Nobody Knows

by Rebecca Barber

  “Yeah, Nana told me that. But where are you?”

  My blood ran cold. She knew something. And if she didn’t know, she suspected. “I’m at the hospital,” was all I managed, giving her as little information as I could.

  I heard her gulping on the other end of the phone line. “Are you okay?” she asked, no louder than a whisper.

  “Yes, sweetheart, I’m fine. See, I’m talking to you. I’m okay.” I tried to hold it together and steady my voice, but the innocence on the other end of the phone broke my heart. Tears streamed down my face as Rhiannon and Heidi emerged, both carrying paper cups of just warm coffee. Immediately they started towards me, arms out ready for a hug, but I shook my head at them and they froze on the spot, both staring at me intently.

  “I want to come and see you,” Charli insisted.

  “Now’s not a good time. Visiting hours are over. I promise I’m fine. I’ll be home tomorrow.” I prayed that I was telling the truth. I didn’t want to let her down. But the way my surgery kept getting bumped back, a part of me doubted that I would even be home in a week.

  “What did he do to you?” She cried openly now.

  And that was the end of me. I couldn’t restrain the tears any longer. Charli cried at me and I couldn’t help it but sob back at her. “Nothing, sweetheart, it was just an accident. Mummy’s hurt her wrist and needs a cast on it, that’s all. The doctors will put the cast on, hopefully tonight or tomorrow morning, and I’ll be home after that.” My heart broke. It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the truth either. I felt like a fraud.

  “Mummy, please,” she begged. I could hear Adele in the background shooing Bianca and Lucas away from anything that they could overhear. “Please, I want to see you.”

  And more than anything I wanted to see her. If just to prove to her I was okay. “Okay, okay, Charli. Calm down. Stop crying. Aunty Heidi is going to drive over to Nana’s right now and pick you up. She will bring you here to me and then she will take you back again. I don’t want you to worry.” My eyes never left Heidi’s and she just nodded her agreement, silently slipping her handbag over her shoulder and heading for the door. “She’s leaving now, so make sure you have some shoes on. She won’t be long.”

  “Okay,” she spluttered. I could tell she was trying to pull herself together and I admired her strength and persistence.

  “I’ll see you in a little bit.” I smiled inwardly, wondering how I was going to hide the truth from her once she was in front of me.

  “I love you, Mummy,” she murmured. “See you in a minute.” And she clicked off.

  She never heard me reply, “I love you too, Charli.”

  Rhiannon didn’t even let me wipe my eyes with my one useable hand. “What the fuck happened?” she asked angrily. I had never seen her so furious before. Rhiannon had a serious temper and it was at boiling point. I wondered how I could calm her down, but I had no ideas and no energy.

  “Calm down, Rhiannon. I’m okay. It’s my own stupid fault anyway,” I began dismissively.

  “Don’t be daft!” she retorted. “How do you figure that?”

  I knew I needed to get this done before Charli arrived. Rhiannon was seething and I had only a limited time to explain what had happened and calm her down before I was once again a bubbling mess of tears with my daughter curled up on my lap. “I went there looking for a fight,” I offered in a way of explanation.

  “What? Why?”

  “Because last night I had to take the kids to Adele’s. Again. And I was humiliated. That’s three times this week we’ve had to flee our own home in the middle of the night and sneak into her house. Did you know that Bianca calls the spare room at Adele’s place her bedroom? That’s how much time she spends there. She had clothes and toys and everything there. And Charli keeps asking why we have to leave. Why couldn’t Joel just leave? There is only one of him and four of us, it just doesn’t seem fair. And I don’t have an answer for her. Not a good one, anyway. So I went there. Back to our home. And I asked him to leave. I told him the truth. That his kids didn’t want to come home while he was there. I let him have it. The ugly, undeniable truth. And well, you can see for yourself how well he took that.” And there it was. The truth. The unexpected, uninvited, and unacceptable truth.

  For a moment Rhiannon looked at me with eyes filled with sadness and pity. Then she shook her head and said, “Well, what happens next?”

  “Nothing. There’s nothing I can do.”

  “Bullshit!” she snapped harshly, strength possessing her. “You’re going to tell the police. And you need to tell them the truth. The whole truth. Not the Gillian truth, where most of the important parts are conveniently left out.”

  I sat up in the bed, squinting as the pain shot through me with every movement. “No, Rhiannon. I’m not.”

  “Why the fuck not?” she asked loudly, moving towards the door and pushing it closed with a thud.

  “Because I have no proof. There would be no point. It’s my word against his.” And there it was. The blatant truth. Every time something like this had happened Joel had been careful enough to make sure no one was around. No one had ever seen him be anything other than charming towards me. So who would believe me? I would come off looking like the bad guy for kicking him when he was down. He would play the depressed card, how he had lost his job and then as a result he had lost his family.

  “Grow a brain, Gillian. I know he smacked you around the head a bit but you are not that dumb. I know you. And I know you aren’t. Do you not think that all the x-rays over the years that are kept on your file won’t back up your story of years of abuse? Or that those hand prints on your neck aren’t classified as evidence?” Rhiannon almost yelled.

  “Keep your voice down,” I pleaded.

  Rhiannon looked at me and saw me shrinking away from her. I think she thought I was waiting for her to hit me too. “Gillian, I love you, but enough is enough. You need to let the police help you.”

  Sighing, I looked up and saw the tenderness in her eyes. Rhiannon just wanted this to end. She didn’t want any more frantic phone calls from the hospital or any more of me showing up on her doorstep in tears, three kids in tow. “You don’t know what he’s like. He can be very charming and very charismatic when he wants to be. No one will believe me. And things will get worse. He would kill me if he knew I told you about it.”

  “Gillian, the way things are going, he’s going to kill you regardless of whether I know or not.”

  The words hung heavily in the air. Rhiannon was right. When Joel had me pinned to the wall by my throat and I was struggling to breathe, I barely recognized him. His eyes were empty. He felt no remorse, no pain, nothing. I meant nothing to him.

  “Rhiannon?” I began, but she sat on the end of the bed and held her hand up, stopping me mid-sentence.

  “Just listen to me, please. Hear me out. Okay, let’s say you do go to the police and tell them everything. And I mean everything. The years of being slapped around. The lack of financial support for your children. The dead bolt on the bedroom door and everything else. Then they go and confront Joel. And he plays his part perfectly. He is the charming, sophisticated man you once knew. Do you not think the police will see through that? They’re trained to spot bullshit. All the lies in the world aren’t going to be enough to get him out of this one.”

  “He’ll justify it. He always does.” I smiled sadly. I knew I was defeated and the police couldn’t help. Even if Rhiannon didn’t accept that reality, I did.

  “Well, Gillian, tell me this. How is he going to lie his way around those marks on your neck where he wrapped his own hands and tried to help you take your last breath? How is he going to explain that one?” She left the question hanging between us.

  I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. In my head I knew she was probably right. But I still couldn’t imagine doing it. Instead, I pushed the button in my hand and got another hit of morphine, hoping the throbbing in my head would go away. Morphine was probably
a bit over the top for a headache, but it was the easiest right now.

  “Rhiannon, I love you, but please let me just deal with it my way. Can you do that?” I asked after a while, my eyes half closed and my speech badly slurred.

  Rhiannon lay down next to me and as gently as she could, she hugged me. “The only way I will agree to that is if you do something about it. It has to stop, Gillian. You need to stop it or he will kill you. Your children need you to stop it.”

  “I know,” was all I could say. I knew she was right. But I had no idea where to go or what to do from there.

  We lay there in silence, Rhiannon stroking my arm softly. It was comforting, and considering I was lying in the hospital waiting for surgery, it was the best I had felt in months.

  It wasn’t long before Charli was standing in the doorway. “Hi sweetie,” was all I managed to say before she burst into tears and slid down the door frame. Foolishly, I hadn’t expected it to be that hard on her. I knew I looked average at best, but I didn’t realize the effect it would have on Charli.

  Hearing Charli’s sobs, Rhiannon climbed off the bed. “It’s okay. Come on. Jump up here next to Mum. She’s okay,” Rhiannon tried, but Charli just cried harder.

  “We’ll give you a minute.” Heidi smiled the best she could, leading Rhiannon from the room.

  “Hey munchkin. You doing okay?” I asked, hugging her as tightly as I could.

  Through the barrage of sobs she nodded and then looked up at me. Her wide eyes weren’t sad, they were petrified. “Mum, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine, sweetie, I promise,” I said, squeezing her again. “I look worse than it is. My wrist is broken, like I told you, and I’m waiting for them to take me into surgery and fix it.”

  “Does it hurt?”

  “A little bit. But they’re giving me some medication to help, so it’s okay. How are you? How was your day at school?” I tried directing the topic away from my problems. The less Charli knew, the better it would be for her.

  “I’m scared,” she admitted, burying her head against my neck. Involuntarily I winced in pain. She had unwittingly put pressure on some of the green bruises gathering on my throat.

  “What are you scared of?”

  “Dad.”

  I didn’t know what to say. There was nothing in the parenting handbook to tell me what to do or what to say next. The truth was I was scared of her dad and I couldn’t bring myself to assure her that she had nothing to be scared of. Because the truth was I didn’t know if she did or not. I knew I didn’t want him anywhere near them. For their own safety I wanted them as far away from him as possible. But telling that to a very fragile, very young girl wasn’t an option either.

  “Don’t be scared. You are completely safe with Grandma. You can stay with her until I come home, which will either be tomorrow or the day after. Then everything can go back to normal. I promise.” And I meant it. Once this was over I wasn’t going to try and bait Joel again. Rhiannon’s words had struck home, even if she didn’t know it. Although I couldn’t tell anyone what had happened, it didn’t mean I didn’t believe them.

  “What if I don’t want things to go back to how they are?” she asked naïvely.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’m not going home while he’s there. He hurts you, Mum. And I know he hasn’t hurt me, but I don’t want to see you in hospital again. You think I don’t know it, but I do. And so does Bianca. But we don’t tell you about it, because you don’t want to talk about it,” she cried wholeheartedly.

  I didn’t know what to say. I was stunned. If I had known the extent of the things they knew, everything would certainly be different. “Charli,” I began to cry back at her. For a long time we just sat there, holding onto each other for dear life crying. There was no pain in my arm anymore, just an aching in my heart.

  Soon Charli tired herself out and fell asleep on my chest. Although the weight of her was putting me in more agony than I could bear, I refused to wake her or try and move. Rhiannon and Heidi reappeared and sat silently beside us. For a long time we sat quietly, consumed in our own thoughts.

  “Heidi,” I whispered. “Can you please take her home?”

  “Sure,” she said, glad to be able to do something.

  “And Rhiannon, I love you, but you need to go home too. I’m so tired and so drugged I can’t take anymore tonight. I’m fine. Like you said, I’m safe here. So go home and get some sleep. I beg of you,” I pleaded.

  “Okay,” she agreed reluctantly. “But I’ll be back first thing tomorrow morning.” There was no point arguing.

  Gently I woke Charli, who sat up immediately and looked around anxiously. “What’s wrong? Are you okay? What’s happening?” she gushed, scouring the room.

  “Sssh. Nothing’s wrong, sweetheart. It’s time to go back to Grandma’s,” I explained.

  “But I want to stay here with you,” Charli pleaded.

  “Come on now. Mum needs to rest so she can have surgery tomorrow. I promise I’ll bring you back tomorrow afternoon after school. How ’bout I pick you up and we’ll come straight here?” Heidi offered.

  I was grateful to my girlfriends. Not only did they look out for me and help me whenever and with whatever I needed, but they always went above and beyond with my kids as well. I couldn’t have asked for better friends than that. But they were more than friends. They were my family.

  “Is that okay, Mum?” Charli asked hopefully.

  How could I say no? “Of course it is. Now go on. All of you go home and let me get some sleep,” I instructed as forcefully as I could.

  Grudgingly they all lined up, wished me a good night’s sleep, kissed my forehead, and disappeared out the door. I thought I would be asleep in mere seconds, but two hours later I was still staring into the darkness listening to the gentle hum of the machines, replaying the nightmare of a day. At some point I must have fallen asleep because I don’t remember being wheeled down the corridor and into the operating room.

  Chapter

  Twenty-Six

  Joel

  Joel woke with the sun. The house was still and silent. It was weird. Joel usually ranted and raved and complained about the morning noise and the chaos as Gillian tried to get three kids fed and dressed and out the door, but today he missed it. He jumped in the shower, taking time to work out the kinks from his neck. While the couch was comfortable for a couple of hours, sleeping on it wasn’t.

  After his shower, Joel sat in the kitchen for the first time in years and ate his breakfast. And for the first time in as long as he could remember he awoke alone and without a hangover. Sitting there eating his vegemite toast, he didn’t know whether it was a good thing or if the loneliness was too much.

  When the silence was overwhelming and Joel couldn’t stand it anymore, he grabbed the phone and punched in his mother’s number. He hadn’t used it in over six years, but still he knew it by heart.

  “Hello,” she answered stoically.

  “Hi Mum, it’s me,” Joel offered timidly.

  He heard the phone drop, then some muttering as Adele fought to pick it up. Her shock was evident even across town. “Hello, Joel. How are you?” she asked dispassionately.

  “I’m doing okay, Mum. How have you been?”

  “I’m fine. Look, I’m rather busy right now; can I call you back later this afternoon?” Joel thought he heard faith there, but he didn’t want to get his hopes up.

  “Is there anything I can do to help?” he offered desperately.

  “No, no. I’m fine. Just a bit busy is all.”

  “No problem. Can I just talk to Gillian for a second then?”

  “She’s actually not here at the moment, Joel. But I can give her a message if you like,” Adele offered, her tone shaky.

  “Where is she then?” His voice hitched slightly.

  “Look, Joel,” Adele countered. “She’s not here and I’m very busy. Now is not a good time. I’ll call you this afternoon.”

  “For fuck’s sake,
Mother! Stop being such a lying bitch and just tell me where the fuck my wife is. I know she hides at your place. And you let her! Don’t you remember that you’re supposed to be my mother, not hers?”

  Joel listened as Adele sucked in a deep breath and counted to five. “Joel Jacob Matthews, I am your mother and you will not speak to me like that. And secondly, I know exactly where your wife is, and if you don’t, then that’s the best thing she has done in a long time. You need to stop, and stop now. You know you could go to jail for what you’ve done? I raised you better than this. Grow up, Joel. Be a man and take some responsibility for yourself for a change. Now I have to go. Someone has to make sure your kids get to school on time.”

  ***

  Adele

  Stepping back from the phone, Adele was shaking profusely. Although she hadn’t told Joel where Gillian was, she had exacerbated the situation. And told him that she had the kids. Now she was just praying feverishly that he stayed away from them. But she didn’t have time to worry. She had to get them in the car and on their way to school. For some reason this morning Charli wouldn’t eat her breakfast and barely made a peep. She just did what she needed to do and kept going. She helped Lucas with his shoes, made her bed, packed her lunch, and tied up Bianca’s hair. But it was all done with a frown and in deathly silence.

  ***

  Joel

  Joel paced up and down like a caged beast, the frustration and anger growing with each step. His face was a twisted, distorted mess, covered in tiny sweat beads as he cursed and muttered under his breath. Then, unexpectedly and out of nowhere, he let out a booming howl. “Where the fuck is she?” he cried to no one. Only the echo of his voice answered him.

  The rage grew. Joel quickly tired of standing around waiting for his fate to knock on the door. Instead, he grabbed his car keys and took off. He went to all the places he thought of. He drove past Rhiannon’s but the blinds were shut and there was no sign of life. It didn’t mean she wasn’t there, but finding out at this stage was more trouble than it was worth. He went to Heidi’s but it too looked deserted. It was the middle of the day; maybe she was at work. He drove to her building and parked innocently out the front. Instead of risking alarming Gillian by ringing her office phone, Joel called the main reception line and asked to speak to her. When he was told that she was off sick for the rest of the week he slammed his fist as hard as he could into the steering wheel.