Sociopath?

by Vicki Williams

Rafe - I saw Mrs Fielding at the Fashion Boutique. She told me, they’ve sold Bay Front and will be moving to Florida at the first of the year. She said to tell you she still has what you gave her and she wishes you well. I didn’t even know you ever knew Mrs. Fielding? What did you give her? We had to take Raven to the vet. He cut his paw and it got infected. I think he’s going to be as happy to see you as I am. He’s sort of droopy since you left. Me too. Lane

  *

  Lane - Are you sure Raven’s all right? Watch him close, okay? He’s almost 12. It would break my heart if anything happened to him. I just know Alexis Fielding from the boats. I don’t remember ever giving her anything. Maybe she has me mixed up with someone else. I’m looking forward to Christmas break too. I’ll be glad to get away from here for a while. R

  *

  Rafe - I can’t quite imagine anyone mixing you up with anyone else! Raven’s fine. Would it break your heart if something happened to me too? It’s boring around here. Let’s see, there’s some family stuff. Wyatt and Belen are going to have a baby in February. Mariel is going to have a baby in April. They already know its going to be a girl. Jocey and Edgar are going to have a baby in May. How’s that for expanding the Vincennes family? Jeff got a really good part in a Broadway play (can’t remember the name of it) and he and Denis are all thrilled about that. That’s all I know. I’m counting the days ‘til you get home - 22 more! I love you, Laney

  *

  Lane - Christ, I hope this baby stuff isn’t catching! Yes, Honey, it would break my heart if something happened to you too, almost as much as if it was Raven. Just kidding! Gotta’ leave for class. It’s 3 days since your last letter so we’re down to 19 days. Rafe

  * *

  Rafe was lying in bed thinking his father was oh, so right. He hated being in a room with people, often noisy people, above and below and on every side of him. It made him feel like a drone bee in a beehive.

  He looked around his tiny room. It was like an oasis of austerity compared to most of the rooms around it. Books were stacked on the desk, largest on the bottom, smallest on top. The rest of the desktop was bare except for his laptop and a container of pens and pencils. There was nothing posted on any wall except a calendar with his schedule printed neatly on the squares. The only furniture was the bed, a dresser and a small bookcase of books. He didn’t have a t.v., a refrigerator or a microwave like so many of the other students had brought. There were no sacks of chips or boxes of cookies or candy bars. Rafe wasn’t a snacker. The only drinks were a couple bottles of water and he could drink water warm as easily as cold. When he left in the morning, his bed was always made. Dirty clothes were in a laundry sack and clean ones were hung up. There was never an item of clothing just flung onto the floor or over the back of a chair (well, except maybe when he had a girl with him and they were in a hurry to get in bed).

  At times, he got claustrophobic. Sometimes when he felt that way, he got out and walked until he found an empty place without anyone around. Sometimes, he took the bus or even a taxi to where the Corvette was garaged and drove (fast!) until he felt like he could cope again. He’d found a lonely cemetery fairly near his dorm and he frequently took his textbooks there to study where he could concentrate in peace.

  Thank God, women were so thick on the ground at Princeton because it meant he never had to spend a night alone unless he just wanted to. If he had someone with him in bed, it helped him not to focus on the press of humanity so much. On the other hand, girls were people too and that meant making the effort to please them. Sometimes, he just wasn’t up for that effort.

  Rafe never felt a need to confide, not ever, not in anyone, not even Laney. He had never had a best friend or even any friend, really. He had no desire to tell anyone his innermost thoughts. (He grinned a little thinking most people would probably be shocked if they knew some of his innermost thoughts). It’s not that he couldn’t have had friends. He’d hung out with a crowd at high school, as he was beginning to do here, and he was friendly to everyone. He joked around with people in the cafeteria and in the gym and standing outside waiting to go into the building and walking down the halls to class. Lots of people would have liked to be on closer terms with him, both boys and girls, but when classes ended, he never invited anyone to go with him wherever he was going. In Benedict, he’d never asked other kids out to the boat and he never had them all up to the cabin for a cook-out as his brothers and sisters had, and it was the same here.

  He knew he had charisma, whatever that actually meant, because he’d been told often enough, and he knew how to use it when it was in his best interest, but he thought charisma was a mixed blessing. It seemed to him that everyone wanted more from him than he had to give. Girls, for sure, always wanted more (even Lane, maybe even especially Lane although he didn’t mind it so much from her), but guys were just as bad. The more he moved away, the closer they seemed to want to come toward him. Even teachers were that way. He’d aced Digby’s test and now he felt the old prof’s eyes on him every time he entered the room. By doing what he did, he’d brought himself to Digby’s attention and he sensed that because he was good at it, Digby wanted him to love Math like the old man himself did. But he didn’t. He didn’t care one way or another. It was just another subject. His honors English teacher, Judith Lentz, in high school had been the same. His photographic memory allowed him to memorize almost as much poetry as she knew but that didn’t mean he gave a shit about Alfred fucking Lord Tennyson.

  So it seemed to Rafe that he always had to keep people at arm’s length to protect himself or they’d nibble him to death, all wanting a little piece of him until there was nothing left. He knew a lot about how people acted and how to manipulate them, but that didn’t mean he understood how they thought. For instance, he would have been surprised to know how often he was the subject of discussion by staff and students alike.

  *

  “I talked to his Dad,” Gil told the others who were attending a small party at his house. “He’s never even told his family about his grades or his baseball record or how he’s doing in football. That just doesn’t seem normal, does it? Most kids wouldn’t be able to wait to share those kinds of achievements.”

  “It’s the same in football,” Coach said, “he’s really kind of spectacular, especially for a freshman, but he doesn’t seem the least bit impressed with himself. It’s like I give him a job to do and he just goes in and does it. Oh, he might give the audience a quick smile and a bit of a strut when he makes a touchdown, almost like that’s expected of him too, but I’ve never coached a kid who was less of a glory hound than Rafe Vincennes. Even when he does especially well, he doesn’t seem to get any pleasure out of reliving his triumph. In fact, I get the impression he’s bored sitting through the after-game reviews. You know, like ‘it’s over, so let’s forget it and move on’.

  “Well, I’m not so sure it’s that way with girls. I think he’s totally aware of how much sex appeal he has and how to use it to get what he wants and what he wants seems to be to see how many notches he can have on his belt by the time he leaves Princeton.” Ms. Barnes taught a course in Women’s Studies. She was a militant feminist.

  “But, Helene, that’s not exactly what we’re talking about. He may sleep around a lot but do you think he talks about it? Do you think he shares his experiences with all the other guys? Do you think he brags about his conquests to anyone?”

  “Well, no, Gil,” she had to admit. “I’ve never heard that about him.”

  “If I had to describe the most unique characteristic of Rafe Vincennes, I’d say it’s how little he seems to need other people. I told his father that as far as I know, he’s never joined a single organization. Do you think we’ve ever had any student who didn’t join anything or hang out with anyone before? His Dad called him a lone wolf and I think that’s just what he is.”

  “I wonder if he’ll be able to hack

  it here for four years.”

  “Oh, trust me. I know Renny Vincennes. If he te
lls Rafe to stand it, he’ll damn well stand it. But, having said that, I’m not sure he’s going to enjoy it much.”

  *

  He’d gotten the Corvette and picked her up. She hoped lots of people were watching her get in the car with him. She tried to peek around to see. He’d just told her flat out.

  “I’m going for a drive in my car. I’m going to drive fast. When I’m tired of driving, I’m going to a hotel to get away from here for a night. (Hotels didn’t bother him because every room was self-contained, not all connected like the dorm). I want to have a woman with me. Are you interested?”

  Not very romantic but he wasn’t in a romantic mood. Just, “here’s the offer, take it or leave it.” He’d felt her looking at him in class. He was pretty sure she’d take it and she did.

  They drove for a couple hours, at speeds well over 100. The longer it went, the more excited she got. He didn’t say much, just drove the car but every now and then, he looked over at her, a white smile flashing across his brown face, a smile that made her feel all melty inside. She watched his strong hand controlling the steering wheel, the long jean-clad legs stretched out toward the pedals, the strand of black hair falling into dark eyes that were framed by long black lashes. Occasionally, he gave her shoulder a light squeeze or let his hand rest on her thigh to let her know he was aware of her presence.

  Finally, he started slowing down and she could feel him beginning to relax, as if he’d expended some kind of tension that needed to be released. Soon, he drove under the overhang of a Hilton hotel. He went in to register, then came back and pulled around to the side, leading her to their room.

  The door was barely shut, when he drew her to him, kissing her as he unbuttoned her blouse and her jeans. They didn’t finally fall asleep until the early morning hours. She was thinking she’d never even known there were so many ways a man could make a woman come. He was thinking speed and sex were the only two things that would get him through the next few years.

  When he dropped her off, she asked if he would call her again and he said, “maybe.”

  If Rafe wasn’t one to talk about his sexual exploits, that didn’t mean that other people didn’t do it for him.

  “If he ever asks you to go, do it. It might be a one-night stand but it will be the best one-night stand of your life.”

  *

  It got to be a kind of status symbol among a certain group of women to have been one of Rafe’s Riders. So far as anyone knew, no one ever got asked to go twice.

  ~ ~ ~

  CHAPTER 5

  He would be home tomorrow! Oh, Lord, she couldn’t wait to see him! Hurry, hurry, hurry, time, hurry up and pass!

  And then it was the next day and she heard the Corvette in the driveway and she went flying out the back door to meet him as he came out of the garage. Throwing her arms around his neck, she said, “I’ve never been so glad to see anyone in my whole life. Oh, God, Rafe, I’ve missed you!”

  His arms were almost as tight around her waist as hers were around his neck. “I’ve missed you too, Honey. “

  “Mom and Dad went to New York Christmas shopping. They won’t be back until tomorrow. “

  They both stopped just inside the kitchen door. Her arms went back around his neck. He bent his head to kiss her, running his hand inside her blouse, cupping her breast. She pressed herself as tight against as she could get and felt him respond.

  “I was going to ask if you wanted talk first or sex first but I guess I know the answer,” he murmured in her ear.

  “I want to feel you beside me, Rafe, more than anything.”

  A few hours later. “Jesus, Lane, you’ve got to give me a break. I’ve done everything I know how to do. I’m exhausted and I’m fucking starved too. Let’s get up and go downstairs for a while. Make me something to eat while I go see Raven.

  “It’s just so good to have you home, Rafe.”

  “I know, Sweetie, it’s good to be home. But I’m going to be here for 2 weeks. There’ll be plenty of time.”

  She fixed him hamburgers and hash browns on the stove grill.

  “Was Raven ecstatic to see you?”

  He grinned. “Not as ecstatic as you but pretty ecstatic. Now sit down here, Laney, and tell me what you wanted to talk to me about while I eat.”

  “Okay, just let me start at the beginning and go through it and then you can tell me what you think.”

  He nodded. “Okay.”

  “First, you know the Farewell dance was the first date I had with Cal. Since then we’ve been out several times. Cal’s a great guy and I really like him a lot. I know I couldn’t find another boyfriend who is as caring and thoughtful as he is. And plus he’s handsome and funny and fun to be with. And I think he likes me really a lot, Rafe.”

  “That all sounds good, Laney.”

  “I did go get the pills, like you said, just in case, but nothing has happened like that, not like, you know, all the way. But I have let him touch me above and below, even under my clothes. But, Rafe, nothing happens, absolutely nothing happens. And, see, the thing is, if it hadn’t been for you, I might not even know the difference but I know what it supposed to be like and it isn’t like that. I’m so confused, Rafe, because I don’t want to hurt his feelings and make him think, you know, that he’s not okay but I don’t want to be one of those girls that pretends either. So, I don’t know what to do.”

  “Maybe you’re just nervous, Lane. You’re comfortable with me. It might that with someone new you just can’t relax enough to let it happen, at least, not yet. Maybe you need to give it a little more time.”

  She sighed. “Well, I guess I can try and see if it works but I think that might not be it, Rafe, I think it might just be that I love you and I can’t love anybody else. Do you think that’s possible?”

  “Lane, there are two answers I can give you: the easy one and the hard one.”

  “Tell me the easy one first.”

  “The easy one is what I’ve told you. If it hadn’t been for me, you’d just be a typical 15-year-old barely venturing in sexual relations. I doubt if most girls get much pleasure out of their first experiences, just like back with Misty that time. Most young males aren’t great lovers, both partners are nervous. That scenario isn’t conducive to satisfying sex. Our relationship is an aberration. It’s so separate that it’s in a category by itself so, in reality, you’re still that 15-year-old just starting out as if what is between us never happened. If that’s the case, it’s just a matter of time until your problem solves itself.”

  “So, then what’s the hard answer, Rafe?”

  His dark eyes looked into her blues ones. “That’s the one you laid out, Lane, and it may be the right one. Don’t take this wrong, but you remind me of Raven, not that I’m comparing you to a dog, but in the way that you’re both dead loyal. I think if I ever gave Raven away to anyone else, he’d never bond with them. He’d just wait for me to come back and get him no matter how long it took. I think maybe you’re that way too, Honey. I could say that if I’d known, back when I was 9 and you were 7, that this might have happened, I never would have done what I did. But that’s not true, Lane. I’d have done it anyway.”

  “And I’d have wanted you to, Rafe. No matter what.”

  He pulled her over to him and onto his lap.

  “But it’s not like that for you, is it, Rafe?”

  “No, it’s not like for me,” he said softly. “I love you, Lane, I’ve never loved anyone else. You’re my safe haven. I think of you as always being there for me when I need you, a warm place where I’ll always be welcomed and loved. You’re my emotional home, Honey, but I’m too much of an adventurer to be satisfied staying home all the time.”

  He lifted her sweatshirt. She hadn’t bothered with a bra. He put a hand on each breast, lightly rubbing her nipples with his thumbs.

  “Will you, Lane?” he asked, “will you always welcome me home? Will you always be there for me when I need you?”

  She closed her eyes. “Ye
s, Rafe, I always will.”

  “How much do you love me, Laney?”

  “Whatever the highest number is in the world, Rafe. I love you lots more than that.”

  *

  The next morning, the instant she awoke, remembering he was there, a rush of joy swept through her. She had never taken a drug in her life but she wondered if this was the kind of euphoria users sought from their cocaine or heroin or whatever they were addicted to. She thought she could easily become an addict if she knew of a pill or a shot that would send her shooting up to this cloud of happiness.

  “Mornin’, Honey. I’ve been waiting for you to wake up.”

  She saw the lean brown body, the sleep-tousled black hair, the dark eyes softer than most people ever saw them, the gleaming smile - and then his lips were on hers and her cloud drifted even higher.

  “I’m glad, you know,” he whispered to her afterward. “I’m glad no one can satisfy you but me. You’ll always have to come to me for that.”

  “That’s pretty selfish, Rafe, especially when you’re always out catting around like some randy old tom.”

  “Yes,” he laughed, “it’s selfish, but I’ve always known you belonged to me, Laney. No matter what else happens, no matter how many boyfriends you have, even if you get married, you’ll still always belong to me.”

  * *

  She thought of it as “the Gathering of the Clan”. One by one, the vehicles of the various brothers and sisters came down the long locust-lined drive until the eight-car garage was filled to capacity and the rest had to park on the apron. Luggage and packages and children were unloaded out of the Escalades and BMWs and Lexuses and Land Rovers. One by one, the upstairs bedrooms were all occupied. Each night, more chairs were filled at the long dining room table until finally they were all there. Even though the hubbub was exciting, Lane always felt a little like a ghost at these events, like in one of those movies where the ghost is alive but can’t get anyone to realize it. It seemed to her they looked past her like that, like she didn’t really exist. Oh, they knew her name, of course, and they’d ask how she was doing in a perfunctory way because it was the polite thing to do. By contrast, they were all hugely glad to see one another, hugging and kissing and talking. She’d always been intimidated by them, like they were the main body of the family, and she and Rafe were a separate entity that didn’t quite belong.