Love Beyond Reach: Book 8 of Morna’s Legacy Series

by Bethany Claire

  If only I’d known how much could change in an evening.

  Chapter 33

  Jerry

  * * *

  Grier stood in the doorway of my cottage as I approached. While her smile was warm, her eyes were entirely unreadable.

  “Did ye know this was my home for many years? ’Tis fitting it should be yer home now.”

  She gave no greeting and led our conversation with no apology.

  “Ye are alive, then?”

  “O’course I’m alive. Ye must have known such a fire couldna kill me unless I wished it.”

  The grief I’d felt at arriving back to see our home destroyed came rushing back to me, flooding my veins with an anger I’d not known I felt toward her.

  “I knew no such thing. Do ye not care about the pain ye put me through in the months following what I believed to be yer death? I missed ye, Grier, and the guilt I felt for leaving ye was unbearable.”

  While my words were true, I realized the moment I said them what a mistake I’d made. Her eyes glistened with hope. My confession made her believe I cared in a way I did not.

  “I only meant to help ye. I know Morna has told ye why ye are here. I know that ye know I lied to ye.”

  Her candor surprised me. I’d expected her to dance around the truth, to spin a tale that would leave me questioning what I knew to be true.

  “Aye, I know what ye’ve done, and I know why.”

  She stepped inside the cottage as if it were still her home and not mine. I followed her inside. Once the door was closed, she faced me.

  “Ye doona know why, lad. How could ye?”

  “Ye love me.”

  Silence didn’t bother Grier. She could sit in the company of others surrounded by silence and never feel uncomfortable. I settled into the silence and forced myself to relax inside it as I waited for her to decide how she wished to respond.

  “I hope ye know I never intended for things to happen as they did. Ye were not meant for me, and I know it, but ye own my heart anyway.”

  I couldn’t imagine her pain. If I could’ve eased it, I would have. Had Morna not returned my feelings, it would’ve killed me. I was doing the same thing to Grier now.

  “It honors me to know that ye find me worthy of such affection. Ye are the bonniest friend I’ve ever known, but aye, I was meant for another, and she holds my heart completely.”

  The hope in Grier’s expression vanished and replaced itself with a cool, collected gaze that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

  “I know, Jerry. Ye needn’t tell me where yer heart lies. Ye still canna see, can ye?”

  She didn’t wait for me to answer before continuing.

  “As I told ye, I never intended for things to happen as they have, but they happened all the same. When our home was set aflame, I saw it as my path to redemption, as an opportunity to correct the wrong I did to ye. I intended to stay away, but I could not.

  “I lived a life alone and ’twas misery. I canna do it again. I willna do it again. Morna will hate what I’ve done to her, but she willna be doomed to the same life I’ve lived. Now that her father is gone, her brother will protect her. He will see that her magic is tended to. He will make certain that her days are never lonely. She will have every chance of having a happy life, and in time she will forget ye.”

  Panic surged inside me, and I turned to run for the door, all the while knowing it would do no good. I couldn’t outrun a spell. I could feel it swirling around me with every step.

  “Ye may not love me in the way I wish ye to, but to ye ’twill feel as if ye do. For me, that is better than a life spent alone.”

  I fought against the pressure in my mind, but I was powerless against her magic. The sound of her words slurred together as my mind went eerily blank.

  * * *

  Morna

  * * *

  I heard sounds coming from Jerry’s cottage—primitive, animal-like sounds—but my mind rallied against them. I didn’t feel the alarm I should’ve felt, and I suspected nothing as I knocked on his door.

  When no one answered, I pushed it open. As I looked inside, my entire world fell apart.

  I should’ve looked away, but I could not. My brain couldn’t believe the sight in front of me.

  I’d expected to find Jerry alone.

  Grier was still there.

  They were wrapped in each other’s arms.

  With her back pressed against the wall of his cottage, Jerry stood naked before her, driving into her with an abandon that broke my heart. He was entirely unaware of my presence, but Grier saw me the moment I opened the door.

  She locked eyes with me, smiled, and threw her head back and laughed.

  Chapter 34

  Perspective is everything. Seeing Jerry wrapped in Grier’s arms should’ve broken me, but the sudden death of my father had already split me in two. Yes, I was heartbroken. Yes, I was angry. Yes, I felt betrayed, nauseated, and confused. None of it mattered.

  The moment Grier laughed, I turned and walked calmly away.

  Sometimes life steals the things you love. I wouldn’t fight something I couldn’t change. I was no match for Grier. Of course Jerry loved her. Every man I’d ever known had. Why would the man who’d spent more time with her than anyone else be any different? He’d been simply biding his time with me until she returned.

  I was a fool, and I deserved this betrayal. He’d treated me exactly as I’d treated Henry.

  I couldn’t move past the pain here. So many horrible things over the course of my still young life held me in chains at Conall Castle. I loved my brother, Elspeth, and Eoin deeply, but the pain was too much. I couldn’t stay. Not now.

  I shed no tears as I walked back inside the castle. My world was chaos all around me, but inside I felt nothing. I hoped I could hold onto that nothingness forever.

  I met Elspeth on the staircase on the way to my bedchamber.

  “What’s happened, lass? Ye are paler than I’ve ever seen ye.”

  I smiled to relieve her worry but quickly stepped into the shadows so she couldn’t see my face.

  “’Tis nothing. Do ye know where Henry is? I need to speak with him.”

  “Aye, he’s in the dining room with Alasdair.”

  That was even better. I could tell them both at once.

  * * *

  As was his habit, Alasdair dragged me out of the dining hall to discuss in private what I’d just announced.

  I’d never seen him so angry. He was trembling as he held my wrist. I was certain everyone could hear him screaming.

  “Have ye lost yer mind, lass? Why would ye tell him ye intend to leave with him tomorrow when we both know ye mean to end yer engagement come morning?”

  My insides were like ice. All my life, there was no one who could impact the way I felt more than Alasdair. I cared about his opinion more than anyone. But tonight, his words couldn’t break through the wall I’d erected inside.

  “My mind is fine. I’ve decided to keep the engagement. I meant what I told both of ye. I will leave with Henry come morning so we may visit his home and begin preparations for our wedding.”

  Shaking his head, Alasdair gripped the sides of his head with both hands as he paced wildly in front of me.

  “I doona understand a word ye are saying, Morna. I know ye are devastated about Da. I know what it feels like to wish ye could leave here and never step back inside these walls again. The ghost of our memories of him will stay within these walls forever, but we canna run away from this, lass. With time, ’twill get easier.”

  Calmly, I reached out to touch his arm to stop him.

  “This has nothing to do with Father.”

  “What then? Has Jerry done something to ye? If he’s hurt ye lass, I’ll kill him.”

  Even Jerry’s name caused me no pain. I was someone who felt everything so intensely. Now I felt nothing. I was beginning to wonder if I’d unintentionally spelled myself.

  “Jerry would never hurt me. ’Tis
only that he loves another. I dinna see it before, but I see it now. ’Tis time for me to move on from here and live my own life. I shall do so with Henry.”

  Alasdair shook his head in astonishment. He didn’t believe a word I said. I didn’t care.

  “Love another? Jerry loves none save ye. Everyone sees the way he looks at ye. What has gotten into ye, lass? Ye have me worried.”

  “Grier is back, Alasdair, and Jerry loves her. I saw the two of them together.”

  Alasdair jerked back as if I’d slapped him.

  “Grier? Why dinna ye tell me that first? We both know she is up to no good. We’ve known that ever since Jerry arrived here. Ye canna trust her.”

  “Aye, I know, and now I canna trust Jerry either. I wish to leave here. Will ye allow me to do so? Ye told me once that if ye were laird ye would let me be the woman I wished. Ye are laird now. Will ye keep yer word?”

  It was a cruel way for me to persuade him to allow me to make my own decisions. Just like Father, Alasdair’s word meant everything to him.

  “O’course, I’ll permit ye, but I doona care for it for so many reasons. Jerry aside, lass, ’tis not proper for ye to travel with a man ye are not yet wed to without an escort, and I willna leave Elspeth while she is with child. MacNeal Castle is verra far from here. If trouble came to ye, there is no guarantee I could reach ye in time.”

  I no longer had any concern for my own wellbeing. It was as frozen as every other emotion inside me. “No harm will befall me, and Mary and Kip can stay until we are wed. Would that suit ye?”

  It was a ridiculous suggestion by societal expectations, but Alasdair had never much cared about what anyone else thought. As long as someone he trusted was there to watch over me, that was all he cared about.

  Reluctantly, he nodded.

  “Aye, I suppose ’twill do. Ye do know ye doona have to marry him, lass. If ye doona love him, I wish ye would not. Ye can still send him away and live here until another ye could love crosses yer path. Ye are always welcome here. And ye needn’t worry about the pain Jerry may cause ye. I shall banish the two of them from this territory come morning, and ye shall never see them again.”

  I knew I didn’t have to marry, that Alasdair would take care of me until his dying day if I wished it, but Alasdair had his own family to tend to, and it was time for me to go out on my own.

  “Aye, banish them, but it will change nothing. I’ve agreed to marry Henry, and I willna go back on my word.”

  Alasdair’s arms wrapped around and lifted me into the air as he hugged me. His words were choked and broken as he spoke. Although I couldn’t see his eyes, I knew he was crying.

  “This is a mistake, lass. The moment ye realize it, please know ye can come home. There is nothing ye can ever do that will make that impossible. Whatever happens, know that I will protect ye here.”

  He clung to me desperately as I hung limply in his arms. I didn’t fight his embrace, but I didn’t hug him back, either.

  “Do ye wish me to kill him, lass? ’Twould be a horrible sin, but I will do it if ye wish it.”

  What frightened me more than anything else I’d witnessed all day was how long it took me to answer him.

  “No, but thank ye.”

  The realization that I’d even considered it told me just how much of me was truly gone—locked beneath a fortress I had no desire to unearth.

  Chapter 35

  Come morning, as we packed and loaded everything onto a dozen different horses, Jerry was absent from the stables. Without a word to end things, he’d left me for Grier.

  Mary approached me tenderly, placing a hand on my back as she spoke in soft tones. She was furious at everyone—at Jerry for what he’d done, at Alasdair for letting me leave, at Kip for agreeing that they would come with me—but she was treating me with unnecessary kindness.

  “Ye left the dress ye wore yesterday out of yer belongings, but I added it to yer chests, so ye needn’t worry. ’Twill all get better, lass. With time, everything will be better.”

  “I know, Mary. I’m fine. Truly. Go and scream at Alasdair and Kip if ye wish it. Once we leave, ye willna be able to.”

  She looked at me with the same concerned gaze Alasdair had given me the day before, but I turned away and ignored it until she left.

  There were only two people who occupied my mind—two people who even with my frozen emotions, I would be desperately sad to leave—Eoin and Elspeth.

  Eoin threatened to break through my resolve most of all. The poor lad was already so saddened and confused from his grandfather’s death that I worried what my sudden absence might do to him. I wanted him to be certain he would see me again.

  I found him on the floor of his bedchamber stacking small stones he’d gathered from the woods into piles.

  “Eoin, lad, do ye mind if I join ye?”

  He smiled and waved me to the floor with his chubby little hand. As I sat next to him, he pushed a few rocks in my direction.

  “Da found them.”

  “Oh, yer da found the rocks, did he? Did ye help him?”

  He nodded, but said nothing else. He was unusually quiet.

  “Eoin, did yer da tell ye that I must leave here for awhile?”

  He kept his head down, fumbling with the rocks on the floor. His voice was soft and sad when he spoke.

  “Will ye leave like Grand Da?”

  A lump swelled in my throat, and I hurried to lift Eoin from the floor and into my lap before every emotion I was holding inside broke loose in front of him.

  “No, lad. I’ll never leave like Grand Da. I’ll only be away for a time, and then ye will see me. I shall visit ye here. Mayhap ye can come and visit me at my new castle.”

  Simply knowing he would see me again seemed to relax him, and he lay his little head against my chest as I held him. With every person in the castle dealing with grief over my father’s death and Elspeth dealing with the exhaustion of her pregnancy, little Eoin had been left to fend for himself more than he was accustomed.

  When he began to snore, I carefully stood and carried him to his bed. Kissing his brow, I whispered a spell of protection in his ear and bid him farewell.

  * * *

  Elspeth was even more upset by my decision than Alasdair. Never one to mince words, Elspeth rained a stream of curse words down on me that I wouldn’t have thought her capable of.

  “Ye are a selfish wee bitch, Morna. I doona wish to see ye. I doona wish to say goodbye to ye. Ye can burn in hell for all I care.”

  Undeterred by her rage, I moved across the room and climbed onto the bed next to her where she sat resting.

  “Ye needn’t be angry with me. Ye should be pleased that I’m leaving. Ye know Alasdair worries too much for me. Ye and Eoin should be his priority.”

  She screamed at me between sobs. Her eyes were bloodshot, and she dabbed at her nose with a cloth.

  “Do ye think Alasdair is the only one in this damned castle who cares for ye? What will Eoin do? His heart has already been broken once this week. And what of the new babe? Do ye have no desire to know it, to love it as ye have loved Eoin? And what of me, Morna? I know I am not yer closest friend, but ye know ye are mine. I doona care what Jerry has done to ye. ’Tis selfish of ye to do this, and ’tis pure lunacy for ye to marry a man like Henry MacNeal.”

  So what if Henry could be unkind? I could be unkind, too. So what if he hid something? I was hiding something from him, as well. Everyone seemed so much more concerned about my fiancé than I was.

  “Elspeth, I canna stay here. Ye wouldna stay here if ye were me. I know ye wouldna. Ye would want yer own life, with yer own family. Is it so wrong for me to desire to have just what ye do?”

  She collapsed into a hysterical fit of tears. As I moved in to comfort her, she turned her swollen eyes up toward me.

  “O’course ’tisn’t wrong. ’Tis only that I will miss ye so much I doona know if I can bear it. I wish ye would be here for the birth, Morna. I’ve not said a word to Alasdair, but I’m
frightened. So verra frightened.”

  I pulled back to look at her more fully. Her confession alarmed me.

  “What do ye mean? Do ye feel as if something is wrong with the babe?”

  She continued to cry as she spoke, and I pulled her in close to stroke her hair.

  “No, the babe feels strong, but I feel weak. I doona have the same strength I had when carrying Eoin.”

  I tried to rationalize her worry.

  “Ye are older now. ’Tis no wonder that ye doona feel as strong. All will be well, I’m sure of it.”

  Elspeth pulled away from me and turned to grasp my hand. She squeezed my fingers so tightly I couldn’t help but devote every ounce of my attention to listening to her.

  “Ye must hear me, Morna. I doona believe I will survive the child’s birth. Where will Alasdair and Eoin be if we both leave them?”

  “What?” Horror washed over me making me dizzy at Elspeth’s suggestion. It was absurd for her to even allow herself to think it. I pulled my hand away and grabbed her shoulders, shaking them gently as I yelled at her. “Doona say anything like that again, Elspeth.”

  “My denying it will help nothing. Yer father knew, ye know? He knew that death was coming for him.”

  Glimpses of him tucking me into bed flickered through my mind. I knew Elspeth was right—he’d suspected he would be gone soon, and he wanted to make his peace with me before he was.

  “What does Father have to do with any of this?”

  “I know how he felt because I feel it now, and ye are the only one I mean to tell. Ye must promise me not to tell Alasdair.”

  Just like with the news of her pregnancy, there was no reason for her to feel the need to ask me not to say anything to him. I would do anything to keep my brother from pain. There was no way Elspeth could possibly know for certain she would die in childbirth, and I wouldn’t worry my brother over something that would very likely turn out to be irrelevant.