Shattered

by Pamela Sparkman

  A loud clap startled the three of us. Joe was wearing a smirk. “Sorry, needed to get your attention.”

  Joe’s therapist, Sam, waved us over. “Joe has been working hard these past couple of months. In fact, I have to tell him to ease up when he’s here sometimes. Two weeks ago a remarkable thing happened during one of our sessions, and since that time more remarkable things have happened. Joe is one of the most determined individuals I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, so I’m not at all surprised to see how far he’s come in a short amount of time.” Sam paused for a moment and then rubbed his hands together. “Anyway, we’d like to show you his progress, so…” he pointed to three chairs he had placed in a row, “…have a seat and we’ll get started.”

  Someone else walked through the door, and they quickly moved to the back of the room, so I turned my attention back toward Joe. He was in a really good mood, which put me in a really good mood. The last few weeks had been exhausting for both of us. We managed to remember to smile most days, but there were long hours in between when neither one of us felt smiley. Today was a good day. I leaned back in my chair and crossed my legs, waiting in anxious excitement to see Joe’s progress. He hadn’t shared that part of himself with me. He never really talked much about therapy, so I figured he didn’t have much news to share, and I didn’t want to push him to open up if he wasn’t ready.

  Joe’s therapist bent down in front of Joe, purposely not touching him. Instead, he let Joe simply use him as leverage while Joe pulled himself up. I watched in wide-eyed astonishment. And then Joe stood – on his own.

  I clapped my hands over my mouth, uncrossed my legs, and leaned forward.

  “You’re – you can stand?”

  “I can. You know what else?” Joe said while looking at me as if I had personally hung the moon and stars.

  “What?”

  Joe looked to the back of the room and gave a nod. Music filled the space in the room and someone dimmed the lights. Joe held out his hand for me and I walked to meet him. Our fingers touched, and then he threaded his fingers through mine. He pulled me into his chest, and whispered in my ear. “I can dance too.”

  What day is it? And in what month?

  This clock never seemed so alive

  I sobbed, burying my face in Joe’s neck. “You can dance,” I repeated softly.

  “I can dance.”

  Joe held me in his arms while Lifehouse played in the background. We didn’t move our feet, we stood in place while our bodies swayed to the music. It was the best dance I had ever had. I would remember it always.

  When the song ended I remembered we weren’t alone. I glanced back at Joe’s parents, and was immediately wishing I had brought my camera. Jonah’s arm was draped casually over the back of Katherine’s chair. Katherine was leaning into Jonah’s side, and their faces were so bright and beautiful it would have made a Hallmark-worthy photo. I clicked a mental picture instead.

  Joe inviting his parents here for this turned my heart into goo. They needed to see this. They needed this moment as much as I did. I felt like they were my war brother and sister, veterans on the battlefield together as we somehow managed to dodge landmines in the dark. We shared a bond, a tragic event we lived through together. This moment was like our coming home party.

  Katherine stood, walked the five steps or so to her son, and embraced him.

  Click.

  Joe

  Just over three weeks had passed since I stood on my own in therapy and I was getting around pretty damn good walking with a cane. Though I hated it, I had to admit I needed it, and it was certainly better than the wheelchair, so I wasn’t complaining. Not out loud anyway.

  Coop and Hayden had called and asked if I wanted to join them at the gym for some hoops. I wasn’t sure it was a good idea at first, but I needed some guy time and I thought what the hell. I had Maggie drop me off at the gym for a couple of hours. My therapist had told me I should be strong enough to drive myself short distances without any worries, however, I hadn’t told Maggie that. I was being a total pussy, but the reality was I was afraid to drive. Just riding in the car gave me sweaty palms and a racing heartbeat.

  Panic attacks. That’s what my other therapist had called them. Dr. Collins, my psychologist. I’d been seeing Dr. Collins once a week since I got back home. Apparently depression and anxiety were common with people who have become paralyzed so I agreed to start seeing Dr. Collins when Maggie asked me to.

  It did allow me to vent my frustrations and concerns to someone who actually got paid to hear them. It beat taking it all out to Maggie. She had enough to deal with without adding all the shit going on inside my head too. That reminded me…I need to make an appointment with a Catholic priest and see what we needed to do to go about getting Maggie sainted. Seriously, the woman walks on water. She is everything I don’t deserve and why she chooses to stay with me I’ll never understand.

  “I’ll be back in a couple of hours to pick you up, okay?”

  I closed the door and leaned in through the window. “I’ll be here,” I said, giving Maggie a quick wink before turning towards the gym.

  I shouted out to Coop and Hayden the minute I saw them when I walked in.

  “What’s up pansies?”

  I walked over to the bleachers where my two best friends sat waiting. I had gone to a therapy session this morning and rested after so I could shoot some hoops without depending on the cane. I sat down on the bleachers next to Cooper and in front of Hayden who was on the next bleacher up.

  Hayden clapped me on the back. “Pansies? Who’s the one using a walking stick to get around these days?”

  “It’s not nice to make fun of the handicapped,” I stated with all the seriousness I could muster.

  “Well, I guess I’ve been guilty for a long time then,” Hayden said, “cause I’ve been making fun of you for as long as I can remember and let’s face it, you’ve always been handicapped.”

  Cooper laughed and rolled his eyes. “You guys are terrible, I don’t know why I hang out with the two of you.”

  “Lily gets sick of your face and kicks you out of the house, that’s why,” I quipped, and Hayden gave me a high-five.

  Cooper shook his head. “I see how it is. Let’s see if you guys can shoot the ball as well as you shoot your mouths.”

  We walked over to one side of the gym. Obviously we weren’t going to actually play a game of basketball. My condition wouldn’t allow for that, so we dribbled the ball and passed it back and forth some to warm up without doing much moving, and I felt pretty good. In fact, I felt great. This was maybe the most normal I had since the accident. Hanging out with these two morons at the gym was something I’d been doing since we were twelve years old. Of course, Cooper and Hayden had to occasionally ruin things by asking how I was feeling, or did I need to take a break. We weren’t even throwing at the damn hoop yet! I was fine! I didn’t say that, although I wanted to; however, I understood their concern.

  After we’d warmed up for about fifteen minutes shooting the shit and passing the ball back and forth, Coop went in for a layup. Hayden recovered the ball and dribbled out to the three-point line and made a perfect shot. Cooper caught the ball and passed it to me.

  “Okay, Joe, your turn. Let’s see if you’ve still got it.”

  I missed the first four shots, which really started messing with my head, but I kept trying without doing too much moving around on my legs and made the fifth one.

  Hayden and Cooper both cheered. “Yeah! Way to go!” Cooper said and “That’s our boy!” said Hayden.

  It made me feel good to make a goal and have them cheering for me. We continued that way for about thirty minutes and stopped for some water. Coop and Hayden were sweaty from running around the court; I was dry as a bone. You don’t sweat a lot when you stand in one place. After a five minute break we decided we’d shoot for another ten minutes and then cool off for a bit before Maggie was back to pick me up.

  I had the ball and was dribb
ling it back out to the court. Hayden ran ahead and stood to the right under the net while Cooper walked along beside me. I took off running toward the goal. Coming up under it, I jumped and tried for the layup. The ball swished through the hoop and I hit the floor, my legs crumpling underneath me. Hayden and Joe both ran over to me, concern evident on their faces.

  “Dude! What the hell were you thinking?” Hayden asked as he helped me into a sitting position.

  “I wasn’t.”

  “Are you okay?” Cooper asked anxiously. “Did you hurt yourself?”

  “No, no, I’m okay. At least I think I am. I felt great, no weakness at all, until I landed.”

  “Let us help you over to the bleachers, man,” Hayden said. They each squatted down next to me. With my arms around their shoulders, they lifted me up to my feet.

  “Thanks, guys, sorry,” I said in embarrassment.

  “Don’t apologize, man. It’s all right. Just take it easy, okay?” Cooper urged. “You aren’t back to one hundred percent yet, you know? Don’t push it, Joe. It’s not worth it.”

  I sat down on the bleachers and tried to compose myself. I was shaking so badly that walking was nearly impossible, even with their help. I was suddenly scared and felt like crying.

  What the hell is wrong with me? Will I ever get past this?

  When I reached for the cane, Cooper and Hayden both jumped to their feet to help me but I held up my hand to stop them.

  “It’s okay, guys, I’ve got this. Just gotta run to the restroom. I’m fine. I’ll be right back.”

  They sat back down and I shakily made my way to the men’s room. Once inside I felt the heaviness bearing down on my chest even more, a sensation that was both foreign to me and familiar, becoming more familiar with each passing day. I was experiencing it more and more. I breathed in deeply through my nose and exhaled through my mouth like I had been taught. I did this a couple more times because I needed to get this wave of emotion that came over me under control.

  Leaning against the sink for leverage, I splashed cold water on my face with shaky hands. My legs wouldn’t stop shaking either and I began to think that I was maybe having muscle spasms. I had some muscle relaxers at home and would likely need one for the first time in weeks. I patted my face dry with paper towels and grabbed the handle of the walking cane with one hand and the side of the sink with the other, until I felt steady enough to walk back out to the gym.

  I pushed all the emotion down as far as I could, plastered a stupid grin on my face and made my way back to the gym bleachers. We didn’t talk about the fall again, we bullshitted about sports and work and the weather, and I was thankful to Cooper and Hayden for that.

  When I got home I told Maggie I wanted to lie down for a bit. She wanted to search for jobs on the internet so I kissed her cheek and made my way down the hall. As soon as I got in the bedroom I closed the door and rummaged through the side table drawer for the Flexeril I’d been prescribed. I swallowed the muscle relaxer with a glass of water from the bathroom faucet and lay down on the bed. I felt like I was slipping away somehow; on the inside. My mind, my heart, my soul, they all felt like they were waging war against each other, an internal conflict that was invisible to everyone around me, and sometimes the feelings that surfaced would be so strong, like today, that it would literally knock the wind out of me. One can never really prepare for an accident such as the one I had experienced, nor can you prepare for the recovery. All you could do was take it one step at a time, one breath at a time, and pray to God that you were stronger than your demons.

  After a moment of quiet reflection I got up and made my way to the living room.

  “Maggie...” I paused, waiting for her to look up.

  “Yeah, baby? What’s wrong?”

  I locked eyes with her and sat down across from her.

  “Some days…some days are good, Maggie. Like the day I showed you and my parents that I could stand on my own. But some days…some days are bad. Today seems to be one of those days. It hits me without warning, and I never even see it coming.”

  Maggie came over and sat down next to me. She picked up my hands and placed them in her lap, covering them with her own. She stared back at me, all the while telling me with her eyes that she loved me, without ever saying the words aloud.

  “Tell me what happened,” she said soothingly.

  “I ran today.”

  “You did? Should you have done that?”

  I shrugged. “I actually felt okay while I was running. I had the ball and I was running to make my shot. I didn’t even think about what I was doing until I jumped, made my shot, and when I came back down, my legs gave out.”

  Maggie’s eyes grew wide and I saw panic behind them, so I quickly added, “I’m okay. I think it was the shock of it to my body. I took a muscle relaxer when we got home because I was having some muscle spasms. I wasn’t going to mention it to you. I didn’t want you finding out from Cooper or Hayden, though. I wanted to be the one to tell you. I think they were a little worried. But I’m fine, really. I just…I don’t want to keep things from you. I mean, I’m not going to tell you all the shit that’s inside my head, because that’s what my shrink is for.” I laughed, hoping to ease her mind. “But I promise to tell you the important stuff. The most important thing you need to know right now is that I love you.” I pulled my hands from her lap and cupped her face. “I love you with all my heart, and I’m working on it. Okay? I’m working really hard at overcoming all of it. For you…for me….for us. I realize I have a lot to be thankful for. I wanted you to know that. I already feel better talking with you about it.” I leaned in and kissed the tip of her nose. “I will do anything for you, Maggie. Anything. So, this is me, doing what I have to do. I will not allow my demons to crush me. You want to know why?”

  “Why?”

  “Because I have an angel by my side.” I kissed her forehead softly. “Those demons never even stood a chance anyway. I’m just now realizing that.”

  Maggie

  “He’s walking, Dad, and he’s doing much better.”

  “I’m so glad, Poppet. I’m happy for you. You of all people deserve to be happy.”

  “Thank you. I hope you can visit soon. I would come there but we’re still riding the waves of all that’s happened. Joe is anxious to get back to work full time as soon as he can and I’m going to start looking for work next week so…”

  “I understand. No need to explain. Maybe Caleb and I can plan a trip to come see you soon.”

  “Really? That would be wonderful.”

  “Let me talk to my sister,” I heard Caleb say in the background.

  “Caleb’s there with you?”

  “Yep, hold on.”

  “Hey sis,” Caleb said.

  “Hey bro. How are you? I miss you.”

  “Miss you too. So Joe’s doing better?”

  “Yep,” I beamed. “He’s not speed walking yet, but he is in fact walking again and feeling much better. His physical therapist said he should be back to one hundred percent sooner rather than later, so we’re excited about that.”

  “I bet. That is good news. Give Joe my best, would you? I wish I had met him under better circumstances.”

  “Thank you, Caleb. I’ll tell him.” The doorbell rang. “Hey, someone’s at the door, so I’ll have to call you back.”

  “Okay. Catch ya later. Love you.”

  “Love you too. Bye.”

  When I opened the door I saw two little munchkins staring back at me. “I know someone who is going to be happy to see your two little faces! Come in…shhh, you want to surprise your Uncle Joe?”

  “YES!” they both answered loudly.

  “Shhh. We need to be quiet if we’re going to surprise him, right?”

  This time they nodded their little heads frantically. “We’ll be quiet,” Lexie whispered.

  “Okay,” I whispered back. I moved toward Kate and then embraced her. “It’s good to see you. How are you doing?”

  �
��I’m doing good. Even better now since Mom and Dad told me the good news. I would have brought the girls over sooner, but Joe asked me not to.”

  “He did? I didn’t know that.”

  “Yeah, when you guys first got back home, I called him and told him the girls really missed him and wanted to see him. He didn’t want the girls to see him like that. I tried to tell him that it would be okay.” Kate shrugged. “This time, I didn’t call first. We just got in the car and came over here.”

  “Good idea.” I squatted in front of Lexie and Mandy. “Okay, you ready to sneak up on Uncle Joe?”

  “Yes,” they said.

  “Okay, let’s tiptoe. He’s in his room. Come on.”

  The girls had to cover their mouths to keep from giggling too loudly. We were sneaking down the hallway like undercover spies, and when we reached the bedroom, the door swung open and Joe let out a raucous ROOOOAAAARRRRRRR!

  The girls screamed and ran back down the hallway. Joe was bent over at the waist laughing so hard, and so were Kate and I.

  Wiping her eyes from tears of laughter, Kate said, “I should beat you for scaring my girls like that.”

  “Well they were planning on scaring me first,” Joe answered. “They started it.”

  “That’s your defense? They started it?”

  “Of course. Is there a better one?”

  “How did you know they were going to scare you?” I asked.

  Joe put his free hand on his hip while gripping his walking cane with the other. “Come on. Those two couldn’t sneak up on a rock. I heard them when they got here. Plus, they rang the doorbell. That was my first clue.”

  Kate shook her head and then walked into Joe’s open arms. “I love you so much. Don’t ever scare me like that again.”

  “I’ll do my best.” Joe said, and then looked over Kate’s shoulder and saw his nieces. “Marco!” he yelled.

  The girls chanted from the living room, “Polo!”

  “Marco!”

  “Polo!”