me before? I didn’t plan this. It happened. We are married, we were married. Whatever.” She waved her hand in the air and nearly dropped the phone from her ear. “It happened. It’s happening.” She added flatly, “I thought you loved me. That was the plan Andrew; we were going to love each other forever. That’s usually the plan when you marry someone.”

  〜

  “Can’t your manager take care of the animals for you…for a few more days? I’d really love it if you could stay.” Sarah-Jayne told her eldest daughter. She’d seen Milo leave, his eyes round with pain. She had heard Rainie tell him she was going home today. She hadn’t been trying to spy, rather, she had been in the living room trying to learn to arm knit the big messy pile of cream colored yarn that followed her everywhere she went. She would make a blanket…maybe not a pretty one, but a full blanket nonetheless, by the time Ronnie had her baby. Her first grandchild. She was going to be a grandmother. The thought both delighted and terrified her. How had the years passed so quickly?

  “Mama, I can’t. I have to go.” Rainie shook her head. She was standing over her neatly made bed, her suitcase open, folding one item after the next as she added it to her luggage. Her eyes were red and puffy.

  Sarah-Jayne’s heart tightened at the sight. Dan Amburger’s ashes may be sitting idle on the window sill, but his choices had stained all of their hearts and minds. How long would his impact last? Forever? Her throat tightened. How could he have done this to his daughters? To his family? How could Dan still be affecting their actions when he rested, eternally pacified in an urn? Her thoughts spiraled into regret, leaving an acrid taste on her tongue. She thought back to Dan’s violent fits. Why had she stayed? She’d convinced herself she was the only one in pain, not her children. But now she realized how wrong she’d been. In allowing Dan to placate her time and again, she had placated her daughters. And now she was watching her daughter ardently pack her bags to get away from her, again. It was reminiscent of the past; wanting the best for her children, but missing them as she watched them run away. Ronnie would follow suit, no doubt. She had always looked up to her older sister. Once Rainie drove away, Sarah-Jayne knew the dominos would tumble faster and faster. She might never meet her grandchild. She might never see her girls grow old. She should have left Dan all those years ago. Why had she believed she could save him? He didn’t want to save himself, he made that much clear. She had not only failed Dan, she had failed herself, and she had failed her daughters. She shook her head, quietly watching Rainie pack as she stood, leaning against the door frame.

  “I really wish you wouldn’t go. We haven’t spread your dad’s ashes…” Her voice trailed. Dan may have caused difficulty in their lives, but they still loved him. He was her husband, their father. Regardless of what he hadn’t been, they still held on to the few memories of what he had been in those fleeting moments of clarity.

  “I’m sorry, Mama. I’m really sorry. I…I have to go.” Rainie focused on placing her clothes neatly in her suitcase and then walked to the bathroom adjoined to her room to grab her toiletries.

  Trying to shake the memory of each of her daughters leaving years ago, Sarah-Jayne fended off the tears that pooled in her eyes. She was helpless against the replay of the past running through her head. It was Christmas morning and the girls sat anxiously on the stairs, waiting for their parents to wake so they could run to the tree and open their gifts. Sarah-Jayne knew they were giddy with anticipation. She also knew they were dressed in their matching red and black plaid flannel pajamas. She imagined Rainie would have pulled her own hair back in a loose braid, while she placed Ronnie’s in two careful pig-tails. Yet, instead of watching her girls giggle fervently on the stairs, she was stuck behind her bedroom door, Dan blocking her exit.

  “It’s Christmas morning…” She’d whispered through clenched teeth to her husband. “The girls are waiting.”

  Dan was too inebriated to stand on his own. His words were slurred and his breath wreaked, pungent with the familiar smell of hooch. “I need you to stay…you need to take care of me.” His words ran together, sounding as if they were all one. “It’s Christmas, Sarah-Jayne…come on.”

  “Dan, please.” She begged, standing and heading to the door.

  “They’re
fine. I’m not.”

  Sarah-Jayne should have bolted for the door and left at that moment. Instead, she’d hugged him. “I know.” She whispered in his ear, wrapping her arms around his waist. “I know.”

  She’d given in to his pleas yet again. It was a pattern she’d fallen into, one she felt helpless to break. It didn’t matter that she knew her two innocent daughters were eagerly waiting on the steps. It didn’t matter that she desperately wanted to watch Ronnie unwrap her giant Barbie dream house and Rainie’s eyes light up as she pulled back the wrapping paper on a stack of new books.

  Sarah-Jayne tip-toed out of her room hours later, once Dan had finally fallen into a deep sleep. She found Rainie and Ronnie in the hall. Rainie’s back was up straight, her arms cradling Ronnie, their eyes closed. Ronnie’s eyes, she could see, were moist with tears. Sarah-Jayne crouched to her knees, gently placing her hands on their arms. “Girls…” She whispered. “Let’s go open your gifts!” She forced a smile when they opened their eyes. “Merry Christmas!”

  Ronnie reached out her arms and hugged her. Rainie stood stiffly, understanding what had transpired as they’d waited patiently and quietly for hours on the steps.

  “I’m so sorry.” Sarah-Jayne muttered to Rainie. “I’m so very sorry.” Their eyes met and Rainie stood without a word, although she gave a slight nod.

  “Presents!” Ronnie shouted.

  Sarah-Jayne pushed a finger to her own lips, reminding Ronnie to be quiet. The last thing she wanted to do was wake Dan. The three of them made their way to the tree and Sarah-Jayne beamed as she watched her daughters open their gifts one after the other. In that moment, she had felt triumphant. She had felt she had found a way to spend some of the holiday with her daughters. But looking back now, her stomach tightened. That shouldn’t have been good enough. She should have done better. She should have shown them better. She should have done things differently. What she wouldn’t give to re-do the past.

  Her thoughts were interrupted as Rainie’s thirty-two year old arms wrapped around her. She couldn’t remember the last time they’d hugged. Her eyes filled with tears. “Rainie…I’m so sorry.” She whispered, burying her face into her hair.

  “It’s okay, Mama.”

  Sarah-Jayne squeezed her daughter tighter, “I hope it will be.”

  11

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  LIBBY / RACCOON

  Libby came to the sanctuary for rehabilitation after she’d been hit by a car. Her mother and siblings had also been hit, although they did not survive. Libby was young, orphaned and in need of around the clock care, as she was still dependent on her mother for survival. Libby grew and began thriving. Later after receiving care at the sanctuary, she was successfully released back to the wild, although she comes to the sanctuary several times a year to say hello.

  FACTS: The English word for raccoon comes from the Powhatan word aroughcon – which means, “animal that scratches with his hands.” The black mask around raccoons’ eyes helps them see clearly, especially in the dark. The dark color of their fur absorbs the incoming light, reducing the glare that would otherwise obstruct their vision.

  Rainie hugged Veronica as she lugged her suitcase behind her. “I want to meet my little niece or nephew.” She whispered in her ear.

  “You will.” Ronnie squeezed her sister tightly. “I wish you didn’t have to go.”

  Rainie pulled away. “It’s work…the animals…I need to figure things out with Cooper…” Her eyes widened as she said the words. Her heart wanted to stay in Corolla, but her head said it was time to go. She needed to return to reality.

  “Please be careful.” Sarah-Jayne stood by her side. “The weather reports say that a storm is coming.” As if on cue, the wind cracked against the oversized windows of the beach house and all three women jumped. “Why don’t you leave in the morning instead? It will be dark soon…and with the storm…you don’t know the roads around here…” Sarah-Jayne jumped from one reason to the next. She wanted her daughter to stay.

  Rainie turned to hug her mama, and when she pulled away, she held her gaze, bringing a smile to her face. “I’ll be fine.” She told her.

  Sarah-Jayne knew her daughter. She knew how stubborn Rainie could be. Once she had her mind made up, she couldn’t be talked out of whatever it was she was going to do. She worried about the impending storm, but knew Rainie had made up her mind. “Please be careful.” She said, instead of begging her to stay.

  “I will, Mama.” Rainie glanced at the urn that held her dad’s ashes as it sat stoically in the window sill. A flash of lightning overtook the room.

  “Thanks for coming.” Sarah-Jayne whispered.

  Rainie nodded. Ronnie rushed to hug her one more time. They said goodbye and Rainie lifted her head and exited the front door. Thick rain drops pelted her face as she made her way to the Jeep. She threw her bags in the backseat and hopped in, cranking the engine and fiddling with the radio knob. She beeped twice, watching her mama and sister wave from the expansive living room windows. The sky was quickly growing dark. Rainie turned the headlights on and then the wipers. She beeped the horn twice more and waved as she backed on to the road and headed home.

  “Tropical storm conditions are possible across the Outer Banks region this evening as Hurricane Daniel will be generating strong winds and heavy rain. Although Daniel isn’t expected to make landfall, we’re expecting the tropical storm to have serious repercussions. Please take precautions as the storm continues to gain traction.” The male weather reporter announced boldly through the radio. “There will be a chance of flooding along the Sound and coastal rivers.” He paused and then added, “This just in…At this time the National Weather Service has issued a tropical storm warning, storm surge watch and a flash flood watch for all of Dare, Hyde and Currituck counties.” Rainie remembered seeing a brochure on the kitchen counter for jet ski rentals in Currituck county. Corolla was in Currituck county. She tapped her fingers on the steering wheel. Would she be caught in the storm if she was driving away? Would Ronnie and her mama be in danger at the beach house? The house sat only a few hundred meters from the oceanfront.

  She continued driving north, shaking off her worries. She planned on going home. It was time to go home; back to Kentucky. She wasn’t going to let the threat of a storm stop her from her plans. She’d already made up her mind. The rain pounded harder on her windshield, as if it were begging to get in. Rainie glanced at her phone. Should she call someone? No, she reasoned. She was being silly. It was only rain. How many rainstorms had she lived through in her life? Too many to count. She thought of the animals at the sanctuary and how terrified some of them became during thunderstorms. She had always confidently comforted them to get them through the worst of it. The storm always passed, she reminded herself. She’d be fine. Ronnie and her mama would be fine. They were all adults. They could take care of themselves. They’d been doing it for years. She replayed the weather reporters words in her head. The irony of the storms name, Daniel, wasn’t lost on her. She shook her head, staring ahead at the road sprawled out before her, sure that she wanted to keep driving away from the storm.

  They sky had turned dark without her noticing. She leaned forward over the steering wheel and glanced up. There wasn’t a star in the sky. She couldn’t find the glow of the moon, either. A rumble of thunder startled her and she reached to turn the radio knob, increasing the volume against the growing storm. “I’m not scared. I’m not scared.” She repeated the mantra quietly as she pressed ahead.

  The lightning and the thunder fiercely challenged her words. Rainie squinted her eyes as she reached a sharp turn in the road. She slowed as she approached. There were no cars ahead of her. Behind her, she noticed the glow of a single set of headlights in the distance. Her eyes darted from side to side, trying her best to remain calm. It was only a storm, she silently scolded herself. You’ll be fine! But then she saw it. She pressed her brakes, feeling the skid of her tires as her car fishtailed. It was a miracle she mana
ged to bring the vehicle to a halt before plunging into the still water. Hidden beneath the stormy night sky, the water resembled a small puddle in the road. But it was much larger than a puddle. It was a giant pool of standing water, a result of the rains that were coming too fast and heavy. Stopping the car, she opened the driver side door and stood at the edge of the water shaking her head, the rain pounding down upon her, soaking her clothes and hair. Rainie clenched her fists and screamed before climbing back in the car. There was only one road out of the Outer Banks, and it wasn’t letting her leave tonight.

  She turned the car around and as the vehicle behind her approached she flashed her headlights until they slowed beside her. She rolled her window down and motioned for the other driver to do the same. “Standing water up ahead…you can’t get through.” She shouted, her voice in competition with the relentless rain. The gray-haired man nodded and thanked her, a cigarette hanging loosely from his lips. She rolled up her window and continued to drive, no longer able to hear her radio through the angry pelts of rain. Reaching for her phone, she called Ronnie. She answered on the first ring.

  “Rainie, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine. Are you guys okay?”

  “The electricity is out, but otherwise, we’re good.”

  “I’m turning around. I can’t get through the roads…” She yelled into the phone, trying to be heard against the thunder that surrounded her.

  “It’s a sign.”

  “What?” Rainie strained to hear her sister.

  “The storm. It’s a sign. You weren’t supposed to leave yet.”

  Rainie shook her head. “I’m on my way.” She shouted back.

  “We’ll be waiting. Be careful, okay?”

  The call ended before they said goodbye. The storm was worse than she’d expected.

  What should have taken forty-five minutes on a clear, sunny day, took Rainie two-and-a-half hours before she returned to the beach house. Despite the looming storm, she made it back. As she climbed the stairs to the beach house and opened the front door, she was eagerly greeted by a slew of lit candles and a freshly cut slice of chocolate cake. The three women hugged and then sat side by side on the couch, huddled together against the weather.