Vivienne's Guilt

by Heather M. Orgeron

  By everything, she means me. All the blood rushes to my head, making me dizzy, and I feel the tips of my ears begin to throb. Just the mention of what happened between Viv and I brings back all the hurt and anger I’ve felt over the past two weeks.

  “Reid...just let me finish before you get upset, please. Just...just let me explain.” There is desperation in her voice, a pleading in her haggard eyes. A look of absolute defeat moves across her face, and I know that I need to hear her out. No matter how much this hurts or how much it pisses me off, Cassie needs to say whatever it is that she came here to say.

  I glance down, realizing that my hands are balled into tight fists, so I unclench them then open and close my fingers a few times to help release some of the tension. Then, I shove them under the table and nod. “Go on. I’m sorry.”

  She smiles at me sympathetically before breathing out a sigh of relief. “Well, uh...after you left and she filled me in, I just couldn’t understand how she could get pregnant without ever realizing it. I could tell that she truly believed what she was saying. Reid, I know her. She would have never slept with another man so soon after Abbott’s death. Honestly, I’m not sure that she ever will. I know it’s hard for you to hear, but you didn’t know them together...as a couple. You didn’t see the way they lit up in each other’s presence. It was magic. It made you feel good just to breathe their air.”

  I flinch and gnaw on the inside of my cheek. It’s not easy listening to her go on about the two of them and their epic love. It hurts, and for a moment, I start to hate him. When did I get so possessive of Vivienne? When did I begin to think of her as mine and not his? How have I managed to turn my dead uncle into the bad guy?

  “Hey,” Cassie says, reaching across the table and cupping her hand on my cheek tenderly. “It’s okay. I’m sorry. I got a little carried away.”

  I clear my throat. “No, it’s okay. I, ugh...I kind of got lost in my own head there for a minute. Go ahead.”

  “Okay. Well, when she finished explaining about the miscarriage and how she knew that it could not be Abbott’s baby...that only left you. You’re the only man she’s really been around since his death...Viv told me about the dream, of what she thought was a dream, and it still wasn’t adding up. I couldn’t understand how she could’ve actually mistaken you for Abbott and dismissed it as a dream.”

  I scoff, “Yeah, I’m a little confused about that myself.”

  “I know you are. That’s why I needed to see you...to explain. Vivienne finally broke down and told me that she’s been taking pills. They’re prescription pills for her anxiety, but she wasn’t supposed to be drinking while taking them. She also confessed to taking a lot more than she should have.”

  “I knew she took some medication, but I had no idea that she had a problem,” I interrupt. Vomit rises in my throat. I’m nauseous because I was with her every single day. I should have noticed. I could’ve helped her. “Is Tillie okay? Is she with you?” I look around. “Where is she now? I can move back to the house and stay with her until Vivienne’s home. We can get a babysitter while I’m at classes or something...”

  Cassie reaches out her hand and covers mine. “No, Reid. That’s not why I asked you here. We’re fine. I’m staying at the house with Tillie and put her in a preschool near my job during the day. We’re making it.”

  I should feel relieved, but I just feel lost and alone. I want to be needed. I want my family back.

  “Reid, I need you to do something for me.”

  Finally. “Okay, sure. Whatever you need, Cassie.”

  She swallows. “Reid, I need you to stay away from Vivienne....”

  I shake my head. She came here to ask me to leave them alone...I can’t. I can’t lose them.

  “Let me explain, Reid,” she rushes out. “Vivienne really does not remember sleeping with you. The medication she was taking when mixed with alcohol...it causes memory loss. All of those nights that we had a few drinks and Viv seemed way too drunk...she wasn’t drinking before we started...She was on those pills. When she added the alcohol, it screwed with her head. You look so much like him, Reid. She convinced herself that you were Abbott. She wasn’t using you. Vivienne never meant to hurt you. She honestly believed that you were him.”

  Finally, the reality of what she’s saying hits me. How could this all be completely one sided? How could I love her so fucking much...and she feel nothing?

  “She’s so messed up right now, Reid,” Cassie says while tears pour from her eyes. “Viv feels like she cheated on Abbott. I don’t know if she will ever come back from this, but I know that seeing you would not be good for her. She needs to find a way to forgive herself. She hurt you, Reid, and I am so sorry. Vivienne is sorrier than you will ever know. She’s making herself sick with guilt. I’m begging you to let this go. Let her go. Let her heal and try to move past this.”

  “I love them, Cassie. I know that you think I’m just some stupid kid with a crush, but I love them.”

  She nods. “I know, Reid. I believe that you really do love her because she’s impossible not to love.”

  I feel what’s left of my heart crumble to dust because I know that this is it. “You’ll let me know if y’all need anything?” It’s a reach, and I know it.

  Cassie shakes her head. “We won’t. Reid, go to school. Play football. Fall in love. Fall in love with someone who’s capable of loving you in return. You deserve that, and nothing would make Viv happier than to know that you’ve moved on and found happiness—that she hasn’t completely destroyed your life.”

  “You’re asking too much...How do you two think this is going to work out? We’re family, or have you forgotten that part?”

  “I’ve already spoken to your parents.”

  She what? I feel the color drain from my face.

  Cassie rolls her eyes and smirks. “I didn’t tell them about the two of you or the baby. God, I’m not crazy, Reid.”

  I breathe out a sigh. “What exactly did you tell them?” I’ve been avoiding Dad’s calls, not in the mood to hear whatever it was he was calling to nag me about. Now I know, and I’m glad that I chose not to answer.

  “I told them that she’s in the hospital, and I explained that while she loves you all very much, it’s just too difficult to be around you.”

  I flatten my lips and nod. “And what did Dad say?”

  “First, he made sure that you hadn’t done anything to upset her, and I assured him that it was nothing any of you did. That the resemblance you all bear is unreal and just having the face of her dead husband around was too much. He understood...I think. Told me to be sure to call if we ever needed anything.”

  I can’t believe that I won’t ever see them again. It doesn’t seem like a long time...only a summer, but in the space of that summer, everything has changed. Somehow these girls have infiltrated my heart, and I know it won’t be easy to eradicate them. Slowly, I begin to nod my head because that’s all I can manage without breaking.

  “Thank you, Reid,” she says, reaching across to squeeze my hand. “I’m sorry,” she adds, chewing on her lip. “I’m sorry about the baby and that you got hurt.” Cassie dabs at her tears and continues. “I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you, too. I was...I was jealous. Viv is all I have, and I couldn’t stand to see her leaning on you instead of me. I was wrong, and I’m...I’m just sorry.”

  My eyes burn, and I fight back tears, refusing to let her see me cry. “Thank you,” I rasp out. I give her hand a squeeze as I slide myself from the booth, clearing my throat. “Cassie, I have to go,” I murmur.

  She stands, blocking my exit, and wraps her skinny arms around my neck. When I enfold her in my arms, Cassie completely falls apart, so I stay for a while longer and give her the only thing I can: understanding. I hold her and allow her to release all of her pain and frustration.

  When she’s through, I pull back and look her in the eyes. “Take care of them, Cassie.” I feel a warm tear sneak down my cheek and swat it away.

&nbs
p; She nods, sniffling, “Always, Reid.”

  “And take care of you, too,” I stress. “You can’t do it all.”

  She shakes her head as the tears start up again. “I’m...I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”

  “You are not fine, Cassie. You need a break. Call Viv’s mom...a friend...call me,” I beg, but I know that I’m the last person she would call. “You need to eat, and you need time for yourself. You’re no good to Viv and Tillie if you’re gone.”

  I leave Cassie at her car with a tear-filled goodbye. I know that this is the last I will see of her and that Vivienne and Tillie will soon be just a memory.

  Vivienne

  I pull up to the wrought iron gates of Magnolia Cemetery and place the car in park, taking a moment to look around. I notice how much everything has changed already. I haven’t been here since the day that we put Abbott into the ground almost four months ago, and the place is nearly unrecognizable.

  Death is all around me; the leaves are rotting and withering away. The once green vines now brown twigs entangled around the fence posts. They mock me. I feel as if those posts are my life, and the breath is being squeezed right out of my lungs.

  How fitting.

  I know that I need to get out of this car, but I can’t seem to pry my body from the seat. I don’t want this. I don’t want to have to visit my husband in a graveyard. I don’t want to only be able to see him in photographs...to have cement and dirt between us. I don’t want to do this because then it becomes real. Then this becomes normal and I. Don’t. Want. This.

  Panic rises in my throat and I swallow it down with deep calming breaths. Just like the doctors taught me.

  I step out of the car and place my feet on the muddy ground. The gate squeaks loudly as I pull it open, and I jump up in fright when it slams shut behind me. My heart races in my chest and the leaves crunch beneath my shoes as I make my way through the seemingly endless rows of headstones. All of these sounds echo in the eerie quiet. The sound of my own heartbeat loudest of all.

  It’s like a death march ringing in my ears, getting louder and louder the closer I get to my destination. Blinded by tears, I fall to my knees, fighting for each and every breath. “Oh, Abbott,” I cry out as I drag myself through the dank sludge to his grave.

  I drape my body across his tomb, resting my cheek on the cold cement. I’m as close as I will ever be to touching him again, and I have never felt more alone in my entire life.

  The wind begins to pick up speed, whipping my hair into a wild, tangled mess as the dark clouds continue to roll in. My body begins to shake uncontrollably.

  I lie there for minutes? Hours? Time simply stands still. I just need to feel close to him. God, I would give anything to spend one more minute in his arms

  Thunder rumbles in the distance and still I can’t move.

  “Abbott,” I whisper hoarsely, my face pressed into the hard surface. “Abbott, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, baby...Forgive me...Oh, God, please forgive me, Abbott.” I can barely breathe with the force of my sobs. The grief, the guilt, the sadness all culminate into a gaping wound. I’m cut open, raw and bleeding out.

  Closing my eyes, I rub my fingers lightly over the course surface beneath my face, and I hope that he can sense my presence. That he can feel my love. “I miss you,” I cry. “I miss you so much. I don’t know what to do.... I’m so lonely, baby.”

  Gripping the edge of the stone and squeezing my eyes shut tight, I try to regain some semblance of control. I cry. I cry until my eyes burn so hot that I’m sure there will be permanent damage to my retinas. I cry until I can no longer find air to fill my aching lungs. I cry until it is physically impossible to cry anymore.

  “Abbott,” I croak. “Please forgive me...There’s only you. It’s only ever been you. Forever.”

  That’s when the rain finally begins to fall, and the sky takes over, bathing us in her tears. It’s a violent storm reminiscent of the one brewing in my heart. Still, I don’t move. I’m not afraid. I live with this devastation inside of me every single day. As strange as it may seem, I feel comforted. Like Mother Nature herself is showing her displeasure over a loss so great. She rages on, expressing her devastation. Lightning strikes and leaves and branches are tossed around in the wind. I stay through it all, soaking in every last drop. When the clouds are all cried out and begin to move away, they leave behind the most magnificent rainbow I’ve ever seen.

  Even the most violent of storms can leave something beautiful in their wake. A sign. A smile spreads across my face. This is Abbott’s way of telling me that it’s okay to enjoy the rainbow.

  It’s his forgiveness.

  It’s my salvation.

  Vivienne

  I run through a mental list of what I will need to prepare Cassie’s surprise birthday dinner. Shivering through a chill from the coolers, I add eggs and butter to my basket. I can’t wait to see her face when she walks in tonight and sees what we’ve done. She’s going to flip!

  As I round the corner into the next aisle, I slam right into another basket. Mortified, I look up to apologize, and all of the air leaves my body. I can’t find words. I can barely hold myself upright. I brace myself on the basket and just stare.

  “Vivienne?” His voice is so much older now. So much more mature. So much like his. He’s filled out...grown up, and he still looks so much like my dead husband that it knocks the sense right out of me. “Wow, Aunt Viv. It’s been so long,” he says with a genuine smile.

  I’m relieved that he’s able to smile when he sees me, but then I remember that he doesn’t know the whole story...and that if he did, he would most definitely not be smiling at me this way.

  My heart races as I force a smile. “Reid. Wow. Look at you all grown up.”

  He walks right up to me and wraps me in his arms. “You look great,” he whispers, rubbing my back.

  My body trembles as I hug him back, breathing in his manly scent. His arms feel like home, and for the first time in a very long time, I allow myself to miss this man. This man who at one time meant so much to me...who helped me through one of the darkest times in my life. I forget how badly I’ve hurt him and all of the reasons that I should wrap up this reunion as quickly as possible.

  A delicate cough catches my attention, and I see a beautiful brunette standing to the side of Reid’s basket with a baby cradled in her arms. She smiles at me warmly.

  I smile back, realizing that this must be Reid’s family. “Reid, would you like to introduce us?”

  “Of course.” He moves away and reaches out to the woman. “Vivienne, this is my wife, Julia. Julia,” he says, waving his hand at me, “this is my Aunt Vivienne. She was married to my Uncle Abbott,” he explains.

  I reach out to shake her hand, and with her free arm, she embraces me around the neck. “Sorry, I’m a hugger,” she offers with a shrug. “It’s so nice to meet you.”

  My eyes fill with tears when I look down at the beautiful baby in her arms. “A girl...Reid, what’s her name?”

  The pride in his face when he introduces me to his daughter is everything. It’s affirmation that I did the right thing. This is what I prayed for. He deserves this happiness. “This is Amelia,” he says, smiling down at her with such tenderness that my heart skips a beat. “Amelia Rose Parker.”

  “She’s perfect. Congratulations to you both.”

  “Thank you,” they both reply in unison. They are a striking couple. The love between them is palpable. Reid has found his person, and I could not be happier.

  “How are you, Viv? I’ve thought about you a lot over the years. How’s Tillie? ” Reid asks, and before I have a chance to respond, Tillie rounds the corner with AJ following closely behind.

  “Reid?” Tillie asks, narrowing her eyes in uncertainty.

  “Hey, Princess.” He stares at her in awe, no doubt trying to absorb all of the ways that she’s changed over the years.

  “Oh my God!” she screams, lunging at him.

  “Dimples, I can’t believe h
ow much you’ve grown,” he says, enveloping her in his arms. Tears of joy are shared amid whispered words of affection, and then I see it. The moment the color drains from Reid’s face.

  “Who’s that, Mommy?” AJ asks, tugging on the hem of my shirt. “Who’s that man?”

  It’s one of those moments where time stops. Where no one moves nor dares to breathe...Reid looks at me quizzically, taking in the little boy with brown hair and freckles and piercing blue eyes, and I know that he knows. I can see him mentally calculating.

  “Mommy?” More tugging.

  “Yeah, baby?” I ask, forgetting the question.

  “Who is that man wif Sissy?” AJ asks again.

  My heart begins to pound in my head. This is it. The moment I have dreaded. The moment I wished would never come.

  With vomit rising in my throat, I answer my son. “This is your cousin...Reid.”

  “I have a man cousin?”

  “Yes,” I answer simply. I look over to Reid and mouth the words I’m so sorry. And yet again, they do nothing to reveal the true depth of what I feel.

  Hurt, betrayal, confusion, and contempt flash across Reid’s face. No one else notices, but I see it all. I feel it all because I am the cause of it all.

  Reid sets Tillie back on her feet and forces a smile for our son. “AJ, huh? That’s a cool name,” he says, shooting me a look.

  We communicate in discreet looks and glances, and I can feel the heat coming from Reid. I wish that he could yell at me. That he could get it all out. That I could apologize and explain, but surrounded by our families, by our children, is not the time. This was not the way he should have found out. He never should have found out.