by Vikki Vaught
Jonathan groaned. “I hope you get to feeling better, but it doesn’t work that way for me. I’ll continue to feel ill until we are back on the beach.”
Allison came over to them, and when she looked into their faces, she sighed. “Oh dear, both of you are feeling ill, aren’t you? I had hoped that it wouldn’t affect you this way. I’ll go tell Roderick, and we’ll turn around and go back.”
Allison went to the helm to speak with Roderick. “We’re going to have turn around and go back to shore. Both Jonathan and Lady Kathryn are turning green, they’re so ill. I hate that they’re feeling so poorly.”
Roderick shrugged his shoulders. “Oh well, at least they tried. God, it’s a glorious day to be sailing, but I guess we have to go back. Tell them that I’ll get them back as quickly as possible. At least Elaine doesn’t get seasick. She’ll be disappointed that we have to go back.”
Allison went over to Jonathan and Kathryn and assured them. “I spoke with Roderick and he’s turning around now. We should have you back on dry land shortly.”
Roderick steered the yacht back into the waterway, and soon they were back on dry land. Since it was still early, Roderick, Allison, and Elaine decided to go back out when Kathryn and Jonathan assured them they would be fine now that they were back on land.
Kathryn had a pensive look on her face as she watched the yacht head back down the channel. “They were so disappointed when we became ill. I’m disappointed as well. I really thought I’d like it. At first, I was enjoying it when we were still in the waterway, but once we got out on the open sea, it was horrible. I feel fine now that we’re back on land. Isn’t it odd the way that works?”
“I knew what it was going to be like, because I’ve tried to go out several times, but I always react the same way. It’s a good thing that I joined the army instead of the navy, or I would have been in trouble. I guess we had better go back to the house. What do you want to do for the rest of the day?”
As the wind blew Kathryn’s hair, she tucked a lock behind her ear. “I guess I’ll go up to the room they have given me to use as my studio and get everything ready to start the portrait tomorrow. What are you going to do?”
Jonathan smiled as he watched her play with her hair.
God, she was so gorgeous.
Jonathan wished he could relive these last eight years in a way that would make him worthy of her. “I think that I’ll go play the pianoforte for a while. I find it very relaxing. I’ve been playing almost every day for the last few weeks. I’m not sure why I ever stopped.” Jonathan knew it was because of his conversations with Kathryn that he was playing again. She had enriched his life so much.
God, all he wanted to do was pull her in his arms and hold her close to his heart.
If he could do that, he would be content.
As Kathryn and Jonathan walked back to the house, Kathryn said, “You play beautifully. I tried to learn, but while I could play with my right hand and also my left, when I tried to put them together it was a disaster. My sister-in-law, Mary, is an incredibly accomplished pianist. I could sit and listen to her play for hours.”
“I didn’t realize you had another sister-in-law. You’ve never mentioned her before. She was your other brother’s wife, I suppose? I didn’t realize that he was married. Did they not have any children?”
“They had a daughter, Angela, and she’s almost six years old and adorable. Mary also has a son, Roderick, from a previous marriage. Poor Mary didn’t have very good luck with her husbands. Her first husband was killed in Portugal, and then Nelson died of a wasting disease.”
“I imagine that she must have had a difficult time when your brother Nelson died. How many nieces and nephews do you have?”
Jonathan watched her as she talked about her nieces and nephews. Her face glowed. “I have ten that I claim. I adore children, and I think that’s why I enjoy painting them so much. I look forward to painting your niece and nephew. They’re both beautiful children. Frankford looks quite a bit like you, did you realize that?”
By this time, Kathryn and Jonathan were back at the house, and he opened the door for her. “I never really thought about it, but you’re right, he does look like me. I’m so grateful that Roderick married Allison, and that they have two beautiful children with another one on the way. It makes my decision not to marry easier to abide by.”
“With what happened with your ex-fiancée, I do understand why you don’t want to marry.”
“I still don’t understand why you’re so opposed to marriage. I know you feel that a husband wouldn’t want you to paint,” he hesitated, then quickly continued, “but if I were to marry you…for instance, I’d never stand in your way.” Looking at Kathryn, he tried to gauge her reaction, but couldn’t see anything in her expression that would let him know what she was feeling.
“Jonathan, you’re quite different than most men. Of course, this is all hypothetical since we both know you’re not interested in marrying.”
“I still say you have an incredible gift, and I don’t believe any man who cared about you…would keep you from your art. I would think that you’d want to marry so you can have children of your own since you love them so much.”
“My art is important to me, and I do feel that most men would stand in my way, but the bigger reason,” she paused, then continued, “is because of what happened to me when I was sixteen. I won’t bore you with the details, but I could never think about marrying because of what happened.”
Seeing how distressed this conversation was making Kathryn, Jonathan quickly said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry or make you uncomfortable. Please forgive me.”
Looking away, Kathryn answered, “I’m all right, but I think I’ll go on up to my studio now. I’ll see you at luncheon.”
Jonathan watched Kathryn as she went up the stairs. He didn’t know for sure, but he suspected that a man had assaulted her when she was sixteen. He couldn’t think of any other incident that would turn her so strongly against marriage. If he ever got his hands on whoever it was, he would kill him for hurting her.
What was he going to do when he didn’t see her anymore?
How was he ever going to forget her?
Jonathan’s heart filled with love for her. While he desired her desperately, it was more than just sexually. He wanted to protect her from harm and help her achieve her goals as an artist. He realized that he would want her even if he could never be with her intimately. He would rather have her friendship than nothing at all. As hard as it would be, he wouldn’t go to London and try to forget her. He realized he could never forget her, even if he lived to be a hundred.
He knew…he would love Kathryn…for the rest of his life.
Roderick, Allison, and Elaine were back in time for tea. Kathryn was quiet during tea, and wondered if their earlier conversation had upset her. Jonathan went over to her and asked, “Kathryn, are you feeling all right? You seem to be a little quiet this afternoon. I didn’t say anything that upset you earlier when we were talking?”
“No, it isn’t anything you said. I just started thinking about being childless my entire life, and it had made me a little sad. I do love children. When I’m in London, I volunteer at St. Mark’s Orphanage. Melody has volunteered there for years and got me involved.”
Jonathan reached for her hand and stroked it. “I admire you tremendously. If you ever need to talk, or anything, please let me know. I want to be there for you. You’re an incredibly beautiful person, and you deserve to be happy. If you would just tell me who hurt you, I would take care of him for you. I don’t need the details to know that a man hurt you in some way. Please just tell me who it was.”
Kathryn’s gorgeous violet eyes filled with tears. “Thank you. You are such a dear friend. The man who hurt me died this past winter, so he can never hurt me, or anyone else, ever again.”
Without thinking, Jonathan brushed a tear from her cheek. “Well, good. Now, let’s talk about happier things. Did you get everythi
ng ready to start the portrait tomorrow?” Jonathan asked.
Kathryn wiped the rest of her tears away, and answered him with a smile. “Yes, everything is ready. Did you enjoy playing your music this afternoon? I listened at the top of the stairs. You do play beautifully. I could listen to you play for hours. How old were you when you started playing?”
Jonathan continued to hold her hand, just enjoying the feel of it nestled in his firm clasp. “My mother taught me to play. She played magnificently, and I started playing when I was about five years old. I wanted to be as good as she was. I got away from it when I came back from Waterloo. I’m glad I’ve started to play again, since I find it so soothing.”
“I’m glad you’ve started playing again too. You have an incredible gift,” Kathryn said. “You play as well as Mary.”
Hesitantly, Jonathan said, “The main reason playing is so important to me is…Kathryn…I have a drinking problem. Since I met you, I’ve tried to stop drinking. It’s been over two weeks since I drank anything stronger than wine. Having to go into Bath for my sittings helped me realize that I needed to stop. While you were painting my portrait, I had a lot of time to think, and I realized that I’ve been abusing myself for eight years, and it’s time that I stopped. I hope you don’t think less of me because I told you this.”
Kathryn squeezed his hand. “I could never think less of you. I’m honored that you feel you can confide in me. I understand how easy it is to need something as a crutch. After what happened to me when I was sixteen, I was in so much emotional pain that I began taking laudanum. I came close to losing my life because of it. If it weren’t for Melody and Helen, I would probably be dead. It takes a very strong individual to overcome an affliction, so I’m proud of you for realizing that you have a problem, and that you’re trying to do something about it.”
Jonathan gazed directly into her eyes. “You’re the bravest, most wonderful person I’ve ever known. I count myself fortunate that you’ve decided to be my friend. Again, if you ever need anything, all you have to do is ask.”
“Thank you, Jonathan. I value your friendship more than I can ever say. The same goes for me, if you ever need anything or you just need to talk, I’ll be there for you. It looks like everyone has left the drawing room. I think that I’ll go up to my room and lie down before dinner.” As she walked out of the room, Jonathan was again overwhelmed by the love he felt for her. Just knowing Kathryn had drastically changed his life.
Chapter 9
Late August 1823
Kathryn started on the portrait the next day. She did sketches of the children individually and together. She did the same for Roderick and Allison. By the end of the second week, she was ready to start painting. She had to keep the sessions short because of the children, but they sat for her every day. When she wasn’t working on the painting, she was spending time with Jonathan.
They took long walks along the shore together, and she felt a great sense of peace and serenity when she was with Jonathan. Kathryn wished she weren’t so afraid of men, because if she ever could get over her fear, she realized she could marry someone like Jonathan.
Roderick, Allison, and Elaine went sailing almost every afternoon as long as the weather cooperated. She envied the relationship that Roderick and Allison had with each other. It was obvious they were in love. Allison just glowed every time she gazed at Roderick. If her uncle had left her alone, she could have had what they had. She tried not to be bitter, but sometimes it was very hard.
The end of the third week of her stay, Kathryn was more than halfway finished with the portrait. The children were being very cooperative, and it was making the project go much quicker than she had expected. She estimated that she would be finished by the end of next week. That afternoon, Roderick and Allison went sailing by themselves. Since Elaine had a cold, she was too miserable to go with them. About an hour after they left, the sky started to cloud up, and Kathryn heard thunder rumbling in the distance.
Kathryn went to look for Jonathan and found him in the music room playing. “Jonathan, did you hear that thunder? It sounds as if a storm is coming. Do you think Roderick and Allison will be all right?”
Jonathan smiled reassuringly. “I’m sure Roderick and Allison will be fine. Roderick is a very good sea captain, and I’m sure he has already turned back. I expect they’ll be coming home before it gets too bad. How’s the portrait coming along? Do you have any idea when you’ll be finished?”
“I’m more than halfway finished, so I expect I’ll have it finished by the end of next week. The children have been so well behaved that it’s made it easier to paint than I expected. When I painted Melody’s children, it took much longer because they weren’t as well behaved. I’m going to my room to rest before dinner, so I’ll see you then.” Kathryn turned, but then she turned back around, gave him a beatific smile, and left the room.
When Kathryn woke up from her nap, she noticed there was a terrible storm raging outside. The wind was blowing so hard that the windows were rattling. She certainly hoped Roderick and Allison had made it back before the storm hit. She splashed some water on her face, then rushed out of her room to make sure they had come home.
She found Jonathan in the drawing room, pacing back and forth. “Jonathan, did Roderick and Allison make it back before this storm hit? It sounds awful out there. The windows in my room were rattling terribly.”
Jonathan stopped pacing for a moment to look up at her, but then started back up again. “No, they haven’t come home yet. I’m hoping that they pulled in somewhere else, and they’re riding out the storm. I’m very worried, but I keep telling myself that Roderick is very skilled. I just hope this storm stops soon, and then I’m going out to look for them.”
The storm raged on for several hours—long after dark. Finally, it stopped at about ten o’clock, but it was too dark and muddy out for Jonathan to go look for them. Kathryn sat up with him, but she eventually fell asleep on the couch. At daybreak, Jonathan gently woke her. “Kathryn, wake up, my dear. We both fell asleep. Since it’s getting light outside, I’m going out to look for Roderick and Allison. Why don’t you go upstairs and sleep for a few hours?”
Kathryn could see the worry in his face. “Jonathan, I’m sure you’ll find them safe. I’ll keep Elaine and the children entertained while you go look for them. Be careful. It’s probably terribly muddy and wet outside. I’ll be praying that you find them safe.”
Jonathan nodded his head and then rushed from the room.
Kathryn went to her room, but she didn’t go to bed. She rang for Sarah and had her prepare her bath. Since she had slept in her clothes, she thought that a bath would help relieve some of the tension she was feeling. She knew that it was dangerous for Roderick and Allison to be out on a yacht in a storm. She hoped that Jonathan was right, and they had taken shelter somewhere else along the coast.
Once Kathryn was dressed, she went downstairs to breakfast but was too nervous to eat. At nine o’clock, she went and checked on Elaine, but she was still asleep. Then she went to the nursery and checked on the children. They had just finished their breakfast, and their governess was starting their lessons, so she didn’t disturb them. She went back downstairs and waited in the drawing room. By this point, she was praying that Roderick and Allison were all right.
Elaine came down for luncheon, but she still looked miserable. “Where is everyone? I haven’t seen either of my brothers today, and I went looking for Allison but couldn’t find her anywhere.”
Kathryn didn’t know what to say, but she knew she had to tell Elaine something, “Jonathan is out looking for Roderick and Allison. They didn’t come home last night. They must have taken shelter from the storm along the coast. Jonathan left early this morning to go look for them. I’m sure they’re fine. Jonathan will send word when he finds them.” Elaine started crying and Kathryn went over, pulled her into her arms and said, “I know that it’s frightening, but I’m sure that Roderick and Allison are fine. The best thing we c
an do for them is pray. Would you like to pray together?”
Elaine nodded her head, and they knelt down and clasped hands. Kathryn bowed her head and began to pray. “Dear Lord, please let Jonathan find Roderick and Allison, and let them be safe. Keep them in your loving arms until Jonathan can find them. Amen.”
Kathryn led Elaine to the couch and sat her down, then sat down beside her and pulled her into her arms. They sat like that for a long time. Exhausted from crying, Elaine fell asleep around three o’clock. Kathryn continued to pray for their safe return, but as each hour went by, it seemed less likely that Jonathan would find them unhurt.
Elaine, still miserable from her nasty cold and exhausted from worry, went to bed at nine o’clock, but she made Kathryn promise to wake her when everyone returned. When Jonathan showed up at ten o’clock, his clothes were disheveled, he looked completely undone, and was so tired he could barely stand.
“Have you heard anything? You look exhausted. I sent Elaine to bed about an hour ago. Poor thing has cried all afternoon, ever since I told her Roderick and Allison were missing.” Kathryn sat on the sofa twisting her hands in fear, but she knew she needed to be brave for Jonathan’s sake.
Jonathan looked at Kathryn with anguished eyes. “I’ve been out all day riding from one coastal village to another, and no one has seen them. I rounded up some of the fishermen in the area, and we’ve been searching everywhere. I’ve left word at all the villages with my directions, so if they hear anything, they’ll know where to contact me.”
“Why don’t you sit down?”
Jonathan sank down on the sofa next to Kathryn, and she reached out for his hand as he said, “We called off the search once it grew too dark to look. Kathryn, I’m so scared that something has happened to them, and I don’t know where else to look. We’re going to start searching again in the morning, just as soon as it gets light enough.”
“Jonathan, have you had anything to eat? Let’s go to the kitchen and find you something, and then you need to get some sleep. Your knee is bothering you terribly, isn’t it? What can I do to help?”
