THE HITWOMAN UNDER PRESSURE (Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman Book 15)

by JB Lynn

  I looked to Zeke. “Do something. Fast,” I hissed.

  “The guy’s like a bull in a china shop,” Zeke argued. “I’m not sure there’s a way to stop him.”

  “Try?” I begged.

  Sighing, Zeke jumped up and ran after Doc.

  Armani patted his vacated seat. “Take a load off, chica.”

  I sat down and closed my eyes.

  “You look tired.”

  “I’m exhausted.”

  “Do you know what you need?”

  “I swear I’ll break your good arm if you try dousing me with perfume to get my Glow on.”

  She chuckled. “So hostile, chica. No, I was going to say you need a good road trip.”

  “An excellent idea,” Piss opined from her spot beneath the table.

  I shook my head. “We’ve been over this. I’ve got too many responsibilities. I can’t leave Katie.”

  A puff of exasperation whistled through her clenched teeth. “I had a dream about it. That means you should do it.”

  “Do what?” Aunt Leslie asked, leaning over me.

  Doc and Zeke each caught one of her arms, which was the only reason she didn’t face-plant into my lap.

  But they couldn’t save me from her alcohol-laden breath.

  “Maggie needs to go on a road trip, but she can’t because of her responsibilities like Katie.”

  “Pfffft,” Leslie replied. “If Darlene’s alive, she should have her. That’s what Teresa really wanted.”

  I heard Marlene suck in a pained gasp.

  I jumped to my feet. “You’re confused,” I told my drunken aunt sternly.

  “Not confused,” she declared despite slurring her words. “She didn’t want you or Mar-Marlene to have her. She said Darlene would be the best.”

  “Hush, Leslie,” Susan admonished. “You’re embarrassing yourself.”

  Something in my sober aunt’s tone made me realize that there was at least a grain of truth in what Leslie was saying.

  I looked at Susan sharply.

  She looked away, her hands fluttering nervously at her sides.

  Considering she’d fainted the one time I’d asked her about my mysterious brother, I half-expected her to keel over.

  “Okay, everyone set up for the picture,” Susan ordered with false cheer.

  Suddenly I was in no mood to take a stupid picture. Susan was hiding something from me, more than one something when you considered she’d fainted dead away the one time I’d asked her about the brother my father had revealed I had.

  “Road trip,” Armani murmured under her breath.

  “We’ll do it by generations,” Doc declared. “Loretta, Leslie, and Susan in the back, Maggie and Marlene in the middle, and Katie in the front.”

  “Like a triangle,” Katie said excitedly, hurrying to take her place in front of Marlene.

  Susan’s gaze skittered over to meet mine. I saw panic glistening in her eyes as she silently begged me to play along and not ruin the party.

  Sighing, I took my place too, placing a hand on my niece’s shoulder to make sure she didn’t go running off.

  DeeDee jumped in between Katie and I, a big, toothy grin making her appear goofier than usual as she smiled for the camera.

  “No animals,” Aunt Loretta decreed.

  “Sorry, DeeDee,” I whispered. “Go lie down.”

  She flattened her ears and whined, “God picture in why the?”

  “She wants to know why the lizard gets to be in the picture,” Piss supplied helpfully from her vantage point as Marlene sat down beside me.

  “Katie,” I said quietly, “go put Godzilla on the table.”

  “Okay.” She limped off to do as I asked.

  With her gone, I realized that Marlene was trembling.

  “What’s wrong?”

  She turned tear-filled eyes toward me. “Teresa didn’t think I’d make a good mom.”

  I didn’t point out that apparently she hadn’t thought much of my skills either. Instead I said, “Well, Darlene was the best at playing house when we were kids and you were the one who chopped off the hair of all of our dolls in one afternoon.” I jutted my chin in the direction of our niece who was retaking her spot. “Maybe she just didn’t want poor Katie to be destined to a life of really bad haircuts.”

  Marlene chuckled at that, then giggled, then guffawed.

  Her laughter was contagious and soon all of us were laughing.

  It felt good to laugh, to share a moment of levity with those I loved most. We never seemed to get enough of those.

  Doc even whipped out his phone and captured the moment before it blew away.

  Which it literally did. On a sudden gust of wind.

  Chapter 6

  One minute everyone was laughing and the next minute I heard screaming. Terrified screaming.

  “Help! Help!”

  Alarmed, I stood up, “God?”

  “Help!” the little guy wailed.

  “Where are you?” I yelled back, making all the humans fall silent.

  More than one pair of eyes looked at me like I belonged in the same place as my mother.

  “God back come!” DeeDee barked excitedly, jumping up and down. “Back come!”

  Following her gaze, I saw a bunch of balloons from one of the smaller tables had become airborne.

  “He’s in the basket,” Piss told me.

  “Shit.” I scared the people as I ran after the balloons trying to catch them.

  “Margaret!” Susan admonished. “Language.”

  “Help! Help!” God continued to scream even as the balloons gained altitude.

  I scrambled up the tree at the rear of the yard, trying to get closer to them, but I couldn’t reach high enough.

  “I’ll be electrocuted,” God wailed. “Lost at sea. Carried off to Oz.”

  “Then jump,” I bellowed, shimmying back down the tree.

  “Maggie?” Zeke asked worriedly running up to me. “What’s wrong?”

  “He’s in there. I can’t lose him.”

  “Lose who?” Angel asked, joining us.

  “God.”

  “The lizard?” Zeke asked incredulously.

  “Katie must have put him in that basket,” I explained.

  “How do you know that?” Angel asked.

  “I can hear him,” I yelled over my shoulder as I ran after the flying basket.

  I scrambled over the fence at the rear of the property so that I could chase after the balloons. I may be a klutz most of the time, but I’m an excellent climber. And shooter.

  “Maggie back come!” DeeDee yelped. “Back come.”

  I felt badly for leaving her behind, but it was imperative the balloons stayed in sight.

  It took Zeke and Angel a little longer to get over the fence. By the time they did, I was running down the sidewalk, trying to not let the balloons out of my sight.

  “Do you have a gun?” I asked the two men as they fell into step beside me.

  “What for?” Angel asked, his voice cracking with alarm.

  “I could shoot it down.”

  “You can’t shoot it down.”

  “Could too,” I responded childishly. “He’s heading for the power lines. I’ve got to do something before he fries.”

  “He’s not going to fry,” Zeke told me.

  “How do you know?”

  “There isn’t any metal to conduct the electricity.”

  “Thank heavens for small miracles,” I muttered.

  “Actually,” Angel corrected, “there is metal. We weighted the basket down with a roll of pennies.”

  “Copper?” I shrieked. “He’s standing on a bed of the material that’s specifically used to conduct electricity?”

  “I’m going to diiiiieeee,” God wailed as his voice grew fainter.

  A blur of black raced past us.

  “Save you will I,” DeeDee barked.

  “DeeDee come back!” Zeke shouted, startled.

  “No, let her go,” I panted. It
was a lot easier to follow her than it was to run at full speed while watching the sky.

  Zeke slowed to a stop, gasping for breath.

  I pushed on, lungs burning, legs leaden, desperate not to lose sight of them.

  Angel kept pace with me. Considering how much muscle he was lugging around, it seemed unfair that he didn’t seem to be struggling to breathe. “That way.” He pointed out that DeeDee had turned left at the next corner.

  As we rounded the corner a car pulled up behind us, forcing us onto the sidewalk.

  “What do you think you’re doing, Margaret?” Aunt Susan demanded to know as she stuck her head out the front passenger window.

  “Rescuing God,” I panted as Angel sprinted ahead to keep an eye on the dog.

  Glancing at the car, I noted the rest of the occupants. Marshal Griswald was driving, and Armani and Marlene were in the backseat. Tucked between them was Katie.

  “You’re driving her around without having her in a car seat?” I gasped.

  “We didn’t have car seats when I was a child,” Susan countered.

  “And look how your sisters turned out,” I snapped.

  Before Susan could respond, a wailing siren drowned out all other noise.

  A non-descript sedan with a flashing light slapped on top roared up beside us. “Which way?” Brian Griswald asked, as though he was just as comfortable chasing after floating lizards as hardened criminals.

  I pointed in the direction I’d last seen Angel disappearing.

  Brian gunned the motor.

  “Wait!” I screamed, smacking the rear panel of the car as it sped past.

  Brian slammed on the brakes, bringing the car to a shuddering stop.

  “Give me a ride,” I demanded, opening the rear door and jumping into the backseat.

  The car lurched forward even before I could slam the door shut.

  “Hang on,” Zeke yelled from the front passenger seat as we squealed around a corner.

  “There they are,” Brian shouted, pointing ahead.

  Sure enough, DeeDee and Angel were standing beneath a giant tree, staring up into it.

  Brian parked and jumped out. Zeke got out and opened my door for me. The three of us hurried to Angel’s side.

  Looking up into the branches I saw a bunch of balloons tangled in the uppermost branches. I couldn’t see the basket.

  I cupped my hands to my mouth. “God…zilla?” I yelled. “Are you there?”

  Before he could reply, a deafening thunderclap made everything vibrate.

  “Are you kidding me?” I shouted at the sky.

  Whining pitifully, DeeDee threw herself at me, almost knocking me over. “Scary, scary,” she panted anxiously.

  “Told you a storm was blowing in,” Angel muttered.

  “I didn’t know you meant literally.”

  The car with the rest of our would-be rescue team pulled up.

  “Did you find him?” Marlene asked.

  “We think he could be up there.” Angel pointed at the tree.

  Lightning crackled across the sky.

  “Get me down from here before I get struck by lightning,” God demanded.

  “Did you hear that?” Brian asked. “I could swear I heard squeaking.”

  “I don’t squeak!” God bellowed.

  “I hear it too,” Marlene confirmed. “There’s definitely squeaking.”

  “I don’t squeak,” God argued.

  “You’ll save him, won’t you?” Katie asked quietly.

  We all turned to look at her. She and Armani had climbed out of the car and she was clinging to Armani’s good hand.

  The mixture of hope and despair on her little face made my heart ache.

  Chapter 7

  “Of course we will,” I told her with a lot more confidence than I felt.

  “How?” Susan asked dubiously, taking Katie’s other hand.

  I looked to Armani. “I don’t suppose you have any psychic suggestions.”

  She shook her head. “Just a road trip.”

  “Maybe someone can shoot it down,” Angel muttered beneath his breath.

  “Don’t think that will help,” Brian said. “It’s the ribbons that are caught on the branches, not the balloons themselves.”

  “Thank you, Detective Obvious!” God raged.

  A giant raindrop hit the center of my forehead as I glared up into the tree.

  “We should go back to the house before it pours,” Marshal Griswald said quietly.

  I turned around and met his steady gaze. “Good idea.”

  “No!” Katie stamped her foot. “You have to save him.”

  “I will,” I promised, “but you need to go home right now.”

  More thunder rumbled to illustrate my point.

  DeeDee trembled against me.

  “We have to help get Aunt Loretta inside,” Marlene told our niece.

  “Oh dear,” Susan fretted. “We shouldn’t have left him to deal with Leslie and Loretta.”

  “I’m sure Templeton’s helping,” Griswald soothed, “but we should get back.”

  “Go,” I urged as more lightning split the stormy sky. “And take DeeDee with you before she shakes herself to pieces.”

  “I don’t know what she has to be afraid of,” God groused. “I’m the one who’s about to have volts of energy flowing through him.”

  The others, including the dog, quickly piled into Griswald’s car and headed back to the B&B, leaving me with Angel, Brian, and Zeke to figure out how to save the cantankerous little guy.

  The clouds opened, dousing us completely with pouring, unrelenting rain.

  “I’m drowning!” God yelped.

  “Climb down,” I yelled. After all, how hard could it be for a lizard to climb down a tree.

  “I can’t,” God wailed. “My feet are tangled in this cottony packing material. It’s like quicksand. I’m drowning in the stuff.”

  “I don’t think he likes the rain,” Brian remarked.

  “He’s not the only one,” Zeke grimaced. “So what’s the plan?”

  “I’m going to climb up there and get him down,” I announced.

  “It’s slippery,” Angel warned.

  “Maybe we should call the fire department,” Zeke suggested.

  I shook my head. “And tell them what? That there’s a lizard stuck up in a tree?”

  “Maybe you should ask the bird, sugar.”

  Whirling around, I found Piss, looking tired and bedraggled, standing behind me. She swayed unsteadily on her feet.

  I scooped her off the ground and cradled her in my arms. “How did you get here?”

  “Same way as you, I ran…or at least walked,” she meowed softly.

  “Is she okay?” Angel asked, moving closer so that he could rub the top of the cat’s head.

  “I think so.”

  “I’m a dog owner, so I get it,” Brian said, “but you and your pets are unnaturally devoted to each other.”

  “Maybe that’s because we’ve all rescued each other,” I murmured.

  “Speaking of a rescue, you’re supposed to be working on mine,” God reminded us.

  “The bird. Ask the bird,” Piss urged.

  Looking around, I spotted a lone crow perched on a low branch of the tree.

  “I don’t suppose you would consider helping us?” I asked.

  “I might, but it’ll cost ya,” the crow replied in a New York-accented voice that sounded like it belonged to a gangster in a black-and-white movie.

  Spinning around to stare into my face, Zeke pleaded, “Please tell me you’re not talking to the bird.”

  “Don’t negotiate with that ruffian!” God ordered.

  “What do you want?” I asked the bird.

  “I want to make sure you’re okay,” Zeke replied, not knowing I was talking to the crow.