Christmastide with my Captain

by Tammy Andresen

  “Are ye sure? No one’s kickin’ ye out.” Haggis gave him a sideways stare. “Ye can stay as long as ye like.”

  Jack grimaced, despite himself. He needed to be away from Emilia. It was not his want to kiss females every time he laid eyes on them and he didn’t fancy how out of control he was. The only solution was to leave. “I appreciate that. You’ve been more than kind. But sailors aren’t afraid to get wet. And, as I mentioned, I have family waiting for me. It’s important I arrive soon and I suspect the mast will take a bit to get here and even longer to replace.”

  Haggis pulled out a fresh sheet of parchment and scrolled a note. “Take this to the shipyard in Kirkaldy. They’ll get you what you need. Remis is a friend a’ mine, he’ll help you drag the mast to yer ship.”

  Taking the note, he stood. “Thank you, Haggis. Your help has been above and beyond anything I could have hoped for. I—”

  “Don’t thank me.” Haggis waved his hand. “It’s Emilia who dragged ye out of the ocean. My part is small compared to hers.”

  Jack gave a nod, his insides tightening at her name. He owed her everything, his very life for whatever that was worth.

  Saddling a horse from Haggis’ stable, he thought about how he’d repaid her kindness. He’d gone and bloody hurt her feelings, that’s how. He’d seen it on her face as she’d left, the lines of hurt, the tears just behind the lids.

  How could he make it up to her? He rode along the rutted road to Kirkaldy, rain driving at him, wondering what would explain his actions. He had to leave, he lacked control around her, but before he did, he owed her the truth.

  Bloody bullocks, that was going to be painful. But it must be done. Emilia deserved nothing less.

  Sitting straighter in the saddle, he made his way to Kirkaldy.

  Chapter 4

  Emilia was hiding out. That was the only way to describe it.

  After having both lunch and dinner in her room, however, even she was growing antsy. By breakfast the next morning, she called in a maid to help her dress, determined to go to breakfast. Maybe she wouldn’t even see Jack. She hadn’t yesterday, at least not until she’d made her way to the library.

  Tentatively, she stepped into the dining room to find only her father sitting at the table. “Good morning, Da,” she called. Relief swept through her. Underneath that, however, was a niggle of disappointment that she hadn’t expected. No matter the rejection, part of her yearned to see him.

  “Mornin’,” Haggis bellowed down the table. “Glad ter see ye at a meal, lass.”

  She smiled then. “Da, I’m no substitute for Ainsely or Fiona.”

  Her father gave her a quizzical stare. “No lass, ye’re a sight better company in the mornin’ ye are. Yer sisters are forever gabbin’ on. Drives me near mad at times. But I’ll miss even them when they’re gone. Shoulda had more wee bairns.”

  He continued lamenting the quiet of the house and how it would be a preview to the future, but she’d stopped listening. Her father found her better company than her sisters at times? Oh, she knew she was the more responsible one. The one expected to keep a level head and keep her sisters out of trouble. But more enjoyable?

  Sitting, her father finally stopped talking. “Will Captain Andrews be joining us?” she asked, her eyes cast down toward the table, lest her father see something in her gaze.

  “Nay. Left for Kirkaldy yesterday to fetch a mast. He’s lucky there’s a boat yard so close,” her father said between bites.

  Emilia’s head snapped up. Gone? “Will he be returning?”

  “Aye, I expect by tomorrow or the day after. He’s in a hurry to get movin’. Something about family he needs to visit.”

  Family? Emilia briefly wondered who it might be. But really, it was none of her business. Unless of course it was a wife. She blinked several times at the thought. His comments about how it wasn’t her it was him or how being a captain’s wife was no way to live. Sweet Mary and Joseph was he married?

  She stood, her fists clenching.

  “Aren’t ye gonna eat?” Her father blinked up at her.

  Giving herself a shake, she sat back down. Dutifully, she picked up her fork and put some food in her mouth. She couldn’t taste anything but she chewed nonetheless. When Jack Andrews returned, they were going to have to talk.

  But he didn’t come back that day and he still hadn’t returned in the morning. By the afternoon she’d begun to wonder if her father was wrong and he wasn’t returning at all. He’d likely snuck off in the cowardly move of a man who went around kissing innocent women when he was already wed.

  The rain and wind had stopped at least, and so, unable to stand the inside of the castle any longer, she took herself out to the beach. Most of the sailors were onboard Captain Andrew’s vessel, dismantling rigging.

  She watched them for a time, marveling at their ability to scale up and down the masts of the ship. And apparently, everyone in the castle had been informed he was leaving for a new mast except for her.

  As if she conjured him, a ship appeared from the west. She knew without a doubt that this was the captain returning with his mast. The boat was too close to the shore to not be mooring. A great deal of anger swept away, as though washed by a wave at the thought of seeing him. Why couldn’t she stay angry?

  Her sisters had always loved that about her that she was too softhearted to hurt their feelings or be cross with them, but sometimes she wished she could really hold people accountable. And so as the ship drew nearer and she saw Jack standing in the bow, she did not raise her hand and wave. She stood, shoulders straight. He didn’t have to know that her anger had melted at the sight of his broad shoulders or the clench of his strong jaw.

  The smaller vessel docked next to the The Rose. Jack climbed out and immediately hopped onto his own boat.

  Emilia’s shoulders sagged. Apparently, it didn’t matter that she was pretending to still be angry. He didn’t seem to care. Turning, she decided to collect what was left of her dignity and return to the castle. She had reading to catch up on. In her room.

  With any luck, they’d have the mast fixed in a matter of days and she would never see Jack Andrews again. That would suit her just fine. Her feet were stomping in the sand as she made her way to the stairs.

  “Lady Emilia,” Jack’s voice called behind her.

  She stopped then. Just for a moment, she didn’t turn, trying to decipher how she felt. Was she angry again? Confused? More than anything, she felt rejected. Again. Still looking toward the castle, she replied, “Captain Andrews.”

  “Emilia.” His voice held a touch of something desperate, which confused her enough to make her turn toward him. Then she met his deep blue eyes. “I’ve something I’d like to give you.”

  She took a half step back. “You’ve given me quite enough, thank you.”

  His face spasmed, looking pained. “We need to discuss what I’ve given you and why I stopped—” His words ended abruptly as he looked out over the water. Taking a breath, he handed her a box, wrapped with a ribbon. “I know it isn’t entirely appropriate for me to give you a gift but you did save my life and I wanted to thank you.”

  Holding the box, she found her hands trembled. “What is it?” she whispered, unsure of why she did so. No one was near them. The wind drowned out any noise she made.

  “Open it and see.” He stepped closer blocking some of the wind.

  One of her hands pulled at the colorful fabric she had thought to be a ribbon, its texture silky to the touch. But it came undone and fluttered in the breeze, revealing an intricate scene of a beautiful evening sky filled with reds and oranges, a flock of birds dotting the landscape. “It’s stunning,” she exclaimed.

  “I purchased it in a market in Beijing.” He gave a grin. “I’ve carried it for years, waiting for the right person to give it to.”

  “Thank you, Jack.” She held the fabric close to her face.

  He gave a small laugh. “That is just the wrapping. Open the gift.”

&n
bsp; Opening the lid to the box, she nearly gasped, as her fingers lifted out a silver fox-fur muff. Jack reached for it and slipped it over one of her hands, making it instantly warm. Handing him the box, she put her other hand inside.

  “I must confess that I won that in a game of cards in France. I didn’t know what to do with it until I met you.” He had moved close enough now that he held the box out to her.

  Peeking back inside, she gasped at the sight of a pink opalescent object. Pulling her hands out of the muff, she reached in and lifted the delicate object out of the box. “What is it?” She’d seen many shells along the beach but nothing so intricately designed as this.

  “It’s an apporhaidae. I found it on a beach on a peninsula called Cape Cod in America. It reminds me of you. Delicate in its beauty but deceptively strong.” He had moved closer still so that his breath was fanning across her face.

  As she tipped the shell, a strand of pearls slithered out of its interior, sliding down her hand and onto her arm. “Oh, Jack,” she breathed. “I couldn’t possibly accept all of this.”

  His lips came to her ear, one of his hands lightly grasping her arm. “I thought to give those strands to the woman I asked to marry me. But I want you to have them. Every time they touch your skin, think of me.”

  “The woman you asked to marry you?” she repeated. Because it meant he had yet to ask anyone and he wasn’t married. Which should have been a relief but it also implied that he wouldn’t be asking her.

  When had she decided that she even wanted him to? They’d only shared a few kisses. Emilia was a person who was normally content with what she got, without need for more. But at some point, she had started wanted more from Jack. Wanting forever.

  For just a moment, she let her thoughts drift to the possibility of Jack sitting next to her as her family gathered for Christmastide.

  She set those thoughts aside. He’d made it abundantly clear that wasn’t what he wanted and it was useless to dream. It would only hurt more later.

  He cleared his throat. “I have to go assist with the installation of the mast but I’d like to see you again. Could we take a walk, perhaps, or a ride?”

  “A ride would be lovely.” Hope fluttered in her chest. But she took a breath, tamping it back down.

  “Tomorrow morning then?” He gave her a gentle smile.

  She nodded, “I’ll meet you at the stable by nine.”

  Turning, she began up the stairs, her gifts in hand. Heading straight for her room, she set the box down on the bed and held each item, turning it, touching it, remembering what he had said. It was a thank you gift, nothing more. Handsome men like Jack didn’t fall in love with quiet, bookish girls like her.

  But as she lay on her bed, allowing the pearls to drape across her neck, she allowed herself to dream.

  Chapter 5

  Jack stood at the entrance of the stable and waited for Emilia. The Rose would be ready to sail by tomorrow. This was his last chance to give Emilia the explanation she deserved.

  He saw her walking from the main house toward him and he stood a little straighter. Her green riding habit was the perfect complement to her shimmering blonde hair and luscious curves. Jack took a steadying breath. His explanation would surely be undone if she ended up in his arms.

  “Good morning,” her shy smile made his breath catch and his body tighten. He wanted to unwrap that pretty package and see what was underneath her demure exterior.

  “Good morning,” he returned, holding out his elbow.

  Inside, Creeves had prepared the horses. Smiling a greeting, the man called to him. “Take yer pick, Captain.”

  Jack grabbed the reins of a large brown animal and began leading the beast outside, while Emilia took the reins of a delicate dappled grey. The horse was perfect for her. The groom followed behind with the third.

  Once outside, he hitched his animal and then crossed over to help Emilia onto hers. Grabbing her waist, he lifted her up into the saddle. Her scent assaulted his nose, reminding him of fresh flowers in spring. As he lifted her, he was aware that his hands nearly circled her waist.

  The urge to pull her back down against his body made his teeth clench together. Pulling his hands away, he looked off into the distance, over the ocean. “Where should we ride?”

  “There is a loch a few miles away, if you’d like to go there.” Her eyes scanned his face, looking to see if he approved.

  He couldn’t help himself, he allowed one of his hands to feather down the wool of her riding habit. It was so easy to be with her. She was going to make some man incredibly happy. If only it could be him. “That sounds perfect.”

  He mounted his horse and they began down the path, winding over open ground. Emilia was in front, he was just behind her, Creeves trailing in back of their little group. But soon enough, short stubby trees dotted the landscape and Emilia urged her horse faster. He kept pace and soon they were whipping along the path.

  He could see tendrils of hair, loosening to blow in the wind behind her as she expertly maneuvered her animal. Her skill was impressive and a little unexpected. It also fueled the fire already burning in his veins. He wanted to catch one of those strands and hold it between his fingertips. But instead he rode faster, passing her by as her eyes danced with delight.

  Before he knew it, the view opened in front of him to reveal a near frozen loch nestled between two ridges. “It’s beautiful,” he breathed.

  “It’s far better in summer, but I hope it’s still worth the ride.” She gave him a grin as he swung down from his horse and walked over to help her. “If for no other reason than it will take Creeves several more minutes to get here.”

  Her eyes sparkled with mischief as he placed his hands at her waist to help her down. Her feet touched the ground just as her hands clasped his forearms. He couldn’t resist. Pulling her closer, their bodies lightly touched. “That is worth the ride.” He chuckled but his eyes devoured every line and curve of her face, ending with her lips.

  Without thinking, he found himself leaning in as if to taste her.

  “You said you wanted to speak with me. I thought that might include some privacy.” Her voice was soft but her words were like a swim in the loch. He stepped back, trying to pull himself back under control. Her own eyes held an uncertainty, the hurt from a few days ago still shining in them. She’d stopped him on purpose to protect herself.

  “I wanted to explain why I have kissed you but not asked to court you…” But his words trailed off because he could already see the pain intensifying in her eyes.

  She turned her face away and then stepped around him, moving toward the frozen water. “I don’t need an explanation.”

  “You do,” he insisted, following behind her.

  She shook her head, turning it back to him just enough so he could hear. “I don’t need you to tell me what flaws of mine keep you from wanting to court me. I am painfully aware of them already.”

  He couldn’t stop himself then, seizing her waist, he spun her around and pulled her against his body, his lips crashing down on hers. Her arms snaked around his neck as he opened her mouth and deepened the kiss.

  On and on it went. A desperate need to touch her skin, feel her body against his was about to shred the last of his control. It took every last bit of it to pull his mouth from hers. “Emilia. You are not the reason I can’t court you, it’s me.”

  Her eyes widened. “What does that even mean? Is this because you’re a ship captain?”

  “No, love.” He unwrapped one of his hands from around her waist to trail it down the velvet of her cheek. “I’m not fit to be your husband.”

  She shook her head. “You are a good man. Why wouldn’t you be—”

  “Let me explain.” He took a breath. It was time to tell her the truth. “Emilia, I never met my real father. He could be dead or alive, I’ve no idea. The man who raised me married my mother and gave me his name but it was always known that I was a bastard. He never let me or my mother forget it.”
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br />   “Jack?” Her eyes searched his, surprise lighting them.

  “Much of my childhood, I spent with mother’s brother, my Uncle Kirklan, here in Scotland. As I grew older, Andrews could stand the sight of me less and less.” He looked out over the water.

  “Is that who you are travelling to visit? Your Uncle Kirklan?” Her gentle voice held no disdain, no malice, just kindness. A warmth and sympathy so often lacking in his life. He tightened his grip on her without even realizing it.

  He nodded. “He sent me a letter near a month ago that he needed me at Rosslyn Estate. The letter was quite short without much detail, which worried me more than him requesting my presence.” He ran his hand through his hair. The quiet understanding in her eyes made it so easy to share. He felt himself lightening as he said the words. “I normally wouldn’t have sailed this far north at this time of year if not for his plea. But I couldn’t deny him.”

  “I understand.” She nodded, giving him a look of gentle reassurance. It pierced his heart. Not only did he want this woman desperately, but in this moment, he needed her so much more deeply.

  “If there is anything I can do to help you, please just ask.”

  A lump formed in his throat, as he pushed out the words. “Thank you, Emilia.”

  She took a deep breath. “I care not about who your father is.” Still pressed against him, she leaned up to whisper, “If, after you visit your Uncle Kirklan, you should like to return here, you would be welcome.”

  “Emilia, I—” he started to say more but she shook her head.

  “You don’t have to say anything. Whatever passes between us, I consider you my friend. I will help you in any way I can.” Stepping away, she gave him a tremulous smile. “You’ve a ship to finish repairing. We should get you back.”

  With a nod, he followed her to her horse and then took her waist in his hands to lift her. “Thank you for being so kind and understanding. You’ve made it easier than I ever could have deserved to share myself with you.” Hands still on her waist, as she sat atop her horse, his forehead fell against her thigh. Her hand hesitated for a moment and then stroked though his hair. He knew he shouldn’t touch her like this. She wasn’t for him. She’d belong to some other man. But for just a moment, he wanted to forget that. With his head against the fabric of her dress, her thigh underneath, he wanted to pretend she would be his for always.