Satisfaction Guaranteed

by Samantha M. Derr

  Laura rolled her eyes and tapped into the line. "Hello, ma'am, my name is Laura, supervisor at Lab Diagnostic. Can you please give me your account number?"

  Drake left her to it. The woman eventually devolved into screaming again, and Laura had to hang up on her. "Well, we can't mark her account as abusive because we don't know her account, but if she calls back again, disconnect if she starts yelling." She shook her head. "Christ, people love to scream, don't they?"

  Alonzio nudged him as Laura left to help someone on the other side of the room. "Hey, I wanted to say thanks again for the whole movie thing."

  Drake rolled his eyes. "That's like the fifteenth time. You keep it up and I really will go by myself."

  "I just feel bad! You're blaming me for feeling bad?"

  "Alonzio."

  Alonzio held up his hands. "Okay, okay! Listen. I'm taking my cousin out for dinner tonight as a thank you for the pick-ups. You want to join? My treat."

  Drake pretended to think about it. "Free food? Let's see. Do you promise to let the movie go?"

  "Yes! I promise!"

  "Then I accept your offer."

  "Great! Olive Garden okay with you? He's a fan, so..."

  "By coincidence, so am I," Drake said. "Which you know very well. Your cousin has good taste." He paused. "Wait. Wait, wait, wait, is this the same cousin you tried to set me up with two months ago at your birthday party? The one who noticed the lack of arm and then ran away from me? Is that what this is? That better not be what this is." As he turned to stare Alonzio down, his line beeped.

  "Oh would you look at that," Alonzio said, looking relieved. "Looks like you have a call-in, better get that."

  "This isn't over, Barns," Drake muttered before opening his line. "Hello, you've reached the Lab Diagnostics help center. My name is Drake, how can I help you today?"

  It was like a flood after a desert, and call traffic was insane for the rest of the day. Drake and Alonzio even had breaks at different times, and by the time they were clocking out, Drake had pretty much forgotten about the whole thing.

  "Whoa, hold up," Alonzio said, just as Drake started to head out to his car. "Dinner, remember? My treat?"

  "Right," Drake said, the morning coming back to him. "I do remember. You were just about to explain to me why it sounded like a set-up."

  "It isn't! I promise."

  "Alonzio."

  Alonzio shrugged and had the decency to look abashed. "It doesn't... have... to be?"

  "Alonzio."

  "I swear! I do, I mean it. I won't say a word. It'll just be treating you and my cousin to dinner. Who felt really bad about that whole running away thing and swore there was an explanation and who happens to basically have, like, the exact same interests as you, just saying––"

  "Oh my god, stop talking." Someone in a uniform came in through the doors, and Drake looked over to distract himself. It was kind of late for a business delivery, but––

  "It's UPS Guy!" he said, pointing, at about the same time UPS Guy caught sight of him and froze, probably screaming Armless dude! in his own head. "The one I told you about!"

  "Hi," UPS Guy said, wincing a little.

  "Hey Ben," Alonzio said, ignoring both of them. "Thanks again for the pick-up. Ready for dinner?"

  Drake looked from Alonzio to UPS Guy. Or Ben, apparently. "Wait, you––he––I told you about that."

  Alonzio shrugged. "Yeah, uh, so did he. For the record, he's got a way better memory than you do." He smiled, the smug bastard. "So, dinner?"

  "Uhh, maybe it's not the best idea?" UPS guy said, looking at Drake. "I can just––"

  "You're my ride, man. I promised you dinner! And I owe Drake."

  "Yeah, you do," Drake said through the evilest smile he could muster. "Hey," he said to UPS Guy, hand outstretched. "I'm Drake."

  "Um, yeah, uh, Ben." UPS Guy said, looking at him a little funny before taking his hand and shaking it. "Sorry about––"

  "Dinner!" Alonzio exclaimed suddenly. "I am starving, can conversation wait the six minutes it'll take to get to Olive Garden? Drake, you'll just follow us, okay?"

  "You are not the least bit sneaky and this conversation is far from over," Drake hissed as he followed them out to the parking lot.

  *~*~*

  "So," Drake said, once they were seated at a table and had ordered their food, "Delivery, huh? That seems, uh, nice."

  Ben looked at him, clearly startled. "Oh, yeah. I like it."

  "How long you been doing it?"

  "Five years? About."

  "Oh. Cool."

  "Yeah. How's working at, um, your place?"

  Drake made a face. "Whatever horror stories Alonzio has shared, I assure you that they're true. But it's not too bad, and I don't have to take work home, which is nice."

  Ben's lips twitched into a smile. "Yeah, that's definitely a plus of working service."

  "Yeah."

  The silence stretched. As one, they turned to look at Alonzio.

  Alonzio shifted in his seat. "What?"

  Drake sighed and turned back to Ben. "So I'm guessing you didn't know anything about his plan either, huh?"

  "Well, to be honest––"

  "You know what? You guys could trade off on funny work stories," Alonzio interrupted. "You've already both heard all of mine, but you've both got some pretty good ones to share."

  Drake rolled his eyes. "Alonzio, my last funny story was about a UPS guy delivering a package to my apartment." He waved his hand at Ben, who cringed.

  Alonzio abruptly stood up. "Bathroom, guys, be right back!"

  Ben glared at his retreating figure before turning back to Drake. "I really am sorry about that," he said. "I had other things on my mind."

  Drake quirked his lips. "Nah, it's okay. I mean, I got a laugh out of it." He shrugged and reached for a bread stick. "It's not usually something I have to point out to people, you know? It's not like I had to the first time we met."

  Ben got this stricken look on his face. "What?"

  Drake paused, bread stick halfway to his mouth. "Uh. At the party? Because clearly you... noticed then?" He tried to smile, laugh it off. "Um, you ran away from me?"

  "I thought you meant––" Ben shook his head and opened his mouth, then closed it again before taking a deep breath. "I'm sorry, first time we met?"

  "...Yeah?"

  Ben started to laugh. "You really do have a lousy memory, don't you?"

  "What's that supposed to mean?"

  "At the party, I didn't run away because of your arm. I ran away because I recognized you."

  "Uh, what?"

  Ben brought a hand up to cover his face. "You––uh––a couple weeks before Alonzio's party, you maybe remember getting a delivery?"

  Drake shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. I ordered his present online. A couple of games he wanted. He tell you about that?"

  "No," Ben said, head flying up to look at Drake. "Your place is on my regular route. I'm almost always the one that delivers to it. I've been delivering to you since you moved in. I mean, you're not home all the time, but you definitely were when I delivered then."

  "So?"

  Ben raised an eyebrow. "You answered the door in a towel. Not––not one that really––you were. Um. Still dripping. And then, I don't know if you recall, but you only had the one hand to hold it up with, so you let go of the towel to sign for and take the package."

  Drake shrugged again. "So? That happens. Priorities, right? Towel or package."

  Ben pinched the bridge of his nose. "Drake, forget the fact that you answered the door in a towel and dripping wet, when you were kicking the door behind you to shut it, your towel fell off."

  "So? I was closing the door. You'd already headed down the hall, so it's not like—" Realization dawned. "Aaand you hadn't already headed down the hall, because you knew about the towel thing. Meaning, I'm guessing, you got an eyeful."

  Ben nodded.

  Drake was starting to put everything together. "So when you saw m
e at the party, the first thing that flashed in your mind was my bare ass?"

  Ben swallowed and nodded again.

  "And then you ran away."

  "Maybe not my smartest move, I'll admit."

  Drake had to laugh. "Damn, man, if it bothered you that much, why'd Alonzio even think setting us up was a good idea? Because I'm assuming you know that's what he was trying to do then. And now, probably. Where is he, anyway?" He looked around, eyes widening as their waitress approached the table, carrying only two plates.

  "That little bastard," Ben groaned, then rallied and smiled as the waitress set down their orders. "Is the third plate on its way?"

  She flashed him a smile. "The other man who was with you? He canceled his order––said that he had forgotten a date with his girlfriend. But he wanted to apologize for bailing on you guys; he paid for your drinks and dinner! So let me know if you need anything else, okay?" she said as she headed away, leaving them alone.

  "I am going to give him hell at work tomorrow," Drake said, stabbing his fork into his pasta before looking up. "Wait, you were his ride! How is he getting home?"

  Ben held up his hands. "I have no idea! Why would he even do that?"

  Drake raised his eyebrows. "Really? You're his cousin and you're asking me this?"

  "Point. You give him hell at work, I'll give him hell at home."

  "Why's he so set on us meeting up anyway? I mean, you told him about the delivery thing, right?"

  "Yeah."

  "So he had to know you were talking about me, unless there's another guy in my complex who's missing an arm," Drake said, waving his hand. "For all I make fun of him, Alonzio's not an idiot. Why would he try to set us up after you told him, 'Hey, I was delivering this thing to a guy with one arm and I got a full view of his ass and it totally freaked me out'?"

  Ben paused, fork halfway to his mouth. "Possibly because that may not have been how I told him what happened?"

  "Oh yeah? What'd you say?" When Ben stayed silent, Drake added, "Come on, try me. He just went through an elaborate scheme to get us to have dinner with each other, so it must've been good."

  "Uh." Ben hunched his shoulders like he was trying to make himself smaller. It didn't work very well. "I might have told him more than just one story about this guy I deliver for. The towel thing was just the most recent one. There was a reason I was watching you walk back into your apartment."

  Drake blinked and then started to grin. "You thought I was hot."

  Ben let out a breath. "Beyond all reason."

  Drake's grin got wider. "You still think I'm hot."

  "Yes, maybe."

  "Then why'd you take off at the party?"

  "I panicked! I had no idea Alonzio knew you, I just knew he had this friend he worked with named Drake that he thought I'd like to meet. I didn't know you were Cameo Lee!"

  " ...Cameo Lee?"

  "He's a––he's a character in a movie series I'm into," Ben said, not making eye contact. "You, uh, reminded me of him."

  Drake had to laugh. "I knew that, I didn't know you knew that. North Foe, right?"

  "Uh, yeah. The second one's out this weekend. Battle Weed. Alonzio was going to go with me, but he had to cancel last minute. Marci––you know Marci, right?"

  "Yeah," Drake said, not sure if he should shake Alonzio's hand or just shake him. "She got last minute tickets to a friend's play."

  Ben stared at him. "How do you––? Fuck, don't even tell me. He had plans to go to the movie with you too?"

  Drake nodded. "Yeah. I was going to pick him up and drive us to the theater."

  Ben let out a bark of laughter. "And I was supposed to meet him there. Guess he decided to plan dinner when the movie got postponed. Damn, I don't remember him being this sneaky."

  "Okay, hold on, back up," Drake said. "Before we keep talking about the movie, and I do want to circle back to that, we were up to you telling me that you panicked. And that you had a nickname for me."

  "'The hot guy in 508' was too long," Ben said in a deadpan. "And there you were, and so I panicked and ran away, and you didn't even recognize me anyway, even though I've been delivering to that complex for longer than you've lived in it, so from then on I decided to just get your deliveries over as quickly as possible."

  "Which explains the last couple times you've had packages for me," Drake said. "Uh, look, I'm sorry that I didn't recognize you."

  Ben shrugged, turning his attention back to his food. "It's okay. I'm just the delivery guy, right? We're kinda background." He smiled, obviously trying to play it off. "Besides, we already established that your memory kind of sucks."

  Drake snorted. "Okay, no. Believe, I'd remember you if I'd had the chance. I don't have a bad memory, I have terrible eyesight."

  "...What?"

  Drake tapped his glasses. "You have this magical ability to always show up when I'm not wearing my glasses. I'm really, really near-sighted without them. I can make out general people shapes, but anything else? The party was the first time I think I'd ever actually seen your face, and you bolted too fast for me to really commit it to memory."

  Ben stared at him. "So you didn't even recognize me when I delivered that big box, did you?"

  Drake shook his head.

  "And then you had to call me back to wheel it into your apartment—Wow, I'm an idiot."

  "Maybe a little," Drake said, pinching his fingers together. "But at least you're not an ableist asshole. I was wondering why Alonzio kept trying to defend you when you ran away at the party. He actually tried to convince me to chase you down."

  "I'm going to kill him."

  Drake waved his hand. "It didn't turn out all bad. I mean, we're having a conversation and getting along and everything."

  "Sorry about all the mix-ups," Ben said. "They've basically been all my fault."

  "Or," Drake offered, "we could blame Alonzio, as he knew both sides of the story the entire time and kept them to himself instead of being reasonable. How hard would it have been for him to tell you who I was? Not very."

  Their waitress popped up at the table unexpectedly. "How are things going, gentlemen? Can I get either of you refills?"

  "I'd like a refill," Ben said. "Drake?" Drake shook his head.

  "Just on the water, thanks."

  "Sure thing! I'll be right back."

  The silence settled awkwardly. Ben fiddled with his straw, clearly not wanting to be the one to resume the conversation.

  "...So you've been doing delivery for five years, huh?"

  "Give or take," Ben said.

  "So do you guys plan to deliver at the most inconvenient times or what?" Drake kept his tone light, so it was clear he was joking. "Because you seem to always catch me when I'm either sleeping or naked. Or both."

  Ben snorted. "Believe me, if I had that kind of timing, I'd use it for entirely selfish purposes all the damn time."

  "You don't have much luck with the other places you deliver to?"

  "Can't say I'd really want that sort of luck with the other places on my route, so maybe that's for the best."

  Drake swallowed. "Okay, I'm going to be upfront for a second, because I want to make sure that I'm clear on this, but we are flirting, right?"

  Ben got the deer in headlights look again. "Is that okay?"

  "Oh yeah," Drake said, holding up his hand. "Totally. Just wanted to make sure we're on the page before we continued, that's all. I think I've had all the misunderstandings I can handle."

  "Good point," Ben said, nodding and relaxing again.

  "Here we are!" The waitress had returned, drinks in hand, along with a large plate of zeppoli and dipping sauce. "And there's your dessert! Already paid for, too. Feel free to leave when you're finished, but I'll be by again for refills if you need them."

  "Thank you," Ben said. She smiled at them again and left.

  They looked at each other, then looked at the plate of dessert. Drake was the first to give in. "He knows us well, doesn't he?" he said, reaching over
to take a zeppoli.

  Ben took one of his own. "How long have you known him anyway?"

  "Six years-ish. We were roommates our freshman year in college. We sort of got that magical placement where we got along so well that we stuck with each other through all four years, and then we stayed friends after. He was looking for something low-stress when he decided to go back for his Masters, so I suggested Lab."

  "Wait, how old are you?"

  "Twenty-five."

  "But then how did you––?"

  "End up in the same year as Alonzio?" Drake wiggled his left shoulder. "I lost this when I was a junior in high school. I used to be on swim team, which meant practice every night. I was driving carpool and we got hit by a drunk driver. The guy was making a left and he plowed right into me."

  "Oh my god," Ben said.

  Drake shrugged. "Yeah, it wasn't the best. The other three guys got banged up; some broken bones, lacerations, concussions, but I was the only one who landed in ICU. My arm was almost completely torn off at the scene, and really messed up. They tried to save it, but it didn't take. Long story short, I didn't graduate from high school on time. I was kind of in a funk for a while, and it took me some time to break out of it. I home-schooled my senior year when I finally was up to finishing, because I didn't want to go back to school." He reached for another zeppoli. "College was a fresh start for me. It was a big decision for me to dorm, too, but I wanted to try my hand at living without my parents right there to do stuff for me if I gave up. And it worked out, so I can't complain."

  "Wow, that's pretty heavy."

  "I guess. It's just been my life, you know?"

  Ben shook his head. "Okay, see, I've been hearing about you for the last six years then. Because Alonzio mentioned his roommate Drake, and then later he brought up his friend Drake, and even later he talked about his friend Drake who was helping him get a job where he worked, and, most recently, his friend and coworker Drake, and not once did he think to maybe mention that you were, most likely, Drake Spencer, aka Cameo Lee, aka the hot guy in 508."

  "Wait, yeah, you had to know my name. From the packages. Why was I Cameo Lee?"

  "Privacy policy," Ben said matter-of-factly. "I'm not legally allowed to divulge the names or addresses of the people I deliver to." He gave Drake a sheepish smile. "I'm not even really supposed to pay attention to them. The names. I used to greet people I delivered to, but some customers get really upset when they realize that their delivery guys know their full names and where they live."