Niki Slobodian 04 - The Devil Was an Angel

by J. L. Murray

  I stared at him. “You don't think I found this place by accident,” I said.

  “Have you ever known anyone who has?” said Gage.

  “No,” I said.

  “What were you even doing over here? It's nowhere near your place.”

  I shrugged. “I was taking a walk. Sofi was sick.” The mention of Sofi's name made my insides turn hollow again. I hadn't felt that since Lucifer had first touched me, the deep, exhausting sadness. I missed her so much. I pushed the thought away, but the feeling remained. “I just needed some air, all right?” I said testily.

  “If you say so,” he said. “But it must have been, what? An hour's walk?”

  “Something like that. What are you getting at, Gage?” I frowned. “Are you saying you think I didn't come here of my own will? You think Sam was controlling me?”

  “Seems possible, don't it?” he said, raising an eyebrow.

  “No way,” I said. “No.”

  “How much of that first meeting with Sam do you remember?” he said. I pursed my lips together. The truth was, I barely remembered anything about our actual deal the first time we'd met. I'd always chalked it up to drinking too much whiskey, but I was no lightweight.

  “Sam was a good man,” I said.

  “Yeah,” said Gage. “He was. He did a lot of good things. But he had to find ways to get what he wanted. He looked like a damn nightmare when he left this place. You gotta forgive a guy for finding ways to get things done.”

  “But?”

  “I'm just saying, you're putting the guy on a pedestal. You barely knew him. How much time did you actually spend with the guy the whole time you knew him?”

  “I don't know,” I said. I was being genuine.

  “Couldn't have been more than a day,” said Gage. “Did he ever spend time with you when it wasn't convenient for him?”

  “Now you sound like Lucifer,” I said.

  “His own brother, you mean?” said Gage. “Come on, Niki. Stop beating yourself up. The guy brought you back to life when he shouldn't have. He might have done good there. Maybe he even loved you in his own way. But that don't mean that you have to stop living your life. Even if you are one of them now. It's been an entire summer, sis. Nearly as long as you knew the guy. It's time to move on. It wasn't your fault. None of it was your fault.”

  “I can't let him go,” I said. “I told you, he's in my head.”

  “Where he ain't got no right to be,” said Gage. “You gotta let him go, sis.”

  “I know,” I said. “How do you know all this?”

  “I'm a natural wiseass,” he said, smiling. “But seriously. Every time I've made an innocent comment to you, ever since the war, you get all defensive about Sam. It's time to put him to rest, sis. There must be a reason God didn't bring him back.”

  He looked down, where I'd set a glass of clear liquid in front of him.

  “What the hell is this?” he said. “Water? Why are you giving me water?”

  “Because you're going to drive to my apartment and crash there,” I said. “It's closer than your house.” I wrinkled my nose. “And cleaner.”

  “Oh, you saw that, huh?” he said. “Been a little busy lately.”

  “The housekeeper definitely hasn't been showing up,” I said.

  “Everyone's a comedian,” he said. “What are you going to be doing?”

  “I'm going to sleep here,” I said, pointing to the Murphy bed with my thumb.

  “Why?”

  “It's where Sam's the strongest,” I said. “We're going to have a good, long chat tonight.”

  “Sounds like a good idea,” he said. “What's the plan after that?”

  “Tomorrow morning, you come back here,” I said. “We're going to Erebos.”

  “Hell City?” he said. “What for?”

  “We're going to talk to the Outsiders,” I said. “And ask them why the hell Kane saved their kids only to go back and kill them.”

  SEVENTEEN

  I opened my eyes into darkness. Shapes shifted around me. “Sam?” I said. I could feel him, watching me. “I know you're here.” He flickered into view in front of me. “I want to talk.”

  “No need,” he said.

  “There is damn well a need,” I said. “I've got questions.” He raised an eyebrow. “How much have you heard?” I said.

  “I'm afraid I stopped paying attention around the time my brother was kissing you,” he said.

  “What do you want me to say?” I said. “I was so lonely it hurt.”

  “I told you I was here for you,” he said.

  “You being here just makes it hurt more,” I said, my voice nearly a whisper. “And I'm tired of hurting, Sam. I want to feel something that isn't pain for once. I was finally getting over you when you started popping up again.”

  “Oh,” he said weakly. “I didn't realize.”

  “I know,” I said. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen that way. With Lucifer, I mean.”

  “You mean you didn't mean for me to see,” he said.

  “Sam, tell me how I came to be at the Deep Blue Sea,” I said, choosing to ignore the remark. “That first time we met.”

  He looked at me in confusion for a moment before realization crept into his eyes. “I don't know what you mean,” he said.

  “I want the truth,” I said quietly. “I feel like you only give me half-truths and tell me what I want to hear. Please. Tell me what really happened.”

  “Haven't you already decided what to believe?” he said.

  “Be honest with me. I need to know what this was.”

  His shoulders sagged and he looked away. “It doesn't lessen the way I felt for you,” he said. “I was so desperate to know you.”

  “Why?” I said.

  “You were so beautiful, Niki.”

  “The truth, Sam. You owe me at least that much.”

  He breathed in deeply and exhaled. “Because you were the only one who could set me free,” he said. He finally looked at me. “You were already Death, Niki. You just didn't know it yet. And I had a way to switch places with you. I didn't expect to love you.”

  “Switch places?” I said. “How?” I felt cold all over.

  “The necromancer,” he said. “He swore he knew a way.”

  “Jesus,” I said. “I can't believe this.”

  “I had to know you,” he said, a note of pleading in his voice.

  “Did you control my mind the first time we met?” I said, my voice full of ice. “Did you force me to take that first job?”

  “I had to convince you, Niki,” he said. “I couldn't take any chances. I'm sorry. I don't regret it, though.”

  “It was all a lie,” I said weakly. “You manipulated me.”

  “No,” he said firmly. “I loved you in the end. I died for you.”

  “You keep saying that,” I said. “And now you've gotten your wish. I'm Death now. Are you happy?”

  “No,” he said. “Not in the slightest.”

  “All I wanted was a chance to be happy,” I said.

  He laughed a bitter cough of a laugh. “You were never going to be happy, Niki. Make no mistake, I did manipulate you. But I saved you. Can't you see? I saved you from the monotony of your life. You would still be scrambling for enough money to feed yourself if I didn't come along.”

  “There wouldn't have been a war,” I said.

  “Perhaps,” he said. “But perhaps not. And had it not been for you, Michael may have won. You never had a chance, Niki. It's not my fault you were born this way. With the essence of the Creator and a Watcher for a father. You'll never be happy.”

  I thought of Lucifer then. Despite his occasional madness, he made me feel more sane than I had ever felt. Sure of myself. And when he had showed me how to feel the world moving, I had felt something I had never felt before: peace.

  “I think maybe I can,” I said.

  “Niki,” Sam said. He shook his head. “I'm sorry, but as long as you are Death, you will never be ha
ppy. You must believe me. It can never happen while you are mired in murder and blood and decay.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him.

  “Think what you will of me,” he said. “Believe it's anger or jealousy or envy. But you can't be happy.”

  “Why are you saying this?” I said.

  He looked at me for a long moment. “I can help you,” he said. “I can take it all away. You'll be free.”

  “That's crazy,” I said. “How?”

  “The necromancer.”

  “Jesus,” I said. “Always with that guy. What the hell does any of this have to do with the Necromancer?”

  “Niki,” said Sam. “Bring me back. I can make it all go away.”

  “Tell me about Cassandra,” I said.

  He froze, startled. “He told you about Cassandra?” he said. He pushed his hair back from his face and laughed. “Of course he did.”

  “What happened?” I said.

  “All those years ago, and he still blames me,” he said.

  “Why does he blame you, Sam?” I said, afraid of what the answer might be.

  “Because I killed her,” he said.

  I felt my eyes widen. “What?”

  “That's the way he sees it, anyway.” He turned and began pacing. “If you want to know, I'll tell you. I've already lost you, haven't I?” He didn't look up to meet my eyes, just kept pacing.

  “You never had me,” I said.

  “That's a lie,” he said. “You were mine. Until my brother came along.” He did look at me then. “I don't blame you, Niki. Let me be clear. I know more than anyone that it's harder to be alone when you deal with the dead. You feel isolated, cold. I do not blame you for wanting something alive.”

  “I'm sorry,” I said. “I really am.”

  “Your apology is not needed,” he said. “I'm no longer alive. You're moving on.” He continued pacing. “Cassandra was very sick in the end. She died a slow and painful death. I can't remember if it was the plague or influenza or some other disease. But she died. Lucifer went mad. Even madder than usual. He brought her back. He was the first one to do it that way. He gave her a small piece of his soul. He told me about it and we quarreled. I told him it was unnatural. That it was against the Creator's wishes. I was far more rigid back then.”

  “Ironic,” I said.

  “I know how it sounds,” he said. “I didn't know. I never knew what it was to love someone so much that you would sacrifice a piece of yourself to let them live. I only knew what I was taught. You live, you die, you await judgment.”

  “What did you do, Sam?” I said.

  “I told Grazial,” he said weakly. He had paused in his pacing and stood with his back to me. “I told one of the lords what Lucifer had done. I believe you met his brother, Lord Forcas. And he told the other lords. And they killed her.”

  “You knew they would kill her when you told him?” I said. I couldn't keep the shock out of my voice.

  He hesitated. Finally he answered, his voice small. “Yes.”

  “How could you do that?” I said. “He was your brother.”

  “You've met my family,” he said.

  “I thought you were different.”

  “I didn't used to be,” he said. “I've changed.”

  “That doesn't make it better.”

  “No,” he said. “It doesn't.”

  “So then Lucifer found the Necromancer,” I said. “And brought Cassandra back a second time. But she was feral. Her soul was missing.”

  Sam turned and stared at me, unblinking.

  “Oh,” I said. “You didn't know.”

  “What happened?” he said, his voice barely audible.

  “She tried to kill him,” I said. “He had to tie her up. And then she escaped and ate a demon woman alive.”

  “Tell me,” he breathed.

  “He had to kill her himself.”

  Sam sat down hard on the ground, or the floor, or whatever it was we were standing on. I took a step toward him and crouched down next to him. “That's why he wouldn't help you,” I said. “During the war.”

  “Yes,” he said. “It would seem so.”

  “Why didn't you tell me? Why all the lies?”

  He glanced at me, but looked away. As though he couldn't even stand the sight of me. “I didn't want you to hate me,” he said.

  “You didn't think tricking me into becoming Death might have put a damper on my feelings towards you?” I said.

  “I dropped that plan when the war came around. I could never do that to you.”

  “Sam,” I said. “I am so grateful to you for bringing me back. I will always think of you as a hero for sacrificing yourself to save the world.”

  “You don't have to say it,” he whispered. “You have to let me go.”

  I bit my lip, tears clouding my eyes. “I'm so sorry. I shouldn't be allowed to ask you. I have no right.”

  “You have every right,” he said. “You won't bring me back, will you?”

  “It's dangerous, Sam,” I said. “I don't know if I could live with myself if you came back the way Cassandra did. And you would. It doesn't work, Sam. Even with the piece of you inside of me, even if it wouldn't kill me to give it to you, it's not enough. I don't know how I know, but I do. This necromancer, he can't do what he says. It's snake oil. It has only worked once since the beginning of time.” I shook my head. “Sam, you would come back wrong. It wouldn't be you.”

  “You have my soul,” he said. “ It wouldn't take much. And you have the Deep Blue Sea. That is part of me as well. I wouldn't come back without a soul, Niki. I swear to you. It's impossible. I don't ask anything of you. I don't ask you to love me. You are free to live your life. But do this for me and you will never have to be Death again.”

  I frowned. “Sam...”

  “I brought you back from the dead,” he said. “You owe me this, Niki.”

  “I have to go,” I said. “I can't think.”

  “It wasn't a lie for me, Niki,” he said, his voice desperate. “Not in the end.”

  “You should have told me the truth.”

  “I know,” he said. “Do you hate me?”

  I thought about it. “No,” I said, surprised. “I think I forgive you.”

  “Then it's true,” he said. “People can change.”

  “Sometimes, there is no choice,” I said. “You bend or you break.” I remembered Sofi. With her last words to me, she had begged me not to break. “I choose to bend.”

  “I'll leave you alone,” he said. “I'll go away. But promise me you'll think about it. Bring me back. I can make it all go away.”

  I looked at him, realization hitting me like a slap to the cheek. I frowned. “I think,” I said slowly, “that I don't want it to go away.”

  “Don't be ridiculous,” he said. “No one chooses to be Death.”

  “You did.”

  “To escape Michael,” he said. “Why would you choose darkness? Decay? It's insanity.”

  “You never saw it, did you?” I said. “All those centuries, all that time and all you ever saw was death.”

  “What else is there?”

  I thought about it. Lucifer's hands on me, the heat of him radiating like fire in the cold. The earth moving under my feet. The joy of the villagers filling me up from so many miles away. The snow on my face as I finally realized the beauty. I remembered the boy in the asylum, the kid who wouldn't die too young on the floor of a public restroom. Lucifer's hands in mine. His eyes.

  I blinked and came back to myself. I looked at Sam, who was waiting for an answer. “You really want to know?” I said.

  “Yes,” he said.

  “Everything.”

  EIGHTEEN

  I woke up in pitch black. It was still nighttime. I felt an incredible pain in my chest. I gasped. The intensity of the pull made it hard to breathe. I let it take me, if only to rid myself of the pain. Letting go, I felt myself drifting quickly through the void, spinning slightly. My feet touched the earth and I looked
around. The sun was rising over a tall wooden wall. I was standing in an open space covered in rain-sodden grass. Tiny houses lined the fence in a square about the size of four city blocks. At the top corner of the fence was the roof of a lookout, and a form was draped there. I squinted and it dawned on me that it was a dead body.

  It was completely silent, but for the rumble of thunder in the distance. I saw lightning flash far-off, beyond the hills that rose on the horizon. No birds, no wind, no noises of any kind. Nothing moved in the houses, no curtains twitched, no life of any kind. It was some kind of compound. I followed the pull that was getting more excruciating by the second. I felt as though my chest would open up and my insides would spill out onto the grass. I clenched my teeth and forced myself to breathe.

  A house at the far corner of the lot was far bigger than the others. If this was a commune of some sort, it was probably the main house. I was halfway towards it when I smelled the blood. So much blood that it made me dizzy. As I got closer, the smell invaded my mouth and I tasted warm, salty copper. The front door of the house stood slightly ajar. I stopped when I came to it. I could feel them inside. Spirits. So many spirits. I steeled myself for what was to come. Because I was sure it wasn't going to be pretty. I knew this was Kane's doing and I paused, not wanting to see.

  But I had to. I put one foot in front of the other until, eventually, reluctantly, I was through the door. I tried not to breathe. The house was warm, the air moist and close. There were bodies everywhere. There was no pattern to them, it looked as though the killer had just left them where they fell. They were scattered like dead flies all over the cozy living room I walked into, blood pooling on wood floors, soaking a plush couch and chairs. I could see into the kitchen, and it was not any better. There wasn't even a path to walk, there were so many. And they were all unrecognizable, their heads crushed like the people hadn't mattered at all. I picked my way through, trying not to step on anyone, making my way to the spirits. There were so many spirits.

  I touched a man staring at the scene in horror on his back. He disappeared in a burst of whirlwinds. Another man, his hair silver and cropped close to his head, looked at me with hollow eyes. He was crying silvery tears that ran down his face. I touched his hand, and in seconds he was gone, too. A woman noticed me and turned. She shook her head.