Vivienne's Guilt

by Heather M. Orgeron

“No, this is different...I don’t know. I don’t know. I just woke up and...oh God.” She twists her hands up in the sheets, moaning and rocking through the pain. “Reid...it hurts so bad,” she sobs.

  Reaching over to the nightstand for her cell phone, I rub her back and try to sooth her with my words. “It’s going to be okay. I-I’m going to get you to a hospital, Viv. Everything’s going to be okay.” I don’t know which one of us I’m trying to convince more, and I hope that she doesn’t recognize the panic in my voice. I call for an ambulance, and while waiting send Tillie to put on some dry clothes...anything to get her out of this room. Cradling Vivienne in my arms, I wipe sweat-soaked hair from her face and try to keep her calm with whispered words of assurance. The coppery smell is nauseating. There is just so much blood.

  Everything from there happens in a blur. The EMTs arrive and place Vivienne on a stretcher. Tillie starts screaming for her mother—blood-curdling screams. I’m sure after witnessing her father leave in an ambulance and then never come home this is really traumatic for her. Seeing Tillie so upset only causes Viv to cry harder, and with all of the chaos, I barely understand anything the medics are saying.

  They’re taking her to Memorial, so I grab Matilda, Viv’s cell, and keys on my way out of the door. I put her in her car seat and try to calm her down. This is so out of my comfort zone. I don’t know how to ease Tillie’s fears or how to handle the gamut of emotions I am feeling.

  On the way to the hospital, I call Cassie from Vivienne’s phone and pray that she leaves her ringer on at night. It’s close to 3 A.M., and I know Viv would want her there. Also, she’ll know how to handle Tillie.

  On the third ring, Cassie answers. “Hello?”

  Thank you, Jesus!

  “Cassie, hey, it’s Reid. I’m on my way to Memorial with Tillie. The ambulance just took Vivienne. She was in a lot of pain, and there was so much blood...Tillie is freaking out. Can you come to the hospital?” The words pour out of my mouth, and I hope that I’m making sense because my thoughts are all over the place.

  I hear Cassie moving around in her house and the absolute fear in her voice. “Oh my God, not Viv...Reid, what happened? What do you mean she’s bleeding? Oh my God, of course I’m coming...Tell Tillie I’m coming.”

  “I honestly have no fucking clue what happened. Tillie came to the pool house to get me, and I found Viv keeled over in her bed, full of blood. I called the ambulance, but everything was so hectic. It all happened so fast. All I know is that they’re on their way to Memorial, and we’re right behind them. Tillie is so upset. I don’t know what to do, Cassie.”

  I pull the phone away from my ear and look over my shoulder at Tillie. “It’s okay, baby girl. Aunt Cassie’s on her way, too, okay? Everything’s going to be okay.” She nods her little head at me, but the tears keep coming. I can’t get the image of Viv covered in blood out of my head...I hate seeing Tillie so upset. I just want to fucking punch something. I don’t know where I find the strength to keep myself together, but in order to spare Tillie this pain, I would do anything.

  She has to be okay.

  I hear Cassie begin talking again and press the phone back to my ear. “I’m getting in my car now. I’ll be there in a few minutes. Thanks for calling me, Reid,” she says as she ends the call. White knuckled and consumed with fear, I try to focus on the sound of the rain pelting down on the windshield to distract myself from Dimples crying in the back seat.

  I’m pacing in front of the information desk of the emergency room when Cassie comes bursting through the glass doors. Thank God for small miracles. She rushes over to me and pulls Tillie from my arms. Immediately, I feel immense relief. I don’t want to mess that kid up more.

  Swaying back and forth with Tillie wrapped around her neck, Cassie asks about Vivienne, and I have nothing. I tell her that they rushed her back and said they would come and let us know when they knew something, but no one has come back out yet.

  It’s at this exact moment that I realize just how much this woman has come to mean to me. I’m in love with her. I didn’t mean for it to happen, and I know it’s not right. It’s fucking sick, but I need her like I need air. She’s beautiful, so beautiful, and it’s so much more than a physical attraction. Vivienne’s beauty exists in the way she loves that little girl. It’s in the spattering of freckles that dot her cheeks. The delicate heart that lies broken in her chest. It’s in the way she aches for Abbott and how she loves with her entire being. She makes me better—makes me want more. I didn’t realize how much was missing from my life before I met Vivienne, but now that I have, I can’t let her go. I know she’s just lost her husband, and that now is not the right time, but she’ll make it through this, and someday...when the timing is right, I’m going to make this girl mine.

  After almost an hour of pacing, a doctor comes through the double doors and asks for the family. Cassie and I walk over. “She’s stable,” Dr. Monroe says, “but she’s lost a lot of blood and will need to remain here for a few days. I’ll let her explain to you what’s going on herself. Only one of you may see her at a time.”

  Cassie starts to pass Tillie back to me when the doctor interrupts. “She’s asking for Reid.”

  The look of hurt and betrayal that crosses Cassie’s face is brief, but I see it. At this moment, all I care about is getting to Vivienne and finding out what’s going on with her.

  I lightly rap my knuckles on her hospital room door, and she calls out for me to come in. Her voice is weak...she sounds so small. When I step through the doors and see her looking so frail and helpless in that hospital bed, I want to run to her, to hold her and protect her, but she is not mine, and I don’t have that right.

  Vivienne looks up at me with watery eyes, and she says my name like a prayer. “Reid...” There is so much emotion, so much pain in those eyes...in her voice.

  I walk over on shaky legs and stand at her bedside. “They said you were asking for me?” I ask while she fidgets with the hospital bracelet on her wrist.

  She responds with a slow nod of her head and tears streaming down her beautiful face. To see her like this...in so much pain makes me feel sick to my stomach.

  “Reid, I have to...ummm.... to ask you something...and I don’t really know how to ask it.” Her shoulders begin to shake as she chews on her bottom lip nervously.

  I move closer. “Don’t be afraid of me, Viv. You can ask me anything.”

  Another nod.

  I hand her a wad of tissue, and she dries her tears, but it’s pointless. They just keep falling.

  “What is it, Viv?” I ask, rubbing my sweaty palms on my jeans.

  I watch her suck in a long breath and blow it out slowly. My heart begins to race. “Okay...Did we.... umm,” she says, wringing her hands. “Well, did you and I...?” Viv motions between the two of us. “You know? Did we sleep together?” She whispers the end of that question like she’s deathly afraid that someone might overhear, and it pisses me the fuck off.

  I can feel the temperature of my blood rising as the heat begins to radiate from my face. My pulse hammers in my ears and my entire body tenses...veins pulsing with rage. I don’t care how irrational it is, how wrong what we did was...to be her dirty little secret after just realizing how much I care for her hurts. I drop her hands like they’re on fire and step back, scrutinizing her with a murderous glare.

  “Are you fucking serious right now?” I roar, my jaw plummeting in disbelief. “Did we sleep together?” I sneer as I shake my head in disgust. “Like I’m supposed to believe you don’t remember?” My hand rises to my chest, and a snide smirk moves across my face. I lean in close, digging my fists into the mattress on either side of her body. “Is this really how you’re going to play this, Viv? Like you weren’t fucking there...begging me to fuck you?” I grit out through clenched teeth, our noses nearly touching.

  Vivienne’s breath hitches...her bottom lip trembling wildly. But her pitiful state does nothing to slow my anger. “To make it all go away,” I continue. �
��To make you feel good...Are you seriously playing this game? Huh?” I shout, causing her to jump back. I can feel my heart breaking into a million fucking pieces. Who knew heartbreak was a tangible thing? “Why? Why are you doing this, Vivienne?” I ask with a lump lodged in my throat.

  Viv’s eyes widen...her head rapidly whipping from side to side. “No...Reid, we didn’t...How could I not remember? I-I...No! I wouldn’t do that. I-I wouldn’t do that to Abbott.” She lets out a wail, and her body convulses with the force of the sobs that follow. “Oh God. Oh God, what have I done?” She raises her fingertips to her quivering lips. “I’m so sorry, Abbott. God, I’m so...sorry.” She slinks back into the bed, covering her face and crying into her pillow. It’s as if I’m no longer in the room. Like she didn’t just rip my heart from my fucking chest and stomp on it repeatedly.

  Abbott...? I’m fucking fuming. “What the hell’s going on, Vivienne? What does the two of us having sex have to do with why we’re here?” I ask, ripping the pillow away so that she has no choice but to look at me. “And we did have sex. Consensual sex,” I add, glaring at her.

  Viv’s cries are agonizing to hear and even more so to watch. They are gut-wrenching. She sounds like a wounded animal, but where she is wounded, I am rabid. I need to hear her say it...to confirm what I already know to be true.

  She can’t...or won’t look me in the eyes. Staring down into her lap she whispers, “I had a...a miscarriage. I thought it was Abbott...You. I thought that you were Abbott. The dream, it was so real.” Realization dawns on her. “Oh God, it wasn’t a dream. It was you.” She lets out a wail, and I don’t even have it in me to fucking care about her feelings right now.

  I reach out, lifting her tear drenched chin, forcing her eyes to meet mine. “You...” I spit out with disgust. “I don’t know what you’re playing at right now. You make me sick. While I was falling in love with you, you were fucking a ghost. You used me, Vivienne. You fucking used me to feel close to him, and you broke me. Do you hear me? Don’t say his fucking name. Don’t you dare call out for another man while my baby spills from your body. This,” I say, pointing to her stomach, “this moment doesn’t belong to him. This is mine. That baby was mine!” I shout furiously, feeling warm tears run down my cheeks. In a fit of pure rage, I swing my arm, flinging the little table and all of its contents into the wall. I have never experienced pain like this in all of my life. Her complete disregard for my feelings is a fucking bullet to the chest. How can I both love and hate her with the same breath? Two opposite feelings felt with such intensity that it literally feels like my heart is being ripped in two.

  Vivienne cowers and at least has the decency to look remorseful. “Oh, Reid. What have I done? What have I done to you? I’m so sorry. I...I didn’t know.”

  At that moment, Cassie comes rushing in with Tillie still asleep, cradled in her arms. She must have been waiting near the door and heard the commotion. So much the better because I do not need to be alone with her right now. “What the hell are you doing?” she whisper-hisses. “Viv is in the hospital, and you’re in here yelling at her? What’s wrong with you?”

  I clench my jaw, looking between the two of them, and I know that I need to leave. I can’t trust myself not to go crazy. I won’t hurt Tillie by carrying on in front of her. Viv may deserve my wrath, but that baby doesn’t. “Your friend,” I say glancing over to Vivienne, who is curled into the fetal position, crying pitifully, “is what’s wrong with me. I can’t be here right now.”

  Cassie could not be more confused or angry. She looks ready to murder me for hurting her friend. If she only knew...“Why is she crying like that? What did you do, Reid?”

  I shake my head with a cynical laugh. “Ask your friend. I’m gone.” I pull Vivienne’s keys and phone out of my pockets, set them down on the counter, and then storm out without giving either of them a backward glance.

  Vivienne

  They say that guilt will eat you alive if you let it, and I never knew how very true those words were. Like an incurable cancer, it grows and festers inside of you. It has destroyed my self-worth and tainted my life with misery. All of the good memories that I once shared with Abbott are no longer. When you’ve betrayed your dead spouse, there is no way to atone for it. There’s no way to beg and plead for their forgiveness. I’m drowning in this guilt, and the only person with the ability to absolve me of it is buried in the ground, two miles down the road.

  My once perfect life has spiraled so far out of control so quickly. I just want to know how to dull the ache. How to make the most of this hand I’ve been dealt. I need to find a way to forgive myself for what I’ve done. I can’t be whole carrying this weight. I can’t be the mother that my daughter deserves. It pains me more than anything to admit that I’ve failed my baby.

  I haven’t seen Reid since he stormed out of my hospital room three days ago. I don’t blame him. I can only hope that what he said wasn’t true. That he hasn’t wasted his love on someone as fucked up as I am. Reid is a great guy, and I know that he has a lot to offer the special girl in his life, whoever she may be. Unfortunately for him, that girl can’t be me. That piece of my heart was buried along with my husband, and I have nothing left to give.

  There are moments in life that you can’t ever forget. They are the ones that define us. Moments that we don’t only experience but change who we are as a person. From that moment forward, who you were five minutes ago no longer exists. And this person I’ve become, this mess he left behind, she’s an empty shell of the woman I used to be, and I know in my heart that I will never get that girl back. I don’t know how to navigate this new life, and I don’t think I like the new me.

  My heart grows heavier with every piece of clothing that I add to my suitcase. I’ve agreed to enter a treatment facility at Cassie’s and Dr. Benson’s request. After the hell I’ve put Cassie through and all that she’s done for me, I owe her this much. I owe Tillie this much. They’ve promised to visit me every day, but I’ve never spent the night away from Tillie, and the anxiety is almost too much to bear. As much as it hurts, I know that I need to do this. I need help finding a way to deal with Abbott’s death and to forgive myself for the mistakes that I’ve made in the aftermath. I have to find a way to live with these life-altering moments that have left me drowning. I’m in desperate need of a lifeline, and I pray the damage I’ve done isn’t beyond repair.

  I wish that I could go back in time to when my heart was merely empty; I’d take the emptiness any day over this heart of guilt.

  Reid

  For two weeks, I have been living in my own personal hell. As pissed as I am at Vivienne, and believe me I have never been so fucking mad in my life, I can’t stop my heart from loving her. No matter how much I don’t want to, I still care. I need to know that she is okay...that Tillie is okay, but my stubborn pride won’t allow me to do anything but wallow in my misery. I’m a prisoner of my own mind...bound by hurt and anger.

  After leaving Vivienne at the hospital, I went straight to her house to pack my things and then checked into a hotel near the university. My dorm was ready after only a few days, so I wasn’t displaced for very long.

  Since then, I’ve kept myself busy with football practices during the day and partying with my teammates on Bourbon St. every night. I’ve been drinking myself stupid and not enjoying any of it. I just need to do something to pass the time. This past summer spent with Vivienne and Tillie changed me. Before, I couldn’t wait to get out here, to live it up. Now, what I want more than anything is to cuddle on the couch with the girls—my girls—watching stupid Disney movies and eating popcorn.

  I haven’t been able to bring myself to call or go to the lake house to check on Vivienne. I’m still reeling from the shock of everything that went down. Most of all, I can’t believe that she had the nerve to put everything that happened between us on my shoulders. She “didn’t know”. What a fucking cop out.

  I’ve never had my heart broken before, and honestly, I wasn’t sure th
at it was even possible. But, now I see...I see how women can get men to act like fucking pussies because I miss her, and I miss Tillie. I miss them so much that it’s crippling, and it makes no fucking sense to me. How can I miss something that was never really mine?

  I walk into the coffee house on campus, and when the doorbell chimes, I get a tight feeling in my chest. I glance around the almost empty café until I find Cassie waiting in a secluded corner booth. She waves me over, pointing at the two cups on the table in front of her, and then watches me with a nervous smile as I weave my way between the tables and chairs.

  After weeks of avoiding her calls and messages, I finally agreed to see her. I can’t go on not knowing any longer. It’s tearing me up inside.

  When I reach the table, Cassie stands and instantly wraps me in a welcoming hug. I’m a little shocked. It’s no secret that I’m not exactly her favorite person. “Hey,” I say, returning her embrace. It’s incredible how good it feels to be comforted by this woman, who as far as I could tell barely tolerated me all summer. “Everything okay?”

  She looks up at me and her eyes glaze over when she answers, “No...No, Reid. Nothing’s okay...but it will be.” Even run down and broken, she has this fierce look of determination, and I don’t doubt her for even a moment.

  Right away, I notice how exhausted she is. She appears to have aged ten years in the two weeks since I’ve seen her last, and it begins to eat away at my resolve. “Is Tillie okay? How’s Viv? Do you girls need anything?”

  “Reid, Vivienne is in the hospital...” she says, sliding into her seat.

  “What...still?” I jerk back in surprise. “It’s been two weeks. Did she have complications from the miscarriage?” My stomach knots up with guilt. “Is she okay?” I’m such an asshole for not making sure she was all right before pulling my shit.

  She flattens her lips into a straight line as she shakes her head. “Not that kind of hospital, Reid,” she says, pulling me down into my seat. “Sit down, please. You’re causing a scene.” Cassie looks around as I reluctantly lower myself into the booth across from her. “She’s in a psychiatric hospital,” Cassie whispers, and I don’t know who she thinks might overhear her. No one knows us here. “Viv is having a lot of trouble accepting...well” —she eyes me nervously— “everything that happened.”