Nobody Knows

by Rebecca Barber

  Joel grabbed some garbage bags from the kitchen cupboards and returned to his room, realizing for the first time what he had done to his family. It was shocking and he suddenly felt violently ill. The cupboards were empty. And it wasn’t just food missing—it was everything. There were only a few mismatched glasses that looked as if they had once upon a time contained jam. There were no teaspoons at all. Foil was stacked in piles. It had obviously been used to wrap something, washed off, and hoarded to be used again. A solitary loaf of bread with the beginnings of mould accumulating on the end was the extent of the fresh food, and only three tins of generic brand spaghetti sat behind it.

  Joel couldn’t control it any longer. He turned to the kitchen sink and purged. For a full five minutes Joel threw up everything in his stomach. When nothing was left, he stood there dry retching until his eyes watered. Completely exhausted, Joel pushed through the pain barrier. Grabbing the garbage bags, he slammed the pantry door closed in repugnance and retreated to his bedroom, where there were no surprises.

  An hour later all the bottles and pizza boxes and trashy clothes were gone. Both the recycling and the normal rubbish bin were both overflowing and Joel had to put all his weight on them just to get them closed, but the mess was gone. The bedroom curtains were open, and for the first time in over twelve months Joel’s bedroom floor saw sunlight.

  Once Joel was finished with the rubbish he just moved on and kept going. Soon the kitchen cabinets were once again restocked with all the things he had buried in his bedroom for the past couple of years. The dinner set was returned and placed in the cupboard, the crystal wine glasses were rinsed and lined up neatly in the cabinets, and the cutlery drawer was once again filled. Now there were teaspoons and dessert spoons. No longer would Gillian be forced to measure her coffee with a butter knife. But Joel still wasn’t satisfied. The reasoning behind his frantic efforts was simple and selfish—he was extremely worried that this time Gillian would tell someone what had happened and they would come to the house. He knew that he had done the wrong thing and that the years past would take a lot to make up, but he needed Gillian to stay. As much as he told her to get out and did everything in his power to drive her out, he needed her to stay, to give him the chance to make up for everything he had done to her.

  Next thing Joel jumped in the car and took off to the nearest supermarket. He was going to stock the fridge and pantry, something he hadn’t done since the day Gillian moved in. Once she began living there it was one of those chores that just became hers. The difference was that for years she’d had access to the joint bank account and paid for the groceries from there. But then Joel had cut that off too, and pretty soon the lack of food, and especially fresh food, had been limited to what Gillian could afford on her meager salary.

  Joel grabbed a trolley and began pushing it down the aisle. He was halfway down when he realized he had no idea what he was supposed to get. What did kids eat? What were they allergic to? He had absolutely no idea. But then he found one. A short frumpy woman in front of him had a long list and was throwing items into her own trolley with wild abandon. So he started following her, copying what she bought. It seemed normal enough. Muesli bars, juice boxes, single serving packets of chips, the list went on and on. Then Joel started to think. He remembered having all that sort of stuff in his lunch box when he was a kid, so surely that would be good enough to satisfy his own children.

  By the time the sun was setting, Joel was exhausted. Not just physically from the cleaning and moving stuff about, but on edge emotionally too. He didn’t know who to expect to come storming through the front door and let him have it. His mother. Gillian’s girlfriends. The police. The Department of Community Services. He couldn’t shake the memory of the defeated look on Gillian’s face as she heard the snap in her wrist. The pained, terrified expression in her eyes.

  But no one came. He sat there in the silence as night fell and just waited. His children never came home. Not even a text message to say where they were. And no sign of Gillian. Joel was beginning to wonder if he should try and track her down just to make sure she was okay, but thought better of it. After today’s effort she might think he was coming back for round two, and Joel knew she had every right to feel that way.

  Instead, Joel just drifted off to sleep on the couch and waited for them to come home. He needn’t have bothered. They didn’t come home that night.

  Chapter

  Twenty-Five

  Gillian

  Usually Heidi was the most cautious driver I knew, but today she wasn’t herself. Instead, some rally car driver inhabited her body as she flew through traffic, even running a red light despite my desperate pleas to slow down. “I have to get you to hospital,” she stated repetitively.

  “No!” I said as forcefully as I could muster, which in all honesty was nothing more than a meek little whisper.

  “Gillian, just shut up complaining. You are going to the hospital and I don’t want to hear any more about it. That wrist needs someone to look at it,” she snapped severely.

  I glanced down at the lifeless wrist in my hand and tried to wiggle my fingers. Frustratingly, they wouldn’t budge. I knew it was broken and someone needed to look at it, but I didn’t want to admit it. Then I would have to admit that I had been stupid enough to go up against Joel thinking that I could possibly win. Another silent tear trickled down my cheek. I thought I’d gotten away with it, but Heidi saw me looking miserable and reached over and patted my thigh gently. She touched me as if I was glass, so fragile that even the tiniest amount of pressure would break me. And in that moment, it just may have.

  “How did you get to my place so fast? I had barely been in the house five minutes,” I asked, trying to think things through logically.

  “Are you kidding me? You send me a cryptic text me saying you are going home and if I haven’t heard from you in an hour to call the police. Like hell I’m waiting an hour to check on you. And I’m glad I didn’t. He could have killed you in an hour and buried your body.”

  I felt myself recoil on the seat beside her. Even though I knew she was right, I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact. Just the thought of Joel burying my body was enough to turn my body rigid with fear.

  “Oh,” was all I managed to offer.

  “Yeah, oh. I told my boss it was an emergency and flew over here. You’re paying any speeding fine and red light cameras that I got done by today, just so you know.” Heidi laughed, trying to lighten the situation.

  Up ahead I could see the hospital and suddenly I was filled with a trembling fear. I had already learnt that hospitals ask questions. And when you don’t answer them they just send specialist after specialist down to keep asking. The same questions in different ways. It was almost like that was their fee for treating me. It would only cost me the truth. And they had no idea what the real price of that truth was.

  “Gillian?” Heidi looked over at me, worried. “You okay?”

  “No.”

  “You can do this. You need to do this. You need to show them your wrist and your neck and your knee and anything else that you haven’t even told me about. I want you thoroughly checked out. We’re not leaving here until I’m satisfied you’re okay to go home.”

  “You’re staying?”

  “Of course.” Heidi smiled, pulling into a drop off park behind an ambulance that was being restocked by a very attractive young ambulance officer. “I’m not going to leave you here. You go in. I’ll just go and park and I will be right behind you. I promise.”

  “Okay,” I agreed, the throbbing pain in my body barely tolerable. I watched as Heidi jumped out, ran around, and opened my door for me, helping me out of the car. I was still very unstable on my feet, wobbling about, barely able to hold myself up.

  “Excuse me?” Heidi called out to the ambulance officer I had only moments ago been admiring. He turned around and faced me and I realized he was more dashing than I had given him credit for. “Would you be able to help me get my friend inside?”
she asked, flashing him her best smile.

  “I’ll grab a wheelchair,” he agreed, darting inside the automatic doors.

  “Are you flirting with him?” I asked, forcing myself to focus on anything but what was going on.

  “There’s got to be one good thing to come out of all this mess.” Heidi giggled like the teenage girl I remembered. He reappeared and together Heidi and Nathan, as I discovered his name to be, lowered me into the chair.

  “I’ll take her through if you like, that way you can move your car,” he offered sincerely, flashing a million dollar smile. Shockingly, I felt even my ice-cold heart melt a little.

  “Thanks,” Heidi said. “Gillian, I’m right behind you. And please tell them the truth,” she begged.

  I didn’t intend to be alarmed by her comment; I should have seen it coming. Joel had hurt me so many times before that no one kept count any more. But it had never been this severe before. I knew Heidi wanted me to tell someone, anyone, what he had done, but I couldn’t. There were things that Heidi didn’t understand. Things she could never comprehend.

  Without another word, Nathan pushed me through the crowded waiting room and straight into an examination room. “Aren’t I jumping the queue?” I asked. I didn’t want to put anyone out; I wasn’t that bad.

  “Yes and no. If you are brought in by ambulance you go straight in, so no, you aren’t jumping the queue because I brought you in. But yes, you did because you didn’t technically arrive at the hospital by ambulance. But the injuries I can see, the ones around your neck have me worried, so I want you checked out as soon as possible,” Nathan explained as his beeper exploded. “Sorry, I have to run. You’ll be safe here and the doctor is on his way. Oh, here she is now. You’re safe, Gillian. He can’t get to you in here,” he repeated knowingly.

  I hated myself. After spending only two minutes with me, Nathan had already picked up on the panic and shame that consumed me completely. And he could see the truth. I don’t know if it was the fear in my eyes or the fact that he had seen the same thing a million times before in his occupation, but the fact that he knew the truth scared me beyond words.

  A moment later Nathan had vanished and left me with the tiniest lady I had ever seen. She took one look at my drooping wrist and sent me straight down to x-ray. With my working arm I rubbed at my pounding knee. Even those few short moments with weight on it had been enough to exacerbate the pain shooting through my whole body.

  The young orderly pushing me along in the wheelchair saw me rubbing at my knee. “Do we need to check that too?” he asked, indicating my knee.

  “I’m sure it will be fine. Just a bit tender,” I lied. I had no idea how bad it was and I didn’t want to look. I was afraid that it would be worse than the pain and I didn’t have time to deal with a leg problem as well as a broken wrist.

  Seeing the desperation on my face, he said nothing more to me, but as I was moved into the x-ray the lady operating the machines came out from behind her little protective cubicle wearing her iron vest and told me that they would be checking my wrist and my leg. I didn’t have the energy to argue. They could check it. At least then we would know.

  Two hours later I was upstairs lying in my private room, Heidi sitting beside me. I was waiting for surgery. My wrist, as expected, was broken badly, and would require some pins to hold it together. Surgery would be later on that night, so I couldn’t eat or drink anything. My knee was also pretty badly damaged. It wasn’t broken, but the tendons had been hyper-extended and my knee cap had a tiny piece of bone that had chipped off and was now floating about somewhere in my leg.

  “Don’t worry about the kids. I’ve already spoken to Adele, and she’s going to pick them up from school and take them back to her place tonight,” Heidi explained.

  “You didn’t tell her, did you?” I asked, panicked.

  “No, I gave her no details. I didn’t need to.”

  I pressed the button the nurse had thrust into my hand before she’d left. It was my pain management button. All I had to do was press it and I would instantly be administered a dose of morphine and then I would feel blissfully unaware of everything.

  “Joel did this, didn’t he?” Heidi asked nervously.

  I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. Instead, I rolled away from her and closed my eyes. Suddenly I was so tired I couldn’t even keep my head up.

  “Gillian, enough is enough. Did Joel do this?” she repeated.

  I stared at her blankly. Heidi just stared back at me, patiently waiting for an answer. She deserved one. She had come running without me even asking her to. Heidi was the one to pick me up off the driveway and race me to the hospital despite all my protests. I owed her the truth, if for no other reason than to admit it to someone, someone who wouldn’t judge me. Eventually, I looked into Heidi’s searching eyes and saw the loving, caring, kind, and compassionate friend I had always known.

  “Yes,” was all I could offer before the tears came for both of us.

  Time passed and nothing was said. Then Heidi’s phone beeped, another text had come through. “Rhiannon is on her way,” was all Heidi offered. I raised a quizzical eyebrow at her. “Yes, I rang her. I panicked and called her. But don’t worry, it’s just Rhiannon. She loves you and she won’t tell anyone. But right now we both need her. It’s not just about you, Gillian. I need her right now as much as you do!”

  I knew she was one hundred and ten percent right. If I could trust anyone with my secrets it was Rhiannon. But right now I didn’t want to say anything. I just wanted to be left alone.

  I looked at Heidi. She had been amazing. But right now, dosed high on morphine and embarrassment, I needed a rest. “Heidi, I love you,” I began feeling guilty, knowing what I was about to say. “But would you mind giving me some time? I’m so tired. I just need to get some rest.”

  With a curious look, Heidi gathered up her handbag. “Okay, Gillian. I’m going to go down to the coffee shop to get some lunch. Need anything?” she offered.

  I wasn’t sure if she believed me or she just didn’t want to argue, but Heidi had come through when I needed her. “I’m fine. But thank you. For everything. I’m just so tired I just need to get some sleep and I’ll be back to my normal self,” I lied. It would take a lot more than a nap to get me back to normal, but neither of us were going to point that out.

  “I’ll come back in a while. Try to get some rest and don’t think about it. We’ll deal with it later. One thing at a time. Let’s get you back on your feet first.” Heidi smiled, leaning over and kissing me lightly on the head before disappearing out the door.

  I was glad for the peace and quiet. I needed time to be on my own and just think. How was I going to get out of this one? How could I possibly have been so stupid to go to the house and attack him? I had this coming. I deserved what I got. There was no point feeling sorry for myself. And I didn’t want anyone else feeling sorry for me either. But despite the personal torture I was inflicting on myself I managed to drift off into a dreamless sleep for a while.

  It felt like my eyes had only been closed for five minutes but when the nurse hovering over me woke me up I was amazed to see an hour and a half had passed. She checked my vitals, asked some questions about my pain levels, to which I just murmured some sleepy answer, and then told me my surgery had been delayed a while. They were still hoping to get me in tonight, but they couldn’t guarantee it. At that point I didn’t care.

  “Can I please make a phone call?” I asked.

  As I came out of my sleepy state I realized that all I wanted to do was talk to my kids. They needed to know that I loved them and that I hadn’t abandoned them. They needed to know that I wouldn’t be home tonight, but I would be tomorrow, and the night after that and the night after that.

  “Sure, I’ll just grab you the handset. Do you know the number or would you like me to look one up for you?” she offered helpfully.

  “Thanks, I know this one.”

  Moments later I was talking in hushed tones do
wn the phone to Adele. She was pleading with me not to go to the police and at the same time apologizing relentlessly for Joel’s latest outburst. I knew Adele blamed herself personally for this, but it wasn’t her fault. She wasn’t there and she had absolutely nothing to do with it. Joel was a grown man who made his own bad choices. And one day he would have to pay for them.

  “Can I speak to the kids?” I asked nervously. I didn’t want them to know what happened but I wouldn’t lie to them either. How much they found out would depend on what questions they asked.

  Lucas was first on the phone and, like a normal five-year-old he didn’t once ask where I was or when I was coming home. Instead, he just told me all about his day and the finger painting he had done of a kite flying in the sky. Then he handed the phone to Bianca, who was a bit more inquisitive, but not so much so that I had to tell her where I was. “Nana said you were with Aunty Heidi and Aunty Rhiannon?” she asked innocently.

  “Yeah, I am, sweetheart. Is that okay?”

  “Yep,” she sung merrily. I was grateful for Bianca’s cheerful disposition. “Did you want to talk to Charli?” she offered.

  I wanted to say no. My head was screaming to say no, but I couldn’t do it. “If she’s there,” I agreed, knowing she was hovering over Bianca, waiting for the phone to be passed over to her.

  “Hi Mum,” she said curtly.

  “Hi darling, how was your day?” I asked, trying to keep things as normal as possible.

  “Where are you?”

  “I’m with Aunty Rhiannon and Aunty Heidi,” I replied. In the distance I could hear the wail of the ambulance siren getting closer and closer to the hospital. I prayed that Charli didn’t pick up on it.