The scars of us

by Rachael Tonks

  “Shit,” she whispers, her eyes fixed on mine. “I didn’t want you to stop,” she says playfully.

  “Me either, but we have company, remember?” She drops her head forward, resting it on my shoulder.

  “Shit,” she laughs nervously. “You should totally go.” She lifts her head, giving me a little nudge on the shoulder. “But make sure you come back. I mean it, Brax,” she says with a serious tone. “I won’t lose you now.”

  “Never,” I say, wrapping my arm around her slight waist, pulling her down from the countertop and kissing her. “I’ll be back real soon, okay?”

  Nodding, she follows me over to the door, kissing me deeply before allowing me to leave.

  “I’ll wait up for you.”

  “There’s no need, really. You girls just have fun.”

  “You think I can sleep when God knows what could be going on over at Carter’s?”

  “Okay,” I say with a stifled laugh and a lift of my hand. “You wait for me.”

  “Always,” she says with a tremble. My gaze on her is hard. Isabelle never fails to take my breath away. She doesn’t understand how perfect she is, that the beauty I see goes further under the surface.

  “What?” she asks coyly, stopping me from staring at her.

  “Uh, nothing,” I quickly dismiss, leaning in and kissing her swiftly on the lips and heading out of the door. I know she’ll be waiting for me when I come home. That’s the best fucking feeling I’ve felt in a long time.

  I drive the same way I drive every time I go to Carter’s. I never take the alternate route because that way I’d have to pass the place where I lost Travis. I don’t want to pass that place. Not ever.

  I reach the gates to his place, pressing the buzzer and wait for someone to answer. It’s not often the gates are locked, but today they are.

  “Braxton,” the female voice of the chipper housekeeper booms over the intercom. “Mr. Mellano is expecting you.” She buzzes me in. I watch as they open slowly. Reaching in my pocket, I pull out a cigarette. I flick the lid on my lighter, holding the cigarette to the flame. Everything about smoking is a comfort to me. The smell, the habit, the feeling of having it between my lips. Taking a huge drag, I rest the cigarette in my fingers while I rev the engine just enough to get me through the gates and park outside the entrance to Carter’s. It’s strange being back here. Carter’s is the last place I want to be. Part of me almost feels like I fucking left him and the lifestyle behind the minute Isabelle came back into my life. I dismount my bike, making my way over to the guys standing outside the main door to the house. Giving them a nod, I walk toward them, only to be stopped by their hands on my chest.

  “The fuck,” I grumble, looking between the two guys whose heavy hands are on me.

  “Carter wants us to check that you have no weapons.”

  I laugh hard. Are these guys fucking serious right now? “Of course I got weapons, you pair of fucking pricks. As if I’d walk into a meeting with Carter without protecting myself.”

  “No guns allowed.” The guy on the left pushes against my shoulder. Catching me off guard, I stumble back a little, anger building inside me. These guys know better than this. I’ve known Mattias and Darius for years. They’ve been doing this work for Carter long enough to know they don’t push me. I drop my hand to find the handle of my gun. Grabbing it, I pull it out, pointing it at Mattias. “I go inside with my gun, or I blow out his motherfucking brains. What will it be?”

  Darius’ eyes widen, his head lashes back and forth as he looks between me pointing the gun and a worried-looking Mattias.

  “I ain’t fucking around,” I roar, intensifying my threat. “Three… two…”

  “Okay, okay,” Darius yells over. “Let me call Carter.” The guy fumbles for his phone but I decide I’ve waited long enough. Pulling the trigger, I aim for the floor. Both men yell inaudible words, stumbling back through the door.

  “Didn’t think you’d come quietly, Brax.”

  Carter stands in front of me, arms crossed and chin raised. I sneer at the sheer sight of the smug bastard. “You need new doormen. When challenged, those pussies did jack shit.”

  “You confuse their mixed loyalties with their ability to deal with an intruder. Two different things entirely, Brax. These guys would never pull a gun out on you.”

  “Well, the motherfuckers are lucky I didn’t blow out their goddamn brains.”

  I storm inside, straight past Carter. “I don’t have time for bullshit…”

  Carter cuts me off mid-sentence. “Oh, so what is it you’re so busy doing now? I mean, now that you aren’t running things with me? What exactly is it that is keeping you so busy?”

  “Did you want to talk, Carter, or did you just bring me here to have sly digs?”

  “Let’s talk,” he says calmly, walking toward me. “My office,” he says holding out his hand. I nod, stalking toward his beloved office. Stepping inside, I drop down on the leather chair that practically has my ass print embedded into it I’ve sat here so many times. I watch as he closes the door, resuming his normal position in the seat opposite me. All that is between us is the dark oak table. Internally, I’m raging. I want to tear this motherfucker into tiny pieces for what he’s done to me. He betrayed me.

  “So, Carter. Tell me why I shouldn’t put a bullet, right there.” I use my index finger to point between his eyes.

  “You wouldn’t do that.” He throws his comment back at me so loosely, like he doesn’t believe that I’m capable.

  “You doubt me, Carter? Really?” I say, narrowing my eyes until I’m squinting at him. Holding my glare, I never once break the connection. Carter steps up from the desk. Walking over to the liquor cabinet, he pours two glasses of bourbon, setting one down in front of me. “For old times.” He raises his glass at me, tilting his head offering me a wink. I barrel out of my chair, swiping my arm across the desk, sending the glass and its contents flying across the room.

  “Old times,” I roar, my face only inches from his. “You snitched, you rat fuck. Even when what happened was to protect one of you, the holier-than-thou fucking Mellanos,” I seethe, spit flying from my mouth. “Why did you really call me, Carter? Were you checking to see if your plan worked? To see if the Savages had finished me off?”

  “How’s it working out for you now? You know, the whole threesome scenario? Is Izzy happy to share you with Tara since my beloved cousin jumped ship?” He holds his hands together in front of him, his tone oozing sarcasm. “I don’t know why Tara is bothered about you since you used her and dropped her like a lead balloon as soon as Izzy came back on the scene.”

  “It was you,” I yell back. “You wanted me to move on. You set the whole Tara thing up.”

  “Hmmm, you’re right.” He drops back down in his seat, pulling one leg over the other as he glares up at me with a smug look on his face.

  “Listen, I’m walking away from you, Carter. You and the business. I’m going my own way. I suggest you do the same!”

  “It’s not really that easy, is it?”

  “It’s that fucking simple,” I reply, dropping back into the seat and pulling my leg up, whipping out the knife I have hidden. Reaching over, I grab Carter’s hand, holding it steady on the table, my knife hovering over it. He fights it, but he’s simply not strong enough to fight the hold I have on him. “One. Wrong. Move.” My words are a warning, and I can’t help the satisfaction that seeps through me at the fear I see in his eyes.

  “You wouldn’t dare,” he replies, his voice wavering, but his eyes never leaving the knife I have gripped tightly in my hand.

  “Oh really.” I use my thumb to spin the knife in my hand before plowing it down toward his shaking hand, planting it between his index and middle finger, nicking his skin, causing him to bleed a little. Letting out a yelp, he tugs harder to try to break my hold, but it’s no use. “I want my life back, Carter. No more threats. No causing trouble. You do you, and I’ll do me. This is your only warning.”

&nb
sp; “You don’t get to call the shots. You’re not irreplaceable, Brax. You think I can’t find some other weak, fucked-up scumbag needing a brother figure?” I pull the knife from the table, holding my arm at full stretch as I point it toward his neck.

  “All this time it was a pretense, huh?”

  “Get out.” His voice wavers.

  “I think I’ll leave when I’m good and ready. See, one on one, you’re nothing but a fucking pussy. Anyone can hide behind paid lunatics, but you, Carter, you’re weak. You hide behind people who are paid to protect you, but when the money runs out, who will protect you then?”

  “I’ll always make money. That’s what I’m good at. But you forget one simple little detail, don’t you? Don’t you remember who killed those three guys torturing you and your friend? It was me, Brax. I fucking did that. Me,” he roars, slamming his thumb against his chest, but I don’t flinch. I hold the point of the knife at his neck, my hand calm and steady.

  “Yeah, I remember,” I say nodding my head a little, my lips pressed together as I agree with him somewhat. “But you used that against me, every damn day. Even now! After all this time. You screwed me over when I needed your help the most, Carter. I can’t even begin to understand why. Why someone I considered family would drop all support and refuse to help me. Then, not only do you refuse help, but you put pressure on the men I had lined up to help me. And, as if that wasn’t bad enough, you purposely contact the Savages, telling them what happened with their man the night Tara was raped.”

  “You just couldn’t do things my way…”

  “Stop,” I yell, cutting him off. “So, you’re telling me this is all a big power trip? Because that seriously doesn’t fly with me. And let’s be clear on one point, shall we?” I thrust my arm forward a little, applying more pressure to the knife in my hand, watching as he winces away from the tip of my blade. “The only reason I haven’t already killed you is because of our history. But it all stops here. Now.”

  “Fine,” he says, tilting his head back, trying to relieve the pressure.

  “I mean it,” I say through gritted teeth. “No more games.”

  “Leave the money and get out,” he instructs.

  I can’t help the laugh that blurts out. “Really? The money?”

  “You owe me that money, Brax.”

  “I don’t owe you a fucking dime, man. But you know what? You have your three million because I have plenty more where that came from.”

  “So I heard,” he grumbles. “Drop the knife, man.” His eyes focus on my hand, then flick back toward my eyes. “Please.”

  I can’t help the smile that creeps across my face. Carter fucking Mellano said please. Can’t quite remember the last time he said please for anything. Slowly, I lower the knife, nodding before I slide the knife back in the holder. I don’t say anything to him, I just head out of the office, down the hall and out of the door. Walking over to the bike, I open the saddle bag, pulling out the case with the money in it. I take the few steps back over to the entrance, thrusting the case toward Mattias and Darius.

  They both scramble for the case, fumbling to pick it up from the ground. A sense of relief washes through me as I make my way back to my bike. Hoping he heeds my warning, my mind swims with thoughts of Carter. I slide my leg over the bike, mounting it and pushing the key in the ignition. I start the engine and rev it noisily. My heart pounds and I don’t know whether it’s knowing that this is the end of our relationship, business or otherwise, but it feels weird. Years of working with him has come to an end.

  Total finality.

  Finally getting the text I’d been waiting for, I watch as Tara leaves on the back of Nate’s motorcycle before locking the door and racing upstairs. Listening to how she is clearly falling for the guy reminds me why I love Brax so much. Why I’ve always loved him. He’s my best friend. My soulmate. The one who fought for me when no one else did. The one who never gave up on me.

  I enter the bedroom, pulling out the bag full of treats I have lined up for tonight. I’m not the most confident person, but tonight, I want to give my all to Brax. Every broken piece of me is his to own. I line the windowsill with the scented tea lights, placing the larger ones either side of our bed. I flick my thumb over and over the wheel of the lighter, praying the damn thing will start. Brax will be here any minute and I want this place to look perfect.

  “Dammit,” I growl, shaking the damn thing in my hand, before trying it again. Finally, the flame lights and I race to light each and every one I have set out. I feel the metal wheel getting hotter the longer I hold onto it and drop it down, sucking my thumb the second I have it all done. I grab the bag of clothes, racing into the bathroom to change. Glancing up at myself I see something that resembles the old me staring back. Tara did a great job with my hair and makeup. It's natural, yet accentuates my best features. My strong cheekbones, my bright blue eyes. But behind the mask of beauty is something messed up. The thoughts that race through my mind, the memories I so desperately fight to block out. When I look hard at myself, at my body, all I see is ugly. I’m the devil’s plaything, how could anyone possibly find that attractive? But somehow, Brax looks past the scars, past the fact that I lost my virginity to a man desperate to ruin me.

  Tonight, I’m determined to not be that girl. Just for tonight I want to lose myself in Brax. Allow him to break down the mental wall I’ve built around myself. I scowl at the ugly-looking skin on my shoulder, the one where he scribed his initials into my skin. I hate it. I hate looking at it. Sometimes I forget it’s there until I catch a glimpse and my stomach rolls. I shake my head, pushing all the bad thoughts out and try to concentrate on the good. I’m alive, more than can be said for Alvrez’s other victims.

  Slipping out of my clothes, I reach in the bag, sliding on the lacy cream chemise we got from this boutique underwear store. As I secure the straps, my hands tremble and I look at myself, almost dying a little inside. Who am I kidding? I can’t do this. The sound of buzzing catches my attention. I head out of the bathroom and across to the table where I left the cell phone that Brax bought for me a few days ago. Swiping the button across I hold the phone to my ear.

  “Hey,” I answer, sighing noisily.

  “Girl, what’s wrong?” Tara asks.

  “I can’t do this. I feel so stupid. I look like some kind of desperate whore… I just can’t,” I say, heading back over to the bed and falling flat on my back. “This was such a bad idea. Stupid.”

  “Don’t you dare,” she warns, her voice higher than I’ve heard before. “You are gorgeous, girl. Just don’t let what happened get into your head. He loves you. You’re stunning, you just gotta own it.”

  “I’m just me,” I say, fighting back the tears. “I don’t do sexy.”

  “You don’t have to ‘do’ anything. You’re sexy without even trying.”

  “Oh, God, don’t,” I groan, my hand covering my eyes as I fight the fire I feel flaming my cheeks.

  “Girl, believe me, you got this. Now go enjoy. I know I will.” She giggles before blowing a kiss down the receiver and ending the call. I drop the phone on the bed beside me.

  “Wow.” His words rumble from his chest and I sit bolt upright, startled by his presence.

  “Shit, Brax. You scared me to death,” I say, my hand placed firmly against my chest as I try to steady my racing heartbeat. He leans against the frame of the door, his eyes never leaving mine. His eyes are on me. Hard. I can barely cope with the intensity as he glares at me. But I savor the moment. The self-doubt had eaten away at my core so much that him standing and admiring me is almost the reassurance I needed.

  “So, you, um, wanna join me?” I ask, already embarrassed by the words that I struggle to force out of my mouth.

  “You did all this for me?” he asks with a smirk.

  “Of course,” I said, sitting up a little and tapping the bed beside me. Just looking at him and the hooded look in his eyes tells me he wants this as much as I do. Slowly he walks towards me, re
moving his clothes until the only thing he’s wearing are boxers. He climbs on all fours slowly making his way over me. Dropping backwards, I look up at the only man who has ever meant anything to me, and right now, I need to make love to him, feel him inside me. Before I know it, his hands have my arms secured above my head and his erection presses deep into my core.

  “I love you so much,” I choke out as my eyes connect with his; my heart hammering so hard it’s all I can hear. He sighs, one that is mixed with lust and pure desire. My body is desperate to feel him touch me. For the first time in days I feel alive. Like every nerve ending I have is on high alert and there is only one man that makes me feel that way. Dipping his head, his eyes flutter shut as he presses his lips against mine. My body ignites as a throaty groan escapes Brax, his hands work up my thigh and beneath the material of the thin lacy chemise.

  “Baby, I want to fucking devour you. But I’m scared…” He speaks against my lips and I hear a vulnerability in his voice.

  “Why?” I ask, sinking inside, thinking more than ever that this was a bad idea.

  “Because I want you so bad, baby. I’m scared that I will hurt you, because I know once I’ve had a taste I won’t be able to stop. I need to know you really want this.” He thrusts into me a little, the pressure building painfully between my legs.

  “More than anything,” I whisper, the need in my voice is clear.

  And that was all it took. Brax dips his head, kissing me—an all-encompassing kiss. And with his kiss he owns me. Mind, body, and soul. He isn’t just kissing my mouth, he’s claiming me as his, and I’m letting him. Because that’s exactly how it should be between us. His kisses move to my neck, his hands find my breasts as he cups them and kneads them, flicking his thumb over and over my erect nipples. I gasp out in pure pleasure, lifting my hips as I’m desperate to feel more of him. All of him.