Unspoken Rules

by Lora Inak

  ‘Because you haven’t had sex yet?’ His mouth moved to her chin.

  Why was he being such a prick? Couldn’t he see she didn’t want to talk about this?

  ‘No.’ She untangled herself from his embrace. ‘I mean, I don’t know. I never even said it was about sex.’ She stuttered that last word, her face suddenly hot.

  He paused. ‘Are you anti-sex before marriage?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’m not pressuring you.’ He laid his hand over hers. ‘I’m just curious. Is it a cultural thing?’

  His comment cut a bit too close to the bone, and suddenly she found she was desperate to leave. She stood and grabbed her school bag. ‘I’d better get home. I’ve got tonnes of homework to do.’

  He sprang to his feet and blocked her way. ‘Why won’t you tell me? Do you think I won’t get it? Every time I ask you something personal, you shut it down or distract me, or tell me part of the story. Why do you do that?’

  Her breath caught. She twisted her hands together, avoiding his eyes. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

  He shook his head, his eyes wide. ‘Seriously, you’re going to pretend I’m imagining it all.’

  Why was he pushing her for more than she was willing to give? To share? Maybe it would be easier to simply end things between them. End the complications and the lies. It was all getting out of control anyway. And exactly where was this going? Nowhere. There just wasn’t anywhere it could go. She’d end up hurting him; getting hurt herself. Her parents would find out and then—who knows what they’d do. And no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t shake the feeling that she was heading towards a disaster. One she’d never be able to turn back from.

  ‘Chris, maybe we should … I don’t know ...’

  Chris stepped back. ‘What? You’d rather break up with me than just tell me about your family, or why you and Kate had a falling out, or what you’re actually doing every Sunday morning when you’re doing “family stuff”?’ He tensed his shoulders. ‘Are you a serial killer, or do you live a double life?’

  A double life! No, one life broken into two parts.

  ‘Maybe I just don’t mean anything to you?’ his voice trembled.

  ‘How can you say that?’ she bit back. After all the risks she’d taken for him! The lies she’d told.

  ‘Yeah, well, what else am I supposed to think? You don’t tell me anything, remember?’

  ‘If you meant nothing to me, then why would I be here right now?’ She heard the quiver in her voice and was annoyed at herself.

  ‘I’m trying to figure it out.’

  She took a long breath to calm her thundering heart. ‘Chris, this is who I am,’ she began, reluctantly plucking the words from her heart. ‘If you can’t accept me, then …’

  ‘Then what?’

  Was he pushing her to say the words out loud? Is that what he wanted? Why couldn’t she bring herself to just say it then? Have it over and done with. ‘Can you just leave things alone?’

  ‘I can’t. I’ve tried.’ His arms hung by his sides.

  ‘Why?’ Why couldn’t he just be happy with things the way they were?

  He lowered his shoulders, his eyes square with hers. ‘Because I think I’m falling for you.’

  Chapter 16

  ‘You ran away! How old are you anyway?’ Katelyn tsked at her like an unhappy parent.

  ‘I didn’t run away. I just left quickly. Besides, I pretty much made it clear I’m not great at sharing my feelings, and he drops this bomb on me. I wasn’t expecting it.’

  ‘Yeah, fine … but did you have to run away?’

  Natalie sighed, flopping on her back and gazing up at the sky. ‘I’m not sure why I left like that. I know it was a stupid thing to do. I’d take it back if I could.’

  ‘Then go over, say sorry and take it back. He’s right over there.’

  Natalie knew exactly where Chris was, but she wasn’t prepared to cut across the oval, and a game of football, to tell him she was sorry.

  ‘And while you’re at it,’ Katelyn continued, ‘go over and fess up about the formal. Tell him you can’t go. You’re not being fair to him, Nats.’

  Katelyn was right. She wasn’t being fair. She should confess and give him the chance to ask someone else. Except, she didn’t want him to go with anyone else. She wanted him to go with her.

  ‘I just need time to think about it, okay. Besides, he hasn’t called me or messaged me since.’

  Katelyn leaned back onto her hands. ‘I wouldn’t call you, either. You can be a real shit.’

  ‘I guess I deserve that.’ Natalie sat up and plucked a blade of grass. She ran it along her leg, enjoying the light tickling sensation. It reminded her of the way Chris tickled her with a strand of her own hair. The thought put a lump in her throat.

  ‘Why won’t you tell him a bit about your family anyway? I don’t get it. You tell me everything,’ Katelyn said.

  Because he wouldn’t understand, or because he would, and then what? Would he want to be a part of her life? Meet her family? Come to her church and learn to speak Arabic? It just couldn’t happen. Her parents would never allow it.

  ‘Look, I’m just not ready to. I didn’t tell you everything straight away, either. And it’s different with you. You’re my friend.’

  ‘And he’s your boyfriend?’ Katelyn cocked her head.

  Natalie shook her head. ‘We’ve never called each other boyfriend or girlfriend. We’re just friends. Or … we were friends.’

  Katelyn puckered her lips and leaned in. ‘Do you make out with all your friends? Why haven’t I seen any benefits from this?’

  ‘Ha ha, Kate. You’re being an idiot.’

  ‘No,’ Katelyn fired back. ‘You’re being the idiot. I’ll tell you exactly why you don’t want to tell him about your family. You’re afraid he won’t accept you, or that he’ll freak out or something. And despite what you keep saying about this “thing” between you going nowhere, secretly you want it to go somewhere, but at the same time, it scares you that it might.’

  Natalie’s jaw dropped. Was she that transparent?

  ‘So, can I ask you a personal question?’ Katelyn crossed her ankles and continued. ‘Are you falling for him?’

  Natalie knew that was coming, but she didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t a simple yes or no, because she wasn’t sure.

  ‘I don’t know. I always have this weird nervousness whenever I’m around him. But that could just be lust, right? How do you know if you love someone?’

  Katelyn shrugged. ‘I guess you just know.’

  She turned to watch Chris kick a goal and then tumble over when his teammates jumped on his back.

  Was it just lust? Or was it more? She just didn’t know. She’d never loved anyone in a romantic way before. She loved being with him. She loved it when they were wrapped around each other. She loved his skin, his eyes, his body, his voice, the way he laughed, the way he teased her. But was she in love with him? Everything was spinning out of control.

  ***

  She flicked through a dated copy of New Idea with Tom Cruise on the cover. It was the third magazine she’d been through. Should she go for a walk? What if Misha came out of the consulting room while she was gone?

  She sighed, put the magazine down and checked her messages. Nothing from Chris. She wasn’t surprised. She still felt sick to think of it, even a week later.

  Now, thanks to Misha’s pigheadedness, their parents thought they were out shopping for chocolate Easter eggs. It would be sus when they got back empty-handed. But Misha insisted she didn’t want to worry Mama and Baba when there was nothing wrong with her. Misha’s behaviour didn’t gel. But maybe it was just Misha changing—not being such a drama queen anymore.

  The door to the consulting room opened and Misha walked out with the Ophthalmologi
st. ‘I want you to go see Dr Chandran and tell him everything you’ve told me,’ he instructed, handing her a piece of paper. ‘We need to make sure your temporary blindness isn’t a symptom of something else.’

  In the car on the way back home, Misha’s shoulders were arched. ‘He said there’s nothing wrong with my eyes, but he wants me to go to this GP and tell him about the pins and needles. It’s a waste of time. Pins and needles are just pins and needles.’

  ‘What did he mean by “a symptom of something else”?’

  Misha swallowed. ‘Dunno. He didn’t say.’

  ‘I’m sure he’s just being overly cautious. Don’t worry about it, okay?’

  ‘Yeah. Whatever. I’m not gonna stress.’ She quickly wiped her eyes.

  ‘Could you ask Azeem? He’d know about this stuff.’

  Misha’s head snapped around. ‘No way, and don’t ever mention it again.’

  ‘Jesus. Okay. Settle down. At least tell Mama and Baba. They might be able to help.’

  ‘Drop it, Natalie, you’re pissing me off.’ Misha’s knuckles were white on the steering wheel.

  When they got home, Misha ran straight to her room and shut the door firmly behind her.

  ‘Natalie?’ Mama called from the kitchen.

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Are you back?’

  ‘Obviously, yes.’

  ‘Don’t be rude. Come here for a minute. I have something to ask you.’ The way she said ‘I have something to ask you’ stiffened the muscles in Natalie’s back.

  Mama was carefully lowering eggs into a saucepan full of red liquid. ‘How were the shops?’

  ‘Okay.’ She hoped she wouldn’t be asked any details. She and Misha hadn’t thought to get their stories straight.

  ‘You had a visitor today.’ Mama looked up from the saucepan.

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘A boy.’

  SHIT!

  ‘He asked me to give you that letter.’ She turned her head towards the dining table.

  It must be Chris. Who else would it be? How did he even know where she lived? Katelyn! Damn it. Breathe, Natalie. Breathe.

  An envelope with her name on it lay there. ‘Oh, okay.’ She kept her face straight, but inside her stomach turned to liquid.

  ‘Is this boy your friend?’ Mama asked, her voice light.

  Did Mama know? Had she guessed? Surely Chris wouldn’t have said anything.

  ‘Um. Yes.’ There was no point in lying. He’d left an envelope with her name on it. ‘We’re working on a group assignment together … with others. I mean, other kids in the group as well,’ she explained, cursing herself for not playing it cool. ‘I’d say it’s probably study notes.’

  ‘Mmm hmm. As long as he’s just a friend.’

  ‘Yes. I know the rules.’ She knew she sounded defensive. She couldn’t help it.

  ‘Good. Good.’ Her mother paused. ‘You know, before your baba, there was a boy I liked very much. In the old town.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes. He was so kind and handsome and sweet, but very poor. Of course, my baba didn’t approve, so they matched me with Selim. At first, I was angry … but then I saw Selim was a good man too. Kind and sweet as well.’

  ‘What happened to the boy?’

  Mama shook her head. ‘I don’t know. Sometimes I still think about him. Wonder where he lives, if he married; what my life might have been with him. He used to paint too. He even painted a picture of me once, but my baba tore it up. To this day, I still can’t forgive him for that, Allah rest his soul.’

  Her mother had loved another boy before Baba! Was that the boy in Mama’s painting? Natalie’s head spun.

  ‘Now, are you going to help me dye these eggs for Easter?’ Mama lowered another egg into the saucepan, turned on the gas and put the lid on.

  In the Syrian Orthodox culture, Easter meant food, noise, family, church. Easter for them started a week before with lent. No meat, no dairy, no alcohol. A sacrifice in celebration of Christ’s sacrifice for mankind.

  Easter Sunday began with an early morning mass, followed by a banquet with all the relatives. After the feast left everyone clutching their bellies, they’d each choose a dyed egg, and the annual egg cracking competition began. The trick was to hold the egg tightly in your hand, exposing only the very top—that left a small area of shell vulnerable to the competitor eggs. One person would hold their egg still while the other bashed it with theirs. The game symbolised Jesus breaking from his tomb and the winner would be assured of good luck for the rest of that year. Baba had a talent for winning, but one year, Natalie’s egg survived against all the others. She was ten years old and on cloud nine.

  ‘Yes. Of course I’ll help.’ Natalie eyed the letter. ‘I’ll just go upstairs and get changed first.’

  She casually picked up the envelope and took her time trudging upstairs. It was hard to play it cool when her insides were gyrating.

  In her room, with the door closed, she took a long shuddering breath. A letter! This could only be bad, right? Who even wrote letters anymore? There was nothing on the back, and only her name scribbled on the front. It was still sealed, so thankfully Mama respected her privacy.

  No point delaying the inevitable. She tore open the envelope and pulled out a folded piece of paper.

  Natalie,

  I didn’t mean to freak you out, it kind of just blurted out of my mouth. I knew you weren’t ready to hear it and I’m sorry.

  I know I’ve been pressuring you to tell me stuff about your family. I shouldn’t have done that … and I get it. You’ll share when you’re ready.

  Can we be friends again?

  Chris

  Chapter 17

  As soon as the school bell rang, her heart raced to her throat. She made her way to the locker room where she found Katelyn, ready to head home.

  ‘Meet me afterwards and tell me how it goes.’ She nodded towards the door as Chris walked in. ‘And again, just so you don’t hold a life-long grudge against me, I gave him your address thinking he was gonna mail the letter. Not visit personally.’

  Natalie gave her a friendly push. ‘Okay. That’s cool. I’m not going to hold a grudge. Just go. Otherwise I’m going to lose my nerve.’

  She stood by her locker and watched Katelyn leave, waving Maddie and Gemma out the door too. Part of her wanted to follow them out, the other part was determined to stay and make good.

  Chris stopped beside her. ‘Hey.’

  ‘Hi.’ After the monologue she’d practised at home, that’s all that came out of her mouth. Not even a lame joke.

  ‘Can I get to my locker?’

  She moved aside, wondering if this was such a great idea. Was she about to be shot down? She could bail, but she’d already come too far to turn back now.

  He took noticeably longer to pull his bag out and gather his stuff. She took courage from it.

  ‘I got your letter,’ she finally said.

  He nodded, his back to her.

  ‘Thanks for writing it, and you know, delivering it to me.’ God, she sounded mentally challenged. Why couldn’t she be cool?

  ‘Sure. Your mum seems nice.’ He turned to her; standing so close she felt that familiar pull.

  She took a deep breath. ‘Listen, I think sometimes I react badly. I shouldn’t have left like that. It was a childish thing to do.’

  He pursed his lips. ‘Yeah, it kinda was.’

  ‘That’s just me I guess. I’ll grow up eventually.’ She smiled, hoping he’d smile to.

  He did.

  ‘Yeah, I’m beginning to see that.’ He took her hand. ‘Does that mean we’re friends again?’

  Her heart raced in her chest. ‘Yes. Friends.’

  ***

  Later that afternoon, she met Katelyn on the school netball courts.

&nbs
p; ‘So, how did it go?’ Katelyn asked.

  ‘Pretty good. We’re friends again.’

  Katelyn cocked her head. ‘Friends? Really?’

  Natalie shrugged. ‘Any news about Isaac?’ She aimed for the ring and missed the shot.

  ‘Nothing you don’t already know. He’s been given the all clear. No permanent spinal damage, and his leg and hip will get back to normal after physio. He won’t be running any marathons, but we’re all pretty relieved he came out of it as well as he did. Stupid kid. He’ll think twice about riding along a major road again. Dad’s confiscated his bicycle until he can prove he’s sensible enough to use it.’

  ‘When is he coming home?’ Natalie aimed and missed again.

  ‘In a couple of days.’ Katelyn caught the rebound and shot a goal. ‘Ka-ching.’

  ‘No fair, you’ve been playing netball since primary school, and I don’t even play.’

  ‘So join the team.’

  ‘Hmm. I’ll think about it in a couple of months after mid-year prac exams.’

  ‘God, don’t remind me. I’m totally stressing out.’

  ‘Have you decided what uni course you’re applying for?’

  Katelyn shot a goal from the outer part of the ring and scored. ‘I’m thinking I’ll go into Public Relations. Sounds fun and I might get to meet celebrities. Are you still applying to J School?’

  ‘I don’t know. I want to, but my parents … and … you know.’

  ‘Chris, right?’

  She wasn’t going to give that any air. ‘Maybe I’ll apply for a course at one of the local universities like you suggested.’

  ‘Didn’t you tell me that the best course is the one at J School?’ Katelyn threw the ball to Natalie.

  Natalie dropped the ball and scurried after it. ‘Yes. It is the best one. I don’t know. It’s all so complicated now.’

  ‘You mean, now that it’s not just your parents standing in the way?’

  Katelyn wasn’t going to let up. ‘Jesus, Kate, when you put it like that, it sounds like I’m giving up all my dreams and ambitions for a boy.’

  Katelyn held up her hands defensively. ‘I didn’t say anything. You drew your own conclusions, but now that you mention it, isn’t that what you’re kinda doing? And for a boy you call “a friend”.’